Portland’s Five Thingiest Bands


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In a city where bands should be considered on the census, for musicians, simply writing good songs isn’t enough. You need to have a Thing. Whether it’s playing toy instruments or making beats from the sound of crying babies or recruiting your cat as a full-fledged member (foreshadowing!), an extra level of ingenuity is required for bands in Portland to rise above the competition. As you’ll see below, some band’s Things are better than others.

MarchFourth Marching Band

Members: Ryan Moore; Jenny Pancake; Richard Cawley; Dan Stauffer; Alex Yore; Aspen Walker; Dan Herrick; Keith Vidos; Ashley Ward; Andy Sterling; Michael Kennett; Heather McGarry; Topher McGarry; Jason Wells; Katie Presley; Joel Ricci; Daniel Lamb; Chris Long; Taylor Aglipay; Andy Shapiro; Michelle Christiansen; Luke Solman; Robin Jackson; Domonic Britton; Jenny Johnson; Matt Moor; Russ Liquid; BennyMo; Ethan Chessin; Eric Miller; Lesilie Kernochan; Katie Colgan; John Avril; Sid Simpatico; Aaron Lyon; Jeremiah Guske; Amy Hotfield; Scarlett Rose; Faith Jennings; Nayana Jennings; Jen Forti; LaTisha Strickland; Nathan Wallway; Aaron Levin; Alex; Eric Quist; StarChadStar; Kevee Balmer; Michael Taluc; Marnee Benson.

Sounds Like: Gogol Bordello’s Traveling Circus.

Their Thing: Fusing a funky, New Orleans-style brass band with a whole host of other sounds, then welding it to a Cirque du Soleil-like spectacle, complete with dancers and stilt-walkers.

Thing Score: 4 (out of 5). Making a scene will always get you noticed in this town, and M4 can make a scene like no other.


Members: Throat Rot; Ysan; Christo Bas; Roku; Explorer.

Sounds Like: Heavy, technically proficient, larynx-burning metal.

Their Thing: Dressing like ninjas.

Thing Rating: 3. While Ninja goes all-in with the theme—concealing their identity, creating a whole origin myth—it’s hard to imagine true ninjas playing something so loud, given their stealth and ability is drawn from having zen-like calm. Real ninjas are probably into more loungey, chill-out, downtempo type stuff.

(Photo by Derek Dahms)


Members: Alex Gall; Yoon; Q; Maddog; Chairman; Chad Deitchley.

Sounds Like: Something akin to an Oingo Boingo-Dead Kennedys supergroup covering the Mothers of Invention.

Their Thing: In 2006, the band released “Welcome to New Granada,” a rock opera based on the film “Over the Edge.”

Thing Rating: 2. DRATS!!! has established itself as one of Portland’s zaniest institutions, so nothing it does could be considered a true Thing, no matter how off-the-wall. Insanity is just its style. Now, if it put out a concept album about “Over the Top,” then we can talk about that rating.


Members: Um…not available?

Sounds Like: I’ll pass this over to my friend and colleague, AP Kryza, who wrote of the band a couple years ago, “Did Frank Zappa accidentally eat the brown acid and have an Eraserhead baby? If not, how the hell did Marmits happen?”

Their Thing: Masks and costumes apparently purchased from a Troma Studios garage sale.

Thing Rating: 4. Really, when you make music as frighteningly obtuse and purposely polarizing as mARMITs, you need a good Thing to have any audience at all. Looking like an acid-fried Slipknot and talking like creatures from an ’80s Jim Henson movie is a good Thing.

(Photo by Tarina Westlund)

Portland Cello Project

Members: Justin Kagan; Skip Von Kuske; Gideon Freudmann; Anna Fritz; Allegra M; Sonja Myklebust; Galen Cohen; Kevin Jackson; Douglas Jenkins; Ashia Grzesik; Samantha Kushnick; Robert Brooks; Brian Bruner; Emma Wood; Collin Oldham; Melissa Bach; Sarah Young; John Whaley; Jen Harrison; Teagen Andrews; Jourdan Paul; Jill Coykendall; Leander Star; Elise Blatchford; Matt Berger; John Vecchiarrelli; Rachel Blumberg.

Sounds Like: Your favorite songs, made safe for your grandma.

Their Thing: Adapting everyone from Britney Spears to Kanye West to Pantera to cello.

Thing Rating: 5. If you could see how crazy everyone around here gets whenever the PCP cello-izes a new hip-hop or pop hit (which is a lot), you’d understand why their Thing is the best Thing going in Portland.

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Documentary Now! Robert Evans Mansion

The Reel Deal

Everything You Need To Know About “Mr. Runner Up” Inspiration Robert Evans

Watch the two-part finale of Documentary Now! this Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

In its upcoming two-part finale, Documentary Now! spoofs the crown jewel of docs: The Kid Stays In The Picture. It’s the autobiographical documentary about Robert Evans, the unlikely Hollywood mogul whose mix of self-aggrandizing bravado, classic good looks and extremely circumstantial good luck took him from being a salesman to an actor to the head of Paramount Pictures.

