DID YOU READ

Stuffing Your Face in PDX — The Healthy Way

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Martin Cizmar moved to Portland last year as a skinny man. I bring up his weight because 1) he struggled with it for years, 2) he wrote an entire book about losing it, and 3) as a new-ish resident of one of the country’s rising culinary meccas, he’d like to keep it off.

In the following guest blog, Cizmar — who’s day job is A&C editor at venerable Portland publication Willamette Week, a paper I also contribute to — offers dine-out tips for PDX tourists and freshly minted citizens alike who want to eat well in the city while also eating well.


Portland wants to make you fat. It’s not, like, a malicious thing. It just sorta happens when a city’s culinary mascots are a bacon-topped doughnut and a plate of chicken wings covered in fish sauce. So much Stumptown food seems to be creamy and bacon-topped: Perfect for bike messengers, but not the rest of us. Yet there are plenty of awesome and very Portlandian food options that won’t make you fat.

I wrote a whole 200-something page hipster weight loss guide about how to stay awesome on a diet—Chubster, which is available now at Powell’s or wherever else people buy books—but here’s a little cheat sheet.

Banh Mi from Best Baguette
8308 SE Powell Boulevard
thebestbaguette.com, (503) 788-3098

Banh Mi are Vietnamese sandwiches. Like Subway, they feature a little bit of meat and a pile of vegetables on an light, springy bun. Squirt on some Sriracha and you’re set. As the New York Times notes, they’re big up and down the West Coast. Portland’s Best Baguette is an outlier, though, since the joint has a drive-thru. Yeah, I know, who drives in Portland, right? It’s still cool to see, and they’ll (probably) serve you on a bike.
Order: Grilled Pork, hold the galic mayo, $3.25. Best Baguette doesn’t publish nutrition information but a similar offering from California’s Lee’s Sandwiches is only 300 calories.

Coffee from Stumptown Coffee Roasters
128 SW 3rd Ave
stumptowncoffee.com, (503) 295-6144

Portland’s two favorite beverages are coffee and beer. Any visitor should definitely check out at least one craft brewery (the Rogue and Deschutes tasting rooms do not count) but if you’re doing the tour thing, plan to get caffeinated instead of tipsy. While a pint of most craft brews has 150 calories or more, coffee is, like, five calories per cup. Portland has some of the best coffee roasters in the world, including Stumptown, Coava, Kobos and Ristretto. Stumptown—the original location out on D Street or the downtown location by Voodoo Doughnut—offer great experiences. The location on Belmont does free tastings…erm, “cuppings,” every day, which is an joyfully geeky experience.
Order: Any of the single-origin beans, made with the Chemex pour-over system. Price varies.

Apples from Sheridan Fruit Market
409 SE Martin Luther King Junior Boulevard
sheridanfruit.com, (503) 236-2113

If it’s summer and Portland’s farmers markets are in full swing, you should plan to stop by with a tote bag and a wad of cash. If it’s winter, it’s rainy and cold, so that’s not really an option. Great produce is still available at Food Front, New Seasons and Sheridan Fruit Market. The latter has been around since 1916 and has a small-but-excellent, local-oriented selection. This is a big berry town (marionberries!) but this time of year it’s a lot easier to find Pacific Northwest apples.
Order: A pound of Fortune apples, approximately $2. A large apple has only about 110 calories.

Meringue from Petite Provence
1824 NE Alberta
provence-portland.com, (503) 284-6564

Bakeries are a challenge for dieters. Portland has a lot of very excellent offerings (Ken’s Artisan, Little T American, St. Jack, Pix) but most tend to make large and dense pastries topped with sugary concoctions. Petite Provence is a little too elegant to be a hipster hangout, but with locations on Alberta and D Street and very light meringue cookies in the case, you should visit. Meringues are made with egg whites and a little sugar which, when baked, give a cookie-like crunch without the calories of a dense dough. PP does fun ones in the shapes of dogs and chickens, and they’re both cheap and low in calories.
Order: Meringue cookie, $2. Depending on the size, it probably has between 100 and 200 calories.

