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Good Golly Ms. Molly

Ranking the Guys From Molly Ringwald’s John Hughes Movies

Catch Molly Ringwald in The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles during IFC's '80s Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Universal Studios

John Hughes isn’t the only one who loved Molly Ringwald throughout the 1980s. Thanks to his trio of Brat Pack movies starring the teen icon, we all did. And since her character’s biggest problem is often who is going to take her to the next school dance, we’ve decided to take a look at her many memorable suitors and rank them from lamest to dreamiest. (For more Molly, catch The Breakfast Club and Sixteen Candles during IFC’s ’80s Weekend.)

10. Long Duk Dong (Gedde Watanabe), Sixteen Candles

Long Duk Dong
Universal Studios

In addition to annoying Sam (Ringwald), foreign exchange student “The Donger” manages to score a date at the school dance before her. Plus, he’s got the whole dated cultural stereotype thing going against him.


9. Bryce (John Cusack), Sixteen Candles

John Cusack Sixteen Candles
Universal Studios

As one of the geeks who pines for Sam, Bryce may have some nifty gadgets but he’s barely a blip on her radar. Give it a few years, Cusack. You’ll get the girl eventually.


8. Andrew Clark (Emilio Estevez), The Breakfast Club

Universal Studios
Universal Studios

You may have missed it but at the start of their day-long detention at Shermer High School, Andrew casually invites Claire (Ringwald) to a party that very night. She brushes him off. Which leaves him with Ally Sheedy’s “basketcase” Allison styled by Claire as an in-crowd lookalike. Which probably means Andrew still wants Claire.


7. Brian Johnson (Anthony Michael Hall), The Breakfast Club

Universal Studios
Universal Studios

Brian’s the only one on the list who doesn’t openly pursue Molly, but we can totally see him pining after Claire from his desk. In fact, Brian puts his hat on his lap at one point to hide his erection then boasts of having sex with her. Right, like maybe in your mind, Brian.


6. Steff (James Spader), Pretty in Pink

pretty-spader
Paramount Pictures

Spoiled rich kid Steff has been hitting on Andie (Ringwald) in the school parking lot for years yet she won’t give him the time of day. His revenge? He trashes her to his best friend then makes her feel like a hoser at his house party. Seriously, she should ask him to the prom and then leave him hanging. This guy needs a takedown.


5. “Farmer Ted” (Anthony Michael Hall), Sixteen Candles

16-candes-2
Universal Studios

Ted’s all false bravado and his constant fawning over Ringwald’s Sam is kind of cute until he crosses the line and starts charging admission so his fellow geeks can gawk at her polka-dotted underwear. His blackout sex with a senior doesn’t bode well either. He’s young, so maybe he’ll grow out of it.


4. Jake Ryan (Michael Schoeffling), Sixteen Candles

Universal Studios
Universal Studios

Yes, dreamy Jake gets Sam a belated birthday cake and saves her from attending her sister’s wedding reception which is bound to be a bummer. But he also pawns off his drunken ex on a freshman after remarking that she’s passed out upstairs and could be done any which way. Plus he cruises Sam before he’s even single. Jake? More like jerk.


3. John Bender (Judd Nelson), The Breakfast Club

Universal Studios
Universal Studios

Bender’s so deep, he bares his soul and the cigar burn he got from his pop. He’s also the first guy to see Claire’s panties up close while she’s wearing them. By the end of the movie, he’s got her diamond earring in his palm and she’s got him in the palm of her hand.


2. Duckie (Jon Cryer), Pretty in Pink

Paramount Pictures
Paramount Pictures

Who defends Andie’s honor when Steff and the other rich kids put her down? Who’s there to escort her into the prom when Blane stands her up? Who exhibits somewhat stalker behavior by bicycling by her house every day? It’s Duckie! “Do I offend??” Yes, but we still love ya, Duck.


1. Blane (Andrew McCarthy), Pretty in Pink

Paramount Pictures
Paramount Pictures

He stood her up at her last prom but we just know he’d never do that again. I mean, he LOVES her. And frankly, she loves him. Plus, she tricked him into buying a Steve Lawrence album, for God’s sake. They both jerked each other around. Get over those abandonment issues with your mom, Andie. This one’s a keeper.

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SAG Life

Rappers Act Up

Watch the Yo! IFC Acts Movie Marathon Memorial Day Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection and the '90s)

Memorial Day weekend: how to celebrate? Nothing quite says “screw spring—let’s do summer” like blockbuster movies starring rappers who ditched lucrative music careers in order to become actors. It happened a lot, remember? Especially in and around the ’90s. Will Smith, Eminem, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Marky Mark Wahlberg, Ludacris…icons with the hubris to try the silver screen instead and have it totally work out.

But what if more rappers had made the leap? That’s a rhetorical question—movies (and life) would’ve been better, obviously. To prove it, here are some movies that totally would’ve been more memorable with rappers.

The Godfather

Starring Biggie, not Brando.
Godfather-BIG

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Only Coolio could improve upon Gene Wilder’s performance.
Coolio-Wonka

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Billy Elliot, with a dose of Missy Elliott.
Missy-Billy-Elliott

Robin Hood: Price of Thieves

Low hanging fruit, Hollywood.
Robin-Hood-and-Lil-Jon

And of course…

Kanye-of-The-Lambs

See NONE of those movies and a whole bunch of real ones this Memorial Day weekend on IFC’s rapper-filled movie marathon.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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GIFs by Giphy

“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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GIFs via Giphy

The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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