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Do the 'Do

A Definitive Ranking of the Hairstyles of Troy

Catch Brad Pitt in Troy this month on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Warner Brothers/courtesy Everett Collection

Troy is a product of its time, an old-school period action flick released back in 2004 in an era defined by Hobbits and Orcs. But while the Lord of the Rings movies would go on to win the box office and a boatload of Oscars, Troy would best it in one distinct way. For all of its flaws, when it came to hairdos, the people behind Troy brought it. Poofy. Wavy. Long. Luxurious. Each style more glorious than the last. Before you catch Troy on IFC this Friday, April 15th at 8P, we thought it was our duty to rank the defining quality of this movie, that split the difference between Tolkien and 300 and ended up as a hair salon ad with swords.

12. Diane Kruger as Helen

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh please, this ‘do is like Season 3 of Downtown Abbey — tasteful and boring. Troy, with its Cliff’s Notes plotting and Lord of the Rings-style battle scenes, makes its bones with action and a hair budget that would bankrupt most third world nations. This demure number isn’t going to cut it.


11. Peter O’Toole as Priam

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Peter O’Toole is a film legend, but while the piercing blue eyes can still sell a scene, his blow-dried middle part just didn’t stand out when compared to the feathery goodness the rest of the cast was working with. A solid effort from an icon, but maybe he should stick to acting, and leave the hair game to the pros.


10. Rose Byrne as Briseis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Sure, Rose Byrne looks nice enough. Maybe a touch too 2004 pop star, instead of 1250 B.C. virgin priestess, but how was anyone supposed to know crimped bangs weren’t here to stay? Cute, but far from the poofed-out pomp A-game we get to see later in the list.


9. Saffron Burrows as Andromache

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Another solid effort, but there are no participation trophies here. Yes, Ms. Burrows’ hair looks lovely, but we need a bit more Tina Turner and a little less Golden Globes presenter to make up some ground. Beautiful isn’t going to cut it. In this movie, when your hair looks done, you need to go back in and ask for three more inches of poof.


8. Brendan Gleeson as Menelaus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re getting somewhere. Rumor has it Gleeson brought a hedgehog into the makeup trailer and said make me look like that. Okay, we just made that up, but it gives you an idea of what it took to stand out in this cast of follicle superstars.


7. Orlando Bloom as Paris

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Orlando Bloom was coming off of a long run of Elven blonde extensions when he joined the cast of Troy, so when everyone else zigged, he zagged. His short, curly locks are the type you could run your fingers through for days, leading to a commendable effort, if not the wig-wearing crown.


6. Brian Cox as Agamemnon

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Brian Cox is one step shy of a Psychlo from Battlefield Earth here with his dreaded ponytail. Kudos, Mr. Cox, for playing the hair game, but we’re docking you points for reminding us of Travolta’s creepy tongue in that movie.


5. Eric Bana as Hector

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Now we’re talking. Eric Bana’s hair is so deliciously poofy in this movie, it would probably float away if it weren’t stapled to his head. The filmmakers must have had a whole team of blow driers at the ready for any day he was on set.


4. Julie Christie as Thetis

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Unlike fellow legend Peter O’Toole, Julie Christie brings her mane mastery to the hair and makeup chair here, with her grey-streaked hair screaming “my part may be underwritten, but you will pay attention to me.” It’s like a rollercoaster ride of highlights and lowlights. She looks like a Disney villain on a Grecian holiday. This is how you play to win.


3. Sean Bean as Odysseus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Oh, Sean Bean. You may get killed in every movie you appear in, but that tornado of wavy locks on your head could survive a nuclear explosion. Windswept doesn’t do that ‘do justice, unless the wind is coming from every angle imaginable.


2. Garrett Hedlund as Patroclus

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Garrett Hedlund was just a rookie on the set of Troy, but he knew to do anything and everything Mr. Pitt was doing, and then some. That must be how he ended up with these luscious locks that look like they belong on a poster in a tween’s bedroom, more than on the head of the future Tron: Legacy star.


1. Brad Pitt as Achilles

Warner Bros. Pictures
Warner Bros. Pictures

Yes, this may be the easy choice, but it is numero uno for a reason. The Bradster brought all of his years of movie star experience to the set of Troy, going to a hairdo that would stand the test of time. The long, roping locks. The wavy curls. The near neon brand of blonde hair dye. The only thing that could upstage Mr. Pitt’s once in a lifetime coif in this movie is his marble chiseled abs, but that’s for another list. Mr. Pitt, unlike Achilles, you have no weaknesses.

What if Troy was a staring contest? Watch below. 

