DID YOU READ

Stuffing Your Face in PDX — The Healthy Way

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Martin Cizmar moved to Portland last year as a skinny man. I bring up his weight because 1) he struggled with it for years, 2) he wrote an entire book about losing it, and 3) as a new-ish resident of one of the country’s rising culinary meccas, he’d like to keep it off.

In the following guest blog, Cizmar — who’s day job is A&C editor at venerable Portland publication Willamette Week, a paper I also contribute to — offers dine-out tips for PDX tourists and freshly minted citizens alike who want to eat well in the city while also eating well.


Portland wants to make you fat. It’s not, like, a malicious thing. It just sorta happens when a city’s culinary mascots are a bacon-topped doughnut and a plate of chicken wings covered in fish sauce. So much Stumptown food seems to be creamy and bacon-topped: Perfect for bike messengers, but not the rest of us. Yet there are plenty of awesome and very Portlandian food options that won’t make you fat.

I wrote a whole 200-something page hipster weight loss guide about how to stay awesome on a diet—Chubster, which is available now at Powell’s or wherever else people buy books—but here’s a little cheat sheet.

Banh Mi from Best Baguette
8308 SE Powell Boulevard
thebestbaguette.com, (503) 788-3098

Banh Mi are Vietnamese sandwiches. Like Subway, they feature a little bit of meat and a pile of vegetables on an light, springy bun. Squirt on some Sriracha and you’re set. As the New York Times notes, they’re big up and down the West Coast. Portland’s Best Baguette is an outlier, though, since the joint has a drive-thru. Yeah, I know, who drives in Portland, right? It’s still cool to see, and they’ll (probably) serve you on a bike.
Order: Grilled Pork, hold the galic mayo, $3.25. Best Baguette doesn’t publish nutrition information but a similar offering from California’s Lee’s Sandwiches is only 300 calories.

Coffee from Stumptown Coffee Roasters
128 SW 3rd Ave
stumptowncoffee.com, (503) 295-6144

Portland’s two favorite beverages are coffee and beer. Any visitor should definitely check out at least one craft brewery (the Rogue and Deschutes tasting rooms do not count) but if you’re doing the tour thing, plan to get caffeinated instead of tipsy. While a pint of most craft brews has 150 calories or more, coffee is, like, five calories per cup. Portland has some of the best coffee roasters in the world, including Stumptown, Coava, Kobos and Ristretto. Stumptown—the original location out on D Street or the downtown location by Voodoo Doughnut—offer great experiences. The location on Belmont does free tastings…erm, “cuppings,” every day, which is an joyfully geeky experience.
Order: Any of the single-origin beans, made with the Chemex pour-over system. Price varies.

Apples from Sheridan Fruit Market
409 SE Martin Luther King Junior Boulevard
sheridanfruit.com, (503) 236-2113

If it’s summer and Portland’s farmers markets are in full swing, you should plan to stop by with a tote bag and a wad of cash. If it’s winter, it’s rainy and cold, so that’s not really an option. Great produce is still available at Food Front, New Seasons and Sheridan Fruit Market. The latter has been around since 1916 and has a small-but-excellent, local-oriented selection. This is a big berry town (marionberries!) but this time of year it’s a lot easier to find Pacific Northwest apples.
Order: A pound of Fortune apples, approximately $2. A large apple has only about 110 calories.

Meringue from Petite Provence
1824 NE Alberta
provence-portland.com, (503) 284-6564

Bakeries are a challenge for dieters. Portland has a lot of very excellent offerings (Ken’s Artisan, Little T American, St. Jack, Pix) but most tend to make large and dense pastries topped with sugary concoctions. Petite Provence is a little too elegant to be a hipster hangout, but with locations on Alberta and D Street and very light meringue cookies in the case, you should visit. Meringues are made with egg whites and a little sugar which, when baked, give a cookie-like crunch without the calories of a dense dough. PP does fun ones in the shapes of dogs and chickens, and they’re both cheap and low in calories.
Order: Meringue cookie, $2. Depending on the size, it probably has between 100 and 200 calories.

Omelet at Stepping Stone Cafe
2390 NW Quimby St
steppingstonecafe.com, (503) 222-1132

Portland is a huge brunch town—possibly because it’s also a sleeping-in-until-noon town—which offers both the chance to skip a meal and the chance to stuff yourself full of pork and baked goods. Omelets are the way to go: protein-packed and low in calories, especially if you get egg whites and veggies inside. Stepping Stone is a cute little diner in Northwest Portland that’ll do egg whites for a small upcharge and replace your hash browns with cottage cheese or tomato slices for free.
Order: The Grazing Goat (spinach, artichoke, portabella mushrooms and feta cheese) with egg whites, wheat toast and cottage cheese on the side, $11. This will be about 750 calories.

