Weird Science

Teens Gone Wild

The 10 Most Sex-Crazed Teens in Movie History

Catch the American Pie movies this month on IFC

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Photo Credit: Universal/Courtesy Everett Collection

Rodney Dangerfield had one of the great lines in movie history, when he exclaimed “we’re all gonna get laid” in the waning moments of Caddyshack. If only it were that easy. While grownup, sexually experienced characters like millionaire golfer Al Czervik seem to have no trouble finding a little action, the history of film is littered with the broken dreams of hormonal teens, desperately trying to do whatever they can to get their groove on. With the Cat movies airing this month on IFC, we thought it was time to salute the biggest horndogs of teen movie history.

10. Joel Goodson, Risky Business

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Perfect student Joel was sick of his celibacy, but thankfully he had a trick up his sleeve. Unlike a lot of the randy teens populating these high school sex comedies, he was willing to pay for it. Really, what’s $300 in the face of not getting any? Who among us wouldn’t trade our parents’ prized glass egg for the best night of our lives?


9. Brad Hamilton, Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Let’s be honest: we’ve all been Brad at some point in our lives, fixated on that special someone. And when you get those thoughts going, there’s really only one way to handle it. The trick is, always remember to lock the door!


8. Walter ‘Gib’ Gibson, The Sure Thing

Embassy Pictures

Embassy Pictures

You have to admire Gid’s determination. A cross country road trip sounds like a blast, but it sure is a long way to go for a little action. What’s that, the sure thing he was chasing was a 22 year old Nicollette Sheridan? Okay, we’ll start saving up for bus fare.


7. Minnie, The Diary of a Teenage Girl

Sony Pictures Classics

Sony Pictures Classics

When Minnie puts her mind to something, she gets it done. It just so happens that the thing she wants to get done is her mother’s boyfriend. And once she takes him down, well, there’s no looking back. Thanks to Minnie’s diary, we get to follow her as awkward high school hookups give way to threesomes, lesbian affairs, and eventually drawing comic books. Wait, what? Didn’t see that coming.


6. Gary Wallace, Weird Science

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

Unlike other randy teens, Gary actually harnessed his horniness to do great things. Along with his squeaky-voiced pal Wyatt, young Gary programmed a computer to create the perfect woman. Someone get this kid a Playboy mag and tell him to go cure cancer.


5. Gary, The Last American Virgin

Cannon Films

Cannon Films

We feel Gary’s pain. No matter what he does, he can’t seem to get any. He brings older ladies pizzas. Offers them fake cocaine. Heck, he even pays for one girl’s abortion. Okay, now that you mention it, maybe he needs to rethink some of his seduction techniques.


4. Brandy Klark, The To Do List

CBS Films

CBS Films

Brandy Klark knows that if you want to get laid, you need a system. Do the hard work. Don’t skimp on anything, from French kissing to motor boating. Just because you have a checklist, doesn’t make you less of a sexual being. It just means you know how to do things correctly.


3. Stifler, American Pie movies

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

In a franchise full of revved up teens, none can really hold a candle to bodacious bro Stifler. His whole life seems dedicated to getting his freak on, or at least telling people he is. Here is a man who will do anything to anyone if there’s even the slightest possibility of getting some action. It shouldn’t be a surprise that it’s revealed he’s become a porn director in American Pie Presents: Band CampThe man always had his priorities straight.


2. Pee Wee, Porky’s

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Most ’80s teen comedies contain at least one scene that would get you arrested today. Porky’s whole plot seems like it would land you behind bars. And none pushed this perverse dance of sexual exploration more than Pee Wee, the nominal lead of the movie, who thought nothing of sticking his member through an open hole in the off chance a girl might touch it. Now that’s dedication. Disturbing dedication.


1. Booger, Revenge of the Nerds

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Booger took no shortcuts. If it was smoking weed, he smoked the most of it. If it was picking his nose, he picked it the hardest. And if it was being a creep, well, he was the master. Whether it was complimenting a girl’s coconuts, or hitting on those oh so sexy Omega-Mus, he was always looking for a good time.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Dark Arts

Foot Fetish Jesus And Other Nightmares

Meet the minds behind Comedy Crib's latest series, Quirks and The Mirror.

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The Mirror and Quirks are really, really strange. Deeply disturbing yet hauntingly beautiful. But you really don’t need to read a synopsis of either of the aforementioned shows to understand the exact variety of nightmare-bonkers comedy these shows deliver — that’s why the good lord made links. Instead, take a peek behind the curtain and meet the creators.

Quirks

Let’s start with Kevin Tosi. Kevin does the whole show by himself. That doesn’t mean he’s a loner — Kevin has a day job with actual humans. But that day job is copywriting. So it’s only natural that his suppressed demons would manifest themselves in biting cartoon form, including “Foot Fetish Jesus”, in ways that somehow speak to all of us. If only all copywriters channeled their inner f*ckedupness into such…expressive art.

The Mirror

Onward to the folks at Wham City Comedy.

These guys aren’t your typical comedy collective in that their work is way more left-field and even elevated than your standard digital short. More funny weird than funny ha-ha. They’ve done collaborations with musicians like Beach House, Dan Deacon & Wye Oak, television networks (obviously), and others. Yeah they get paid, but their motivation feels deeper. Darker. Most of them are video artists, and that explains a lot.

See more of The Mirror and Quirks on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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