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Weird Science

Teens Gone Wild

The 10 Most Sex-Crazed Teens in Movie History

Catch the American Pie movies this month on IFC

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Photo Credit: Universal/Courtesy Everett Collection

Rodney Dangerfield had one of the great lines in movie history, when he exclaimed “we’re all gonna get laid” in the waning moments of Caddyshack. If only it were that easy. While grownup, sexually experienced characters like millionaire golfer Al Czervik seem to have no trouble finding a little action, the history of film is littered with the broken dreams of hormonal teens, desperately trying to do whatever they can to get their groove on. With the Cat movies airing this month on IFC, we thought it was time to salute the biggest horndogs of teen movie history.

10. Joel Goodson, Risky Business

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Perfect student Joel was sick of his celibacy, but thankfully he had a trick up his sleeve. Unlike a lot of the randy teens populating these high school sex comedies, he was willing to pay for it. Really, what’s $300 in the face of not getting any? Who among us wouldn’t trade our parents’ prized glass egg for the best night of our lives?


9. Brad Hamilton, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Let’s be honest: we’ve all been Brad at some point in our lives, fixated on that special someone. And when you get those thoughts going, there’s really only one way to handle it. The trick is, always remember to lock the door!


8. Walter ‘Gib’ Gibson, The Sure Thing

Embassy Pictures

Embassy Pictures

You have to admire Gid’s determination. A cross country road trip sounds like a blast, but it sure is a long way to go for a little action. What’s that, the sure thing he was chasing was a 22 year old Nicollette Sheridan? Okay, we’ll start saving up for bus fare.


7. Minnie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl

Sony Pictures Classics

Sony Pictures Classics

When Minnie puts her mind to something, she gets it done. It just so happens that the thing she wants to get done is her mother’s boyfriend. And once she takes him down, well, there’s no looking back. Thanks to Minnie’s diary, we get to follow her as awkward high school hookups give way to threesomes, lesbian affairs, and eventually drawing comic books. Wait, what? Didn’t see that coming.


6. Gary Wallace, Weird Science

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Unlike other randy teens, Gary actually harnessed his horniness to do great things. Along with his squeaky-voiced pal Wyatt, young Gary programmed a computer to create the perfect woman. Someone get this kid a Playboy mag and tell him to go cure cancer.


5. Gary, The Last American Virgin

Cannon Films

Cannon Films

We feel Gary’s pain. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get any. He brings older ladies pizzas. Offers them fake cocaine. Heck, he even pays for one girl’s abortion. Okay, now that you mention it, maybe he needs to rethink some of his seduction techniques.


4. Brandy Klark, The To Do List

CBS Films

CBS Films

Brandy Klark knows that if you want to get laid, you need a system. Do the hard work. Don’t skimp on anything, from French kissing to motor boating. Just because you have a checklist, doesn’t make you less of a sexual being. It just means you know how to do things correctly.


3. Stifler, American Pie movies

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

In a franchise full of revved up teens, none can really hold a candle to bodacious bro Stifler. His whole life seems dedicated to getting his freak on, or at least telling people he is. Here is a man who will do anything to anyone if there’s even the slightest possibility of getting some action. It shouldn’t be a surprise that it’s revealed he’s become a porn director in American Pie Presents: Band CampThe man always had his priorities straight.


2. Pee Wee, Porky’s

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Most ’80s teen comedies contain at least one scene that would get you arrested today. Porky’s whole plot seems like it would land you behind bars. And none pushed this perverse dance of sexual exploration more than Pee Wee, the nominal lead of the movie, who thought nothing of sticking his member through an open hole in the off chance a girl might touch it. Now that’s dedication. Disturbing dedication.


1. Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Booger took no shortcuts. If it was smoking weed, he smoked the most of it. If it was picking his nose, he picked it the hardest. And if it was being a creep, well, he was the master. Whether it was complimenting a girl’s coconuts, or hitting on those oh so sexy Omega-Mus, he was always looking for a good time.

IFC_FOD_TV_long_haired_businessmen_table

Hacked In

Funny or Die Is Taking Over

FOD TV comes to IFC every Saturday night.

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We’ve been fans of Funny or Die since we first met The Landlord. That enduring love makes it more than logical, then, that IFC is totally cool with FOD hijacking the airwaves every Saturday night. Yes, that’s happening.

