Conan the Barbarian

Arnie-isms

Arnold Schwarzenegger’s 10 Best One-Liners

Catch the Conan the Barbarian movies this month on IFC.

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Never let it be said that Arnold doesn’t have a way with words. Sure, half of those words might be indecipherable. But the ones that land are like perfect nuggets of movie quote magic. Before you have your enemies driven before you by watching the Conan the Barbarian movies on IFC this month, take a look at some of Arnold’s funniest one-liners.

10. True Lies

You're Fired

True Lies ends with Arnie in the cockpit of a Harrier jet, and a terrorist leader hanging from one of its missiles. Which is pointing directly at a helicopter loaded with more terrorists. It’s like the universe realigned itself just to make this line possible.


9. Eraser

Luggage

Sometimes trouble is just an opportunity for further growth. And sometimes being attacked by a gigantic alligator is a chance to deliver a ridiculously specific one-liner.


8. Total Recall

It takes a lot to make 1990s Sharon Stone unappealing, but her pulling a gun and shooting at your face would definitely do it. Arnie’s Quaid is quicker on the trigger, and quicker still with the brutal one-liner.


7. Twins

When in doubt, blame the pavement. Works for Arnold in Twins, and it’ll work for you the next time someone’s face has a date with your fist.


6. Predator

Stick Around

Where other Hollywood blockbusters waste time with boring exposition, Predator prefaces the alien invader action with even more action. Arnie destroys an entire armed encampment as a mere prelude, and sharpens (pun intended) his one-liner skills in the process.


5. Last Action Hero

Last Action Hero manages to completely take the piss out of the action movie genre while also being a straight-up action movie. It also allowed Arnold to pay tribute to the Bard before he made “winter of our discontent” puns in Batman & Robin.
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4. The Running Man

Sub zero

To be honest, we’re not even sure if this line even makes sense. But that doesn’t stop us from laughing every time we hear it.


3. The 6th Day

The Sixth Day might not be the most memorable Arnold movie, but it did give us this ultimate NSFW answer to cloning.


2. Conan the Barbarian

Turns out it was Conan (and not Oprah) who told us how to live our best life. And he did it with actual clubs instead of book clubs.


1. Commando

Steam

Commando delivers more one liners for corpses than a headstone factory, and John Matrix’s line when he dispatches Bennett is easily the best. It’s the exact formula for a perfect Schwarzenegger one-liner — a short, deadly burst of “pun-ishment.”

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”


Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”


But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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Draught Pick

Sam Adams “Keeps It Brockmire”

All New Brockmire airs Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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From baseball to beer, Jim Brockmire calls ’em like he sees ’em.

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It’s no wonder at all, then, that Sam Adams would reach out to Brockmire to be their shockingly-honest (and inevitably short-term) new spokesperson. Unscripted and unrestrained, he’ll talk straight about Sam—and we’ll take his word. Check out this new testimonial for proof:

See more Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC, presented by Samuel Adams. Good f***** beer.

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