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Looking Back at the Cold War Fever Dream of Red Dawn

Red Dawn

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Legend has it that Walter Sobchak, John Goodman’s iconic character from The Big Lebowski, was based on John Milius, director of ’80s classics such as Conan the Barbarian and Red Dawn. He was very fond of his guns, and was known to show off his pistols to studio executives during meetings. Milius never served in Vietnam, and didn’t watch anybody die face-down in the mud, but boy he wishes he did.

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I feel like knowing this is integral to truly appreciating Red Dawn.

Almost 30 years after its release, MGM decided to remake Red Dawn in 2012, an odd choice considering that Red Dawn is about as “of its own time” as it gets. The Cold War’s over. Who’s invading us now? China? (Answer: kind of. Sort of. Not really.) The original Red Dawn was a gritty, dour, proselytizing polemic piggybacking on the anxieties of an increasingly conservative culture during the twilight of the Cold War. Its remake was a typical, mid-budget actioneer piggybacking on the anxieties of nostalgia and brand name recognition.

There is no reason to remake Red Dawn other than a general sense of a recognizable property, as unless we’re replacing the Soviets and Cubans with, say, aliens, the tale of a group of salt of the earth teenage guerrilla fighters fending off a land invasion of the United States doesn’t make too much sense. But who cares? I’m going to compare them anyway. Let’s take a look at what happens when one tries to remake a Cold War fever dream for the modern age.

(c)MGM/courtesy Everett Collection

(c)MGM/courtesy Everett Collection

Even with the original, one must suspend a metric fuckload of disbelief to accept that, even if the entire population of the rest of the world allied against the United States, a successful land invasion would be possible. This whole conceit would be hilarious if there weren’t so many people who considered this situation in any way viable. The Sobchaks of the world, if you will.

Patrick Swayze (who was thirty-two-years-old in 1984) plays young Jed, who with his brother Matt (Charlie Sheen) and some of their classmates manage to escape into the wilderness when their small town in Colorado is suddenly invaded by paratroopers. The invading force appears to be Cubans and Central Americans backed by the Soviet Union, but it might as well be the United States government who’s invading to round you up into FEMA camps and take your guns.

Fortunately, Jed and his brother were raised by a father who taught his boys the joys of hunting and the importance of responsible gun ownership, as well as to suppress un-manly things like human emotion. When they see their father for the last time, rounded up in a “reeducation camp,” he tells his sons never to cry again, as long as they live. In fairness, Swayze makes some rather unpleasant noises when he cries in this movie.

The bad guys in the original Red Dawn are portrayed in a much more unsympathetic light than in the remake, forcing citizens to dig their own graves before being lined up for mass execution as the Soviet anthem blares. Jed and Matt witness their father killed in one of these mass executions. Before the triggers are pulled, the condemned start defiantly singing an off-key “America The Beautiful” in an attempt to drown out the Soviet anthem. It would be the stuff of beautiful pastiche if it weren’t shot with such gruesome sincerity. Milius is not going for camp here. Oh no, son. This director has a vision.

An awful lot of movie goes down before these kids decide to militarize, unlike in the remake where they decide to fight back almost immediately. How these kids, brought up on hunting and fishing, learned how to use all this military equipment better than the Russians and the Cubans I’m not sure, but then again this is a Cold War revenge fantasy.

But if you thought the combined might of the Soviet Union and Central America was a stretch, get ready for North Korea. Let’s look at the remake.

©Open Road Films/Courtesy Everett Collection

©Open Road Films/Courtesy Everett Collection

“North Korea?” says a Wolverine early on. “It doesn’t make any sense.” Indeed it doesn’t, as the film was originally shot with China in mind. Because anxiety, sure, but mostly because it’s the more, uh, feasible scenario?

(In a hilarious twist, China appears to be on our side in the original. And yet the combined might of China and the United States still have a hard time fending off the Soviets? Still?)

I must assume the studio had eyes on a younger audience, casting Josh Hutcherson and Chris Hemsworth, who starred in The Hunger Games and Thor, respectively. Once again the invaders land in suburbia instead of, you know, military targets. But then again it would be pretty hard to make a story about a citizen militia if that were the case. Where in the original they invaded America because they wanted our crops, here they appear to be invading because fuck you. However, the remake isn’t straining so hard to reach some form of ideological purity, mostly because it seems wholly uninterested in ideology– look at how easy it was to change the bad guy from China to North Korea. The lack of conviction almost makes you miss Milius.

