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Beach Bum

10 Movies That Made Us Want to Stay Out of the Water

Dive into an all-day Jaws movie marathon Sunday, March 27th on IFC.

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Unless you’re the Wicked Witch of the West, water is probably pretty low on the list of things that freak you out. But buried deep down inside our lizard brains is a certain primordial fear of this wet wonderland. With movies, we’ve just gotten the chance to make our darkest fears of deep chasms and killer sharks come to life. Or, you know, a floating Baby Ruth. Before you catch IFC’s Jaws marathon, check out a few flicks that feel like they’re ripped straight from our soggy nightmares. Guess that whole bathing once a day thing is going to have to be put on hold.

10. Final Destination 4


Over the years, the Final Destination movies have tapped into just about every fear of death one could think of. From flying rocks to tanning beds to public buses, if there’s even a remote chance of something killing us, they’ve done it. But for the water-phobic among us, no death has been quite as horrifying as that of Hunt Wynorski, who met his untimely end by way of a particularly determined pool drain.


9. Friday the 13th


The final scene in Friday the 13th is so shocking because we could see that happy ending within reach, before Jason’s rotted mitts snatched it away. Apparently, this angry tween had been lurking at the bottom of Crystal Lake for years, just waiting for everyone to feel safe and sound, before executing one of the biggest jump scares in movie history. It’s a moment that makes our childhood fear of being laughed at in our bathing suits at camp seem tame in comparison.


8. A Nightmare on Elm Street


There’s nothing more relaxing than a good, ol’ bubble bath. Light a candle, shut your eyes, and let it all go. That is if that jerk Freddy doesn’t ruin it for us. Can’t a girl have a soak without some creep getting all up in her business?


7. It Follows

It Follows
It Follows was one of the freakiest movies to come out in recent memory. A morality play about the importance of never having sex with anyone, ever, for any reason, it also reminded us that the quickest way to ruin a pool party is to invite an inhuman killing machine determined to devour you for getting your groove on. Well, that and peeing in the pool.


6. The Perfect Storm


Everyone loves a day out on the water, with some fresh air and a couple suds, but you really need to make sure there isn’t a “perfect storm” coming. Those can be a real pain in the butt.


5. Let the Right One In


The 2008 Swedish horror film Let The Right One In was creepy from top to bottom, but no moment better exemplifies its particular brand of fear than the scene where our young lead, Oskar, is forced to hold his breath under water at knifepoint only to be rescued in an unexpectedly vicious way. For those of you annoyed by the rough housing kids at the public pool, this really takes things to another level.


4. Open Water


Open Water was loosely based on the true story of Tom and Eileen Lonergan, a couple accidentally left behind by their scuba tour group in the Great Barrier Reef, and never heard from again. Cast adrift in the middle of the ocean, lacking sustenance, and plagued by sharks, this movie reminded us how fragile the protective cocoon of society is. This is a monster movie where the monster is nature itself.


3. Sinister


One of the creepiest scenes in the 2012 supernatural horror flick Sinister is so short, you might blink and miss it. There’s a moment early in the movie when our protagonist, played by Ethan Hawke, finds Super 8 films in his attic of families being spied on, and then killed in increasingly vicious ways. One of these films depicts a family having a fun pool party, only to abruptly cut to them tied to their own chairs, and yanked into the pool to thrash and die. The subdued way it’s portrayed only highlights how terrifying the footage is we’re watching.


2. Caddyshack


Y’know, there are a lot of reasons why we don’t want to get in the water. Sharks, monsters and crazed killers are right at the top of the list, but someone dropping a deuce in the pool isn’t that far behind. The comedy classic Caddyshack shows us this fear come to life, and how quickly a group of carefree swimmers can become a stampede. In the words of Kenny Loggins, you may be all right, but we’re going to steer clear of the pool until they give it a good cleaning.


1. Jaws


Da-Dum…Da-Dum…Da-Dum-Da-Dum-Da-Dum! When it comes to movies that make us want to stay out of the water, there’s only one that could top the list. In the summer of 1975, Jaws helped create what we think of as the modern blockbuster, and changed the way we look at our oceans. In fact, the movie made us fear great white sharks so much, we spent the next few decades hunting them to near extinction. So, in a sense, the scariest monster on this list might just be us.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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