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Apocalypse Whaaa?: Where to spend your Portland Armageddon

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As we all know, the world is ending this year. (If Roland Emmerich makes a movie about it, then it must be true.) What the Mayans didn’t tell us is exactly what that means. What specific brand of doom is coming our way? Is the earth going to collapse into a giant sinkhole? Are aliens invading to steal our precious fluids? Monkey-pox outbreak? Waterworld?

Don’t fret, though. Whatever the cause of our utter annihilation, Portland is prepared. If you just happen to be visiting the Rose City when the meteor hits or the sun explodes or the grain starts to overrun the planet, don’t let a little apocalypse ruin your vacation. Even if all existence begins to crumble around you, there are still plenty of places to go and things to see. It just requires a minor tweak of your plans. Here now are just a few suggestions on how to spend your end-times in Stumptown, depending on the cataclysmic scenario. Calm down: We’re going to get through this together. The end of the world doesn’t have to be the end of the world.

Natural disaster: Andy & Bax
324 SE Grand Ave., (503) 234-7538

A military surplus store on mushrooms, Andy and Bax has essentially been stockpiling for Armageddon since it opened. What kind of Armageddon? Any kind, really: tectonic plate-shifting earthquake; Ice Age; ninja-pocalypse (a longshot, but there are throwing stars and nunchucks available just in case). Half the store looks like a costume shop specifically designed for World War II battle reenactors, with country-specific combat helmets, uniforms, boots, gas masks and a mannequin posed in a flight suit purportedly worn by a pilot in an observer plane during the nuking of Nagasaki. For the Outward Bound set—and really, that’s going to include all of us once the infrastructure collapses—there’s all sorts of affordable camping gear, from propane stoves and lanterns to instant hot shower kits, Dutch ovens, government-issued extreme-cold sleeping bags and skillets big enough to fry a baby bear in. Oh, and what the hell: While you’re at it, why not pick up a pink bedazzled cowboy hat and Mexican wrestling mask? Live it up! There’s no one left to judge you, anyway.

Nuclear war: Glowing Greens
509 SW Taylor St., (503) 222-5554

In a city where every home has a basement and every street corner a subterranean bar (not to mention the Shanghai Tunnels beneath Old Town), there are plenty of potential places to take cover when the bombs begin to fall. Keep in mind, however, that there’s only one pirate-themed indoor miniature golf course. Why hide there? Well, first of all, it’s underground. Second, everything is neon colored and illuminated by blacklight, which will help survivors get acclimated to the new psychedelicized radioactive environment they’ll encounter once the smoke clears. And most importantly, when the earth is repopulated, future humans of the dystopian wasteland are going to need some method of blowing off steam, and someone must pass down to the next, possibly horribly mutated generation the concept of leisure. All hail the post-apocalyptic pastime: glow-in-the-dark 3D putt-putt golf!

Zombie fever: The Safari Club
116 SE 4th Ave., Estacada OR, (503) 630-3208

Technically, this place is located in Estacada, a small, rural town about 25 minutes outside Portland proper, but when the dead begin to rise and feast on the flesh of the living, it’ll be a good idea to flee the metropolitan area. And when escaping masses of the shambling undead, you’re going to want to be in a place with a lot of taxidermied animals. A rare combination of Portland kitsch with the, um, “redder” sensibilities of the rest of Oregon, the Safari Club is a 40-year-old roadside landmark, a restaurant and dance club decorated with dozens of stuffed big-game beasts, hanging on the walls and posed behind glass. Frankly, it doesn’t have much strategic value in a zombie apocalypse. It just looks like the kind of weird setting from a low-budget mid-’80s horror movie where people would hole up to fight off the zombie hordes. Sorry if this isn’t much help. I’d recommend my friends’ heavily fortified compound nearby, which is where I’m going the moment the first corpses stand upright, but the invitation is somewhat exclusive.

Rise of the machines: Sauvie Island

In the case of a “Terminator”- (or, if you prefer, “Maximum Overdrive”-) style mechanical revolution, getting back to nature and away from murderous little toasters is going to be key. Sauvie Island is the largest island on the Columbia River and located only 10 miles from downtown, and from what I’ve gleaned, modernity stopped moving forward there in the 1700s, as it appears to exist only to provide land for corn mazes, pumpkin patches, and clothing-optional beaches. Yes, there is a nude beach there. What? Oh, just because it’s the apocalypse, men are supposed to be less enthused about the prospect of ogling naked women? Whatever. Be careful, though: It is not far from Portland’s industrial northwest, which could come alive with homicidal machinery. But again: Nude beach.

The Rapture: 24 Hour Church of Elvis
408 NW Couch St., (503) 226-3671

Let’s face it: If this apocalypse is the work of a deity—any deity—Portland is royally screwed. We’ve been living in hedonistic decadence (well, decadence on the level of a really awesome thrift store, anyway) for too long to repent now. Of course, on the off chance that the King of Kings is actually the King, the best hope for us sinners of getting into Hunka-Hunka-Heaven when it comes time for His ultimate comeback special is to haul ass to Chinatown and humble ourselves before the shrine at the 24 Hour Church of Elvis. And by “shrine,” I mean the coin-operated machine at the above address, which offers a blessing from the Sideburned One himself. An institution of Old Weird Portland, the Church has changed locations several times since the mid-’80s, yet it always seems to magically reappear somewhere else in town, which is enough of a sign of divine providence for me. And unlike other churches, it only charges a quarter to save your rock’n’roll soul. Salvation has never come so cheap!

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Final Countdown

The Best Of The Last

Portlandia Goes Out With A Bang

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The end is near. In mere days Portlandia wraps up its final season, and oh what a season it’s been. Lucky for you, you can watch the entire season right now right here and on the IFC app, including this free episode courtesy of Subaru.

But now, let’s take a moment to look back at some of the new classics Fred and Carrie have so thoughtfully bestowed upon us. (We’ll be looking back through tear-blurred eyes, but you do you.)

Couples Dinner

It’s not that being single sucks, it’s that you suck if you’re single.

Cancel it!

A sketch for anyone who has cancelled more appointments than they’ve kept. Which is everyone.

Forgotten America

This one’s a “Serial” killer…everything both right and wrong about true crime podcasts.

Wedding Planners

The only bad wedding is a boring wedding.

Disaster Hut

It’s only the end of the world if your doomsday kit doesn’t include rosé.

Catch up on Portlandia’s final episodes on demand and at IFC.com

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

Uncle-Buck

Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…