DID YOU READ

The Worst Movies Starring Wrestlers

Mr Nanny

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Professional wrestling is a strange art form – equal parts modern dance, gymnastics and theatre. Its practitioners need to be able to express emotions to TV cameras and people in the cheap seats with equal skill. Unfortunately, that skill doesn’t translate so well to other forms of acting, as the flicks in this list will aptly illustrate. Join us as we bodyslam these cinematic abominations and find out who claims the title of the worst wrestling actor of all time.

10. See No Evil

Expect the cinematic powerhouse that is WWE Films to secure more than a few spots on this list. After the Rock made himself a bona-fide movie star, Vince McMahon figured he could repeat the feat with some of his other roided-out grapplers. One unlikely star was Glenn Thomas Jacobs, aka Kane, the Undertaker’s half-brother who used to be horribly disfigured and also once wrestled as Jerry Lawler’s dentist and went by the name Isaac Yankem. (Wrestling, folks!) See No Evil cast him as the monster in a Z-grade horror flick that somehow still spawned a sequel.


9. Santa’s Slay

For a while it looked like Bill Goldberg was going to be wrestling’s next breakout star, but the former NFL player never managed to extend his fame too far outside the squared circle. Starring in dreck like Santa’s Slay — where he played a violent, insane Saint Nick decking the halls with gore while riding around on a sleigh driven by demonic “hell-deer” — didn’t help matters much.


8. Mr. Nanny

For a brief period during the early ’90s, Hulk Hogan attempted to have a second career in family cinema with movies like Suburban Commando and this unwatchable drek about a wrestler who becomes a bodyguard/nanny for a couple of bratty kids. Even as Home Alone knockoffs go, this one is particularly dreadful.


7. The Chaperone

Triple H has been smart enough to recognize his limitations and stay out of movies for the most part, but somehow he got roped into starring in the family comedy The Chaperone for WWE Films. As criminal driver trying to go straight Ray Bradstone, HHH stinks it up for an interminable 103 minutes of sub-Smokey and the Bandit shenanigans.


6. Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe

Jesse “The Body” Ventura has starred in a couple all-time great action movies with Arnold Schwarzenegger, but when he stepped out on his own in the lead role things didn’t work out so well. Abraxas, Guardian Of The Universe is an incoherent 1990 sci-fi flick where Ventura plays an alien cop hunting down a little kid that could mean the end of the universe. It’s dire even by late-’80s sci-fi standards.


5. Tooth Fairy

The Rock has proven that he has box office mojo across a number of very successful flicks, but you can’t win them all. 2010’s Tooth Fairy was an absolute flop, casting him as a minor-league hockey player who through an absurd contrivance has to take over for the magical pixie that swipes teeth from under pillows. He did his level best, but the flick is rotten to the core.


4. Knucklehead

It’s tough to be Paul Wight – remember, he was once billed as the son of Andre the Giant, who made a splash in The Princess Bride. Wight, aka The Big Show, however, has had less luck on the silver screen. As the protagonist of dire WWE Films production Knucklehead, he plays a clumsy, moronic leviathan who has to save his orphanage while enduring a nearly-endless stream of fart jokes.


3. River Of Darkness

Olympian and American hero Kurt Angle starred in this unspeakably awful drama alongside fellow wrestlers Kevin Nash and Sid Vicious. Angle plays a small-town sheriff investigating a series of bizarre murders, only to discover a horrible secret from the past has returned to…oh, Jesus, why am I trying to make this movie sound interesting? It’s not. Massive plot holes, incompetent cinematography and Angle’s complete lack of acting talent make it a very dark river indeed.


2. Santa With Muscles

It’s a tough call picking just one Hulk Hogan movie for this list because outside of Rocky III and the so-bad-it’s good No Holds Barred, the Orange Goblin’s filmography could easily take all ten spots. His absolute nadir probably came with Santa With Muscles, an incoherent family film where he plays an asshole millionaire who gets amnesia in a Santa costume and becomes convinced that he’s the real Kris Kringle. Oh, and there’s an orphanage in it, and underneath that orphanage is a cave filled with valuable crystals, because nothing has to make sense in Hogan-world.


1. Ready To Rumble

WCW loaned a number of their stars to this insanely awful comedy starring David Arquette. Sure, the wrestlers just had to “be themselves,” but most of them failed at even that. The absolute worst thing about Ready To Rumble is that, in a moronic promotional move, WCW actually gave David Arquette the title of World Heavyweight Championship, devaluing the belt forever in the eyes of the fans.

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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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