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DID YOU READ

The Worst Movies Starring Wrestlers

Mr Nanny

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Professional wrestling is a strange art form – equal parts modern dance, gymnastics and theatre. Its practitioners need to be able to express emotions to TV cameras and people in the cheap seats with equal skill. Unfortunately, that skill doesn’t translate so well to other forms of acting, as the flicks in this list will aptly illustrate. Join us as we bodyslam these cinematic abominations and find out who claims the title of the worst wrestling actor of all time.

10. See No Evil

Expect the cinematic powerhouse that is WWE Films to secure more than a few spots on this list. After the Rock made himself a bona-fide movie star, Vince McMahon figured he could repeat the feat with some of his other roided-out grapplers. One unlikely star was Glenn Thomas Jacobs, aka Kane, the Undertaker’s half-brother who used to be horribly disfigured and also once wrestled as Jerry Lawler’s dentist and went by the name Isaac Yankem. (Wrestling, folks!) See No Evil cast him as the monster in a Z-grade horror flick that somehow still spawned a sequel.


9. Santa’s Slay

For a while it looked like Bill Goldberg was going to be wrestling’s next breakout star, but the former NFL player never managed to extend his fame too far outside the squared circle. Starring in dreck like Santa’s Slay — where he played a violent, insane Saint Nick decking the halls with gore while riding around on a sleigh driven by demonic “hell-deer” — didn’t help matters much.


8. Mr. Nanny

For a brief period during the early ’90s, Hulk Hogan attempted to have a second career in family cinema with movies like Suburban Commando and this unwatchable drek about a wrestler who becomes a bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids. Even as Home Alone knockoffs go, this one is particularly dreadful.


7. The Chaperone

Triple H has been smart enough to recognize his limitations and stay out of movies for the most part, but somehow he got roped into starring in the family comedy The Chaperone for WWE Films. As criminal driver trying to go straight Ray Bradstone, HHH stinks it up for an interminable 103 minutes of sub-Smokey and the Bandit shenanigans.


6. Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe

Jesse “The Body” Ventura has starred in a couple all-time great action movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but when he stepped out on his own in the lead role things didn’t work out so well. Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe is an incoherent 1990 sci-fi flick where Ventura plays an alien cop hunting down a little kid that could mean the end of the universe. It’s dire even by late-’80s sci-fi standards.


5. Tooth Fairy

The Rock has proven that he has box office mojo across a number of very successful flicks, but you can’t win them all. 2010’s Tooth Fairy was an absolute flop, casting him as a minor-league hockey player who through an absurd contrivance has to take over for the magical pixie that swipes teeth from under pillows. He did his level best, but the flick is rotten to the core.


4. Knucklehead

It’s tough to be Paul Wight – remember, he was once billed as the son of Andre the Giant, who made a splash in The Princess Bride. Wight, aka The Big Show, however, has had less luck on the silver screen. As the protagonist of dire WWE Films production Knucklehead, he plays a clumsy, moronic leviathan who has to save his orphanage while enduring a nearly-endless stream of fart jokes.


3. River Of Darkness

Olympian and American hero Kurt Angle starred in this unspeakably awful drama alongside fellow wrestlers Kevin Nash and Sid Vicious. Angle plays a small-town sheriff investigating a series of bizarre murders, only to discover a horrible secret from the past has returned to…oh, Jesus, why am I trying to make this movie sound interesting? It’s not. Massive plot holes, incompetent cinematography and Angle’s complete lack of acting talent make it a very dark river indeed.


2. Santa With Muscles

It’s a tough call picking just one Hulk Hogan movie for this list because outside of Rocky III and the so-bad-it’s good No Holds Barred, the Orange Goblin’s filmography could easily take all ten spots. His absolute nadir probably came with Santa With Muscles, an incoherent family film where he plays an asshole millionaire who gets amnesia in a Santa costume and becomes convinced that he’s the real Kris Kringle. Oh, and there’s an orphanage in it, and underneath that orphanage is a cave filled with valuable crystals, because nothing has to make sense in Hogan-world.


1. Ready To Rumble

WCW loaned a number of their stars to this insanely awful comedy starring David Arquette. Sure, the wrestlers just had to “be themselves,” but most of them failed at even that. The absolute worst thing about Ready To Rumble is that, in a moronic promotional move, WCW actually gave David Arquette the title of World Heavyweight Championship, devaluing the belt forever in the eyes of the fans.

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Hacked In

Funny or Die Is Taking Over

FOD TV comes to IFC every Saturday night.

