Dear Gavin Newsom,

Ever since I was a young girl I only loved three men. Macaulay Culkin and you, Gavin Newsom. When Macaulay died tragically in MY GIRL, that left only you. I love you. I really totally love you.

Always and forever yours,

Mary

Dear Gavin Newsom,

I'm sexy and stuff... So I don't understand why you're not dating me. I mean, I know you're engaged, but I think it's just a front, you know, so you can bone me. Because I know you want me, deep down -- even though you don't know it yet. Kind of like if you never had raspberries before, because everybody likes raspberries!
I want to suck on your raspberry.

Juicy juicy forevermore,

Mary

Dear Gavin Newsom,

I wanted to tell you that I would have your babies. We wouldn't even have to have sex or anything. It could be like an immaculate conception. Just wanted you to think about it.

Your totally willing sex monster,

Mary