Hemsworth’s character is a Marine, so it makes sense that he’d actually be trained in how to be useful, unlike Jed Prime and Matt Prime, who only know how to hunt and build campfires. “When I was overseas, we were the good guys. We enforced order,” Hemsworth tells his guerilla troops, deluding himself. “Well, now we’re the bad guys. We create chaos.” Huh?

It’s a bit of a stretch to discuss theme in the Red Dawn remake, because that implies they were going for one, but we’re going to try to do it anyway. There are some scenes where speakers propagandize against the American greed and corporate irresponsibility that lead to the bad economy. So, like all Obama-era everything, this invasion is somehow about the economy.

This is probably at least partially a result of the PG-13 rating, but the remake also pulls far more punches. None of the Wolverines murder any prisoners of war, or one of their own. In the original, the Wolverines execute one POW and one friend-turned-traitor. The POW reminds Jed that the Geneva Conventions exist. “I ain’t never heard of it!” Jed shouts, shooting his prisoner.

There is no Benedict Arnold character in the remake like in the original Red Dawn — one of them does have a tracker, but hey, he doesn’t know about it (and therefore nobody has to execute him). It keeps everyone’s hands clean, and carries zero emotional punch, despite it leading to Hemsworth’s inglorious headshot. It’s an odd inclusion, frankly, since it comes about four minutes before the movie ends and doesn’t build to anything other than, hey, it was in the original (sort of).

The remake did keep the scene where Thor makes Peeta drink deer blood, although in this version, it’s not out of some reverence to some made-up Native American mysticism, but because they’re fucking with him.

There is a certain charm to the original Red Dawn, the gritty “war is hell” realism baked into cake made from the finest ingredients of batshit insanity. Say what you want about the Swayze/Sheen Red Dawn, at least it had an audience, and boy if it didn’t speak to it. Aside from the aging fans of the original, itself a teensy niche market, few theatergoers in the younger demographic are interested in war dramas. Why remake Red Dawn when you have no Red Dawn-worthy adversary to rail against? When you can’t even commit to an adversary in the first place?

I’m not sure who the audience was for the remake, other than the evergreen audience of brand name recognition and retaining film licenses. What do you think, Walter?

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Click here to see all upcoming showings of Red Dawn on IFC.

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

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Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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WTF Films

Artfully Off

Celebrity All-Star by Sisters Weekend is available now on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Sisters Weekend isn’t like other comedy groups. It’s filmmaking collaboration between besties Angelo Balassone, Michael Fails and Kat Tadesco, self-described lace-front addicts with great legs who write, direct, design and produce video sketches and cinematic shorts that are so surreally hilarious that they defy categorization. One such short film, Celebrity All-Star, is the newest addition to IFC’s Comedy Crib. Here’s what they had to say about it in a very personal email interview…

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IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Celebrity All-Star is a short film about an overworked reality TV coordinator struggling to save her one night off after the cast of C-List celebrities she wrangles gets locked out of their hotel rooms.

IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Sisters Weekend: It’s this short we made for IFC where a talent coordinator named Karen babysits a bunch of weird c-list celebs who are stuck in a hotel bar. It’s everyone you hate from reality TV under one roof – and that roof leaks because it’s a 2-star hotel. There’s a magician, sexy cowboys, and a guy wearing a belt that sucks up his farts.

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IFC: What was the genesis of Celebrity All-Star?

Celebrity All-Star was born from our love of embarrassing celebrities. We love a good c-lister in need of a paycheck! We were really interested in the canned politeness people give off when forced to mingle with strangers. The backstory we created is that the cast of this reality show called “Celebrity All-Star” is in the middle of a mandatory round of “get to know each other” drinks in the hotel bar when the room keys stop working. Shows like Celebrity Ghost Hunters and of course The Surreal Life were of inspo, but we thought it
was funny to keep it really vague what kind of show they’re on, and just focus on everyone’s diva antics after the cameras stop rolling.

IFC: Every celebrity in Celebrity All-Star seems familiar. What real-life pop personalities did you look to for inspiration?

Sisters Weekend: Anyone who is trying to plug their branded merch that no one asked for. We love low-rent celebrity. We did, however, directly reference Kylie Jenner’s turd-raison lip color for our fictional teen celebutante Gibby Kyle (played by Mary Houlihan).

