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10 Ways the World Has Basically Become Portlandia

Catch the new season of Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Is it us, or have the oddballs, weirdoes and assorted dreamers and schemers of Portlandia started to seem a lot more mainstream lately? When the IFC series, masterminded by Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein, first premiered in 2011, no one could have guessed how omnipresent its world of mustache wax and artisanal knots would become. We laughed at these fringe weirdoes and their weird ways, and then one day we found that our mustache was in need of wax. Nothing would ever be the same.

As we approach the premiere of Portlandia‘s sixth season this Thursday, January 21st at 10P, we are starting to realize that the whole world has basically become a giant Portlandia sketch, and we’re just living in it. The food is good. The bike lanes are bountiful. And everything has a bird on it. (Or at least a bird emoji.) Here are just a few ways that Earth has become Planet Portlandia.


10. Singles Yoga

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

While aerobics classes may have been the singles bars of the ’80s, and 7-11 parking lots the singles bars of the ’90s, nowadays, if you’re really looking for a place to meet someone and you’re completely over Tinder, you head to your local yoga studio. In-between Pranayama breathing and downward dogging, you might notice that there are a lot of cute, single people writhing around in see through clothing. It’s like a nightclub, but instead of bottle service, there’s pregnancy meditation and cucumber water. Portlandia was one of the first to notice that inner peace might not be the only reason yoga studios find themselves so packed these days. There’s even Singles Speed Yoga, for those of us that are ready to skip the chakra alignment and just cut to the chase already.


9. Bike Lane Anarchy

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

As Portlandia so memorably pointed out, there have been militant bike riders for as long as there have been bikes. But as cities fight to go more green, and bike lanes become part of the everyday norm, these “cyclopaths” have started to multiply. With their weird clip-on shoes and smug attitudes, they love to tell us how they’re saving the world one bike ride at a time. Less pollution. Less traffic. And the thing that really annoys us is, they’re right. Now there’s even a real life Spike, doing his duty to take a stand against jerkwad cars getting in his bike lane.

Casey Neistat, a New Yorker and popular YouTuber who was ticketed for riding outside the bike lane, actually went to war with the city over cyclist rights. As you’ll see in the video below, Neistat’s assertion that “I’m doing the world a favor” could basically have come from the mind of Fred and Carrie.


8. No Spoilers!

Portlandia No Spoilers

IFC Originals

There is perhaps no greater threat to our modern way of life than the spoiler. There you are, minding you’re own business, when BOOM, someone blurts out that Haley Joel Osment sees dead Bruce Willises. (Oh, um, SPOILER ALERT?) You take a step back. Try to regroup. Pretend likes it’s not a big deal. The movie’s supposed to be good. It doesn’t really matter if you know the ending. But deep down, you can feel it. You’re life will never be the same.

Portlandia poked fun at our modern spoiler-averse culture with a perfect season three sketch that runs through spoilers for everything from Game of Thrones to Boy Meets World. But while most of us just go through life in a constant panic, ready to run at the first mention of Making A Murderer, someone out there has been doing the hard work of fixing this problem. That’s how Spoiler Shield came to be. With this iOS and Android app designed to block TV, movie and sport spoilers, you never have to worry about learning anything you don’t want to. Well, unless you leave your house. But why would you do that? You have so many shows to catch up on!


7. Putting Birds On Things

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

Putting birds on things helped put Portlandia on the map. But it also created a monster. No longer could birds be content to sit in their nests, or on power lines. Now they found themselves everywhere.

On toast.

imgur

imgur

On a shop.

Shop

Imgur

On a car.

imgur

imgur

On human skin.

Reddit

Reddit/Imgur

On LaMarcus Aldridge, former player for the Portlandia Trail Blazers.

Instagram

Instagram

Or on, er, um…

Bored Panda

Bored Panda

You get the point.


6. Artisanal Everything!

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

Portlandia loves all things artisanal, from light bulbs to movie theater popcorn, but even they would be hard-pressed to come up with what one Brooklyn bodega had to do when faced with an exorbitant rent increase. If you ask your typical hipster about gentrification, they’ll have a long, reasoned, possibly passionate take on the subject that highlights all of its evils, while conveniently leaving out that they live in an overpriced condo their parents outbid a local family of eight for. It’s a complicated issue. Just ask one bodega in the Boerum Hill neighborhood of Brooklyn, who, facing a stiff rent increase, decided that pickling the heck out of something might be its last line of defense.