Omelet at Stepping Stone Cafe
2390 NW Quimby St
steppingstonecafe.com, (503) 222-1132

Portland is a huge brunch town—possibly because it’s also a sleeping-in-until-noon town—which offers both the chance to skip a meal and the chance to stuff yourself full of pork and baked goods. Omelets are the way to go: protein-packed and low in calories, especially if you get egg whites and veggies inside. Stepping Stone is a cute little diner in Northwest Portland that’ll do egg whites for a small upcharge and replace your hash browns with cottage cheese or tomato slices for free.
Order: The Grazing Goat (spinach, artichoke, portabella mushrooms and feta cheese) with egg whites, wheat toast and cottage cheese on the side, $11. This will be about 750 calories.

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Kate McKinnon Comedy Bang Bang

Live From Scott's Couch

8 Times SNL Cast Members Brought the Funny to Comedy Bang! Bang!

Celebrate 100 episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! Friday starting at 11P on IFC.

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The cast of Saturday Night Live has produced an uncountable number of legendary characters, from Roseanne Rosannadanna to Wayne and Garth. But despite 40 years of sketch comedy history, there were still opportunities for cast members to find themselves creating new bits on the set of Comedy Bang! Bang!These are some of the best characters to come out of 30 Rockefeller Center.

8. Kate McKinnon, professional upstairs neighbor

Kate McKinnon

The best sketch characters are relatable, and unfortunately for anyone living in an apartment building, Kate McKinnon‘s passive-aggressive Effie Villalopolus is very relatable. Despite an on-set earthquake during her Comedy Bang! Bang! episode, she still perfectly summed up her feelings towards her neighbors in finely crafted notes. Effie’s trip to CB!B! was such a success that she changed her name and soon found herself at the Weekend Update desk.


7. Will Forte wants your vote for U.S. Senate

Will Forte

Will Forte is a member of the Comedy Bang! Bang! two-timers club. After his first appearance on the pilot episode as a pilot (right?!), he returned for his second time to rock the vote as an overly honest politician. Drugs, strange fetishes, and a patsy for lobbyists; he would probably fit right in this election season. He taught everyone how extremely valuable it is to vote, so that candidates like him will never get elected.


6. Andy Samberg plays himself

Andy Samberg

Before Andy Samberg joined Comedy Bang! Bang! twice with The Lonely Island, he made the journey on his own. While on set, Andy learned he got a huge part in the Battletoads movie from psychic Tan Fu (Jordan Peele). Andy also danced, answered Scott Aukerman’s hard-hitting questions, and enjoyed every minute as a couch guest. It was a performance nobody is soon to forget.


5. Paul Brittain and Taran Killam are the Calvins Twins

Paul and Taran

The Calvins Twins stormed into the CB!B! universe when Paul Brittain and Taran Killam were guests on the podcast, quickly becoming fan favorites. Their first foray into TV went just as expected, with tales of horse fighting, overly detailed directions to their farm, and important life lessons about not taking anything too seriously. Their now famous catchphrase (“You gotta laugh!”) even applied to the episode’s guest, Jenna Fischer, who could not keep a straight face.


4. Maya Rudolph represents for the ladies

Maya Rudolph

Maya Rudolph is a good friend of IFC. You probably saw her in Portlandia fronting a band or in The Spoils Before Dying as a ghostly singer, and she’ll soon be starring on a music-centric episode of Documentary Now!. On Comedy Bang! Bang! however, there was no band and there were no ghosts. Just Maya and a whole lot of love. The most important lesson she learned while on the show is that that “the show must go on” and not that “the show must goon.”


3. Fred Armisen in the Late Night wars

Fred Armisen

The stars of IFC are usually all one big happy family, but when Fred Armisen joined CB!B! as a couch guest, tensions ran high. Both Fred and Scott were fighting for the same job in late night television — even though we think they both have the best jobs now. Despite Fred’s patented guitar-driven humor, Scott was less than welcoming to him. Though we’re sure he’d love to come back and do the show anytime.


2. Horatio Sanz is Aaron Neville, famous musician

Horatio Sanz

Horatio Sanz has been a guest on the CB!B! podcast numerous times and he’s a TV show four-timer. It’s always a treat to see where Sanz will take a bit, since it’s anyone’s guess if he even knows most of the time where he’s going until he gets there. With his portrayal of soulful singer Aaron Neville, Sanz provided the audience with a bonus musical element. Even better than that, he stopped by with new causes to support, which may or may not do more harm than good.


1. Bobby Moynihan is cute (and stabby) orphan boy Fourvel

Bobby M

Bobby Moynihan, the Drunk Uncle himself, knows how to run with a recurring character. Little orphan Fourvel is one of the few Comedy Bang! Bang! characters to return to the show more than once. It’s surprising security keeps allowing Fourvel on set with his foul mouth and penchant for cutlery, but the little scamp has grown into a fan favorite. For being such a small boy, he brings a big energy to the show.