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Face Melting Cameos

The 10 Most Metal Pop Culture Cameos

Glenn Danzig drops by Portlandia tonight at 10P on IFC.

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Glenn Danzig rocks harder than granite. In his 60 years, he’s mastered punk with The Misfits, slayed metal with the eponymous Danzig, and generally melted faces with the force of his voice. And thanks to Fred and Carrie, he’s now stopping by tonight’s brand new Portlandia so we can finally get to see what “Evil Elvis” is like when he hits the beach. To celebrate his appearance, we put together our favorite metal moments from pop culture, from the sublime to the absurd.

10. Cannibal Corpse meets Ace Ventura

Back in the ’90s,  Cannibal Corpse was just a small time band from Upstate New York, plying their death metal wares wherever they could find a crowd, when a call from Jim Carry transformed their lives. Turns out the actor was a fan, and wanted them for a cameo in his new movie, Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. The band had a European tour coming up, and were wary of being made fun of, so they turned it down. Thankfully, the rubber-faced In Living Color vet wouldn’t take no for an answer, proving that you don’t need to have a lot of fans, just the right ones.


9. AC/DC in Private Parts

Howard Stern’s autobiographical film, based on his book of the same name, followed his rise in the world of radio and pop culture. For a man surrounded by naked ladies and adoring fans, it’s hard to track the exact moment he made it. But rocking out with AC/DC in the middle of Central Park, as throngs of fans clamor to get a piece of you, seems like it comes pretty close. You can actually see Stern go from hit host to radio god in this clip, as “You Shook Me All Night Long” blasts in the background.


8. Judas Priest meets The Simpsons

When you want to blast a bunch of peace-loving hippies out on their asses, you’re going to need some death metal. At least, that’s what the folks at The Simpsons thought when they set up this cameo from the metal gods. Unfortunately, thanks to a hearty online backlash, the writers of the classic series were soon informed that Judas Priest, while many things, are not in fact “death metal.” This led to the most Simpson-esque apology ever. Rock on, Bartman. Rock on.


7. Anthrax on Married…With Children

What do you get when Married…with Children spoofs My Dinner With Andre, substituting the erudite playwrights for a band so metal they piss rust? Well, for starters, a lot of headbanging, property destruction and blown eardrums. And much like everything else in life, Al seems to have missed the fun.


6. Motorhead rocks out on The Young Ones

The Young Ones didn’t just premiere on BBC2 in 1982 — it kicked the doors down to a new way of doing comedy. A full-on assault on the staid state of sitcoms, the show brought a punk rock vibe to the tired format, and in the process helped jumpstart a comedy revolution. For instance, where an old sitcom would just cut from one scene to the next, The Young Ones choose to have Lemmy and his crew deliver a raw version of “Ace of Spades.” The general attitude seemed to be, you don’t like this? Well, then F— you!


5. Red and Kitty Meet Kiss on That ’70s Show

Carsey-Werner Productions

Carsey-Werner Productions

Long before they were banished to playing arena football games, Kiss was the hottest ticket in rock. The gang from That ’70s Show got to live out every ’70s teen’s dream when they were set loose backstage at a Kiss concert, taking full advantage of groupies, ganja and hard rock.


4. Ronnie James Dio in Tenacious D in The Pick of Destiny (NSFW, people!)

What does a young boy do when he was born to rock, and the world won’t let him? What tight compadre does he pray to for guidance and some sweet licks? If you’re a young Jables, half of “the world’s most awesome band,” you bow your head to Ronnie James Dio, aka the guy who freaking taught the world how to do the “Metal Horns.” Never before has a rock god been so literal than in this clip that turns it up to eleven.


3. Ozzy Osbourne in Trick or Treat

It’s hard to tell if Ozzy was trying his hardest here, or just didn’t give a flying f–k. What is clear is that, either way, it doesn’t really matter. Ozzy’s approach to acting seems to lean more heavily on Jack Daniels than sense memory, and yet seeing the slurry English rocker play a sex-obsessed televangelist is so ridiculous, he gets a free pass. Taking part in the cult horror Trick or Treat, Ozzy proves that he makes things better just by showing up. Because that’s exactly what he did here. Showed up. And it rocks.


