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Do the 'Do

A Definitive Ranking of the Hairstyles of Troy

Catch Brad Pitt in Troy this month on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Warner Brothers/courtesy Everett Collection

Troy is a product of its time, an old-school period action flick released back in 2004 in an era defined by Hobbits and Orcs. But while the Lord of the Rings movies would go on to win the box office and a boatload of Oscars, Troy would best it in one distinct way. For all of its flaws, when it came to hairdos, the people behind Troy brought it. Poofy. Wavy. Long. Luxurious. Each style more glorious than the last. Before you catch Troy on IFC this Friday, April 15th at 8P, we thought it was our duty to rank the defining quality of this movie, that split the difference between Tolkien and 300 and ended up as a hair salon ad with swords.

12. Diane Kruger as Helen

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh please, this ‘do is like Season 3 of Downtown Abbey — tasteful and boring. Troy, with its Cliff’s Notes plotting and Lord of the Rings-style battle scenes, makes its bones with action and a hair budget that would bankrupt most third world nations. This demure number isn’t going to cut it.


11. Peter O’Toole as Priam

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Peter O’Toole is a film legend, but while the piercing blue eyes can still sell a scene, his blow-dried middle part just didn’t stand out when compared to the feathery goodness the rest of the cast was working with. A solid effort from an icon, but maybe he should stick to acting, and leave the hair game to the pros.


10. Rose Byrne as Briseis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Sure, Rose Byrne looks nice enough. Maybe a touch too 2004 pop star, instead of 1250 B.C. virgin priestess, but how was anyone supposed to know crimped bangs weren’t here to stay? Cute, but far from the poofed-out pomp A-game we get to see later in the list.


9. Saffron Burrows as Andromache

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Another solid effort, but there are no participation trophies here. Yes, Ms. Burrows’ hair looks lovely, but we need a bit more Tina Turner and a little less Golden Globes presenter to make up some ground. Beautiful isn’t going to cut it. In this movie, when your hair looks done, you need to go back in and ask for three more inches of poof.


8. Brendan Gleeson as Menelaus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re getting somewhere. Rumor has it Gleeson brought a hedgehog into the makeup trailer and said make me look like that. Okay, we just made that up, but it gives you an idea of what it took to stand out in this cast of follicle superstars.


7. Orlando Bloom as Paris

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Orlando Bloom was coming off of a long run of Elven blonde extensions when he joined the cast of Troy, so when everyone else zigged, he zagged. His short, curly locks are the type you could run your fingers through for days, leading to a commendable effort, if not the wig-wearing crown.


6. Brian Cox as Agamemnon

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Brian Cox is one step shy of a Psychlo from Battlefield Earth here with his dreaded ponytail. Kudos, Mr. Cox, for playing the hair game, but we’re docking you points for reminding us of Travolta’s creepy tongue in that movie.


5. Eric Bana as Hector

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re talking. Eric Bana’s hair is so deliciously poofy in this movie, it would probably float away if it weren’t stapled to his head. The filmmakers must have had a whole team of blow driers at the ready for any day he was on set.


4. Julie Christie as Thetis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Unlike fellow legend Peter O’Toole, Julie Christie brings her mane mastery to the hair and makeup chair here, with her grey-streaked hair screaming “my part may be underwritten, but you will pay attention to me.” It’s like a rollercoaster ride of highlights and lowlights. She looks like a Disney villain on a Grecian holiday. This is how you play to win.


3. Sean Bean as Odysseus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh, Sean Bean. You may get killed in every movie you appear in, but that tornado of wavy locks on your head could survive a nuclear explosion. Windswept doesn’t do that ‘do justice, unless the wind is coming from every angle imaginable.


2. Garrett Hedlund as Patroclus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Garrett Hedlund was just a rookie on the set of Troy, but he knew to do anything and everything Mr. Pitt was doing, and then some. That must be how he ended up with these luscious locks that look like they belong on a poster in a tween’s bedroom, more than on the head of the future Tron: Legacy star.


1. Brad Pitt as Achilles

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Yes, this may be the easy choice, but it is numero uno for a reason. The Bradster brought all of his years of movie star experience to the set of Troy, going to a hairdo that would stand the test of time. The long, roping locks. The wavy curls. The near neon brand of blonde hair dye. The only thing that could upstage Mr. Pitt’s once in a lifetime coif in this movie is his marble chiseled abs, but that’s for another list. Mr. Pitt, unlike Achilles, you have no weaknesses.

What if Troy was a staring contest? Watch below. 

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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GIFs via Giphy

The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy

Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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