Bad News Bears

Hall of Shame

The Best Bad Coaches From Sports Movie

Catch the Bad News Bears movies this month on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

By Nick Stevens

American movie history is loaded with examples of great coaches — those fearless and inspirational leaders who, through fierce dedication, unconventional means and controversial methodologies, were able to help our heroes achieve their goals, or at least learn an invaluable lesson…while probably exorcising some personal demons of their own. These are not those men.

Behold a collection of the worst coaches in movie history, the Hollywood Coaching Hall of Shame, if you will. These men were never meant to be the leaders of other men, or in some case children or animals. Some would emerge victorious, though it was often in spite of themselves. Their arrogance or idiocy was sometimes their undoing, and a lack of coaching fundamentals, basic manners and hygiene made them irresistibly lovable to one and all.

1. Morris Buttermaker, The Bad News Bears

Swearing, drinking, yelling, screaming, berating those younger and older than him…all staples of the Morris Buttermaker repertoire. Then again, if you were a broken down alcoholic former ballplayer who cleaned pools for a living who, out of desperation took a job coaching a collection of the worst little league players ever, chances are swearing and drinking and yelling would be part of your repertoire, too.

Buttermaker, as portrayed by the great Walter Matthau, is the gold standard for great bad coaches. He was unfit for any of the responsibilities he undertook, which made him the perfect “role model” for his ragtag band of misfits whose team name ultimately would become a synonym for any error-prone squad. Buttermaker’s players swear, hurl racial insults, assault opponents and display the kind of behavior that would have Child Care Services called immediately. (It was the ’70s; times were different!) And if it wasn’t for a girl and a teen with a dirtbike his team may never have won. But somehow things worked out in this tale of hope, redemption and nine-year-olds who freely use the N word. Hey, it was the ’70s! (Click here to see all airings of The Bad News Bears movies on IFC.)


2. Artie DeVanzo, Beer League

Artie Lange Beer League
Echo Bridge Entertainment

As they said in Animal House, “Fat, drunk and stupid is no way to go through life, son”…unless of course it works for you, in which case you do you. And that’s exactly what Artie Lange, as player/manager Artie DeVanzo does in Artie Lange’s Beer League, a movie so drawn from Lange’s real life persona that the title bears his name. Were it not for the presence of Ralph Macchio one might even think this movie to be a documentary. Alas, it’s just a good-old fashioned frathouse romp, full of foul language, raunch and all the other things movies used to be rated-R for.

Lange’s DeVanzo is an absolute disaster of a human. He’s much better at shirking responsibilities, spewing insults and nursing hangovers than he is at in-gamesmanship, which should come as no surprise. But then again this is beer league softball, and Artie is just trying to help his team avoid the softball league equivalent of relegation. And his efforts prove that sometimes being terrible is a good thing…mostly for our viewing pleasure.


3. Roy Munson, Kingpin

Kingpin takes the “prodigy who fell from grace, and onto hard times, only to try and redeem himself” storyline and gooses it hilariously by adding an outrageous prodigy turned maimed mentor in the form of one-handed human dumpster fire Roy Munson (Woody Harrelson). Roy finds a potential new prodigy he can teach and seek redemption through in the former of Amish man Ishmael (Randy Quaid), and a beauty on the run (Vanessa Angel). All set in the world of professional bowling. You know, that old tale!

Roy’s fall from grace is so bad his last name becomes a verb for missing an opportunity. And whether it’s drinking his breakfast, having sex with his elderly landlord to pay the rent, or taking his Amish protege on a cross-country rumspringa, Roy is his own worst enemy, and has no business teaching anyone anything. Which is exactly why we root for him, even against his betraying mentor, “Big” Ern McCracken (Bill Murray), and that sweet encased rose bowling ball.


4. Chester Lee, Ladybugs

When you heard the premise of “Rodney Dangerfield coaches a young girls soccer team” you knew he’d be as good a coach as he was sitting still while on Johnny Carson’s couch. At no point does this movie make any pretense that it’s to be about anything other than Rodney Dangerfield and his jokes. That’s what Rodney Dangerfield movies were; 90 minute set-ups for him to deliver jokes. This one just happened to involve a girls soccer team, a Some Like It Hot storyline with Coach Chester (Rodney) sneaking his girlfriend’s son on the team to help them win, and Jackée Harry at the prime of her powers of sassitude. It’s far from Rodney’s best, but it’s Rodney, and it features one of our favorite bad Rodney lines ever. (Watch it above.)


