"Don't worry, honey, it's all fake."

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By Alison Willmore on 10/31/2006

"I have no control over this, this evil thing inside of me, the fire, the voices, the torment!" On the parent network tonight, it's a Janus Films Halloween: "HÃ¤xan," "M" and "Knife in the Water."

More Halloween goodness: At Sergio Leone and the Infield Fly Rule, Dennis Cozzalio rounds up his "not-at-all-scientifically compiled line-up of 13 Underrated, Ignored or Forgotten Horror Movies, in alphabetical order."

The folks at Not Coming to a Theater Near You just closed out the third year of their awe-inspiringly ambitious 31 Days of Horror feature with "Neverending Nightmares: A Retrospective of Friday the 13th and A Nightmare on Elm Street."

Empire magazine presents their 25 Biggest Movie Scares.

Entertainment Weekly has photos reminders of the "pre-fame victims of Jason, Freddy, Michael Myers, Leatherface, the Leprechaun, and killer tomatoes."

As for us, we now feel compelled to put together a list of some sort after all. So here we go, our top five surefire joy-killing answers to the question "What's the scariest film of all time?"

1. "Apocalypse Now"
Truly the most viscerally frightening vision of the humanity-destroying horror of warfare to be presented in film history.

2. "An Inconvenient Truth"
You can't tell us you didn't walk out of the theater trembling with environmental concerns.

3. "Goodfellas"
There's no better or more sobering parable of the greed and inexhaustible selfishness that are the dark undercurrents of the American dream.

4. "Requiem for a Dream"
Another somber and heartbreaking allegory about the death of the American dream. And don't forget, someone does lose an arm.

5. "Brazil"
Not only a relentlessly bleak and hopeless vision of a politically oppressive, socially despairing dystopian future, but an increasingly relevant one.

Goddamn, we entertain ourselves so much. Happy Halloween, all.

+ THE UNUSUAL SUSPECTS: 13 UNDERRATED, IGNORED OR FORGOTTEN HORROR MOVIES (SLATIFR)
+ 31 Days of Horror (Not Coming to a Theater Near You)
+ The 25 Biggest Movie Scares (Empire)
+ Oh, the Horror! (Entertainment Weekly)