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Scared Stupid

10 Dumb Things People in Horror Movies Do

Scream along with IFC's April Fool's Day Massacre all day today.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Thanks to movies like Scream and Cabin in the Woods, the tropes of horror movie morons have been well documented, but with IFC’s April Fool’s Day horror movie marathon upon us, we thought it was our responsibility to remind you of a few key things these idiots do over and over again. That way, you’ll know why you hate them, and feel a lot more comfortable rooting for them to die. Here are just a handful of the dumb things people in horror movies do that always get them killed. Feel free to try them out the next time you’re running away from a crazed killer in a Shatner mask.

10. Investigate weird sounds.

Renaissance Pictures
Renaissance Pictures

Hey, maybe take the Gates of Hell being ripped open as an excuse not to go check out that strange sound outside the creepy cabin you’re staying in. If Cheryl, from The Evil Dead, had followed that bit of advice, she might have avoided the worst first date with a tree since Saruman took one for the team in The Lord of the Rings. Time and again, these fools take any excuse to leave the safety of their homes, and go investigate the inky blackness on the other side of their locked door. I don’t know about you, but I could hear a marching band coming down the street at three in the morning, and I’m just locking my door and grabbing my gun. Then again, I hate marching bands.


9. Decide to give that freaky haunted house one more shot.

Poltergeist/MGM
MGM

Sure, it’s built on an Indian burial ground, and demons have kidnapped one of your children and taken her to The Nethersphere, but have you seen the finished basement in this house? You don’t just walk away from something like that. Haunted house movies would be awfully short if folks did what any sane person would do, and hightailed it out of there the first time the wallpaper started bleeding. Instead, these white-bread suburbanites seem to always find some excuse to put off the big move until something really awful happens. I mean, maybe just let the poltergeist keep the kid, right? They could turn her room into a home gym!


8. Fail to check the backseat.

Falcon International Productions
Falcon International Productions

How hard is it to take a peek in the backseat before you start up the car on a spooky night? Just a quick glance to confirm there aren’t any killers or old Starbucks cups taking up too much room back there. If there was a serial killer loose in my neighborhood, I’d be checking my backpack for him before putting it on. Instead, in everything from Urban Legend to Let Me In, pretty young people find themselves on the business end of something pointy because they didn’t just check to see if a maniac in a mask was crouched down in the back seat, uncomfortably waiting for his chance to strike.


7. Split up.

The Thing/Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

If there’s a monster hunting you and picking off your crew one by one, maybe stick together. You’ve got a better chance of fighting it off, or at least shoving the guy you like the least into its mouth and making a run for it. And yet, time after time, the best plan anyone in horror movies can come up with is to split up, snoop around in the dark by themselves, and report back after they die. It’s insanity, especially in The Thing, which has a monster that can transform to look like anyone. Hmmm, maybe if you stuck together you wouldn’t need to spend the rest of your time alive guessing who’s your annoying coworker and who’s an alien with a taste for bearded men.


6. Take off way too much clothing after getting hurt.

Universal Pictures
Universal Pictures

Okay ladies, just because you got a scratch doesn’t mean you need to strip down to your undergarments. I know, you don’t want to bleed all over your good pair of jeans, but maybe consider the fact that you’re going to be running away from this killer or alien or desert slug for a good bit still, and you don’t want to have to do that in the near buff. Especially when your male friends are all suspiciously fully clothed.


5. Go into dark, scary basements.

Artisan Entertainment
Artisan Entertainment

Look, unless your basement has a foosball table and some sort of neon signage, I’m not going down there. Dark, dank basements are for storing Christmas decorations and getting murdered. And yet, time and again, from The Evil Dead to The Blair Witch Project, people decide that heading down the stairs instead of out the door is their best bet. Worst case, there’s a demon down there. Best case, you get thrown in a pit and asked to put some “lotion in a basket.” Probably better to just stay on the first floor, where no one ever dies.


4. Have sex in weird places.

Paramount Pictures
Paramount Pictures

We all like to mix things up. Skip the bed, and head all the way to the living room couch to get our freak on. But when you’re friends are being picked off one by one by a resurrected reject in a hockey mask, maybe it isn’t time to do the nasty in the abandoned mental hospital on the edge of town. Of course, when you get this many nubile young airheads together, they’re going to get a little frisky, but can’t they do it in a well-lit room with locks on the door? Safe sex doesn’t just apply to condoms, people.


3. Hide in the most obvious spots.

Warner Bros.
Warner Bros.

We get it. You’re scared. There’s a creep with a knife hot on your tail. You just want to curl up in a ball and die. Well, not die, but hide. Then you see a closet, or a bed, and figure, he’ll never look in there. He’ll just march through the room, back out again, and be on his merry way. But that never happens. Michael Meyers always checks closets. Kidnappers always “taken” you if you hide under the bed. These are obvious places for anyone who isn’t a moron. And your whimpering and choked back tears aren’t exactly helping matters. Get out of there, for the love of God. Instead, you’re basically hiding behind a potted plant.


2. Trip over everything imaginable while running away.

Vertigo Entertainment
Vertigo Entertainment

Why is it that the end of every horror movie has more pratfalls than a Three Stooges short? For some reason, a damsel in distress can’t run three feet without tripping over ever twig and crack she comes across. It doesn’t matter how much you yell “GET UP!” at the screen, they always end up on their knees. Look, just because you’re scared doesn’t mean you have to lose all equilibrium. Have some self respect. Stay on two feet. Most of these killers and monsters can’t lurch more than two miles an hour. A healthy jog is going to get the job done. Just keep it together, and remind me not to run a 5K behind you.


