That 70s Show Stoner Wisdom

School Daze

10 Stoners We Want to Hang Out With

Mellow out with That '70s Show Mondays and Tuesdays starting at 6P on IFC.

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We all knew (or were) that one kid back in high school or college who would rather pass a joint than pass class. Hollywood is just as fond of these cannabis-loving classmates, which is why we compiled a list of our favorite after school (or during school) stoners who redefine the meaning of the term “higher education.”

1. Travis, Clueless

Clueless

Travis Birkenstock (Breckin Meyer) might occasionally say dumb things at school and be the recipient of the most tardies in his class due to his cravings for Egg McMuffins, but that doesn’t stop him from immediately catching the eye of new transfer student Tai (Brittany Murphy). A lovable optimist, Travis also throws great house parties and has a real talent for competitive skateboarding, the latter of which causes him to quit his drug habits for good. We happen to think it’s pretty ingenious that he keeps his bongs in the kitchen so he’s closer to the fridge when the munchies hit.


2. Nick, Freaks and Geeks

Freaks and Geeks

The first thing you should know about sweet stoner Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel) is he loves his drum set more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, his skills don’t quite match his enthusiasm. The same can be said for his efforts at dating Lindsay (Linda Cardellini) and his academic career in general. The one thing Nick actually is quite adept at is basketball, but he lost his place on the school team, and subsequently his interest in the sport, because of his pot smoking. But he’s definitely the guy you want to hang out and listen to Rush with.


3. Spicoli, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Spicoli

Stoned since the third grade, Ridgemont High senior Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) is the classic California surfer dude and main source of frustration for history teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston). Spicoli is often tardy, never has any money due to not having a job, and pretty much only cares about the Rolling Stones and having “some tasty waves and a cool buzz.” However, Spicoli earned our undying love for ordering a pizza for himself in the middle of Mr. Hand’s class. Aloha Mr. Hand…and aloha pizza!


4. The gang, That ’70s Show

Circle time is always the best time on That ’70s Show. For teens Jackie (Mila Kunis), Kelso (Ashton Kutcher), Donna (Laura Prepon), Fez (Wilmer Valderrama), Hyde (Danny Masterson), and Eric (Topher Grace), the pot-smoking Circle in Eric’s basement is their favorite place to unwind, share secrets, make fun of one another, snack, hallucinate and everything in between. While Hyde was the most upfront about his pot use, the others just as enthusiastically puffed away, occasionally welcoming guests to their little Circle of trust and toking. And sometimes unwelcome guests, like Red.


5. Slater, Dazed and Confused

Dazed and Confused

On this last day of high school in 1976, THE stoner of stoners, junior Slater (Rory Cochrane), is lamenting spending one more year in school. So he does what he always does — smokes tons of pot with best friends Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey), Pickford (Shawn Andrews), and Pink (Jason London) and goes on rants about everything from Martha Washington to aliens to freshman girls. But there are worse ways to end the school year than getting high with your best friends and driving off into the sunrise to buy Aerosmith tickets.


6. Kumar, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Harold and Kumar

Kumar (Kal Penn) doesn’t really want to go to medical school, but his father is threatening to cut him off financially if he refuses, so unsurprisingly, he totally botches his school interview in favor of getting high with roommate Harold (John Cho). The pair embark on possibly the most epic, fraught trip to cure their munchies ever with Kumar even illegally performing a difficult surgery perfectly, which makes him realize he wants to go to medical school after all. He also plays love doctor by helping BFF Harold work up the courage to admit his feelings to neighbor Maria (Paula Garces). Someone get this loyal bro some White Castle, STAT!


