The musical equivalent of a terrible improv comedy show, lousy rappers act as the nails on the chalkboard of artistic expression. Instead of dope rhymes, we get a waste of time, listening to wannabes vomit verbal slime. (See how easy it is?!) Some of the best so-bad-they’re good rhymes come courtesy of fake rappers from the ’90s, that decade when everyone thought all you needed to do to be a hip hop MC was grab a mic and talk over a beat. In honor of Marc’s new rapping roommate Trey (Chet Hanks) on Maron, check out some fictional rappers who should’ve dropped the mic before they opened their mouths.
10. Brad ‘B-Rad’ Gluckman, Malibu’s Most Wanted
Jamie Kennedy played the world’s whitest rapper in this flop comedy that tried to spoof Eight Mile, and ended up spoofing itself.
9. The Leprechaun, Leprechaun: In The Hood
You know with a title like Leprechaun: In The Hood, it was only a matter of time before the minuscule monster took to the mic and laid down some awful rhymes. And boy did he not disappoint.
8. Barney The Master Rapper, Fruity Pebbles commercial
You know your new sound has gone mainstream when Saturday morning cartoon characters start aping it to sell breakfast cereal.
7. Kazaam the Rapping Genie
This clip tries to answer the age-old question: who would you rather listen to rap, a ten-year-old white kid or a NBA player pretending to be a genie? The answer, unsurprisingly, is neither.
6. Sgt. Friday and Det. Streebek, “City of Crime” from Dragnet
Before Chet Hanks laid down some rhymes on Maron, his pop Tom made a hip hop video with Dan Aykroyd for their 1987 Dragnet remake. Too bad “City of Crime” was Tom Hanks’ one and only rap video. Check out those dance moves.
5. David Silver, Beverly Hills 90210
Brian Austin Green had a short-lived hip hop career in the ’90s, thanks in no small part to the rhymes he laid down as David Silver on Beverly Hills, 90210. Really though, is David’s flow any worse than ’90s Canadian rapper Snow?
4. Grandmaster B, Married With Children
Grandmaster B apparently came out of Bud Bundy actor David Faustino rapping around the set, and the Married With Children writers finding it hysterical, much to the young MC’s surprise.
3. Bart Simpson, “Do the Bartman”
A relic from the days when Simpsons-mania first swept the nation, Bart’s single “Do the Bartman” topped the charts for a brief period in 1990. Listen carefully and you’ll hear Bart super fan Michael Jackson singing back-up vocals.
2. Mc Skat Kat
First coming to fame in the Paula Abdul “Opposites Attract” video, animated hip hop feline MC Skat Kat somehow scored his own album, The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob, in 1991. Paula Abdul appeared in the video for the “Skat Strut,” a low point in her career, which is saying a lot.
1. MC Steve Urkel, Family Matters
Everything about this clip screams 1990s. First you’ve got Urkel, the uber nerd who turned Family Matters from a family sitcom into a show about robots and love potions through sheer force of will. Then there’s the awful rapping, and the very special message, in this case against gun violence. And, just for good measure, there’s a Freddie Prinze Jr. cameo, just to bring it home. Ah, the ’90s, you sideburn wearing, hippity hop-aping decade. We miss you.