In an effort to raise cash fast, the store began labeling everything they sold as artisanal, and doubling the asking price. $15 for a “slow roasted” Five Hour Energy drink. $21.99 for a “pasture-raised flash-frozen teriyaki bowl.” Or just $24.97 for a one-of-a-kind Dickson’s Farms Condom.

 

The irony of having to use irony to afford living in a neighborhood overtaken by people who can only communicate through irony is, well, ironic. But, happily, the plan seems to have worked, as Jesse & Co. MarketPlace is still open for business.


5. Babysitters For Grownups

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

While adult babysitters sound like something you’d find in the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist, there’s actually a place to send your wayward spouse if they need a little looking after. Preschool Mastermind is a month long nursery school for grownups.

If you’re over the age of 18, and want to “re-learn the basics and experience the magic of life as it was originally intended,” this might be the place for you. Based, unsurprisingly, in Brooklyn, the school charges anywhere from $333 and $999 to help you get in touch with your inner child by playing games, conducting show-and-tell and having naptime. There’s also field trips and a class picture day. Although, were assuming every day is Instagram Day at this school.


4. Binge Watching

Battlestar Portlandia
We all remember when Fred and Carrie sunk into a Battlestar Galactica K-hole, forfeiting a functional life in a desperate attempt to find out who the Final Five Cylons really were. Since that episode aired in 2012, binge-watching has gone from a funny novelty to a cultural tidal wave. Like a fever dream, you start an episode of Jessica Jones or Todd Margaret and wake up in your own filth ten hours later, filled with regret and frozen pizza.

While Fred and Carrie may have been the first to point out our obsessive new way of watching TV, it didn’t take long for the world at large to catch-up. Collin’s Dictionary even named binge-watching the 2015 Word of the Year. We’re just impressed they got around to naming anything, considering they haven’t even watched Better Call Saul yet.


3. Kiddie Music Snobs

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

Portlandia loves to dissect the disturbing degrees to which parents involve themselves in their children’s lives. Whether it’s helping them collect signatures for an important cause, or getting them accepted in a preschool at any cost, Fred and Carrie have always had an eye on the competitive parenting culture we now live in. That was certainly true with their Shooting Star Preschool sketch, in which a parent/teacher meeting turns into a music snob-off. But honestly, should a woman who doesn’t know anything about Krautrock or Neu! really be teaching your kids?

The thing is, these Pitchfork-worshiping parents aren’t that far off from the truth. There’s a whole genre of music called Kindie Rock for the discerning parent who wants their kids to sport some serious musical opinions. Full of moody rockers, hot licks and mosh pits for kids, the only difference between Kindie and their Indie Rock big brother is that their songs are more about riding the bus to school, and less about casual sex and existential dread.

Two time Grammy Nominee Justin Roberts, who got his start in the cult band Pimentos for Gus, is one of the best of the batch, creating catchy hooks and clever lyrics that sound like pop/rock hits, but with the twist that they’re geared towards the 8-and-under crowd. Let’s be honest: Barney is for babies. You aren’t a baby, are you?


2. Dumpster Diving For Profit

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

Dumpster diving used to be, at best, a sort of weirdo activity that one guy from high school did to help pay for his heroin habit. But like nearly everything else in our society, dumpster diving has been monetized.

Matt Malone calls himself a professional dumpster diver. While he makes a six figure salary as a security consultant in Texas, he claims that his dumpster dives earn him even more money. Most days, on the way home from work, he’ll swing by a local mall, dig through the trash, and often pull out hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars worth of discarded technology. He claims that, if he did this full time, he could earn as much as $250,000 a year.

While Fred and Carrie may have found the dirty hippies who scavenged for old watermelons and stained baby dolls, Malone has other ideas when it comes to our garbage. Maybe it’s time we wise up, and stop throwing this stuff away.


1. Canoe Dancing

IFC Originals

IFC Originals

And then there are things that are just too ridiculous to exist in real life…

Alright, never mind. It’s a Portlandia world, and we’re all just living in it.

Want more Portlandia? Watch a free episode from the new season right now on IFC.com or on the IFC app.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

JaniceAndJeffrey_106_MPX-1920x1080

IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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IFC-Die-Hard-Dads

Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

geowash_flat

Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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