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IFC: Celebrity seems disgusting yet desirable. What’s your POV? Do you crave it, hate it, or both?

Sisters Weekend: A lot of people chase fame. If you’re practical, you’ll likely switch to chasing success and if you’re smart, you’ll hopefully switch to chasing happiness. But also, “We need money. We need hits. Hits bring money, money bring power, power bring fame, fame change the game,” Young Thug.

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IFC: Who are your comedy idols?

Sisters Weekend: Mike grew up renting “Monty Python” tapes from the library and staying up late to watch 2000’s SNL, Kat was super into Andy Kaufman and “Kids In The Hall” in high school, and Angelo was heavily influenced by “Strangers With Candy” and Anna Faris in the Scary Movie franchise, so, our comedy heroes mesh from all over. But, also we idolize a lot of the people we work with in NY-  Lorelei Ramirez, Erin Markey, Mary Houlihan, who are all in the film, Amy Zimmer, Ana Fabrega, Patti Harrison, Sam Taggart. Geniuses! All of Em!

IFC: What’s your favorite moment from the film?

Sisters Weekend: I mean…seeing Mary Houlihan scream at an insane Pomeranian on an iPad is pretty great.

See Sisters Weekend right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib

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Reality? Check.

Baroness For Life

Baroness von Sketch Show is available for immediate consumption.

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Baroness von Sketch Show is snowballing as people have taken note of its subtle and not-so-subtle skewering of everyday life. The New York Times, W Magazine, and Vogue have heaped on the praise, but IFC had a few more probing questions…

IFC: To varying degrees, your sketches are simply scripted examples of things that actually happen. What makes real life so messed up?

Aurora: Hubris, Ego and Selfish Desires and lack of empathy.

Carolyn: That we’re trapped together in the 3rd Dimension.

Jenn: 1. Other people 2. Other people’s problems 3. Probably something I did.

IFC: A lot of people I know have watched this show and realized, “Dear god, that’s me.” or “Dear god, that’s true.” Why do people have their blinders on?

Aurora: Because most people when you’re in the middle of a situation, you don’t have the perspective to step back and see yourself because you’re caught up in the moment. That’s the job of comedians is to step back and have a self-awareness about these things, not only saying “You’re doing this,” but also, “You’re not the only one doing this.” It’s a delicate balance of making people feel uncomfortable and comforting them at the same time.

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IFC: Unlike a lot of popular sketch comedy, your sketches often focus more on group dynamics vs iconic individual characters. Why do you think that is and why is it important?

Meredith: We consider the show to be more based around human dynamics, not so much characters. If anything we’re more attracted to the energy created by people interacting.

Jenn: So much of life is spent trying to work it out with other people, whether it’s at work, at home, trying to commute to work, or even on Facebook it’s pretty hard to escape the group.

IFC: Are there any comedians out there that you feel are just nailing it?

Aurora: I love Key and Peele. I know that their show is done and I’m in denial about it, but they are amazing because there were many times that I would imagine that Keegan Michael Key was in the scene while writing. If I could picture him saying it, I knew it would work. I also kind of have a crush on Jordan Peele and his performance in Big Mouth. Maya Rudolph also just makes everything amazing. Her puberty demon on Big Mouth is flawless. She did an ad for 7th generation tampons that my son, my husband and myself were singing around the house for weeks. If I could even get anything close to her career, I would be happy. I’m also back in love with Rick and Morty. I don’t know if I have a crush on Justin Roiland, I just really love Rick (maybe even more than Morty). I don’t have a crush on Jerry, the dad, but I have a crush on Chris Parnell because he’s so good at being Jerry.

Jenn: I LOVE ISSA RAE!

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IFC: If you could go back in time and cast yourselves in any sitcom, which would it be and how would it change?

Carolyn: I’d go back in time and cast us in The Partridge Family.  We’d make an excellent family band. We’d have a laugh, break into song and wear ruffled blouses with velvet jackets.  And of course travel to all our gigs on a Mondrian bus. I feel really confident about this choice.

Meredith: Electric Mayhem from The Muppet Show. It wouldn’t change, they were simply perfect, except… maybe a few more vaginas in the band.

Binge the entire first and second seasons of Baroness von Sketch Show now on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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