If you’ve never seen the film, it’s totally worth it. Rotten Tomatoes agrees, with a staggeringly-high approval rating. Watch it before, or watch it after — doesn’t matter. You’ll appreciate it whenever.

In the meantime, here’s a bit of background that will come in handy…

Robert Loves Robert

Robert Evans desk

USA Films/Everett Collection

Robert Evans is the ultimate Robert Evans fan. The movie was narrated by Robert Evans and based on his memoir of the same name. It is totally unbiased.

He’s Kind Of A Big Deal

Robert Evans, Chinatown
Paramount Pictures

Evans produced some of Hollywood’s true classics: Chinatown, Rosemary’s Baby, The Godfather, Love Story…the list goes on. Totally legit and amazing movies.

He’s Also Kind Of A Joke

Wag The Dog
New Line Cinema

Evans has been parodied in TV shows and movies like Entourage and Wag The Dog. He is the quintessential “producer” you already have in your head.

So Wrong He’s Right

Robert Evans Slap
20th Century Film Corp

Robert Evans is a notorious narcissist whose love of self is so blind and sincere that it’s actually adorable.

There’s Something Missing

via Giphy

Entire sections of Robert Evans’ life are left out of the documentary. Maybe it’s because of timing. Maybe it’s because real life isn’t a tidy narrative. Who knows.

He Blew It

Spider coke

Evans had a pretty spectacular fall from grace. He was convicted of cocaine trafficking in the early 80’s, and was connected to a contract killing during the production of The Cotton Club. Oops.

Losing Is For Losers

Everett Collection
Everett Collection

In the Robert Evans mythology, all tragedies are just triumphs in disguise, and every story has a happy ending…for Robert Evans.

Bill Hader Jerry Wallach

With these simple facts in hand you are now prepared to thoroughly enjoy the two-part finale of Documentary Now! starting this Wednesday at 10/9c on IFC.

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Weird Roles

Anthony Michael Hall’s Most Rotten Movies

Catch Anthony Michael Hall in Weird Science on Friday at 8P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Universal/Everett Collection

Anthony Michael Hall was the quintessential ’80s nerd. We love him in classics like The Breakfast Club and National Lampoon’s Vacation. But even the brainiest among us has his weak spots. In honor of Weird Science airing this Rotten Friday, we analyze Hall’s worst movies.

Weird Science (1985) 56%

A low point for John Hughes, Weird Science is way too wacky for its own good. Anthony Michael Hall’s Gary and his pal Wyatt (Ilan Mitchell-Smith) create the “perfect woman.” Supernatural chaos ensues. The film costars a young Bill Paxton, floppy disks, and a general disconnect from all reality.

The Caveman’s Valentine (2001) 46%

This ambitious drama starring Samuel L. Jackson couldn’t live up to its rich premise. Jackson plays Romulus, a Juilliard-educated, paranoid schizophrenic who lives in a cave. Hall co-stars as Bob, a rich man, who wants to see Romulus play the piano. The plot centers around Romulus investigating a murder, but with so much going on, the movie never quite finds its rhythm.

All About the Benjamins (2002) 30%

Ice Cube plays a bounty hunter who teams up with Mike Epps’ con man to catch diamond thieves. Hall plays Lil J, a small-time drug dealer. It’s definitely a role we’ve never seen Hall in, but overall the movie isn’t funny or original enough to justify its violence.

Freddy Got Fingered (2001) 11%

This showcase for Tom Green’s goofy gross-out comedy is often hailed as one of the worst films of all time. Green plays Gord, a 20-something slacker, who dreams of having his own animated series. Hall is Dave Davidson, a CEO of an animation studio who eventually helps Gord find success. Too bad Tom Green wasn’t so lucky.

Johnny Be Good (1988) 0%

Hall plays against type as Johnny Walker, a star quarterback. Robert Downey Jr. is his best friend and Uma Thurman plays his devoted girlfriend. Despite the support of a future A-list cast, the movie lacks central conflict and charm. Or, as TV Guide put it, “Johnny be worthless.” Ouch.

Catch the “Too Rotten to Miss” Weird Science this Friday at 8P on IFC.

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Season 6: Episode 1: Pickathon

Binge Fest

Portlandia Season 6 Now Available On DVD

The perfect addition to your locally-sourced, artisanal DVD collection.

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End of summer got you feeling like:

Portlandia Toni Screaming GIF

Ease into fall with Portlandia‘s sixth season. Relive the latest exploits of Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein’s cast of characters, including Doug and Claire’s poignant breakup, Lance’s foray into intellectual society, and the terrifying rampage of a tsukemen Noodle Monster! Plus, guest stars The Flaming Lips, Glenn Danzig, Louis C.K., Kevin Corrigan, Zoë Kravitz, and more stop by to experience what Portlandia is all about.

Pick up a copy of the DVD today, or watch full episodes and series extras now on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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