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Do the 'Do

A Definitive Ranking of the Hairstyles of Troy

Catch Brad Pitt in Troy this month on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Warner Brothers/courtesy Everett Collection

Troy is a product of its time, an old-school period action flick released back in 2004 in an era defined by Hobbits and Orcs. But while the Lord of the Rings movies would go on to win the box office and a boatload of Oscars, Troy would best it in one distinct way. For all of its flaws, when it came to hairdos, the people behind Troy brought it. Poofy. Wavy. Long. Luxurious. Each style more glorious than the last. Before you catch Troy on IFC this Friday, April 15th at 8P, we thought it was our duty to rank the defining quality of this movie, that split the difference between Tolkien and 300 and ended up as a hair salon ad with swords.

12. Diane Kruger as Helen

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh please, this ‘do is like Season 3 of Downtown Abbey — tasteful and boring. Troy, with its Cliff’s Notes plotting and Lord of the Rings-style battle scenes, makes its bones with action and a hair budget that would bankrupt most third world nations. This demure number isn’t going to cut it.


11. Peter O’Toole as Priam

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Peter O’Toole is a film legend, but while the piercing blue eyes can still sell a scene, his blow-dried middle part just didn’t stand out when compared to the feathery goodness the rest of the cast was working with. A solid effort from an icon, but maybe he should stick to acting, and leave the hair game to the pros.


10. Rose Byrne as Briseis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Sure, Rose Byrne looks nice enough. Maybe a touch too 2004 pop star, instead of 1250 B.C. virgin priestess, but how was anyone supposed to know crimped bangs weren’t here to stay? Cute, but far from the poofed-out pomp A-game we get to see later in the list.


9. Saffron Burrows as Andromache

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Another solid effort, but there are no participation trophies here. Yes, Ms. Burrows’ hair looks lovely, but we need a bit more Tina Turner and a little less Golden Globes presenter to make up some ground. Beautiful isn’t going to cut it. In this movie, when your hair looks done, you need to go back in and ask for three more inches of poof.


8. Brendan Gleeson as Menelaus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re getting somewhere. Rumor has it Gleeson brought a hedgehog into the makeup trailer and said make me look like that. Okay, we just made that up, but it gives you an idea of what it took to stand out in this cast of follicle superstars.


7. Orlando Bloom as Paris

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Orlando Bloom was coming off of a long run of Elven blonde extensions when he joined the cast of Troy, so when everyone else zigged, he zagged. His short, curly locks are the type you could run your fingers through for days, leading to a commendable effort, if not the wig-wearing crown.


6. Brian Cox as Agamemnon

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Brian Cox is one step shy of a Psychlo from Battlefield Earth here with his dreaded ponytail. Kudos, Mr. Cox, for playing the hair game, but we’re docking you points for reminding us of Travolta’s creepy tongue in that movie.


5. Eric Bana as Hector

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re talking. Eric Bana’s hair is so deliciously poofy in this movie, it would probably float away if it weren’t stapled to his head. The filmmakers must have had a whole team of blow driers at the ready for any day he was on set.


4. Julie Christie as Thetis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Unlike fellow legend Peter O’Toole, Julie Christie brings her mane mastery to the hair and makeup chair here, with her grey-streaked hair screaming “my part may be underwritten, but you will pay attention to me.” It’s like a rollercoaster ride of highlights and lowlights. She looks like a Disney villain on a Grecian holiday. This is how you play to win.


3. Sean Bean as Odysseus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh, Sean Bean. You may get killed in every movie you appear in, but that tornado of wavy locks on your head could survive a nuclear explosion. Windswept doesn’t do that ‘do justice, unless the wind is coming from every angle imaginable.


2. Garrett Hedlund as Patroclus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Garrett Hedlund was just a rookie on the set of Troy, but he knew to do anything and everything Mr. Pitt was doing, and then some. That must be how he ended up with these luscious locks that look like they belong on a poster in a tween’s bedroom, more than on the head of the future Tron: Legacy star.


1. Brad Pitt as Achilles

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Yes, this may be the easy choice, but it is numero uno for a reason. The Bradster brought all of his years of movie star experience to the set of Troy, going to a hairdo that would stand the test of time. The long, roping locks. The wavy curls. The near neon brand of blonde hair dye. The only thing that could upstage Mr. Pitt’s once in a lifetime coif in this movie is his marble chiseled abs, but that’s for another list. Mr. Pitt, unlike Achilles, you have no weaknesses.

What if Troy was a staring contest? Watch below. 

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Grow TFU

Adulting Like You Mean It

Commuters makes its debut on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Jared Warner, Nick Ciavarella, and Tim Dean were once a part of Murderfist, a group of comedy writers, actors, producers, parents, and reluctant adults. Together with InstaMiniSeries’s Nikki Borges, they’re making their IFC Comedy Crib debut with the refreshingly-honest and joyfully-hilarious Commuters. The webseries follows thirtysomethings Harris and Olivia as they brave the waters of true adulthood, and it’s right on point.

Jared, Nick, Nikki and Tim were kind enough to answer a few questions about Commuters for us. Here’s a snippet of that conversation…

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IFC: How would you describe Commuters to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Nick: Two 30-somethings leave the Brooklyn life behind, and move to the New Jersey suburbs in a forced attempt to “grow up.” But they soon find out they’ve got a long way to go to get to where they want to be.

IFC: How would you describe Commuters to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Jared: It’s a show about how f*cking stupid people who think they are smart can be.