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Cameron Esposito Maron

That's What She Said

5 Times Cameron Esposito Preached the Truth

Join Cameron Esposito for a Maron live Tweet tonight starting at 9P PT.

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As anyone who has caught her stand-up act or one of her many late appearances knows, Cameron Esposito is one of the most honest comedians working today. With Cameron returning to Maron this week during Marc’s amends tour, we thought we’d look back at some of the times she told truth to power, whether that be the former host of The Tonight Show or a patriarchy that finds women’s bodies “yucky.”

5. “I mentioned that like me and all lesbians everywhere, Jay loves denim.”

Jay Leno
CBS Television


4. “Sir, there is no chance that you are less into me than I am into you.”


3. Failure Is Just Practice For Success.

CE3
AV Club


2. Guns Don’t Kill People. Knives Do.

Seeso
Seeso

CE7
Seeso

CE8
Seeso


1. The Most Epic Period Joke Ever Told.



Follow @ifc to join Cameron Esposito’s live-Tweet of tonight’s brand new Maron starting at 9P PT. 

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Big Sue Lauren Lapkus

Lauren Laughkus

5 Lauren Lapkus Characters That Prove She’s a Comedy Superstar

Celebrate 100 episodes of Comedy Bang! Bang! Friday July 1st starting at 11P on IFC.

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Outside of comedy circles, Lauren Lapkus is best known for her roles in Jurassic World and Orange is The New Black, aka Oranges, the New Black. Since IFC is inside of the comedy circles, we know her best from her wide range of characters on the Comedy Bang! Bang! podcast and talk show.

Many of Lapkus’ characters have grown out of podcasts (CB!B!, With Special Guest) resulting in only a few making the leap to television. To continue our celebration of CB!B!‘s 100th episode, we’ve made a list of the top 5 Lauren Lapkus characters lucky enough to exist in a visual medium.

1. Harmony Moonglass

Harmony Moonglass

Harmony Moonglass entered our lives alongside Thomas Middleditch (Silicon Valley) on the Comedy Bang! Bang! couch where she lead Scott, Thomas, and Reggie through a guided meditation session. They pictured tranquil trees, cuddly squirrels, and the near reconciliation of a long lost love. Unfortunately, Scott couldn’t take the talk out of his talk show and kept ruining everyone’s meditative high. Middleditch and Lapkus later partnered again on the CB!B! podcast to create new fan favorite characters, the kid detectives.


2. Big Sue

Big Sue CBB Lauren Lapkus

The Comedy Bang! Bang! set is no stranger to entrepreneurial guests. Lots of business owners have graced Scott Aukerman’s talk show looking to receive the patented CB!B! bump. Big Sue came to the show in an entrepreneurial class of her own, with her business “Carpets and Rugs, Down There.” Due to a pizza-fueled incident, her entire inventory is full of soaking wet carpets and rugs. She’s still looking to sell her first carpet if you’re in the market.


3. Sarah from Date-zaster

DateZaster
Not every CB!B! character gets the privilege of sitting on the couch to receive one of Scott Aukerman’s famous interview questions. For those without couch privileges, the second best thing is to be in one of Scott’s new television or movie projects. In his new prank show, Date-zaster, Lapkus plays the role of an actress playing the role of a Date-zaster victim. It’s a small, but complex role that Lapkus plays with nuance and grace.


4. Todd

Todd
While Todd certainly exists in the CB!B! universe, as Scott’s live-in nephew, he has yet to appear on the TV show. Despite his absence on CB!B!, he did appear onscreen in Lapkus’ episode of the aptly named Netflix show, The Characters. Like any kid whose age is “middle school,” two of Todd’s favorite things are cursing and his mom. Since Todd now has a taste for show business, here’s hoping he’s up for a future episode of Comedy Bang! Bang!.


5. Whitney Peeps

Whitney Peeps

We were introduced to Lapkus’ Whitney Peeps in a CB!B! episode that also features Kevin Smith and a donkey pretending to be Stevie Wonder. Overcoming the star power of those two, Lapkus shines through as an international philanthropist who will only give back to the community if she wins a contest, gets paid, or is somehow rewarded in any manner. As Smith points out, it’s very self-serving, but Whitney Peeps isn’t someone who would let something like that slow her down.

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