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10 Unreleased Movies You’ll Probably Never See

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The Spoils Before Dying — the “film-itization” of Eric Jonrosh’s tale of sex, murder, and jazz — was banned before ever seeing the light of day. Thankfully, IFC has finally brought his words to life with an epic three-night event that concludes tonight at 9p with back-to-back episodes.

Sadly, not every lost project is so lucky. Whether it’s because of funding issues, creative conflicts, or just plain suck-itude, some movies are filmed, even finished, only to spend decades sitting on a shelf. Here are some of the most famous unreleased movies, starring everyone from Bill Murray to Marlon Brando.


1. Dark Blood

The last film River Phoenix starred in before his death, Dark Blood remained unfinished for 19 years, until director George Sluizer (The Vanishing) edited what he had into a finished product.

A surreal tale about a couple (Judy Davis and Jonathan Pryce) who encounter a troubled young man (Phoenix) while on a desert honeymoon, Dark Blood became a point of contention between Sluizer and the Phoenix family after the actor’s death. Sluizer’s solution for Phoenix’s scenes that remained unfilmed was simple: he just narrated what would’ve happened.

While the finished product was shown at a handful of festivals, and received warm reviews, it still hasn’t been released to a wider audience. Sadly, Sluizer passed away in 2012 and the Phoenix family isn’t on board with the film’s release, so it’s anyone’s guess when it will be shown again.


2. Hippie Hippie Shake

Working Title Films

Working Title Films

Cillian Murphy and Sienna Miller fronted this look at the swinging ’60s in London. Based on the true story of the “psychedelic hippy” magazine Oz getting charged with obscenity, the film received good reviews, but was shelved after Sienna Miler found herself in the eye of a bad press storm, due to an affair with the married actor Balthazar Getty. Oddly, while the actress weathered the storm, the film has yet to be released.


3. The Fantastic Four

With a new Fantastic Four movie about to hit theaters, it’s important to remember the dark days of the film franchise.

In the early 1990s, Marvel movies didn’t have the cache they enjoy now. Producer Bernd Eichinger owned the film rights to Reed Richards, Ben Grimm, et al., but couldn’t get a film off the ground with the major studios. Due to a clause in his contract, he had to produce a movie quickly in order to retain the rights to the property. Desperate, he reached out to schlock producer Roger Corman, who knocked a movie out in a few weeks. The cast showed off clips at the San Diego Comic Con and the film was set to premiere at the Mall of America in January of 1994.

With the rights retained, Eichinger outdid Doctor Doom himself, and buried the film. Turns out he never intended to release the film at all, and never informed the cast and crew of his diabolical plan. But bootleg copies of the film — which contains some delightfully wooden acting and seriously dated special effects — circulated at fan conventions and became a cult classic among fans of Marvel’s failed attempts at cinematic glory.


4. The Other Side of the Wind

Steven Jaffe/Courtesy of The Welles-Kodar Collection, University of Michigan, Special Collections Library

Orson Welles is sort of the granddaddy of unreleased masterpieces. The Deep, a thriller plagued by bad weather and the death of the lead actor, never saw the light of day. The Magnificent Ambersons, based on the Pulitzer Prize-winning book, was taken away from him in post-production, taking decades for his cut to be released.

But of all the unrealized projects from the great Orson Welles, none intrigues us as much as The Other Side of the Wind, a black-and-white mockumentary about Hollywood that took six years to shoot, and spent decades being fought over in court. Finishing the film is now in the hands of crowdfunding, with a million dollar goal to finish a cut.


5. Don’s Plum

While this film has seen a limited release in Europe, it will never see the light of day stateside. For that you can thank/blame Leonardo DiCaprio and Tobey Maguire, two of the biggest stars in Hollywood. When Jack Dawson and Spider-Man want to shut a movie down, they shut that sh*t down.

The story behind this movie’s failure is simple, if sad. The two actors starred in it as a favor to their filmmaker friend, R.D. Robb. (You might remember him as Schwartz from A Christmas Story.) This was back in the days when DiCaprio and the then up-and-coming Pleasantville star rolled together in the very Entourage-like crew tastefully known as “The P—y Posse,” which explains why the film feels like the equivalent of hanging out with a bunch of rich Hollywood douchebags. The cast also included Rilo Kiley’s Jenny Lewis, Amber Benson, Jeremy Sisto and (of course) future Entourage-er Kevin Connolly.

According to the stars, the movie was supposed to be a short, and make the festival rounds, but Robb turned it into a feature and started seeking distribution. DiCaprio, who was coming off of Titanic at the time, didn’t want it released. Why? Well, rumors circulated that DiCaprio got naked and engaged in bisexual sex in the film, but that turned out to be a lie. Sadly, the movie simply sucked, or at least DiCaprio and Maguire thought it did. They sued the filmmaker into oblivion, losing a friend in the process. Hopefully the pile of supermodels DiCaprio is buried under right now can help cheer him up.


