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Austin City Tidbits

10 Things You Need to Know Before Moving to Austin

Fred moves to Austin in an all-new Portlandia tonight at 10P on IFC.

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This week on Portlandia, co-star Fred Armisen does the unthinkable. Abandoning the very heart of the show and rendering its title geographically incorrect, he decides to move to Austin. Sure, the laid-back, artist-friendly atmosphere would be a painless transition, but there are a few things you should keep in mind before you move there.

Here are some facts about Austin you need to know. And check out Fred’s journey to Austin on an all-new Portlandia tonight at 10P on IFC. (Click here to find IFC on your TV in your area.)

1. It’s home to the largest urban bat colony in North America.

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Accommodating 750,000 bats in the spring and summer — with population spikes to 1.5 million during the peak season — Austin is no place for chiroptophobics. (Yes, we had to look it up.) With this staggering bat to belfry ratio, it’s the perfect city for nocturnal crimefighters and goths really into “theme” funerals.


2. It’s the exact opposite of Portland (sun-wise).

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The Pacific Northwest isn’t known for its overbearing sunlight, and with less than 40% of sunny days per year, Portland isn’t exactly home to scorching driveways you can fry an egg on. Compare that to Austin, whose 300 days of sun per year will clear that vitamin D deficiency right up.


3. It’s the birthplace of Whole Foods.

Fred Armisen Whole Foods

Started in 1978 by two college dropouts and a $45,000 loan, Whole Foods is an organic gourmand’s American dream. Cuisine-focused Portlanders would find the transition easy to make, and those open to the whole squatting scene will be pleased to know Whole Foods’ founders briefly lived in their first shop and bathed in the dishwasher.


4. It’s also one of the healthiest cities in America.

IFC Originals

Whole Foods wasn’t an aberration. Healthy living’s a big priority in Austin and largely responsible for the 250 gyms, yoga studios, healthy restaurants, and health food stores throughout the city. But bear in mind, not every yoga partner’s going to have your best interests in mind.


5. It’s super dog-friendly.

Lovers of our four-legged friends will be pleased to discover that Austin holds our furry pals in the highest regard. Dog Fancy dubbed the city “DogTown USA,” and its many off-leash parks, swimming holes, and retailers catering to canines ought to keep the ankle-biters happy and Portland’s many animal activists from interrupting other people’s lunches.


6. It’s a haven for artists and musicians.

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If you happen to be handy with a brush or a guitar pick in Texas, then chances are you’re an Austinite. The city has the highest number of artists and musicians per capita in the entire state, making it a huge draw for fiscally challenged creatives.


7. It’s officially the Live Music Capital of the World.

Adopting the name in 1991, Austin hosts nearly 200 live music venues around town, thereby earning it another “per capita” claim: most live music venues. In fact, if concert bookers aren’t careful, they run the risk of double-booking two different Flaming Lips.


8. It’s a city of dedicated bookworms.

Fans of the printed word are sure to meet fellow hardbackers in Austin. Residents frequent their local bookshops with such frequency, the city draws the highest annual bookstore sales in the country, at nearly $200 per household. Of course, it’s best to know what the store owners are like ahead of time.


9. The Alamo Drafthouse is the best place to catch a movie.

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Heralded as the finest movie theater in the country, Austin’s Alamo Drafthouse is paradise for the discerning cinemagoer. With a strict “no talking or texting” policy and prohibitive access for unaccompanied minors, it’s a far cry from the distraction free-for-all that is your local multiplex.


10. It’s basically the Portland of the South.

Packed to the gills with artists, musicians, hipsters, freaks, and oddballs that continues to “Keep Austin Weird,” the city has almost all of the elements that makes Portland, Oregon just as eccentric. And we hear that its mayor bares a striking resemblance to Portland’s mayor, albeit with a sweet ‘stache.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
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Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
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Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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