Kazaam

Drop the Mic

The 10 Worst Fictional Rappers

Find out how Marc deals with his rapping roommate on a brand new Maron this Wednesday at 9P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

The musical equivalent of a terrible improv comedy show, lousy rappers act as the nails on the chalkboard of artistic expression. Instead of dope rhymes, we get a waste of time, listening to wannabes vomit verbal slime. (See how easy it is?!) Some of the best so-bad-they’re good rhymes come courtesy of fake rappers from the ’90s, that decade when everyone thought all you needed to do to be a hip hop MC was grab a mic and talk over a beat. In honor of Marc’s new rapping roommate Trey (Chet Hanks) on Maron, check out some fictional rappers who should’ve dropped the mic before they opened their mouths.

10. Brad ‘B-Rad’ Gluckman, Malibu’s Most Wanted

Jamie Kennedy played the world’s whitest rapper in this flop comedy that tried to spoof Eight Mile, and ended up spoofing itself.


9. The Leprechaun, Leprechaun: In The Hood

You know with a title like Leprechaun: In The Hood, it was only a matter of time before the minuscule monster took to the mic and laid down some awful rhymes. And boy did he not disappoint.


8. Barney The Master Rapper, Fruity Pebbles commercial

You know your new sound has gone mainstream when Saturday morning cartoon characters start aping it to sell breakfast cereal.


7. Kazaam the Rapping Genie

This clip tries to answer the age-old question: who would you rather listen to rap, a ten-year-old white kid or a NBA player pretending to be a genie? The answer, unsurprisingly, is neither.


6. Sgt. Friday and Det. Streebek, “City of Crime” from Dragnet

Before Chet Hanks laid down some rhymes on Maron, his pop Tom made a hip hop video with Dan Aykroyd for their 1987 Dragnet remake. Too bad “City of Crime” was Tom Hanks’ one and only rap video. Check out those dance moves.


5. David Silver, Beverly Hills 90210

Brian Austin Green had a short-lived hip hop career in the ’90s, thanks in no small part to the rhymes he laid down as David Silver on Beverly Hills, 90210. Really though, is David’s flow any worse than ’90s Canadian rapper Snow?


4. Grandmaster B, Married With Children

Grandmaster B apparently came out of Bud Bundy actor David Faustino rapping around the set, and the Married With Children writers finding it hysterical, much to the young MC’s surprise.


3. Bart Simpson, “Do the Bartman”

A relic from the days when Simpsons-mania first swept the nation, Bart’s single “Do the Bartman” topped the charts for a brief period in 1990. Listen carefully and you’ll hear Bart super fan Michael Jackson singing back-up vocals.


2. Mc Skat Kat

First coming to fame in the Paula Abdul “Opposites Attract” video, animated hip hop feline MC Skat Kat somehow scored his own album, The Adventures of MC Skat Kat and the Stray Mob, in 1991. Paula Abdul appeared in the video for the “Skat Strut,” a low point in her career, which is saying a lot.


1. MC Steve Urkel, Family Matters

Everything about this clip screams 1990s. First you’ve got Urkel, the uber nerd who turned Family Matters from a family sitcom into a show about robots and love potions through sheer force of will. Then there’s the awful rapping, and the very special message, in this case against gun violence. And, just for good measure, there’s a Freddie Prinze Jr. cameo, just to bring it home. Ah, the ’90s, you sideburn wearing, hippity hop-aping decade. We miss you.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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