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DID YOU READ

The horror, the horror list.

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"Il était une fois..."You want to know true fear? The blackest depths of terror and despair? Try having to move to your fifth apartment in less than two years. No cinematic experience can top it, we promise you.

But anyway, happy Halloween and all that. We had this wicked variation on a "Clockwork Orange" costume that somehow involved cool stockings planned, but we’re ankling that in favor of a hot night of once again unpacking all of our worldly goods.

Never. Again.

Anyway, some Halloween lists:

• RogerEbert.com editor Jim Emerson picks his 10 most shocking movie moments for MSN — quite a bit of crossover with Premiere magazine’s "25 Most Shocking Moments in Movie History," though we suppose quite a few of those picks are just obvious and inarguable. Nice call with Altman’s "The Long Goodbye," though — we’d forgotten about the Coke-bottle incident, but it was definitely incredibly jarring.

• Entertainment Weekly, gradually working their way up to being all lists, all the time, offers Marc Vera summing up all of the "of the Dead" movies for you, the magazine staff picking the "20 Scariest Movies of All Time" and Gillian Flynn running down the six frightening, forgotten horror flicks (half behind a subscription wall, but you can see the picks in the right-hand column).

• Paige Newman at MSNBC‘s got six edgy vampire films, and Not Coming to a Theater Near You‘s been working through a way robust in-depth daily look at 31 horror classics.

Elsewhere, we never thought of "The Night of the Hunter" as a horror film, per se, but it makes a damn great film for the season. It’s playing at Chicago’s Music Box Theatre, and Roger Ebert pulls up his "Great Movie" essay for the occasion.

Charles Purcell at the Sydney Morning Herald takes in the various critical and audience reactions to Greg McLean‘s "Wolf Creek," which just opened in Australia and the UK but which won’t get here until early next year. "Wolf Creek," another goresploitation type, generated enough buzz going into Sundance to get picked up by the Weinsteins, if we’re remembering correctly, before the festival even started. Based on a true story, the film has proudly prompted walkouts:

Unlike many Hollywood films, which use sound and special effects to sweeten it, there’s something shockingly real about the carnage in "Wolf Creek." Unlike films where the killers are Martians or robots, it realistically evokes the terror of being hunted by a fellow human, the shivering fear of the victims, the brutal practicality of the hunter.

The horror sourced from real events – such as being turned into "a head on a stick" – is just as sinister.

On the topic of extreme gore done on the cheap, the LA TimesPatrick Goldstein devotes this week’s "Big Picture" to how Lions Gate, coming out of a gangbusters weekend with "Saw II," is currently the coolest kid on the block (Lions Gate, oddly enough, is also distributing "Three…Extremes," which had a quieter opening on 19 screens). The New York TimesDave Kehr liked Park Chan-wook‘s "Cut" sequence from "Three…Extremes" enough to use it as a focus for the socio-political aspects of the "Asian extreme" cinema (we do wish someone would come up with a catchier name for the movement that doesn’t belong to Tartan Films, but we’ve got nothin’). Dave White at MSNBC laments the current state of horror, particularly the recent rash of dire remakes like "The Fog," and Noel Murray at the Onion AV Club interviews John Carpenter, who obviously isn’t feeling so fussy about who remakes his films, but who has some good things to say about the genre:

AVC: It’s odd that the basic visual grammar of horror still works. After a hundred years of cinema, people still get frightened when something jumps out of from the side of the frame, and audiences know to be tense when they see a tight shot of a human head with a little space over the shoulder where something might appear.

JC: I don’t know what it is, but you know, horror stories have always worked on film. It’s where they work. That’s where vampires and ghosts and UFOs are real. They’re not particularly real in life, but they’re real on the screen. It’s the communal aspect of movie-watching. Sitting in the dark. It goes back to sitting around a campfire when we had just come out of the trees.

+ Nothing’s Shocking? (MSN)
+ The 25 Most Shocking Moments in Movie History (Premiere)
+ Beating a ‘Dead’ Horse (Entertainment Weekly)
+ The 20 Scariest Movies of All Time (Entertainment Weekly)
+ Scary Movies (Entertainment Weekly)
+ Six vampire movies with bite (MSNBC)
+ 31 Days of Horror (Not Coming to a Theater Near You)
+ The Night of the Hunter (Not rated) (RogerEbert.com)
+ Up the creek (Sydney Morning Herald)
+ Lions Gate très shriek (LA Times)
+ De-finger the Piano Player (NY Times)
+ I spit on your horror movie remakes, sequels (MSNBC)
+ John Carpenter (Onion AV Club)

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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