5. Jackie Moon, Semi-Pro

Jackie Moon’s problem wasn’t that he was a bad coach. Well, he was. It’s just that he was stretched too thin. He was trying to be everything to everyone. Jackie was guilty of being a dreamer. And a bad player. And a bad GM. And a bad PA announcer. And a bad singer who somehow was a one hit wonder. And played in a bad town. On a bad team. In a bad league like the ABA. OK, Jackie Moon was terrible at everything. But because of his universal terribleness, all brought to glorious vintage comic life by Will Ferrell, we’d let Jackie Moon “Love Me Sexy” anytime.


6. Coach Klein, The Waterboy

Also from the Department of Coaches In Over Their Head, Coach Klein was, like many of our best-worst coaches, in possession of a bright future. But he fell from greatness, or at least had it stolen from him, and when we meet him he’s a mess. He can’t coach. He can’t draw up plays. He can’t remember where he is. But we love him in his ineptitude because we know he was wronged, and because he’s being played by The Fonz, for chrissakes! Sure, he gets his second chance, which arrives in the form of a socially awkward Cajun baby-talking man-child named Bobby Boucher, who just wanted to be his waterboy. But in the end turns out to be the best player on his team, and Coach Klein’s ticket to redemption and reclamation of his former play-calling prowess. Isn’t this is how it always works out in football, right?


7. John Kreese, The Karate Kid

Karate Kid Sweep the Leg
Columbia Pictures

Wait…just wait a leg-sweeping minute here! Are we saying that one of the best, most vicious karate masters in the history of Hollywood was in fact one of the best worst coaches? Oh, you bet your body bag we are, Johnny! But how could Kreese, the ruthless sensei from Cobra Kai, who told us where pain and fear did not exist, be bad at his job? His dojo was tops in the state annually. His squad goals were simple: kick everyone’s ass, no matter how. And that’s fine. But Kreese belongs on this list because yes, he gave tremendous villain, but he was cocky. Overconfident to a fault, a gawky Jersey transplant teen learning karate from a drunken Japanese karate master could actually defeat his number one pupil. We’re not showing any mercy on Kreese. Mostly because he taught us that mercy is for the weak.


8. White Goodman, Dodgeball

Yet another narcissistic entrepreneurial bully with a Napoleon complex who had it all in the palm of his tiny muscular hands…and blew it. Goodman’s (Ben Stiller) GloboGym dodgeball team is far superior to that of Pete LaFeleur (Vince Vaughn) and his Average Joe’s squad. Why, on paper it’s a mismatch of epic proportions. But somehow White and his muscle-keteers lose to a mod squad that was coached by a wheelchair bound former dodgeball legend who goes by the name Patches (Rip Torn). Dodgeball is titled “A True Underdog Story,” because on an unusual and unlikely stage David slays, or in this case, tags Goliath yet again. But you wouldn’t get that, would you, White? It’s a metaphor.


9. Coach Fanelli, Air Bud: Golden Receiver

Look, maybe Coach Fanelli meant well. Maybe he’s a good guy. Maybe he’s a brilliant football mind who, like Coach Klein, had a future, but something traumatic happened to him. Something traumatic enough for him to think a dog playing wide receiver on his football team was a good idea. We may never know. All we do know is that a dog playing wide receiver improved his team greatly…and, yes, the lives of us all. Thanks, Air Bud!


10. Coach Chubb, Ed

Let’s call this “The Coach Fanelli Clause” — you allow a domesticated animal to play on your team, and said team improves? You’re a terrible coach. No matter the outcome. One of the best terrible coaches ever. Your judgment has failed you. You should not be coaching anything. You’re so hopeless that at one point you figure, “How much worse could things get if I let a jungle creature play the field?” That’s rock bottom, friends. No matter the odds overcome, or horrendous costume work or special effects, your team is not supposed to improve when a chimp plays on it. Fortunately for Coach Chubb (as played by the late great Jack Warden) his team, and star pitcher, did turn their fortunes around. May Ed have mercy on us all.

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Holiday Extra Special

Make The Holidays ’80s Again

Enjoy the holiday cheer Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Whatever happened to the kind of crazy-yet-cozy holiday specials that blanketed the early winter airwaves of the 1980s? Unceremoniously killed by infectious ’90s jadedness? Slow fade out at the hands of early-onset millennial ennui? Whatever the reason, nixing the tradition was a huge mistake.

