Rules For Meeting Your Favorite Pornstar (or any celebrity for that matter)

Monday, May 19, 2008 | 8:36 AM

Most girls in the adult entertainment business will tell you they love meeting fans. I am no exception. I sign at every convention possible, attend as many parties as I can, and still actively feature dance at least once a month. It is not only our chance to thank the people that keep us in business, but it is also grassroots marketing at its best. Ninety-nine percent of my fans are absolutely wonderful and I truly enjoy spending time with them. Unfortunately, there are always one or two that in some way are seriously out of line. I know it comes with the territory, but why do these idiots have to ruin it for everyone else? I can't figure out if they are truly assholes or just plain socially inept. In the ten years that I have been involved in the adult business I have encountered more than my fair share of these guys. Through the years, I have developed my own list of proper fan etiquette. Some of the following apply to strip clubs, some apply to conventions or bookstore signings, and some apply to the rare chance you spot your favorite pornstar in the supermarket. Please read and obey....

The first thing I would like to address is personal hygiene. We go out of way to look beautiful for you. The least you could do is take a shower. Deodorant, cologne, and breath mints are a must! I understand that meeting your favorite girl could make you sweat, but if your pits are stinky please don't put your arm around us. I also know that a trip to AVN can be quite costly and you may be tempted to sleep in your car. Bad idea! Why don't you save up for another year, so you can do it in style...with a bathtub?

Rule number two and one of my personal pet peeves: Don't show us your cock (or photos of it)! I guarantee I've seen much bigger and if I want to see it, I will ask. Personal space seems to be another issue. I am very friendly and will happily put my tits in your face while I'm dancing on stage, but some patrons will take advantage. No licking, biting, or intrusive sniffing...what is with that whole blowing on our crotch thing anyway? Never touch any part of our body without our expressed permission. And walking up and saying "Can I touch your pussy?" before even a simple hello ain't gonna cut it either.

Number four is a huge annoyance for every girl I know. Don't ask us to get you into porn. We cannot help you. Go online and submit your photos yourself. We will not vouch for some guy in a bar...and no, we won't audition you.

Rule number five is convention etiquette. I know the lines at AVN can be excruciatingly long, but don't cut. The others will turn on you...I have actually seen it happen. When you do get your chance for a picture, don't try to conduct your own private photo shoot! One picture per guy is more than fair. Also, don't be one of the scumbags that sells our photos on ebay. We HATE you!!! Also, don't be the asshole that photographs us while were eating. How would you like it?

Number six has to do with inappropriate conversation. Being pornstars were pretty difficult to offend. I am more than happy to answer almost any question you may have about me, my movies, the business, or sexuality in general. I might prefer you didn't quiz me about anal sex in the produce section (true story!) but I guess it's to be expected. Do NOT tell me how you cleaned out the entire kleenex section in my honor, what you'd like to do with my unconscious body, or how many times that day you've jerked off. And if you absolutely cannot contain your masturbation tales, don't try to shake our hands afterward. Also, don't go on and on about your sexual prowess. We work with trained professionals. If you were so great, you'd be one of them! I know what's coming next: please refer back to number four.

Number seven is what most people would consider normal privacy. Some just don't get it, however. Don't ask us what our real names are. We won't tell you. We will just make up another name. And just because you are my friend on Myspace or we've chatted online, you are NOT entitled to my phone number. Asking for strange souvenirs like pubic hair, urine, or tampons really freaks us out. I actually had a guy steal one of my dirty socks! And finally... if you show up on my front lawn, I will not hesitate to shoot you.

Stage rules come in at number eight. I know that I spend alot of time, energy, and money coming up with good shows to entertain my fans. So the second I come out on stage, don't go "Yeah, Yeah...just fucking take it off. " I spent two thousand dollars on that costume and you're gonna sit there and watch me twirl around it in for three minutes. You know its going to come off (hence, the name strip club) so why don't you just let me enjoy my pretty little outfit for a song or two? Also, don't be cheap. Don't tip one measly dollar and then go "that's all I get?" What do you want? Fucking Cirque de Solei? Stealing money off the stage in an attempt to re-tip will result in a stiletto to the face. Messing with a stripper's cash is more dangerous than sticking your hand in a lion's cage. Once it hits the stage, it's ours!

Number nine involves the whole merchandising gimmick that takes place at a store signing or after a feature dance show. There is a strict no refund/exchange policy. No! You cannot buy a dvd, take it home, jerk off to it, and bring it back the next night for a different one. Are you high? Also, don't haggle us about prices. Do you see a blue light? This isn't fucking Kmart! I encourage guys to bring in dvds and magazines from home. I have no problem autographing these items. I'll even do it at no cost. But try not to get carried away. I once had a guy ask me to sign a huge stack of pictures, movies, magazines, and every trading card I have. It took me over an hour and he didn't even offer a tip. Fuck a tip! He didn't even say Thank you! Also, don't ask me to sign random things you find lying around or you have in your pocket. Examples include (but not limited to): matchbooks, napkins, the flyers you stole off the wall in the men's room, or your beer bottle.

And last but not least...a list of things you should NEVER say to us...
1. You're prettier/thinner in your pictures.
2. What do your parents think of your job?
3. How are you gonna explain this to your unborn children?
4. Do you believe in Jesus?
5. How much?

All of the above makes us very un-horny, which is not going to help your cause. And telling us how you'd leave your wife and children to be with us just makes you look like a pathetic, desperate jerk.

Now you may think some of this sounds a bit harsh, but you'd be amazed by the stories some of us can tell. You would think a lot of this would be common sense, but I promise every one of the commandments listed above came from necessity. It would never occur to me that I would have to warn against actually biting if it hadn't already happened to me...more than once, I might add.

And once again, I would like to say the other ninety-nine percent of you are true gentlemen and it's an honor to perform for you. I enjoy meeting you, taking photos with you, and personalizing your collection. Without you, the fans, I would be nothing. The other one percent of you need to go straight to obedience school!!

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