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Let's Party

10 One-liners That Prove Commando Is the Ultimate Arnold Movie

Catch IFC's Movie Madness throughout the month of March.

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Photo Credit: 20th Century Fox/Everett Collection

Every Arnold Schwarzenegger movie contains great one-liners, but Commando is basically a master class on how to deliver a joke after you’ve just impaled a dude with a steam pipe. Over the course of 90 blissful minutes, Arnie’s John Matrix deals out both physical and verbal “pun-ishment” in equal measure as he takes down the bad guys who kidnapped his daughter. To celebrate John Matrix’s inclusion in IFC’s Movie Madness, take a look at 10 one-liners that prove that Commando is the ultimate Ah-nuld movie.

1. “You’re a funny guy Sully. I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.”

And Arnold definitely knows funny. After all, he starred in Junior.


2. “I’ll be back, Bennett.”

illbeback

Arnie’s most famous line is put to good use here a year after it made its debut in The Terminator and decades before it became a tired pop culture reference


3. “He’s dead tired.”

Colonel John Matrix is nothing if not thoughtful. Here he gives his kidnapper a blanket and asks the stewardess to make sure his friend isn’t disturbed during his (eternal) slumber.


4. “I eat Green Berets for breakfast. And right now I’m very hungry.”

Green berets, the breakfast of champions. This scene gets bonus points for pitting Bill Duke against Arnold two years before they would hunt an alien together in Predator.


5. “Remember, Sully, when I promised to kill you last? I lied.”

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John Matrix is a man of his word. After all, he did say he was going to kill Sully. He just may have fudged the timing a bit.


6. “I let him go.”

John’s reply to Cindy when she asks what happened to Sully couldn’t be more on-the-nose. Poor Cindy probably thinks John allowed Sully to escape unscathed.


7. “I remember you…scumbag!”

Scumbag Commando

John Matrix never forgets a face. Specifically when it’s attached to a scumbag.


8. “Let’s party.”

Commando Let's Party

Bennett’s first mistake was bringing an Uzi to a knife fight. Also threatening the daughter of a dude who can hurl a steam pipe right through you. Which brings us to…


9. “Let off some steam Bennett.”

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This one-liner has it all: impossible feats of strength, shocking violence, and a perfect pun.


10. “Just Bodies.”

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John Matrix, singlehandedly cutting down on military spending since 1985.

Watch Dick Vitale give a Commando play-by-play, baby! 

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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