Blades of Glory

Turn Up the Thermostat

10 Memorably Frosty Movie Characters

Catch Batman Returns and Batman & Robin throughout December on IFC.

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Paramount/courtesy Everett Collection

If there’s one thing Hollywood isn’t short on, it’s ice queens (both literal and metaphorical), cold-blooded killers, and chilly villains. Like Batman & Robins Mr. Freeze, these frosty movie characters will have you reaching for the thermostat all year long. Okay, fine, Mom, we’ll go “put on a sweater”  instead! Is it getting colder in here, or is it just us?

1. Penguin, Batman Returns

In the hands of director Tim Burton and a delightfully game Danny DeVito, Oswald Cobblepot, neé Penguin, is one of the more nefarious villains Batman has faced onscreen, especially in comparison with the pun-loving Mr. Freeze of Joel Schumacher’s candy-colored Batman & Robin just five years later. He kidnaps babies and ice princesses, bites people’s noses, and pushes victims off roofs to their deaths. Oh, and he also manipulates Gotham into electing him Mayor by playing into their fears and creating mass hysteria. Fun fact: Screenwriter Daniel Waters (Heathers) specifically wrote the role for DeVito.


2. Jadis the White Witch, The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, & The Wardrobe

It would be difficult not to fall under the spell of Jadis, the White Witch of Narnia; so beguiling is she when we first see her arrive in a beautiful sleigh pulled by white reindeer. We soon discover, however, Jadis is a ruthless, manipulative, tyrannical ruler who turns all who disobey her to stone and has blanketed Narnia in endless winter (“but never Christmas!”) for over a hundred years, fearing her power will be usurped in a fulfillment of a prophecy that two Sons of Adam and two Daughters of Eve will cause her great downfall. First embodied by Barbara Kellerman in the 1988 BBC television adaption, the ever transformative Tilda Swinton won raves for her portrayal in the 2005 film, simultaneously seducing and terrorizing a whole new generation of visitors to Narnia.


3. The Winter Warlock, Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town

Rankin/Bass gave us a slew of classic, occasionally bizarre (see Rudolph and Frosty’s Christmas in July and The Life and Adventures of Santa Claus) Christmas specials during the course of their 27-year partnership (the production arm of Rankin Bass Inc. shuttered in 1987). Their 1970 special, Santa Claus is Comin’ To Town, falls squarely within the classic end of the spectrum, and its villain-turned-hero, the Winter Warlock, has become one of the more beloved stop-motion characters to appear on our television screens. Winter (voiced by Keenan Wynn), as he’s called for short, has been scaring trespassers on his lands for years before our loving hero, Kris (Mickey Rooney), melts his heart by giving him a toy train as a gift. And because this is a feel-good children’s movie, Winter learns how to be a kinder person through a highly catchy, semi-inspirational song, “Put One Foot in Front of the Other.” If only every winter could be so easily tamed…


4. Stranz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg, Blades of Glory

The real world of figure skating has seen its fair share of campy routines and costumes, slightly creepy pairings, and outright backstabbing (Tonya and Nancy in 1994 anyone?) but conniving siblings Stanz and Fairchild Van Waldenberg (Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, respectively) of Blades of Glory might just be the creepiest and campiest of all, fictional or otherwise. With a penchant for slightly incestuous routine themes (“Forbidden Romance” featuring JFK/Marilyn Monroe), these reigning U.S. National Pairs Champions will do anything to keep same-sex pair Chazz Michael Michaels (Will Ferrell) and Jimmy MacElroy (Jon Heder) from taking the gold at the World Winter Sport Games, including blackmailing their little sister, Katie (Jenna Fischer) into helping them. Thanks to the perfect casting of Will Arnett and Amy Poehler, Stranz and Fairchild not only have double axels in their arsenal, they’ve got plenty of snippy one-liners, proving their tongues are just as sharp as their skates.


5. Dolores Umbridge, Harry Potter & The Order of the Phoenix

Depending on who you ask, Dolores Umbridge (a perfectly cast and terrifying Imelda Staunton) may be more hated than Voldemort in the Harry Potter series and not without reason. Though she dresses head-to-toe in violent shades of pink, has kitten pictures all over the walls, and says everything with a smile, make no mistake the Senior Undersecretary to the Minister of Magic turned Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher has a much darker agenda. From hating “half-breeds” to using cruel and unusual punishments against students to passing numerous “Educational Decrees” banning various types of objects and behaviors to having professors fired, Umbridge was a major source of ire for everyone at Hogwarts (except maybe Draco Malfoy). Author J.K. Rowling herself has said she feels the “purest dislike” for Umbridge. We’d say Voldemort is worse, but we “must not tell lies.”


