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King Conan

10 Reasons Why Conan the Barbarian Is What Is Best In Life

Catch Conan the Barbarian this month on IFC.

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Conan the Barbarian is the tale of an ultra-muscled warrior who went on to dominate a new homeland with a surprising amount of charisma, which basically makes it the most Schwarzenegger-iest movie ever made. With the original Conan the Barbarian airing this month on IFC, it’s time to list the reasons why the Cimmerian hero is what is best in life.

1. He punches everyone and every thing. Even Camels.

Camel Punch

An unbelievably muscular man gets laughs by knocking out an inhuman creature with lustrous sandy hair. No, it’s not Hulk knocking out Thor, it’s Conan cold-cocking a camel.


2. He prays for the downfall of his enemies.

Prayer to Crom

Only Conan could pray to a warrior god while outnumbered and surrounded by several entire armies and still end it with a threat. And it worked.


3. He knows that knives make your point better than words.

Enough Talk

Of all the barbarian abilities we wish we could deploy in the modern world, this is the greatest. Just think of all the time you could save with this sharp one-liner in your next boring team meeting.


4. He has a way with the ladies.

Grace Jones Conan

Whether it’s Sandahl Bergman’s Valeria or Grace Jones as Zula in Conan the Destroyer, Conan is catnip to the ladies. They’re always trying to grab him and take him.


5. He’s been known to go for a spin.

Conan Spinning

Conan hates wizards, and never more so when fighting the bizarre wrestling-monster of Thoth-Amon in the room of mirrors. This wizard seems to suplex more often than slinging fireballs, but that only makes it a better fight.


6. He cracks heads like walnuts.

Conan Heads

Of course Conan defeats enemies. That’s what he does. It’s how he does it that’s interesting, and this has to be the greatest multiple concussion we’ve ever seen.


7. He knows every argument can be settled with an axe.

Conan Axe

You probably shouldn’t ride a horse around Conan. It never ends well.


8. Nothing hurts him. Well, expect maybe pain.

Like Dalton from Road House, Conan knows that “pain don’t hurt.”


9. He knows how to party.

Valeria Conan

Drunk Conan is the best. You may lose your head at the end of the night, but you’ll have a blast.


10. And of course, he taught us all what is best in life.

Conan Drunk

The most famous mission statement of all time can be applied to anything, whether it’s taking down an evil snake cult or the guy who cut you in line at the frozen yogurt shop.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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