Last Witch Hunter

Wigging Out

A Timeline of Vin Diesel’s Hair in Movies

Catch Vin Diesel in Pitch Black and Babylon A.D. Thursday, March 31st starting at 5:45P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Lionsgate

With some actors, it feels like they’ve always been old. Wilford Brimley was playing grandpas all the way back in the 1986 television series Our House, and is somehow still going strong. Some actors don’t age at all. Paul Rudd could probably still play a teen heartthrob in a pinch. It’s like he’s frozen in alabaster. Very likable alabaster

And then there’s Vin Diesel, America’s living Olive Garden emoji, because when you’re with him, you’re family. Vin has a very special quality that sets him apart from nearly every other actor in the game: he’s always been bald. Seriously, he must have started balding at birth. Try to remember when he had hair. Any hair. Maybe some early movie, before he broke big?

How about Multi-Facial, the short film that first got him attention?

Multifacial

Nope. Well, he must have had hair in his big break, Saving Private Ryan?

Dreamworks

Not so much.

Okay, how about Boiler Room?

New Line Cinema

Bald as a coot. And, obviously, he wasn’t using his Rogaine when he made Pitch Black.

Few actors, since the heyday of chrome dome Telly Savalas, have been as bald for as long as Mr. Diesel. You have to dig deep into his past, to a time when he was still known as Mark Sinclair, aspiring break-dancer, to find a hairdo on his head. And what a ‘do it was, a tight Afro that wouldn’t get in the way of a head spin or two.

Vin Diesel breakdancing

No, if we’re being honest, Vin Diesel with hair is like Arnold with an American accent or The Rock not smelling what anyone’s cooking. It just doesn’t make sense. But it has happened.

The first time Mr. Big Movie Star decided to play the follicle game was in the big budget Pitch Black sequel, The Chronicles of Riddick. That was 2004, just shy of a decade removed from his first real part in the movies. More chunky dreads than movie star locks, he looked a bit like he was making a movie about George Clinton taking over for Santa Claus.

New Line Cinema

We’d have to wait two more years for the Vin Diesel wig department’s true tour de force. Find Me Guilty saw Diesel playing a wise guy who decides to defend himself in court. Hemmed in by the minor detail that he was portraying a real person, there was little choice but to slap some hair on that cue ball. Our man Vin sports a wig that would make The People vs. O.J. Simpson proud. The Big Short would use this wig as inspiration for their whole movie, that’s how impressive it was. It’s got pomp. It’s got loads of forehead. It’s beautiful.

Freestyle Releasing

The 2015 bomb The Last Witch Hunter would see Diesel’s return to the wig game, with a short on the sides, long in the back style that looks more at home in a Macklemore video than in a gritty, historical action flick. Still, you can’t blame the guy. What does he know about hair? The last time he got a haircut M.C Hammer was still legit enough to quit.

Lionsgate

And then…nothing. Hair silence. And with news that Vin is developing a Kojack movie, we may be out of luck for a while. Still, an army of wigs stands ready and able, waiting for the call.

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SAG Life

Rappers Act Up

Watch the Yo! IFC Acts Movie Marathon Memorial Day Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection and the '90s)

Memorial Day weekend: how to celebrate? Nothing quite says “screw spring—let’s do summer” like blockbuster movies starring rappers who ditched lucrative music careers in order to become actors. It happened a lot, remember? Especially in and around the ’90s. Will Smith, Eminem, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Marky Mark Wahlberg, Ludacris…icons with the hubris to try the silver screen instead and have it totally work out.

But what if more rappers had made the leap? That’s a rhetorical question—movies (and life) would’ve been better, obviously. To prove it, here are some movies that totally would’ve been more memorable with rappers.

The Godfather

Starring Biggie, not Brando.
Godfather-BIG

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Only Coolio could improve upon Gene Wilder’s performance.
Coolio-Wonka

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Billy Elliot, with a dose of Missy Elliott.
Missy-Billy-Elliott

Robin Hood: Price of Thieves

Low hanging fruit, Hollywood.
Robin-Hood-and-Lil-Jon

And of course…

Kanye-of-The-Lambs

See NONE of those movies and a whole bunch of real ones this Memorial Day weekend on IFC’s rapper-filled movie marathon.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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GIFs by Giphy

“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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GIFs via Giphy

The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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