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Weird Science

Teens Gone Wild

The 10 Most Sex-Crazed Teens in Movie History

Catch the American Pie movies this month on IFC

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Photo Credit: Universal/Courtesy Everett Collection

Rodney Dangerfield had one of the great lines in movie history, when he exclaimed “we’re all gonna get laid” in the waning moments of Caddyshack. If only it were that easy. While grownup, sexually experienced characters like millionaire golfer Al Czervik seem to have no trouble finding a little action, the history of film is littered with the broken dreams of hormonal teens, desperately trying to do whatever they can to get their groove on. With the Cat movies airing this month on IFC, we thought it was time to salute the biggest horndogs of teen movie history.

10. Joel Goodson, Risky Business

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Perfect student Joel was sick of his celibacy, but thankfully he had a trick up his sleeve. Unlike a lot of the randy teens populating these high school sex comedies, he was willing to pay for it. Really, what’s $300 in the face of not getting any? Who among us wouldn’t trade our parents’ prized glass egg for the best night of our lives?


9. Brad Hamilton, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Let’s be honest: we’ve all been Brad at some point in our lives, fixated on that special someone. And when you get those thoughts going, there’s really only one way to handle it. The trick is, always remember to lock the door!


8. Walter ‘Gib’ Gibson, The Sure Thing

Embassy Pictures

Embassy Pictures

You have to admire Gid’s determination. A cross country road trip sounds like a blast, but it sure is a long way to go for a little action. What’s that, the sure thing he was chasing was a 22 year old Nicollette Sheridan? Okay, we’ll start saving up for bus fare.


7. Minnie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl

Sony Pictures Classics

Sony Pictures Classics

When Minnie puts her mind to something, she gets it done. It just so happens that the thing she wants to get done is her mother’s boyfriend. And once she takes him down, well, there’s no looking back. Thanks to Minnie’s diary, we get to follow her as awkward high school hookups give way to threesomes, lesbian affairs, and eventually drawing comic books. Wait, what? Didn’t see that coming.


6. Gary Wallace, Weird Science

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Unlike other randy teens, Gary actually harnessed his horniness to do great things. Along with his squeaky-voiced pal Wyatt, young Gary programmed a computer to create the perfect woman. Someone get this kid a Playboy mag and tell him to go cure cancer.


5. Gary, The Last American Virgin

Cannon Films

Cannon Films

We feel Gary’s pain. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get any. He brings older ladies pizzas. Offers them fake cocaine. Heck, he even pays for one girl’s abortion. Okay, now that you mention it, maybe he needs to rethink some of his seduction techniques.


4. Brandy Klark, The To Do List

CBS Films

CBS Films

Brandy Klark knows that if you want to get laid, you need a system. Do the hard work. Don’t skimp on anything, from French kissing to motor boating. Just because you have a checklist, doesn’t make you less of a sexual being. It just means you know how to do things correctly.


3. Stifler, American Pie movies

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

In a franchise full of revved up teens, none can really hold a candle to bodacious bro Stifler. His whole life seems dedicated to getting his freak on, or at least telling people he is. Here is a man who will do anything to anyone if there’s even the slightest possibility of getting some action. It shouldn’t be a surprise that it’s revealed he’s become a porn director in American Pie Presents: Band CampThe man always had his priorities straight.


2. Pee Wee, Porky’s

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Most ’80s teen comedies contain at least one scene that would get you arrested today. Porky’s whole plot seems like it would land you behind bars. And none pushed this perverse dance of sexual exploration more than Pee Wee, the nominal lead of the movie, who thought nothing of sticking his member through an open hole in the off chance a girl might touch it. Now that’s dedication. Disturbing dedication.


1. Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Booger took no shortcuts. If it was smoking weed, he smoked the most of it. If it was picking his nose, he picked it the hardest. And if it was being a creep, well, he was the master. Whether it was complimenting a girl’s coconuts, or hitting on those oh so sexy Omega-Mus, he was always looking for a good time.

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Rev Up

Your Portlandia Personality Test

The New Portlandia Webseries Is Going Your Way

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Carrie and Fred understand that although we have so much in common, we’re each so beautifully unique and different. To help us navigate those differences, Portlandia has found an easy and honest way to embrace our special selves in the form of a progressive new traffic system: a specific lane for every kind of driver. It’s all in honor of the show’s 8th and final season, and it’s all presented by Subaru.

Ready to find out who you really are? Match your personality to a lane and hop on the expressway to self-understanding.

Lane 10: Trucks Piled With Junk

Your junk is falling out of your trunk. Shake a tail light, people — this lane is for you.

Lane 33: Twins

You’re like a Gemini, but waaaay more pedestrian. Maybe you and a friend just wear the same outfits a lot. Who cares, it’s just twinning enough to make you feel special.

Lane 27: Broken Windows

Bad luck follows you around and everyone knows it. Your proverbial seat is always damp from proverbial rain. Is this the universe telling you to swallow your pride? Yes.

Lane 69: Filthy Cars

You’re all about convenience. Getting your car washed while you drive is a no-brainer.

Lane 43: Newly Divorced Singles

It’s been a while since you’ve driven alone, and you don’t know the rules of the road anymore. What’s too fast? What’s too slow? Are you sending the right signals? Don’t worry, the breakdown lane is nearby if you need it.

Still can’t find a lane to match your personality? Check out all the videos here. And see the final season of Portlandia this spring on IFC.

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Uncle-Buck

Give Back

Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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GIFs via Giphy

Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

via GIPHY

Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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