7. Marty, Cabin in the Woods

Pop Tarts

College stoner Marty Mikalski (Fran Kranz) is not “The Fool” the staff at the mysterious Facility peg him to be for their strange experiment. Though we aren’t sure about his theories on doing bong hits and driving, he proves himself to be a lot smarter than anyone gives him credit for, escaping from zombies and rescuing pal Dana (Kristen Connolly) from the throes of an RV crash. Resourceful and funny (“Oh my god. I’m on a reality TV show. My parents are gonna think I’m such a burnout!”) even during the end of the world, Marty manages to light up one last joint to share with Dana as the nefarious Ancient Ones slowly emerge from the floor below them. Here’s hoping they have Pop Tarts in heaven.


8. Silas and Jamal, How High

How High

Talk about high test scores. Silas (Method Man) and Jamal (Redman) manage to ace their college entrance exams thanks to the help of a special, magical strain of marijuana fertilized by the ashes of their recently deceased friend. The pair enroll at Harvard where Silas discovers he has a talent for botany while Jamal joins the rowing team to impress girls. It’s safe to say mega-stoners Silas and Jamal often butt heads with the buttoned-up Ivy Leaguers like Dean Cain (No, not THAT Dean Cain), but they sure do have an awful lot of fun doing it.


9. Charlie, Charlie Bartlett

Charlie Bartlett

His drugs of choice may be of the prescription variety, but enterprising Charlie Bartlett (Anton Yelchin) knows a good high when he has one. After being shipped off to yet another new school, Charlie makes friends quickly when he realizes he has a talent for peddling prescription drugs and bathroom psychiatry to the other students with the help of resident school drug dealer Murphy (Tyler Hilton). A natural charmer, Charlie strikes up a relationship with the principal’s daughter (Kat Dennings), but his increasingly rebellious behavior and influence over the rest of the student body are naturally not as well-received by Principal Gardner (Robert Downey, Jr.) or his mother (Hope Davis). But did we mention Charlie also plays a mean version of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on the piano?


10. Bill and Ted, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Bill and Ted

Technically, we never see high school students Bill (Alex Winter) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) light one up, but what exactly do you think these two metalheads were doing inside that time-traveling phone booth? The lovable, dimwitted duo aren’t exactly psyched to do their final oral reports for their history class but they rise to the challenge as they meet “excellent” historical babes and figures, philosophizing with Socrates, er, So-crates by quoting “Dust in the Wind” and offering Genghis Khan a Twinkie. And we all know that if there’s one thing stoners like, it’s Twinkies.

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Very NSFW

The Brockmire Premiere Is All Truth

Watch The First Episode of Brockmire Right Now for Free

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At long last, the Brockmire pre-premiere has arrived. Which means you can watch it right now—on IFC.com, at Funny Or Die, on IFC’s Apple TV and mobile apps, on Youtube, on Facebook, on the AMC apps, and right here. So grab some headphones and get watching.

No seriously, get headphones.

Because whether he’s giving a play-by-play or ruminating on the world around him, Jim Brockmire calls it like he sees it. And how he sees it is very NSFW. His take on life is actually quite refreshing, even to the point of being profoundly sage. For proof just look at these pearls of unconventional wisdom from the premiere…

Brockmire On The Internet

“If I need porn I just buy a nudie mag, like my father and his father before him.”

Brockmire On Sex-Ed

“Kids, a strap-on is a belt with d— on it that mommies use to f— daddies.”
Brockmire-Strap-On

Brockmire On The Perfect High

“Somewhere between 10 cups of coffee and very low-grade cocaine.”
Brockmire-Perfect-High

Brockmire On The Tardiness of Spring

“Old man winter’s reaching his hand inside your coat to give that thing one more squeeze.”

Brockmire On Keeping Perspective

“I thought I hit rock bottom in a handicap restroom in Bangkok where a Thai lady-boy snorted crank off my johnson while a sunburnt German watched us on the toilet”
Brockmire-grain-salt

Brockmire On Humanity

“If you want to look directly into the gaping maw of oblivion, don’t look up to the heavens. Just look in the mirror.”
Jules-never-seen

See these nuggets and more in the first episode of Brockmire, and see the whole season beginning April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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