6. The Thing, The Thing

Here’s the thing about The Thing: in John Carpenter’s 1982 cult classic film, you’re never quite sure who is still human and who is being imitated by the parasitic alien of the title. In fact, both Carpenter and star Kurt Russell have said that at various points in the film, even they aren’t sure who is who. Thus, anyone and everyone at the American research base in frozen, desolate Antarctica can be the villain, leading to an overwhelming sense of paranoia among its inhabitants with chilling results. Interestingly, The Thing and Blade Runner both opened the same day in 1982 to mixed reviews but are now both hailed as sci-fi classics by audiences and critics alike. Case in point? It’s tradition for the crew at the Amundsen-Scott South Pole Station in Antarctica to watch The Thing on the first evening of winter each year. Also, Quentin Tarantino reportedly used unused music from legendary composer Ennio Morricone’s score for The Thing for his upcoming film, The Hateful Eight, which is perfect given both films star the ever irascible Kurt Russell.


7. Annie Wilkes, Misery

Kathy Bates is no stranger to playing off-kilter characters, but none are quite as terrifying as Colorado nurse Annie Wilkes, who is definitely a cautionary tale of taking fangirling to the extreme (Tumblr, beware!). There are no lengths to which Annie will not go in order to force kidnapped author, Paul (James Caan), to resurrect her favorite character, Misery, including drugging him and, famously, breaking his feet with a sledgehammer. Though she won the Best Actress Oscar, Bates reportedly had a difficult time filming the more violent scenes, crying in between takes and was actually the third choice for the role behind Anjelica Huston and Bette Midler.


8. Miranda Frost, Die Another Day

The James Bond franchise has never been one for subtlety in its naming of characters (Pussy Galore, anyone?), so it comes as no surprise that Miranda Frost winds up being quite literally the frosty femme fatale of Pierce Brosnan’s last turn as the superspy. Played by a pre-Gone Girl Rosamund Pike, Miranda is a former Olympic fencer turned publicist for baddie billionaire, Gustav Graves (Toby Stephens), by way of MI6. Ever the cool-headed woman, she seduces Bond in a room at Graves’ Icelandic ice palace before revealing her true allegiances in a standoff between Graves and Bond the following day. During Pike’s press tour for Gone Girl, the press nicknamed her “Bond Girl to Gone Girl,” because of how similar her characters are in both films: blonde, cold-hearted, and out for blood.


9. Box, Logan’s Run

The year is 2274, and humans live in a utopia of sorts, except no one gets to live past the age of 30. So naturally when Runners Logan 5 and Jessica 6 attempt to escape, they’re almost killed by a food-gathering robot named Box (Roscoe Lee Brown) in his frozen cave. Box has a certain predilection for freezing Runners like artwork and keeping them in an icy gallery of sorts. A much longer version of this ice cave sequence was shot where Box asks Logan and Jessica to pose for his ice sculpture (What is this, Titanic?), but was ultimately cut due to extensive nudity and fears it would not pass the MGM censors. Because of the size and construction of his costume, actor Roscoe Lee Brown often had trouble moving and especially getting back up if he fell over on set.


10. Catherine Tramell, Basic Instinct

It was the leg-crossing seen round the world; one that has come to define the manipulative, mysterious novelist Catherine Tramell (a tour-de-force performance from Sharon Stone). After being accused of murdering her rock star boyfriend with an ice pick, Catherine strikes up an affair with the detective, Nick (Michael Douglas), assigned to her case. Thus, the ultimate cat-and-mouse game begins with Catherine using her sexual prowess as a means of achieving her own agenda. Like Nick, you’re never really sure if Catherine is the killer, but one look from Sharon Stone’s icy facade is enough to leave anyone dead in their tracks.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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GIFs via Giphy

Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Mirror, Mirror

Portlandia Season 7 In Hindsight

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available Online and on the IFC App.

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Another season of Portlandia is behind us, and oh what a season it was. We laughed. We cried. And we chuckled uncomfortably while glancing nervously around the room. Like every season before it, the latest Portlandia has held a mirror up to ridiculousness of modern American life, but more than ever that same mirror has reflected our social reality in ways that are at once hysterical and sneakily thought-provoking. Here are just a few of the issues they tackled:

Nationalism

So long, America, Portland is out! And yes, the idea of Portland seceding is still less ludicrous than building a wall.

Men’s Rights

We all saw this coming. Exit gracefully, dudes.

Protests

Whatever you stand for, stand for it together. Or with at least one other person.

Free Love

No matter who we are or how we love, deep down we all have the ability to get stalky.

Social Status

Modern self-esteem basically hinges on likes, so this isn’t really a stretch at all.

These moments are just the tip of the iceberg, and much more can be found in the full seventh season of #Portlandia, available right now #online and on the #IFC app.

via GIPHY

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