“Zed is Dead”: A Chat with Bobcat Goldthwait

The comedian/filmmaker on putting away "Police Academy" and directing "World's Greatest Dad."

Speaking of suicide, I remember Magnolia Pictures originally asking me months ago not to write about Kyle’s death in “World’s Greatest Dad,” except it’s the catalyst of Lance’s story. How do you talk about the movie without mentioning that? It clearly doesn’t spoil the experience.

I try not to know anything about a movie I go into. I don’t like robbing people of that, but with that said, it’s hard to discuss the movie. I agree, it’s been really hard to promote it. “What’s the movie about?” At least now, there are clips, so when I go on a TV or radio show, we can talk about that, but it’s like: “Hey, Robin Williams, ‘World’s Greatest Dad.’ ” They think it’s going to be a movie where a giant dog leaves muddy prints through the house, or something, all over his blueprints he’s designed. [laughs]

You’ve threatened to make a short film in which you go back in time and talk your younger self out of doing the “Police Academy” movies. What would you suggest the young Bobcat do instead?

If I were hypothetically honest, answering that? I would tell myself to direct. And not to eat sushi in Minnesota. I got really bad food poisoning onstage in Minnesota.

Would you have been ready then, or did you need the life experiences you’ve had?

Everything I’ve gone through has really helped me. I learned more from bad directors than I did from good directors. I did two things with Richard Donner — I’d file him under a great director — and he taught me about keeping an environment where the actors didn’t feel threatened [so they could] try new stuff. His other big pointer… He takes me to his trailer, and goes: “You wanna direct? I’m going to teach you something. Take a lot of naps.” He hands me a pillow, and we seriously take a nap. I slept with Richard Donner, is what I’m saying. [laughs] Yeah, we napped together.

What about now? Have you learned anything after making a few films?

I know that I really love it and I don’t see myself stopping. And I truly believe that I’ll never do a studio picture. If I have to do stand-up to make money, I will. People might say that’s bullshit, but you what? I’ve done stand-up for 20-something years, and I’ve never sold t-shirts afterward. For a joke, because we were filming the [recent tour], we went out and sold t-shirts. I sold every goddamn one of them, and I’m signing these t-shirts and I’m looking at the camera, going: “I’m never fucking doing this again. This is horrible!” [laughs] I made all this extra money, but I was miserable.

How do you feel about those public “Hey! You’re that guy!” moments with strangers?

People do that thing that’s on “The Chris Farley Show,” where they ask, “Do you remember that movie you were in with Bill Murray, and it was Christmas?” And I go: “‘Scrooged?” “Yeah, ‘Scrooged,’ do you remember that?” It’s like, I’m not Gary Busey. I haven’t had a head injury. I remember because it took three months to make that movie. I get that a lot, which is weird. And I will say that if people ask me to do the voice, it’s really irritating. They go, “You won’t do it?” I’m like, “Well, for mentally challenged people and children, yes. Drunk whores in a bar, no.”

Three years ago, I interviewed you for “Sleeping Dogs Lie.” I was getting married two days later, and asked you for marriage advice. You told me to lie to my spouse. Now that we’ve both since been in long-term relationships, do you have any further advice to keep it going?

Wow, see? Lying does work. I’m trying to think now, as you said that, what lies I’ve told [my partner] Sarah. I never told her any meaty ones. Always the right kind — kind lies.

Why, to protect her?

No, I don’t have to worry about that. Sarah doesn’t put up with much. She’s been known to break a nose or two, and I’m not even kidding. [laughs] I can’t say who, it’s an off-the-record story. So, what am I going to tell you for the next three years? This is heavy shit. For me, the key to being happy in a relationship is not saying the first thing that pops into my head. Take a beat, then figure it out. Lots of times, there will be a big calamity in our life, and I just take a minute or two. It usually gets fixed right away, or it’s not as big as it looks.

How is Robin Williams doing, as he recovers from his valve replacement?

A couple days after the surgery, I talked to him, and he says, “They put a bovine valve in my heart. I really wanted that chimp that bit that woman’s face off. I wanted that valve.” When he said that, I was like, “He’s going to make it.” A month ago, we were sitting up in his home in Napa, Eric Idle, Robin and I, and we’re all sitting and looking at a bird: “Wow, look at that bird!” This is like “Old Guys Gone Mild.” I don’t know if it’s Robin’s medication or the near-death experience, but he’s super-sensitive. Everything brings him to tears, and I was like, “I don’t think you got a cow valve, I think they put a vagina in there.” [laughs]

“World’s Greatest Dad” is currently available on VOD and opens in limited release on August 21st.

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