How To Save The Music Industry, Steps 1-11

It's no secret that the music industry is in big trouble. With CD sales tanking, record labels downsizing, and less and less high profile rock stars to fill arena seats, it's becoming more difficult to achieve music's version of the American Dream. (left: William Schintziss, the man who can save music!) Fortunately for us, there are visionaries like William Schintziss (brother of famed record label mogul, Robert Schintziss). While attending one of his seminars this past weekend at the Expo Mart, Schintziss laid out his first 11 steps to help save the music industry. Apparently the next 310 steps will follow in subsequent seminars, self-help events, and a 500-page leather bound coffee table book....

It’s no secret that the music industry is in big trouble. With CD sales tanking, record labels downsizing, and less and less high profile rock stars to fill arena seats, it’s becoming more difficult to achieve music’s version of the American Dream.

(left: William Schintziss, the man who can save music!)

Fortunately for us, there are visionaries like William Schintziss (brother of famed record label mogul, Robert Schintziss). While attending one of his seminars this past weekend at the Expo Mart, Schintziss laid out his first 11 steps to help save the music industry. Apparently the next 310 steps will follow in subsequent seminars, self-help events, and a 500-page leather bound coffee table book.

STEPS 1-11:

1.) No more forced photos of bands trying to act all serious. Bands can only take solemn press pictures if A.) they’re being ironic, or B.) legitimately acting serious.

2.) Bands are only allowed to play two festivals dates in a given country per year. That, or festivals with similar line-ups have to come up with a standardized name.

3.) The video game Rock Band will feature real instruments, so gamers can actually learn how to play instruments instead of finger-tapping a bunch of rainbow-colored buttons.

4.) To encourage bands to make complete works of art (i.e., albums) and consumers to buy them, iTunes will sell full-length recordings for $5 a piece.

5.) Solo hip-hop artists can have no more than three guest appearances per album. More than three will result in the album being called a compilation.

6.) Skits can no longer be used on hip-hop albums unless they’re actually funny.

7.) All radio edits of songs must either have alternate lyrics or the curse words bleeped. A simple muting of each expletive will no longer be permitted, which will hopefully encourage “artists” to be more creative with their lyrics.

8.) Holier-than-thou indie bands can no longer have their songs featured in a video game unless the band members actually play the video game.

9.) At concerts, fans will be encouraged to wear shirts of the band they’re seeing–be that guy! Don’t let Jeremy Piven’s snarky character in PCU dictate otherwise.

10.) Speaking of apparel, fans will not be permitted to wear the shirt of a particular artist unless they can actually name a band member and/or song from that group. Consequently, there will be a surplus of Ramones t-shirts.

11.) Only while attending a Black Sabbath, Judas Priest, or Iron Maiden concert (or if willing to bite the head off of a living bat) is one allowed to form devil horns with their hands. Perpetrators will have their pinky and index fingers amputated. A tweenager will then think twice about throwing up the horns at a Jonas Brothers concert.