1. Say “I’ll be right back” like Scream never happened.

Dimension Films

Scream/Dimension Films

Scream blew this one out of the water, but not without cause. There are countless examples in the Friday the 13th and Halloween movies where someone says, “I’ll be right back,” only to never be seen again. And yet, somehow, movies like Paranormal Activity: The Marked Ones still have folks using the phrase unironically. You know what, if those characters haven’t seen Scream, they deserve to die.

Check out some rules for horror movie “fools.”

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Holiday Extra Special

Make The Holidays ’80s Again

Enjoy the holiday cheer Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Whatever happened to the kind of crazy-yet-cozy holiday specials that blanketed the early winter airwaves of the 1980s? Unceremoniously killed by infectious ’90s jadedness? Slow fade out at the hands of early-onset millennial ennui? Whatever the reason, nixing the tradition was a huge mistake.

A huge mistake that we’re about to fix.

Announcing IFC’s Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special, starring Tony Hale. It’s a celeb-studded extravaganza in the glorious tradition of yesteryear featuring Bridget Everett, Jo Firestone, Nick Thune, Jen Kirkman, house band The Dap-Kings, and many more. And it’s at Joe’s Pub, everyone’s favorite home away from home in the Big Apple.

The yuletide cheer explodes Wednesday December 21 at 10P. But if you were born after 1989 and have no idea what void this spectacular special is going to fill, sample from this vintage selection of holiday hits:

Andy Williams and The NBC Kids Search For Santa

The quintessential holiday special. Get snuggly and turn off your brain. You won’t need it.

A Muppet Family Christmas

The Fraggles. The Muppets. The Sesame Street gang. Fate. The Jim Henson multiverse merges in this warm and fuzzy Holiday gathering.

Julie Andrews: The Sound Of Christmas

To this day a foolproof antidote to holiday cynicism. It’s cheesy, but a good cheese. In this case an Alpine Gruyère.

Star Wars Holiday Special

Okay, busted. This one was released in 1978. Still totally ’80s though. And yes that’s Bea Arthur.

Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special

Pass the eggnog, and make sure it’s loaded. This special is everything you’d expect it to be and much, much more.

Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special premieres Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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It Ain't Over Yet

A Guide to Coping with the End of Comedy Bang! Bang!

Watch the final episodes tonight at 11 and 11:30P on IFC.

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After five seasons and 110 halved-hour episodes, Scott Aukerman’s hipster comedy opus, Comedy Bang! Bang!, has come to an end. Fridays at 11 and 11:30P will never be the same. We know it can be hard for fans to adjust after the series finale of their favorite TV show. That’s why we’ve prepared this step-by-step guide to managing your grief.

Step One: Cry it out

It’s just natural. We’re sad too.
Scott crying GIF

Step Two: Read the CB!B! IMDB Trivia Page

The show is over and it feels like you’ve lost a friend. But how well did you really know this friend? Head over to Comedy Bang! Bang!’s IMDB page to find out some things you may not have known…like that it’s “based on a Civil War battle of the same name” or that “Reggie Watts was actually born with the name Theodore Leopold The Third.”

Step Three: Listen to the podcast

One fascinating piece of CB!B! trivia that you might not learn from IMDB is that there’s a podcast that shares the same name as the TV show. It’s even hosted by Scott Aukerman! It’s not exactly like watching the TV show on a Friday night, but that’s only because each episode is released Monday morning. If you close your eyes, the podcast is just like watching the show with your eyes closed!

Step Four: Watch brand new CB!B! clips?!

The best way to cope with the end of Comedy Bang! Bang! is to completely ignore that it’s over — because it’s not. In an unprecedented move, IFC is opening up the bonus CB!B! content vault. There are four brand new, never-before-seen sketches featuring Scott Aukerman, Kid Cudi, and “Weird Al” Yankovic ready for you to view on the IFC App. There’s also one right here, below this paragraph! Watch all four b-b-bonus clips and feel better.

Binge the entire final season, plus exclusive sketches, right now on the IFC app.

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Everybody Sweats Now

The Four-Day Sweatsgiving Weekend On IFC

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This long holiday weekend is your time to gobble gobble gobble and give heartfelt thanks—thanks for the comfort and forgiveness of sweatpants. Because when it comes right down to it, there’s nothing more wholesome and American than stuffing yourself stupid and spending endless hours in front of the TV in your softest of softests.

So get the sweats, grab the remote and join IFC for four perfect days of entertainment.

sweatsgiving
It all starts with a 24-hour T-day marathon of Rocky Horror Picture Show, then continues Friday with an all-day binge of Stan Against Evil.

By Saturday, the couch will have molded to your shape. Which is good, because you’ll be nestled in for back-to-back Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.

Finally, come Sunday it’s time to put the sweat back in your sweatpants with The Shining, The Exorcist, The Chronicles of Riddick, Terminator 2, and Blade: Trinity. They totally count as cardio.

As if you need more convincing, here’s Martha Wash and the IFC&C Music Factory to hammer the point home.

The Sweatsgiving Weekend starts Thursday on IFC

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