A huge mistake that we’re about to fix.

Announcing IFC’s Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special, starring Tony Hale. It’s a celeb-studded extravaganza in the glorious tradition of yesteryear featuring Bridget Everett, Jo Firestone, Nick Thune, Jen Kirkman, house band The Dap-Kings, and many more. And it’s at Joe’s Pub, everyone’s favorite home away from home in the Big Apple.

The yuletide cheer explodes Wednesday December 21 at 10P. But if you were born after 1989 and have no idea what void this spectacular special is going to fill, sample from this vintage selection of holiday hits:

Andy Williams and The NBC Kids Search For Santa

The quintessential holiday special. Get snuggly and turn off your brain. You won’t need it.

A Muppet Family Christmas

The Fraggles. The Muppets. The Sesame Street gang. Fate. The Jim Henson multiverse merges in this warm and fuzzy Holiday gathering.

Julie Andrews: The Sound Of Christmas

To this day a foolproof antidote to holiday cynicism. It’s cheesy, but a good cheese. In this case an Alpine Gruyère.

Star Wars Holiday Special

Okay, busted. This one was released in 1978. Still totally ’80s though. And yes that’s Bea Arthur.

Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special

Pass the eggnog, and make sure it’s loaded. This special is everything you’d expect it to be and much, much more.

Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special premieres Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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It Ain't Over Yet

A Guide to Coping with the End of Comedy Bang! Bang!

Watch the final episodes tonight at 11 and 11:30P on IFC.

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After five seasons and 110 halved-hour episodes, Scott Aukerman’s hipster comedy opus, Comedy Bang! Bang!, has come to an end. Fridays at 11 and 11:30P will never be the same. We know it can be hard for fans to adjust after the series finale of their favorite TV show. That’s why we’ve prepared this step-by-step guide to managing your grief.

Step One: Cry it out

It’s just natural. We’re sad too.
Scott crying GIF

Step Two: Read the CB!B! IMDB Trivia Page

The show is over and it feels like you’ve lost a friend. But how well did you really know this friend? Head over to Comedy Bang! Bang!’s IMDB page to find out some things you may not have known…like that it’s “based on a Civil War battle of the same name” or that “Reggie Watts was actually born with the name Theodore Leopold The Third.”

Step Three: Listen to the podcast

One fascinating piece of CB!B! trivia that you might not learn from IMDB is that there’s a podcast that shares the same name as the TV show. It’s even hosted by Scott Aukerman! It’s not exactly like watching the TV show on a Friday night, but that’s only because each episode is released Monday morning. If you close your eyes, the podcast is just like watching the show with your eyes closed!

Step Four: Watch brand new CB!B! clips?!

The best way to cope with the end of Comedy Bang! Bang! is to completely ignore that it’s over — because it’s not. In an unprecedented move, IFC is opening up the bonus CB!B! content vault. There are four brand new, never-before-seen sketches featuring Scott Aukerman, Kid Cudi, and “Weird Al” Yankovic ready for you to view on the IFC App. There’s also one right here, below this paragraph! Watch all four b-b-bonus clips and feel better.

Binge the entire final season, plus exclusive sketches, right now on the IFC app.

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Everybody Sweats Now

The Four-Day Sweatsgiving Weekend On IFC

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This long holiday weekend is your time to gobble gobble gobble and give heartfelt thanks—thanks for the comfort and forgiveness of sweatpants. Because when it comes right down to it, there’s nothing more wholesome and American than stuffing yourself stupid and spending endless hours in front of the TV in your softest of softests.

So get the sweats, grab the remote and join IFC for four perfect days of entertainment.

sweatsgiving
It all starts with a 24-hour T-day marathon of Rocky Horror Picture Show, then continues Friday with an all-day binge of Stan Against Evil.

By Saturday, the couch will have molded to your shape. Which is good, because you’ll be nestled in for back-to-back Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.

Finally, come Sunday it’s time to put the sweat back in your sweatpants with The Shining, The Exorcist, The Chronicles of Riddick, Terminator 2, and Blade: Trinity. They totally count as cardio.

As if you need more convincing, here’s Martha Wash and the IFC&C Music Factory to hammer the point home.

The Sweatsgiving Weekend starts Thursday on IFC

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