6. Glitterati

While filming the adaptation of Bret Easton Ellis’ The Rules of Attraction, director Roger Avary spent weeks in Europe with star Kip Pardue, shooting over 70 hours of video for a short sequence in the movie. He eventually assembled the footage into its own film, called Glitterati, which he hoped would act as a bridge to a planned adaptation of Ellis’ 1998 novel Glamorama.

Due to some legal questions marks, and what Ellis himself describes as the dubious ethics of releasing a film that’s basically hours of Pardue in character, picking up women, without them even knowing they were in a movie, the film has never been released, and the planned sequel never realized.


7. The Brave

If you thought The Lone Ranger was the first time Johnny Depp awkwardly played a Native American on film, have we got a story for you.

Depp may be one of the biggest stars in the world now, but there was a time when he specialized in the type of unique, avant-garde projects that struggled to find an audience, or even get released. The Brave, based on a novel by Fletch novelist Gregory Mcdonald, told the story of a young Native American man who accepts an offer to die in a snuff film in order to make money for his struggling family. This was a passion project for Depp, who co-wrote and directed the project, and even roped in friend Marlon Brando for a cameo. Sadly, reviews from the 1997 Cannes Film Festival were mixed, and the film never saw the light of day in the U.S.


8. Humor Risk

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Screengrab from “The Marx Brothers in a Nutshell”

The first film to star The Marx Brothers, Humor Risk has sat on the shelf for almost as long as movies have been around. Shot around 1920 between performances on a vaudeville stage, the short film was shown exactly one time. Rumors have circulated that The Marx Brothers were so unhappy with the movie they either burned the print, or left it behind in a projector booth, never to retrieve it. With a solid 95 years since its last showing, we’re guessing this one is lost to the ages.


9. Nothing Lasts Forever

This odd outing, which never saw a theatrical release, came from the mind of Saturday Night Live’s resident filmmaker Tom Schiller. After years of churning out shorts during SNL’s early years (you might remember his classics Don’t Look Back in Anger and La Dolce Gilda), Schiller made a movie that truly defies description.

Taking place in an alternate universe New York City, where everything has the feel of a 1930s musical, the partially black-and-white film is an homage to classic cinema that proved too strange for MGM to release. But it occasionally screened at repertory theaters over the years and earned a cult following thanks to cameos from Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Calvert DeForest and other comedy favorites. Rumor has it that John Belushi was supposed to cameo, but died six weeks before filming. The film finally saw the light of day earlier this year, for a one-night only viewing on Turner Classic Movies.


10. The Day the Clown Cried

The big bopper of unreleased movies, this film has taken on legendary status thanks to its disturbing subject matter and wildly inappropriate star.

The story of a circus clown who leads Jewish children into the gas chamber during the Holocaust, director and star Jerry Lewis completed the entire film before realizing what a horrible mistake it was. Rumor has it he locked it in a private vault, and refuses to even reference it in interviews. The Simpsons star Harry Shearer is one of the few to have actually seen the movie, and says, “this was a perfect object. This movie is so drastically wrong, its pathos and its comedy are so wildly misplaced, that you could not, in your fantasy of what it might be like, improve on what it really is.”


The Spoils Before Dying concludes tonight at 9p with back-to-back episodes.

Also, catch The Spoils Before Dying Marathon (all six episodes!) immediately after the finale at 10p tonight and Sat, July 11 starting at 9:45a.

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Grow TFU

Adulting Like You Mean It

Commuters makes its debut on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Jared Warner, Nick Ciavarella, and Tim Dean were once a part of Murderfist, a group of comedy writers, actors, producers, parents, and reluctant adults. Together with InstaMiniSeries’s Nikki Borges, they’re making their IFC Comedy Crib debut with the refreshingly-honest and joyfully-hilarious Commuters. The webseries follows thirtysomethings Harris and Olivia as they brave the waters of true adulthood, and it’s right on point.

Jared, Nick, Nikki and Tim were kind enough to answer a few questions about Commuters for us. Here’s a snippet of that conversation…

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IFC: How would you describe Commuters to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Nick: Two 30-somethings leave the Brooklyn life behind, and move to the New Jersey suburbs in a forced attempt to “grow up.” But they soon find out they’ve got a long way to go to get to where they want to be.

IFC: How would you describe Commuters to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jared: It’s a show about how f*cking stupid people who think they are smart can be.

IFC: What’s your origin story? When did you all meet and how long have you been working together?

Jared: Nick, Tim, and I were all in the sketch group Murderfist since, what, like 2004? God. Anyway, Tim and Nick left the group to pursue other frivolous things, like children and careers, but we all enjoyed writing together and kept at it. We were always more interested in storytelling than sketch comedy lends itself to, which led to our webseries Jared Posts A Personal. That was a show about being in your 20s and embracing the chaos of being young in the city. Commuters is the counterpoint, i guess. Our director Adam worked at Borders (~THE PAST!!~) with Tim, came out to a Murderfist show once, and we’ve kept him imprisoned ever since.

