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Good Job

5 Jobs You Probably Didn’t Know Bill Hader Once Had

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Bill Hader is quickly becoming one of the biggest names in comedy, thanks to post-SNL star turns in Trainwreck, and IFC’s Documentary Now! But there was a time, before Stefon made him a household name, when he was a just another kid finding his way in life. Unlike some of his peers, it took him years to discover his talent for comedy. In the meantime, he worked a long slog of bizarre jobs that had him crossing paths with everyone from a washed up Frog Brother to a perverted Terminator. Thankfully, he isn’t shy about sharing those stories. Before you catch this week’s brand new episode of Documentary Now!, check out a few of the strange jobs Bill took on his way to stardom.


1. Movie Theater Usher Who Spoiled the Ending of Titanic

Titanic - Frozen Jack

Hader worked as an usher at a theater while attending Scottsdale Community College in Arizona. As he revealed in a recent interview, he would often get fed up with the obnoxious moviegoers. One time, a group of sorority girls were blocking the exit and being really rude, so he tore up their tickets and told them, “The boat sinks, Leo dies, the old lady — that’s Kate Winslet — she has a jewel and she throws in the water at the end, so that’s where that goes!'” Hader said his stoner boss had no choice but to fire him for ruining the end of Titanic.


2. Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Assistant on Collateral Damage

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Hader served as the former Governator’s personal assistant in a Mexican jungle while shooting the action flop Collateral Damage. As he told author Mike Sacks in the book Poking a Dead Frog, he mostly remembers fighting to get Schwarzenegger to set on time. At the time, Arnold was obsessed with learning chess, and preferred to stay in his trailer and play with an instructor for hours on end. Frustrated, Hader started slipping the chess teacher notes that said “Lose!” in order to get Arnie to set. It worked for a bit, until Arnold asked to read one of the slips of paper, and then just muttered, “we play another game.”


3. Crew Member on the First Season of The Surreal Life

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Hader worked in post-production on the depressing debut season of The Surreal Life, and still has regrets about it. During the wrap party for the show, a nervous Corey Feldman offered him $2,000 to bring a cut of the show to his house before it was turned in to the network, so he and his lawyers could review it. Tipsy, Hader responded, “Corey, you don’t have $2,000.” Everyone laughed, but Hader quickly realized what a jerk he’d been.


4. Chauffeur for the “Sweep the Leg” Guy from The Karate Kid

KarateKid

Hader told Marc Maron on his WTF podcast that one of the first jobs he had in LA was driving around Martin Kove, aka the leader of the Cobra Kai dojo in The Karate Kid, while he was filming some lousy B-movieApparently, Kove got Hader lost on purpose so he could actually read the script before getting to set. Hader got in hot water with his boss for showing up late with the “star,” and so on the way home, Kove tried to make it up to Bill by offering to buy him a McDonald’s milkshake and cookie. So Hader stopped at a McDonald’s, but when Kove came out of the restaurant, he treated poor Bill like Daniel-san and ate the cookie and drank the milkshake right in front of him and told him to just drive. Hader described it as a “weird mind f*ck,” and his first “welcome to Hollywood” moment.


5. Coffee Guy for Porn Stars

Playboy

Hader worked for a time on a call-in sex show for the Playboy channel called Night Calls. Two porn star hosts would field calls from home viewers, who would share their fantasies that would be enacted by other porn stars. You know, good ol’ fashioned entertainment. Hader’s friend who got him the gig warned him that while the show sounded awesome, working there was a “total bummer.” Hader’s job was mainly bringing the porn stars coffee and magazines, and getting them ready to act out the fantasies. He quit after two or three shows, in an effort to avoid disappointing his parents.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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