Everyday, I get bombarded with spam...

Thursday, May 8, 2008 | 9:08 AM

Everyday, I get bombarded with spam. Just last week, in some kind of coordinated attack, I received well over 50 spam e-mails in a 12 minute period. And this morning, riding on the subway, my phone buzzed, signifying an e-mail, which turned out to be, of course, spam. But here's the thing: I get no service in the subway. Ever. And yet, somehow, the spam found me, like some demon dog from hell forever nipping at my IP number's all too visible heels.

My carrier, T-mobile, is clearly unable to come up with any spam filter that is even remotely effective, and so the crapola wave continues, alas, unabated. Since my mind is ridiculously overactive, I have subconsciously been studying the types and varieties of spam, and have come up with several conclusions:

* People, incredibly, click on the links provided in these bizarre, anonymous missives - it is the only logical explanation for their rapid (and seemingly unstoppable) proliferation
* The spam is clearly created by people (or computers) who do not speak English very well
* There is a shocking amount of erectile dysfunction, and/or dissatisfaction with male genitalia size
* There appears to be a surge of spam on weekend nights, when people would most likely be drunk and/or totally inebriated

Take, for example, the following e-mail I received moments ago as I was typing this post:

'From:Jorge Geoff

To:zgalligan@blahblah.com

Hi, A M B I E N \ E NC \ A L i S S O M &V A L \ U M L E V \ T R AP R O Z & CV \ A G R A X & N A XM E R \ D i A '

This is followed by a link to something called Malorugaser.com, which is probably the internet equivalent of the Ninth Circle of Hell, a website of pestilential virii and unfathomable evil. Then, like some kind of surreal, Dadaist coda, appended to the end of the message was the following gibberish:

'to bear. With my friends behind them and winter upon them, they will perhaps be in softer mood to parley with. That night Bilbo made up his mind. The sky was black and moonless. As soon as it was full dark, he went to a corner of an inner chamber just within the gate and drew from his bundle a rope, and also the Arkenstone wrapped in a rag. Then he climbed to the top of the wall. Only Bombur'

Yep, it's a snippet from The Hobbit. Why is it attached to an ad for pharmaceuticals? No freakin' idea... why do I get e-mails from people named Garza Stephens, Olena Carruthers, Minnie Felix and Juan Call? Why do I receive endless offers for Rolexes, tips on penny stocks, or discounts on some fat- fighting drug featured on Oprah called Hoodia? Why won't these people just leave me alone?

Because, as P.T.Barnum once opined, 'There's a sucker born every minute.' And so they spam on, ads against the current, borne back ceaselessly into my trash.

By Zach Galligan in Zach Galligan | Link | 0 Comments | Recommended (0)

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