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We’ve been fans of Funny or Die since we first met The Landlord. That enduring love makes it more than logical, then, that IFC is totally cool with FOD hijacking the airwaves every Saturday night. Yes, that’s happening.

The appropriately titled FOD TV looks like something pulled from public access television in the nineties. Like lo-fi broken-antenna reception and warped VHS tapes. Equal parts WTF and UHF.

Get ready for characters including The Shirtless Painter, Long-Haired Businessmen, and Pigeon Man. They’re aptly named, but for a better sense of what’s in store, here’s a taste of ASMR with Kelly Whispers:

Watch FOD TV every Saturday night during IFC’s regularly scheduled movies.

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Wicked Good

See More Evil

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is on Hulu.

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Okay, so you missed the entire first season of Stan Against Evil. There’s no shame in that, per se. But here’s the thing: Season 2 is just around the corner and you don’t want to lag behind. After all, Season 1 had some critical character development, not to mention countless plot twists, and a breathless finale cliffhanger that’s been begging for resolution since last fall. It also had this:

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The good news is that you can catch up right now on Hulu. Phew. But if you aren’t streaming yet, here’s a basic primer…

Willards Mill Is Evil

Stan spent his whole career as sheriff oblivious to the fact that his town has a nasty curse. Mostly because his recently-deceased wife was secretly killing demons and keeping Stan alive.

Demons Really Want To Kill Stan

The curse on Willards Mill stipulates that damned souls must hunt and kill each and every town sheriff, or “constable.” Oh, and these demons are shockingly creative.

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They Also Want To Kill Evie

Why? Because Evie’s a sheriff too, and the curse on Willard’s Mill doesn’t have a “one at a time” clause. Bummer, Evie.

Stan and Evie Must Work Together

Beating the curse will take two, baby, but that’s easier said than done because Stan doesn’t always seem to give a damn. Damn!

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Beware of Goats

It goes without saying for anyone who’s seen the show: If you know that ancient evil wants to kill you, be wary of anything that has cloven feet.

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Season 2 Is Lurking

Scary new things are slouching towards Willards Mill. An impending darkness descending on Stan, Evie and their cohort – eviler evil, more demony demons, and whatnot. And if Stan wants to survive, he’ll have to get even Stanlier.

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is now streaming right now on Hulu.

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SO EXCITED!!!

Reminders that the ’90s were a thing

"The Place We Live" is available for a Jessie Spano-level binge on Comedy Crib.

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Unless you stopped paying attention to the world at large in 1989, you are of course aware that the ’90s are having their pop cultural second coming. Nobody is more acutely aware of this than Dara Katz and Betsy Kenney, two comedians who met doing improv comedy and have just made their Comedy Crib debut with the hilarious ’90s TV throwback series, The Place We Live.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Dara: It’s everything you loved–or loved to hate—from Melrose Place and 90210 but condensed to five minutes, funny (on purpose) and totally absurd.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Betsy: “Hey Todd, why don’t you have a sip of water. Also, I think you’ll love The Place We Live because everyone has issues…just like you, Todd.”

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IFC: When you were living through the ’90s, did you think it was television’s golden age or the pop culture apocalypse?


Betsy: I wasn’t sure I knew what it was, I just knew I loved it!


Dara: Same. Was just happy that my parents let me watch. But looking back, the ’90s honored The Teen. And for that, it’s the golden age of pop culture. 

IFC: Which ’90s shows did you mine for the series, and why?

Betsy: Melrose and 90210 for the most part. If you watch an episode of either of those shows you’ll see they’re a comedic gold mine. In one single episode, they cover serious crimes, drug problems, sex and working in a law firm and/or gallery, all while being young, hot and skinny.


Dara: And almost any series we were watching in the ’90s, Full House, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life has very similar themes, archetypes and really stupid-intense drama. We took from a lot of places. 

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IFC: How would you describe each of the show’s characters in terms of their ’90s TV stereotype?

Dara: Autumn (Sunita Mani) is the femme fatale. Robin (Dara Katz) is the book worm (because she wears glasses). Candace (Betsy Kenney) is Corey’s twin and gives great advice and has really great hair. Corey (Casey Jost) is the boy next door/popular guy. Candace and Corey’s parents decided to live in a car so the gang can live in their house. 
Lee (Jonathan Braylock) is the jock.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Dara: Because everyone’s feeling major ’90s nostalgia right now, and this is that, on steroids while also being a totally new, silly thing.

Delight in the whole season of The Place We Live right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. It’ll take you back in all the right ways.