IFC: What’s your origin story? When did you all meet and how long have you been working together?

Jared: Nick, Tim, and I were all in the sketch group Murderfist since, what, like 2004? God. Anyway, Tim and Nick left the group to pursue other frivolous things, like children and careers, but we all enjoyed writing together and kept at it. We were always more interested in storytelling than sketch comedy lends itself to, which led to our webseries Jared Posts A Personal. That was a show about being in your 20s and embracing the chaos of being young in the city. Commuters is the counterpoint, i guess. Our director Adam worked at Borders (~THE PAST!!~) with Tim, came out to a Murderfist show once, and we’ve kept him imprisoned ever since.

IFC: What was the genesis of Commuters?

Tim: Jared had an idea for a series about the more realistic, less romantic aspects of being in a serious relationship.  I moved out of the city to the suburbs and Nick got engaged out in LA.   We sort of combined all of those facets and Commuters was the end result.

IFC: How would Harris describe Olivia?

Jared: Olivia is the smartest, coolest, hottest person in the world, and Harris can’t believe he gets to be with her, even though she does overreact to everything and has no chill. Like seriously, ease up. It doesn’t always have to be ‘a thing.’

IFC: How would Olivia describe Harris?

Nikki:  Harris is smart, confident with a dry sense of humor but he’s also kind of a major chicken shit…. Kind of like if Han Solo and Barney Rubble had a baby.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Nikki:  I think this is the most accurate portrayal of what a modern relationship looks like. Expectations for what your life is ‘supposed to look like’ are confusing and often a let down but when you’re married to your best friend, it’s going to be ok because you will always find a way to make each other laugh.

IFC: Is the exciting life of NYC twentysomethings a sweet dream from which we all must awake, or is it a nightmare that we don’t realize is happening until it’s over?

Tim: Now that i’ve spent time living in the suburbs, helping to raise a two year old, y’all city folk have no fucking clue how great you’ve got it.

Nikki: I think of it similar to how I think about college. There’s a time and age for it to be glorious but no one wants to hang out with that 7th year senior. Luckily, NYC is so multifaceted that you can still have an exciting life here but it doesn’t have to be just what the twentysomethings are doing (thank god).

Jared: New York City is a garbage fire.

See the whole season of Commuters right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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C'mon Fellas

A Man Mansplains To Men

Why Baroness von Sketch Show is a must-see.

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Mansplaining is when a man takes it upon himself to explain something to a woman that she already knows. It happens a lot, but it’s not going to happen here. Ladies, go ahead and skip to the end of this post to watch a free episode of IFC’s latest addition, Baroness von Sketch Show.

However, if you’re a man, you might actually benefit from a good mansplanation. So take a knee, lean in, and absorb the following wisdom.

No Dicks

Baroness von Sketch Show is made entirely by women, therefore this show isn’t focused on men. Can you believe it? I know what you’re thinking: how will we know when to laugh if the jokes aren’t viewed through the dusty lens of the patriarchy? Where are the thinly veiled penis jokes? Am I a bad person? In order: you will, nowhere, and yes.

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Huge Balls

Did you know that there’s more to life than poop jokes, sex jokes, body part jokes? I mean, those things are all really good things, natch, and totally edgy. But Baroness von Sketch Show does something even edgier. It holds up a brutal funhouse mirror to our everyday life. This is a bulls**t world we made, fellas.

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Oh Canada

After you watch the Canadian powerhouses of Baroness von Sketch Show and think to yourself “Dear god, this is so real” and “I’ve gotta talk about this,” do yourself a favor and think a-boot your options: Refrain from sharing your sage wisdom with any woman anywhere (believe us, she gets it). Instead, tell a fellow bro and get the mansplaining out of your system while also spreading the word about a great show.

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Dudes, that’s the deal.
Women, start reading again here:


Check out the preview episode of Baroness von Sketch Show and watch the series premiere August 2 on IFC.

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Happy Tears

Binge Don’t Cringe

Catch up on episodes of Documentary Now! and Portlandia.

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Photo Credit: GIFs via GIPHY

A brain can only take so much.

Every five minutes, all day, every day, ludicrously stressful headlines push our mental limits as we struggle to adapt to a reality that seems increasingly less real. What’s a mind to do when simple denial just isn’t good enough anymore?

Radical suggestion: repeal and replace. And by that we mean take all the bad news that keeps you up at night, press pause, and substitute it with some genuine (not nervous, for a change) laughter. Here are some of the issues on our mind.

Gender Inequality

Feminist bookstore owners by day, still feminist bookstore owners by night, Toni and Candace show the male gaze who’s boss. Learn about their origin story (SPOILER: there’s an epic dance battle) and see what happens when their own brand of empowerment gets out of hand.

Healthcare

From Candace’s heart attack to the rise of the rawvolution, this Portlandia episode proves that healthcare is vital.

Peaceful Protests

Too many online petitions, too little time? Get WOKE with Fred and Carrie when they learn how to protest.

What Could Have Been

Can’t say the name “Clinton” without bursting into tears? Documentary Now!’s masterfully political “The Bunker” sheds a cozy new light on the house that Bill and Hill built. Just pretend you don’t know how the story really ends.

Fake News

A healthy way to break the high-drama news cycle is to switch over to “Dronez”, which has all the thrills of ubiquitous adventure journalism without any of the customary depression.

The more you watch, the better you feel. So get started on past episodes of Documentary Now! and Portlandia right now at IFC.com and the IFC app.

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