That 70s Show Stoner Wisdom

School Daze

10 Stoners We Want to Hang Out With

Mellow out with That '70s Show Mondays and Tuesdays starting at 6P on IFC.

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We all knew (or were) that one kid back in high school or college who would rather pass a joint than pass class. Hollywood is just as fond of these cannabis-loving classmates, which is why we compiled a list of our favorite after school (or during school) stoners who redefine the meaning of the term “higher education.”

1. Travis, Clueless

Clueless

Travis Birkenstock (Breckin Meyer) might occasionally say dumb things at school and be the recipient of the most tardies in his class due to his cravings for Egg McMuffins, but that doesn’t stop him from immediately catching the eye of new transfer student Tai (Brittany Murphy). A lovable optimist, Travis also throws great house parties and has a real talent for competitive skateboarding, the latter of which causes him to quit his drug habits for good. We happen to think it’s pretty ingenious that he keeps his bongs in the kitchen so he’s closer to the fridge when the munchies hit.


2. Nick, Freaks and Geeks

Freaks and Geeks

The first thing you should know about sweet stoner Nick Andopolis (Jason Segel) is he loves his drum set more than anything in the world. Unfortunately, his skills don’t quite match his enthusiasm. The same can be said for his efforts at dating Lindsay (Linda Cardellini) and his academic career in general. The one thing Nick actually is quite adept at is basketball, but he lost his place on the school team, and subsequently his interest in the sport, because of his pot smoking. But he’s definitely the guy you want to hang out and listen to Rush with.


3. Spicoli, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Spicoli

Stoned since the third grade, Ridgemont High senior Jeff Spicoli (Sean Penn) is the classic California surfer dude and main source of frustration for history teacher Mr. Hand (Ray Walston). Spicoli is often tardy, never has any money due to not having a job, and pretty much only cares about the Rolling Stones and having “some tasty waves and a cool buzz.” However, Spicoli earned our undying love for ordering a pizza for himself in the middle of Mr. Hand’s class. Aloha Mr. Hand…and aloha pizza!


4. The gang, That ’70s Show

Circle time is always the best time on That ’70s Show. For teens Jackie (Mila Kunis), Kelso (Ashton Kutcher), Donna (Laura Prepon), Fez (Wilmer Valderrama), Hyde (Danny Masterson), and Eric (Topher Grace), the pot-smoking Circle in Eric’s basement is their favorite place to unwind, share secrets, make fun of one another, snack, hallucinate and everything in between. While Hyde was the most upfront about his pot use, the others just as enthusiastically puffed away, occasionally welcoming guests to their little Circle of trust and toking. And sometimes unwelcome guests, like Red.


5. Slater, Dazed and Confused

Dazed and Confused

On this last day of high school in 1976, THE stoner of stoners, junior Slater (Rory Cochrane), is lamenting spending one more year in school. So he does what he always does — smokes tons of pot with best friends Wooderson (Matthew McConaughey), Pickford (Shawn Andrews), and Pink (Jason London) and goes on rants about everything from Martha Washington to aliens to freshman girls. But there are worse ways to end the school year than getting high with your best friends and driving off into the sunrise to buy Aerosmith tickets.


6. Kumar, Harold and Kumar Go to White Castle

Harold and Kumar

Kumar (Kal Penn) doesn’t really want to go to medical school, but his father is threatening to cut him off financially if he refuses, so unsurprisingly, he totally botches his school interview in favor of getting high with roommate Harold (John Cho). The pair embark on possibly the most epic, fraught trip to cure their munchies ever with Kumar even illegally performing a difficult surgery perfectly, which makes him realize he wants to go to medical school after all. He also plays love doctor by helping BFF Harold work up the courage to admit his feelings to neighbor Maria (Paula Garces). Someone get this loyal bro some White Castle, STAT!


7. Marty, Cabin in the Woods

Pop Tarts

College stoner Marty Mikalski (Fran Kranz) is not “The Fool” the staff at the mysterious Facility peg him to be for their strange experiment. Though we aren’t sure about his theories on doing bong hits and driving, he proves himself to be a lot smarter than anyone gives him credit for, escaping from zombies and rescuing pal Dana (Kristen Connolly) from the throes of an RV crash. Resourceful and funny (“Oh my god. I’m on a reality TV show. My parents are gonna think I’m such a burnout!”) even during the end of the world, Marty manages to light up one last joint to share with Dana as the nefarious Ancient Ones slowly emerge from the floor below them. Here’s hoping they have Pop Tarts in heaven.


8. Silas and Jamal, How High

How High

Talk about high test scores. Silas (Method Man) and Jamal (Redman) manage to ace their college entrance exams thanks to the help of a special, magical strain of marijuana fertilized by the ashes of their recently deceased friend. The pair enroll at Harvard where Silas discovers he has a talent for botany while Jamal joins the rowing team to impress girls. It’s safe to say mega-stoners Silas and Jamal often butt heads with the buttoned-up Ivy Leaguers like Dean Cain (No, not THAT Dean Cain), but they sure do have an awful lot of fun doing it.


9. Charlie, Charlie Bartlett

Charlie Bartlett

His drugs of choice may be of the prescription variety, but enterprising Charlie Bartlett (Anton Yelchin) knows a good high when he has one. After being shipped off to yet another new school, Charlie makes friends quickly when he realizes he has a talent for peddling prescription drugs and bathroom psychiatry to the other students with the help of resident school drug dealer Murphy (Tyler Hilton). A natural charmer, Charlie strikes up a relationship with the principal’s daughter (Kat Dennings), but his increasingly rebellious behavior and influence over the rest of the student body are naturally not as well-received by Principal Gardner (Robert Downey, Jr.) or his mother (Hope Davis). But did we mention Charlie also plays a mean version of “Yankee Doodle Dandy” on the piano?


10. Bill and Ted, Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure

Bill and Ted

Technically, we never see high school students Bill (Alex Winter) and Ted (Keanu Reeves) light one up, but what exactly do you think these two metalheads were doing inside that time-traveling phone booth? The lovable, dimwitted duo aren’t exactly psyched to do their final oral reports for their history class but they rise to the challenge as they meet “excellent” historical babes and figures, philosophizing with Socrates, er, So-crates by quoting “Dust in the Wind” and offering Genghis Khan a Twinkie. And we all know that if there’s one thing stoners like, it’s Twinkies.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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