DID YOU READ

The Worst Movies Starring Wrestlers

Mr Nanny

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Professional wrestling is a strange art form – equal parts modern dance, gymnastics and theatre. Its practitioners need to be able to express emotions to TV cameras and people in the cheap seats with equal skill. Unfortunately, that skill doesn’t translate so well to other forms of acting, as the flicks in this list will aptly illustrate. Join us as we bodyslam these cinematic abominations and find out who claims the title of the worst wrestling actor of all time.

10. See No Evil

Expect the cinematic powerhouse that is WWE Films to secure more than a few spots on this list. After the Rock made himself a bona-fide movie star, Vince McMahon figured he could repeat the feat with some of his other roided-out grapplers. One unlikely star was Glenn Thomas Jacobs, aka Kane, the Undertaker’s half-brother who used to be horribly disfigured and also once wrestled as Jerry Lawler’s dentist and went by the name Isaac Yankem. (Wrestling, folks!) See No Evil cast him as the monster in a Z-grade horror flick that somehow still spawned a sequel.


9. Santa’s Slay

For a while it looked like Bill Goldberg was going to be wrestling’s next breakout star, but the former NFL player never managed to extend his fame too far outside the squared circle. Starring in dreck like Santa’s Slay — where he played a violent, insane Saint Nick decking the halls with gore while riding around on a sleigh driven by demonic “hell-deer” — didn’t help matters much.


8. Mr. Nanny

For a brief period during the early ’90s, Hulk Hogan attempted to have a second career in family cinema with movies like Suburban Commando and this unwatchable drek about a wrestler who becomes a bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids. Even as Home Alone knockoffs go, this one is particularly dreadful.


7. The Chaperone

Triple H has been smart enough to recognize his limitations and stay out of movies for the most part, but somehow he got roped into starring in the family comedy The Chaperone for WWE Films. As criminal driver trying to go straight Ray Bradstone, HHH stinks it up for an interminable 103 minutes of sub-Smokey and the Bandit shenanigans.


6. Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe

Jesse “The Body” Ventura has starred in a couple all-time great action movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but when he stepped out on his own in the lead role things didn’t work out so well. Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe is an incoherent 1990 sci-fi flick where Ventura plays an alien cop hunting down a little kid that could mean the end of the universe. It’s dire even by late-’80s sci-fi standards.


5. Tooth Fairy

The Rock has proven that he has box office mojo across a number of very successful flicks, but you can’t win them all. 2010’s Tooth Fairy was an absolute flop, casting him as a minor-league hockey player who through an absurd contrivance has to take over for the magical pixie that swipes teeth from under pillows. He did his level best, but the flick is rotten to the core.


4. Knucklehead

It’s tough to be Paul Wight – remember, he was once billed as the son of Andre the Giant, who made a splash in The Princess Bride. Wight, aka The Big Show, however, has had less luck on the silver screen. As the protagonist of dire WWE Films production Knucklehead, he plays a clumsy, moronic leviathan who has to save his orphanage while enduring a nearly-endless stream of fart jokes.


3. River Of Darkness

Olympian and American hero Kurt Angle starred in this unspeakably awful drama alongside fellow wrestlers Kevin Nash and Sid Vicious. Angle plays a small-town sheriff investigating a series of bizarre murders, only to discover a horrible secret from the past has returned to…oh, Jesus, why am I trying to make this movie sound interesting? It’s not. Massive plot holes, incompetent cinematography and Angle’s complete lack of acting talent make it a very dark river indeed.


2. Santa With Muscles

It’s a tough call picking just one Hulk Hogan movie for this list because outside of Rocky III and the so-bad-it’s good No Holds Barred, the Orange Goblin’s filmography could easily take all ten spots. His absolute nadir probably came with Santa With Muscles, an incoherent family film where he plays an asshole millionaire who gets amnesia in a Santa costume and becomes convinced that he’s the real Kris Kringle. Oh, and there’s an orphanage in it, and underneath that orphanage is a cave filled with valuable crystals, because nothing has to make sense in Hogan-world.


1. Ready To Rumble

WCW loaned a number of their stars to this insanely awful comedy starring David Arquette. Sure, the wrestlers just had to “be themselves,” but most of them failed at even that. The absolute worst thing about Ready To Rumble is that, in a moronic promotional move, WCW actually gave David Arquette the title of World Heavyweight Championship, devaluing the belt forever in the eyes of the fans.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show comes to IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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