IFC: What was the genesis of Commuters?

Tim: Jared had an idea for a series about the more realistic, less romantic aspects of being in a serious relationship.  I moved out of the city to the suburbs and Nick got engaged out in LA.   We sort of combined all of those facets and Commuters was the end result.

IFC: How would Harris describe Olivia?

Jared: Olivia is the smartest, coolest, hottest person in the world, and Harris can’t believe he gets to be with her, even though she does overreact to everything and has no chill. Like seriously, ease up. It doesn’t always have to be ‘a thing.’

IFC: How would Olivia describe Harris?

Nikki:  Harris is smart, confident with a dry sense of humor but he’s also kind of a major chicken shit…. Kind of like if Han Solo and Barney Rubble had a baby.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Nikki:  I think this is the most accurate portrayal of what a modern relationship looks like. Expectations for what your life is ‘supposed to look like’ are confusing and often a let down but when you’re married to your best friend, it’s going to be ok because you will always find a way to make each other laugh.

IFC: Is the exciting life of NYC twentysomethings a sweet dream from which we all must awake, or is it a nightmare that we don’t realize is happening until it’s over?

Tim: Now that i’ve spent time living in the suburbs, helping to raise a two year old, y’all city folk have no fucking clue how great you’ve got it.

Nikki: I think of it similar to how I think about college. There’s a time and age for it to be glorious but no one wants to hang out with that 7th year senior. Luckily, NYC is so multifaceted that you can still have an exciting life here but it doesn’t have to be just what the twentysomethings are doing (thank god).

Jared: New York City is a garbage fire.

See the whole season of Commuters right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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C'mon Fellas

A Man Mansplains To Men

Why Baroness von Sketch Show is a must-see.

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Mansplaining is when a man takes it upon himself to explain something to a woman that she already knows. It happens a lot, but it’s not going to happen here. Ladies, go ahead and skip to the end of this post to watch a free episode of IFC’s latest addition, Baroness von Sketch Show.

However, if you’re a man, you might actually benefit from a good mansplanation. So take a knee, lean in, and absorb the following wisdom.

No Dicks

Baroness von Sketch Show is made entirely by women, therefore this show isn’t focused on men. Can you believe it? I know what you’re thinking: how will we know when to laugh if the jokes aren’t viewed through the dusty lens of the patriarchy? Where are the thinly veiled penis jokes? Am I a bad person? In order: you will, nowhere, and yes.

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Huge Balls

Did you know that there’s more to life than poop jokes, sex jokes, body part jokes? I mean, those things are all really good things, natch, and totally edgy. But Baroness von Sketch Show does something even edgier. It holds up a brutal funhouse mirror to our everyday life. This is a bulls**t world we made, fellas.

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Oh Canada

After you watch the Canadian powerhouses of Baroness von Sketch Show and think to yourself “Dear god, this is so real” and “I’ve gotta talk about this,” do yourself a favor and think a-boot your options: Refrain from sharing your sage wisdom with any woman anywhere (believe us, she gets it). Instead, tell a fellow bro and get the mansplaining out of your system while also spreading the word about a great show.

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Dudes, that’s the deal.
Women, start reading again here:


Check out the preview episode of Baroness von Sketch Show and watch the series premiere August 2 on IFC.

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Happy Tears

Binge Don’t Cringe

Catch up on episodes of Documentary Now! and Portlandia.

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Photo Credit: GIFs via GIPHY

A brain can only take so much.

Every five minutes, all day, every day, ludicrously stressful headlines push our mental limits as we struggle to adapt to a reality that seems increasingly less real. What’s a mind to do when simple denial just isn’t good enough anymore?

Radical suggestion: repeal and replace. And by that we mean take all the bad news that keeps you up at night, press pause, and substitute it with some genuine (not nervous, for a change) laughter. Here are some of the issues on our mind.

Gender Inequality

Feminist bookstore owners by day, still feminist bookstore owners by night, Toni and Candace show the male gaze who’s boss. Learn about their origin story (SPOILER: there’s an epic dance battle) and see what happens when their own brand of empowerment gets out of hand.

Healthcare

From Candace’s heart attack to the rise of the rawvolution, this Portlandia episode proves that healthcare is vital.

Peaceful Protests

Too many online petitions, too little time? Get WOKE with Fred and Carrie when they learn how to protest.

What Could Have Been

Can’t say the name “Clinton” without bursting into tears? Documentary Now!’s masterfully political “The Bunker” sheds a cozy new light on the house that Bill and Hill built. Just pretend you don’t know how the story really ends.

Fake News

A healthy way to break the high-drama news cycle is to switch over to “Dronez”, which has all the thrills of ubiquitous adventure journalism without any of the customary depression.

The more you watch, the better you feel. So get started on past episodes of Documentary Now! and Portlandia right now at IFC.com and the IFC app.

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