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Hail to the Clark

10 Reasons Clark Griswold Would Make A Great President

Hit the holiday road with National Lampoon's Vacation during IFC's '80s Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Warner Bros./Everett Collection

It’s an important election year, with candidates deemed controversial and polarizing. Our country is at a crossroads, with global uncertainty and domestic difficulties aplenty. America needs a true leader. Someone with a strong moral compass and great values. Someone with the guts to make the difficult decisions yet sensitive enough to care for our citizens like they were members of his own family. Someone who knows that in our search for finding our way again maybe what we need most of all…is a quest for fun.

That’s right, none other than Clark W. Griswold would get our vote for President this year. The wild, wacky and well-traveled patriarch of the Griswold clan can make America great again. He’s got all the qualities we as a nation need desperately from our commander-in-chief. Don’t believe us? You can see for yourself in National Lampoon’s Vacation, airing during ’80s Weekend on IFC. In the meantime, we’ll give you a few reasons why we’re stumping for Griswold come November.

1. A Natural Leader

Clark Griswold Natural Leader
Warner Bros.

Look at any list of the signs that indicate natural leadership and you’ll feel like you’re reading the resume of Clark Griswold. People gravitate naturally to him. His children respect and admire him. (Most of the time.) His wife loves her man — her “Sparky,” if you will. And other women (particularly ones who look like Christie Brinkley) find him irresistible, too. Confident, likable, relatable and above all trustworthy, Griswold’s optimism towards life and his many adventures make him the perfect person to lead us on our next proverbial four year trek to the promised land/an amusement park. When things are at their darkest we need someone who can see the light and lead us to a brighter day.


2. Strong Family Values

Clark Griswold Natural Leader
Warner Bros.

Many critics believe that a return to core family values will help to right the ship for our country, that a strong home builds a strong America. Clark Griswold is a family man, plain and simple. Keeping his family unit tight with simple #squadgoals of spending quality bonding time together and having fun indicates he’s the kind of throwback dad with a sense of purpose…and adventure! No matter the circumstances, road blocks, dead pets, closed parks or jelly of the month club memberships, Clark is there for his family the way he’d be there for the American people. The kind of president everyone would want to have a good father/son chat with.


3. Financially Compassionate

Part of being President is understanding who needs financial aid, when to give it and how much to give…something Griswold has plenty of experience with. When his wife’s cousin Eddie needed a loan due to some uniquely unfortunate circumstances, who was the first to reach for his wallet? That’s right, the same man funding his family’s cross-country vacation after having just purchased a brand-new car. One would imagine no family member too big, or weird, would fail with Griswold in office.


4. A “Win at all costs” attitude

When the moose told Clark that Wally World was closed, did he just pack it up and turn around? When he took his family to Europe, did he let a little roundabout get in the way of seeing the sights? When everything goes wrong just before the holidays does Clark let the situation get the best of him, resulting in a profanity-laden outburst in front of his family? Well, maybe. But still Griswold makes the best of every situation possible. And he’s resourceful enough to turn a loss into a win. Or do what it takes to make the best situation for those closest to him.


5. He knows our land from sea to shining sea

Clark Griswold Natural Leader
Warner Bros.

Clark Griswold knows to lead effectively you need to know the land. He has that explorer’s spirit and understands the value of a road trip, “because getting there is half the fun.” Why fly to California from Chicago when you can take a great American road trip and see the country? A country with so much beauty, so much to offer. America is a land of opportunity, and the only way to know it is to travel down that great “Holiday Road” and see it for yourself. Sometimes you have to get lost to find your way again, right?


6. Negotiator Extraordinaire

Just because he looks the part of an average man doesn’t mean you can just pull a fast one on ol’ Clark Griswold. No sir, this guy won’t get bullied or hoodwinked — he knows the art of the deal and is a fair negotiator. He won’t get taken advantage of, and certainly isn’t the type to settle for less. With complicated foreign relations and increasing debt, a vote for Griswold is a vote for stability where it matters most. From rural America to the most challenging of urban environments, Clark has street smarts to spare.


7. Diplomacy Skills, Both Foreign and Domestic

Why build a wall when you can elect a president who’s an ace at mending fences? Clark Griswold is a uniter, not a divider. Because of his real life experience visiting famous European locales, he can relate to and deal with all kinds of people in our evolving, ever-changing world. He might not know that the snooty French waiter is insulting him, but he’ll still order from the menu with pride.


8. Experience Dealing with Refugees

Merry Christmas
Warner Bros.

When Clark’s hapless Aunt Edna is thrust upon him during his family’s cross-country trip does he refuse her a seat? Of course not. When Cousin Eddie and his family show up, unannounced, for a Christmas vacation with the Griswolds, Clark opens his family’s home and heart to them, no questions asked. Eddie even parks his RV in front of Clark’s home, obscuring his holiday decorations and emptying his “sh—er” on the front lawn for the neighbors to see. But no matter to Clark, who knows taking in those less fortunate, accepting your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to find a good sewer for their RV waste, is how America became so diverse.


9. He gives great quotes

Christmas Clark Griswold
Warner Bros.

Seriously, the man is a quote machine. Time and again he seems to have the right words for the right situation, giving the kinds of epic speeches that summarize any situation, no matter how outrageous or dire. The job of POTUS is extremely stressful, but voters can rest assured that Griswold will know what to say. You have to admit, under duress he does have a way with words.


10. He’s tech savvy

Clark just has a natural feel for machines. And as we become more attached to our devices we’ll need someone who’s gadget friendly and can continue to help our country evolve technologically. Plus, with a growing population there’ll be a greater strain on the energy supply. And while no one will confuse him with Elon Musk any time soon, someone like Clark Griswold who can work green with an eye toward reducing our energy consumption would be ideal.

Watch National Lampoon’s Vacation this weekend on IFC.

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Very NSFW

The Brockmire Premiere Is All Truth

Watch The First Episode of Brockmire Right Now for Free

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GIFS via Giphy

At long last, the Brockmire pre-premiere has arrived. Which means you can watch it right now—on IFC.com, at Funny Or Die, on IFC’s Apple TV and mobile apps, on Youtube, on Facebook, on the AMC apps, and right here. So grab some headphones and get watching.

No seriously, get headphones.

Because whether he’s giving a play-by-play or ruminating on the world around him, Jim Brockmire calls it like he sees it. And how he sees it is very NSFW. His take on life is actually quite refreshing, even to the point of being profoundly sage. For proof just look at these pearls of unconventional wisdom from the premiere…

Brockmire On The Internet

“If I need porn I just buy a nudie mag, like my father and his father before him.”

Brockmire On Sex-Ed

“Kids, a strap-on is a belt with d— on it that mommies use to f— daddies.”
Brockmire-Strap-On

Brockmire On The Perfect High

“Somewhere between 10 cups of coffee and very low-grade cocaine.”
Brockmire-Perfect-High

Brockmire On The Tardiness of Spring

“Old man winter’s reaching his hand inside your coat to give that thing one more squeeze.”

Brockmire On Keeping Perspective

“I thought I hit rock bottom in a handicap restroom in Bangkok where a Thai lady-boy snorted crank off my johnson while a sunburnt German watched us on the toilet”
Brockmire-grain-salt

Brockmire On Humanity

“If you want to look directly into the gaping maw of oblivion, don’t look up to the heavens. Just look in the mirror.”
Jules-never-seen

See these nuggets and more in the first episode of Brockmire, and see the whole season beginning April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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GIFs via Giphy

Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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