Conan the Barbarian

Arnie-isms

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 10 Best One-Liners

Catch the Conan the Barbarian movies this month on IFC.

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Never let it be said that Arnold doesn’t have a way with words. Sure, half of those words might be indecipherable. But the ones that land are like perfect nuggets of movie quote magic. Before you have your enemies driven before you by watching the Conan the Barbarian movies on IFC this month, take a look at some of Arnold’s funniest one-liners.

10. True Lies

You're Fired

True Lies ends with Arnie in the cockpit of a Harrier jet, and a terrorist leader hanging from one of its missiles. Which is pointing directly at a helicopter loaded with more terrorists. It’s like the universe realigned itself just to make this line possible.


9. Eraser

Luggage

Sometimes trouble is just an opportunity for further growth. And sometimes being attacked by a gigantic alligator is a chance to deliver a ridiculously specific one-liner.


8. Total Recall

It takes a lot to make 1990s Sharon Stone unappealing, but her pulling a gun and shooting at your face would definitely do it. Arnie’s Quaid is quicker on the trigger, and quicker still with the brutal one-liner.


7. Twins

When in doubt, blame the pavement. Works for Arnold in Twins, and it’ll work for you the next time someone’s face has a date with your fist.


6. Predator

Stick Around

Where other Hollywood blockbusters waste time with boring exposition, Predator prefaces the alien invader action with even more action. Arnie destroys an entire armed encampment as a mere prelude, and sharpens (pun intended) his one-liner skills in the process.


5. Last Action Hero

Last Action Hero manages to completely take the piss out of the action movie genre while also being a straight-up action movie. It also allowed Arnold to pay tribute to the Bard before he made “winter of our discontent” puns in Batman & Robin.
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4. The Running Man

Sub zero

To be honest, we’re not even sure if this line even makes sense. But that doesn’t stop us from laughing every time we hear it.


3. The 6th Day

The Sixth Day might not be the most memorable Arnold movie, but it did give us this ultimate NSFW answer to cloning.


2. Conan the Barbarian

Turns out it was Conan (and not Oprah) who told us how to live our best life. And he did it with actual clubs instead of book clubs.


1. Commando

Steam

Commando delivers more one liners for corpses than a headstone factory, and John Matrix’s line when he dispatches Bennett is easily the best. It’s the exact formula for a perfect Schwarzenegger one-liner — a short, deadly burst of “pun-ishment.”

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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Nick Kroll and John Mulaney To Host Spirit Awards

The Spirit Awards Air February 25 LIVE on IFC.

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The 2017 Spirit Awards have finally found their frontmen: Nick Kroll and John Mulaney. And it’s no wonder. Just marvel in their splendid chemistry back when they appeared on Comedy Bang! Bang!:

The pair are prolific within the performing arts community: television (Kroll in The League and The Kroll Show, Mulaney as a writer of IFC’s own Documentary Now!), theater (including Broadway’s current Oh Hello Show), and stand-up comedy. In fact, it’s entirely possible that emceeing an awards show is one of the few remaining line items on their professional bucket lists.

It’s important to caveat this announcement, however. Unlike the bigger and more ubiquitously known awards shows, the Spirit Awards are not, well…boring. (We’re talking to you, Oscar.)

They’re funny. They’re honest. They have quality to match the red-carpet fanfare. And that’s alarmingly special. Last year’s show included some legitimately historic moments, like when transgender actress Mya Taylor won best supporting female, or Kate McKinnon’s hilarious and timely parody of Carol. See more highlights here to get the flavor of the Spirit Awards and read all about Film Independent to dig deeper.

The 2017 Spirit Awards air live February 25 at 5P ET exclusively on IFC.

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