High Fidelity John Cusack Jack Black

Shopping List

10 Fictional Stores We Want To Shop In

Visit Portlandia's Femimart Thursday at 10P on IFC.

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Warner Bros.

Have you ever wished you could hang out in a magical toy store? Or maybe score some records from the surliest music store clerks of all time? We spend so much of our lives with characters from our favorite shows and movies, it’s only natural to want to take that relationship to the next level. To get you ready for Portlandia‘s new Femimart, check out a few fake stores we wish we could visit in real life. No coupon clipping necessary.

10. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium

Mr Magorium's Wonder Emporium

Sometimes movies don’t need to be perfect to create a perfect place. Mr. Magorium’s Wonder Emporium sits at 37% on Rotten Tomatoes, and yet we’ve never been able to shake the shop that Mr. Magorium runs in the movie. Anything can happen there. Want any toy in the world? Just write it in the ledger and it will appear. Turn a doorknob and rooms will magically transform. The store — one part Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and one part Pee-Wee’s Playhouse — is a living thing, willing to fulfill your wildest fantasies, or throw a massive tempter tantrum. Plus, the checkout girl looks remarkably like Natalie Portman.


9. Championship Vinyl

Working Title Films
Working Title Films

Championship Vinyl is in a Chicago neighborhood that attracts the bare minimum of window shoppers. It caters to young men looking for The Smiths singles and rare Frank Zappa albums. If you want crap like “I Just Called To Say I Love You,” you can cart your butt back out to the mall. Shop owner Rob Gordon (John Cusack) compares the records he sells, which he calls fetish properties, to porn. The employees here are true blue, dyed-in-the-wool music snobs just like in the good ol’ days when people actually left the house to buy music. This is a store where opinions are as good as facts and mix tapes are a reason to get out of bed in the morning. (Well, in the afternoon.)


8. The Magic Box

20th Century Fox Television
20th Century Fox Television

Life in Sunnydale isn’t the easiest. Demons and vampires are constantly trying to kill you, and all the cute boys are either attached or have decomposing, unattached limbs. But there is one place of refuge, and that’s The Magic Box. Whether you’re a layman looking for a love potion, or an experienced Wiccan looking for that hard-to-find spell, The Magic Box is a one-stop shop for all your occult needs. And if you have some free time between sales, feel free to crack wise with Xander, train with Giles or make out with Spike. Just be careful with the musical spells.


7. Mr. Hooper’s Store

What kid didn’t want to hang out with Big Bird and the gang at Mr. Hooper’s Store, Sesame Street’s premiere supplier of cookies and whatever it was that Mr. Snuffleupagus eats. Whatever you need, kindly old Mr. Hooper could supply it. Oh no. We just remembered the episode where Big Bird finds out Mr. Hooper died. Can’t talk…curling into fetal position and crying for mommy…


6. Bill’s Candy Shop

Paramount Pictures
Paramount Pictures

If you’re a kid, a kid at heart, or just have a horrible diet, there’s no place you’d rather while away the hours than inside Bill’s Candy Shop. Whether you’re in the mood for a piece of Fickelgruber’s hard candy, some Slugworth’s Sizzlers, or a Wonka Scrumdiddlyumptious Chocolate Bar, there’s only one place to satiate your sweet tooth. No matter your craving, Bill has it, and he knows to save it just for you. See, Bill isn’t some new school candy slinger, who just sells his wares to anyone with a dime and a dream. Bill knows his customers by name, and has just the right bit of sugary goodness ready for them when they walk in the door. He isn’t afraid to just start tossing candy in the air, as he sings little ditties about “The Candy Man.” Come on behind the counter, kids. Help yourself. Come to think of it, Bill really needs to start charging or he’s going to go out of business.


5. The Leftorium

20th Century Fox
20th Century Fox

For the left-handed among us, there’s one store that’s always held a certain allure. The Leftorium is a business as simple as it is brilliant. Why not have a shop for left-handed folks? Give the rest of the world a taste of what it’s like to have everything backwards. Thanks to Ned Flanders, this is just the store for all your leftie shopping needs, whether its a left-handed ruler, poster or Statue of Liberty figurine. Just try and remember not to mention the Southpaw Superstore that opened up nearby.


4. Empire Records

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

While the snobbishness may be dialed down at Empire Records, at least compared to Championship Vinyl, the staff is no less a family. They stick together through thick and thin, especially when their store is on the verge of being sold to a conglomerate and turned into a bland franchise outpost. But that’s not what bumps this shop so high up on the list. And no, it’s not the morality plays the staff puts on to make sure none of them get hooked on drugs, as fun as those seem. What makes this shop stand out is simple. It’s filled with gorgeous, young people who seem very down to have sex and/or break into song and dance. Sure beats browsing iTunes in our underwear.


3.”Be Kind Rewind” VHS Rental

Focus Features
Focus Features
There was a time when an outing to the video store was a full evening. You’d peruse the aisles, digging through the new releases until finally settling on renting City Slickers II: The Legend of Curly’s Gold for the 15th time. Sadly, those days have passed. But what if there was a shop where you could still riffle through your favorite titles? And what if all the movies were homemade remakes starring Jack Black and Mos Def that possessed the raw, unadulterated love of cinema that made you fall in love with the medium in the first place? Well, there is such a place in Be Kind Rewind, and all you have to do is remember the title before bringing the video back. Sounds like a fair deal to us.


2. The Chinatown Antique Shop From Gremlins

Warner Bros.
Warner Bros.

When you’ve searched high and low for a birthday gift for your son only to come up empty handed, it’s time to start thinking outside the box. That’s how Randall “Rand” Peltzer found himself digging through the ancient trinkets and cobwebs of a nameless Chinese antique store, and finding a Mogwai that he would pay any price for. Just imagine what other treats must lay behind the tattered curtains and hazy candlelight of this mysterious shop. As long as you bring cash (and the owner isn’t looking), you may walk out with something truly one of a kind. Just remember not to feed it after midnight.


1. TRAX Record Store

If we had a time machine, we’d forgo the whole killing Hitler thing and just go back to in time and hang out with Iona, Duckie and Andie at the record store in Pretty in Pink. Oh also our time machine can go to fictional eras.

Visit Portlandia’s Femimart!

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SAG Life

Rappers Act Up

Watch the Yo! IFC Acts Movie Marathon Memorial Day Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection and the '90s)

Memorial Day weekend: how to celebrate? Nothing quite says “screw spring—let’s do summer” like blockbuster movies starring rappers who ditched lucrative music careers in order to become actors. It happened a lot, remember? Especially in and around the ’90s. Will Smith, Eminem, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Marky Mark Wahlberg, Ludacris…icons with the hubris to try the silver screen instead and have it totally work out.

But what if more rappers had made the leap? That’s a rhetorical question—movies (and life) would’ve been better, obviously. To prove it, here are some movies that totally would’ve been more memorable with rappers.

The Godfather

Starring Biggie, not Brando.
Godfather-BIG

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Only Coolio could improve upon Gene Wilder’s performance.
Coolio-Wonka

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Billy Elliot, with a dose of Missy Elliott.
Missy-Billy-Elliott

Robin Hood: Price of Thieves

Low hanging fruit, Hollywood.
Robin-Hood-and-Lil-Jon

And of course…

Kanye-of-The-Lambs

See NONE of those movies and a whole bunch of real ones this Memorial Day weekend on IFC’s rapper-filled movie marathon.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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GIFs by Giphy

“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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