The appropriately titled FOD TV looks like something pulled from public access television in the nineties. Like lo-fi broken-antenna reception and warped VHS tapes. Equal parts WTF and UHF.

Get ready for characters including The Shirtless Painter, Long-Haired Businessmen, and Pigeon Man. They’re aptly named, but for a better sense of what’s in store, here’s a taste of ASMR with Kelly Whispers:

Watch FOD TV every Saturday night during IFC’s regularly scheduled movies.

SAE_102_tout_2

Wicked Good

See More Evil

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is on Hulu.

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GIFs via Giphy

Okay, so you missed the entire first season of Stan Against Evil. There’s no shame in that, per se. But here’s the thing: Season 2 is just around the corner and you don’t want to lag behind. After all, Season 1 had some critical character development, not to mention countless plot twists, and a breathless finale cliffhanger that’s been begging for resolution since last fall. It also had this:

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The good news is that you can catch up right now on Hulu. Phew. But if you aren’t streaming yet, here’s a basic primer…

Willards Mill Is Evil

Stan spent his whole career as sheriff oblivious to the fact that his town has a nasty curse. Mostly because his recently-deceased wife was secretly killing demons and keeping Stan alive.

Demons Really Want To Kill Stan

The curse on Willards Mill stipulates that damned souls must hunt and kill each and every town sheriff, or “constable.” Oh, and these demons are shockingly creative.

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They Also Want To Kill Evie

Why? Because Evie’s a sheriff too, and the curse on Willard’s Mill doesn’t have a “one at a time” clause. Bummer, Evie.

Stan and Evie Must Work Together

Beating the curse will take two, baby, but that’s easier said than done because Stan doesn’t always seem to give a damn. Damn!

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Beware of Goats

It goes without saying for anyone who’s seen the show: If you know that ancient evil wants to kill you, be wary of anything that has cloven feet.

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Season 2 Is Lurking

Scary new things are slouching towards Willards Mill. An impending darkness descending on Stan, Evie and their cohort – eviler evil, more demony demons, and whatnot. And if Stan wants to survive, he’ll have to get even Stanlier.

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is now streaming right now on Hulu.

IFC_ComedyCrib_ThePlaceWeLive_SeriesImage_web

SO EXCITED!!!

Reminders that the ’90s were a thing

"The Place We Live" is available for a Jessie Spano-level binge on Comedy Crib.

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Unless you stopped paying attention to the world at large in 1989, you are of course aware that the ’90s are having their pop cultural second coming. Nobody is more acutely aware of this than Dara Katz and Betsy Kenney, two comedians who met doing improv comedy and have just made their Comedy Crib debut with the hilarious ’90s TV throwback series, The Place We Live.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Dara: It’s everything you loved–or loved to hate—from Melrose Place and 90210 but condensed to five minutes, funny (on purpose) and totally absurd.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Betsy: “Hey Todd, why don’t you have a sip of water. Also, I think you’ll love The Place We Live because everyone has issues…just like you, Todd.”

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IFC: When you were living through the ’90s, did you think it was television’s golden age or the pop culture apocalypse?


Betsy: I wasn’t sure I knew what it was, I just knew I loved it!


Dara: Same. Was just happy that my parents let me watch. But looking back, the ’90s honored The Teen. And for that, it’s the golden age of pop culture. 

IFC: Which ’90s shows did you mine for the series, and why?

Betsy: Melrose and 90210 for the most part. If you watch an episode of either of those shows you’ll see they’re a comedic gold mine. In one single episode, they cover serious crimes, drug problems, sex and working in a law firm and/or gallery, all while being young, hot and skinny.


Dara: And almost any series we were watching in the ’90s, Full House, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life has very similar themes, archetypes and really stupid-intense drama. We took from a lot of places. 

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IFC: How would you describe each of the show’s characters in terms of their ’90s TV stereotype?

Dara: Autumn (Sunita Mani) is the femme fatale. Robin (Dara Katz) is the book worm (because she wears glasses). Candace (Betsy Kenney) is Corey’s twin and gives great advice and has really great hair. Corey (Casey Jost) is the boy next door/popular guy. Candace and Corey’s parents decided to live in a car so the gang can live in their house. 
Lee (Jonathan Braylock) is the jock.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Dara: Because everyone’s feeling major ’90s nostalgia right now, and this is that, on steroids while also being a totally new, silly thing.

Delight in the whole season of The Place We Live right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. It’ll take you back in all the right ways.