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Holiday Extra Special

Make The Holidays ’80s Again

Enjoy the holiday cheer Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Whatever happened to the kind of crazy-yet-cozy holiday specials that blanketed the early winter airwaves of the 1980s? Unceremoniously killed by infectious ’90s jadedness? Slow fade out at the hands of early-onset millennial ennui? Whatever the reason, nixing the tradition was a huge mistake.

A huge mistake that we’re about to fix.

Announcing IFC’s Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special, starring Tony Hale. It’s a celeb-studded extravaganza in the glorious tradition of yesteryear featuring Bridget Everett, Jo Firestone, Nick Thune, Jen Kirkman, house band The Dap-Kings, and many more. And it’s at Joe’s Pub, everyone’s favorite home away from home in the Big Apple.

The yuletide cheer explodes Wednesday December 21 at 10P. But if you were born after 1989 and have no idea what void this spectacular special is going to fill, sample from this vintage selection of holiday hits:

Andy Williams and The NBC Kids Search For Santa

The quintessential holiday special. Get snuggly and turn off your brain. You won’t need it.

A Muppet Family Christmas

The Fraggles. The Muppets. The Sesame Street gang. Fate. The Jim Henson multiverse merges in this warm and fuzzy Holiday gathering.

Julie Andrews: The Sound Of Christmas

To this day a foolproof antidote to holiday cynicism. It’s cheesy, but a good cheese. In this case an Alpine Gruyère.

Star Wars Holiday Special

Okay, busted. This one was released in 1978. Still totally ’80s though. And yes that’s Bea Arthur.

Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special

Pass the eggnog, and make sure it’s loaded. This special is everything you’d expect it to be and much, much more.

Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special premieres Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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It Ain't Over Yet

A Guide to Coping with the End of Comedy Bang! Bang!

Watch the final episodes tonight at 11 and 11:30P on IFC.

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After five seasons and 110 halved-hour episodes, Scott Aukerman’s hipster comedy opus, Comedy Bang! Bang!, has come to an end. Fridays at 11 and 11:30P will never be the same. We know it can be hard for fans to adjust after the series finale of their favorite TV show. That’s why we’ve prepared this step-by-step guide to managing your grief.

Step One: Cry it out

It’s just natural. We’re sad too.
Scott crying GIF

Step Two: Read the CB!B! IMDB Trivia Page

The show is over and it feels like you’ve lost a friend. But how well did you really know this friend? Head over to Comedy Bang! Bang!’s IMDB page to find out some things you may not have known…like that it’s “based on a Civil War battle of the same name” or that “Reggie Watts was actually born with the name Theodore Leopold The Third.”

Step Three: Listen to the podcast

One fascinating piece of CB!B! trivia that you might not learn from IMDB is that there’s a podcast that shares the same name as the TV show. It’s even hosted by Scott Aukerman! It’s not exactly like watching the TV show on a Friday night, but that’s only because each episode is released Monday morning. If you close your eyes, the podcast is just like watching the show with your eyes closed!

Step Four: Watch brand new CB!B! clips?!

The best way to cope with the end of Comedy Bang! Bang! is to completely ignore that it’s over — because it’s not. In an unprecedented move, IFC is opening up the bonus CB!B! content vault. There are four brand new, never-before-seen sketches featuring Scott Aukerman, Kid Cudi, and “Weird Al” Yankovic ready for you to view on the IFC App. There’s also one right here, below this paragraph! Watch all four b-b-bonus clips and feel better.

Binge the entire final season, plus exclusive sketches, right now on the IFC app.

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Everybody Sweats Now

The Four-Day Sweatsgiving Weekend On IFC

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This long holiday weekend is your time to gobble gobble gobble and give heartfelt thanks—thanks for the comfort and forgiveness of sweatpants. Because when it comes right down to it, there’s nothing more wholesome and American than stuffing yourself stupid and spending endless hours in front of the TV in your softest of softests.

So get the sweats, grab the remote and join IFC for four perfect days of entertainment.

sweatsgiving
It all starts with a 24-hour T-day marathon of Rocky Horror Picture Show, then continues Friday with an all-day binge of Stan Against Evil.

By Saturday, the couch will have molded to your shape. Which is good, because you’ll be nestled in for back-to-back Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.

Finally, come Sunday it’s time to put the sweat back in your sweatpants with The Shining, The Exorcist, The Chronicles of Riddick, Terminator 2, and Blade: Trinity. They totally count as cardio.

As if you need more convincing, here’s Martha Wash and the IFC&C Music Factory to hammer the point home.

The Sweatsgiving Weekend starts Thursday on IFC

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