2. Glenn Danzig on Portlandia

Danzig seems to be coming out of a self imposed exile these days. He just signed with a record company, and his appearance on Portlandia is reminding everyone how kick ass he truly is. Who else but “The Other Man in Black” could help Portland’s resident goths figure out what to wear to the beach? Carrie Brownstein called Danzig “amazing,” and he called Fred “a genius,” so this was a rare love fest for the progenitor of horror punk.


1. Alice Cooper in Wayne’s World

It’s surprising, sure, but for a scene that contains no music whatsoever, it’s probably the most famous metal moment in the history of film. When Alice Cooper informed Wayne and Garth that Milwaukee is actually pronounced “Milly-way-kay” back in 1992, he created one of the most famous scenes in comedy history. What’s more metal than that? Much like Wayne and Garth, we truly are not worthy.

Meet Brokelandia, Inspired by Portlandia

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As fans of Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein’s hit sketch comedy “Portlandia” we know you’ve already seen, maybe memorized, the “Did you read?” sketch posted up above. Go ahead and watch it again, we’ll wait. That competitive reading bit from the first season of “Portlandia” has inspired many admirers, but none so ambitious perhaps as the good folks at Brokelyn, the Brooklyn-based blog dedicated to living the high life on the cheap. They made a Brooklyn version based on competitive artisanal food eating called “Did You Eat It?” and we love it. Watch below:

Brokelandia – Did You Eat It? from Brokelyn on Vimeo.

Want the latest news from Portlandia? Like us on Facebook and follow us on @IFCportlandia and use the hashtag #Portlandia.

“Portlandia” airs on IFC on Fridays at 10/9c

Keep Portland Woolly: The 2012 West Coast Beard and Mustache Championships

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Yes, I know this is the blog for “Portlandia,” not “Whisker Wars.” What’s more Portlandian than a big ol’ bushy beard, though? The only thing that comes closest to screaming “I’m from Portland” more is a ridiculous mustache.

It’s no surprise, then, that the Crystal Ballroom would be absolutely packed at 3 p.m. on a Saturday for the 2012 West Coast Beard and Mustache Championships. Over 100 fiercely hirsute men and, yes, women from Portland and elsewhere (Austin represented particularly hard), along with an audience of hundreds more face-fuzz fanatics, gathered inside the elegant concert hall on January 21 to determine who is truly the hairiest of them all. Hosted by the Stumptown Stash and Beard Collective, the competition awarded prizes — specifically, plaques adorned with beaver skulls (fake beaver skulls, host Justin Cate assured the crowd) — in a dozen categories, including Best Natural Mustache, Best Chops, Best Freestyle Beard and, for the ladies, Best “Stashy Stachette” and Best “Bearded Beauty.”

As you’ll see in the pics below, presentation was key, but for the most part, the judges — Portland luminaries Brian Adrian Koch of Blitzen Trapper, Voodoo Doughnut’s Tres Shannon, “entertainer” Rocket Ship and man about town/”Portlandia” guest star Jedediah Aaker — kept it all about the purity and ingenuity of the ‘stache and/or beard itself.

Host Justin Cate, president of the Stumptown Stash and Beard Collective. When not emceeing, he competes in the Best Beard Over 1 Foot category.


The Judges: Rocket Ship, Brian Adrian Koch, Tres Shannon, Jedediah Aaker, and the Severed Head of Wham!-Era George Micheal.


The competitors in Best Beard Under 1 Foot.


The crowd at the Crystal Ballroom. What do you call facial hair groupies? Whiskerites? Stache-a-maniacs? Furries? Definitely not furries.


Auto-stache (shaped like a wrench, BTW), Steampunk-stache, Zombie-stache.


Make Love, Not War! Grow Beards, Not Germs for Biological Weapons! Eh, doesn’t have the same ring to it.


Jack Passion, a cast member from the first season of “Whisker Wars” and the “Muhammad Ali of bearding.”


There’s a staaaaaarfiiiiiish/Waiting in my beard!


Octo-Beard!


In competitive mustaching, size matters…even for the women.


Post-Apocalypse Beard, complete with feral child.


Ladies and gentlemen, Sam Elliott!


Ladies and gentlemen, the Lorax!


Ladies and gentlemen, Stromboli from “Pinnochio”!


Is it getting hairy in here, or is it just me?


The happiest man in Beardtown.



Cowboy-stache.


After the award ceremony was a ceremony of a different kind, as Steve Scarpa and Savannah Flansburg tied the knot in front of a few hundred of their furriest friends.

(Photos by Matthew Singer)

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