DID YOU READ

Women Don’t Understand Goodfellas? Don’t Make Us Laugh

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I’ll be honest, I never intentionally read the NY Post if I can help it. But this morning I, like everyone else on the Internet, was made aware of the ridiculous proclamations that writer Kyle Smith made about how women will never understand Goodfellas. Something about it being a “male fantasy” BroRomCom like Entourage or whatever. Throw in the obligatory mention of the Rat Pack and a word like “floozies,” and the stage is perfectly set for some empty-suit, white-bread wannabe to puff up his chest while sharing some fan-fiction about him relating to a bunch of hyper-masculine wise-guys in a mob flick. I can practically hear the mispronounced Italian curse words from here.

I’ve seen Goodfellas so many times that I’ve lost count. It’s one of those movies, like The Godfather, that is practically mandatory viewing if your last name ends in a vowel. Sure there are many Italian-Americans that will be quick to lambast the negative stereotype that “all Italians must be in the Mafia” (to which we all say no, because every Italian’s been taught since childhood the correct reply is “there’s no such thing as the Mafia.” After all, nobody likes a rat).

wake up henry

But my favorite part about Goodfellas, and all Mafia movies, is the side-effect it has on non-Italians, specifically the guys. It’s amusing when someone, who is about as Italian as the slice of Papa John’s pizza they probably just ate, suddenly thinks they’re the premiere authority on Goodfellas. I suddenly feel like Wesley Snipes in White Men Can’t Jump when he explains to Woody Harrelson that he can listen to Jimi Hendrix, but he can’t hear it; sure you can watch Goodfellas, but you can’t see it.

I know I have the biological handicap of owning a pair of ovaries and all, but even I know that there’s nothing about Goodfellas that is remotely like Entourage. Of course, I don’t have bro-goggles, so that may be the problem as we’ve obviously seen two completely different movies. We can’t all be winners.

Smith claims that women don’t understand the movie because they don’t understand the supposedly exclusively male art of “ball-busting.” I’m not sure if it’s something in the diets of Italian children, maybe a secret ingredient in our grandmother’s sauce, or if it’s just part of our DNA that gives us this gift. But I can assure you, it’s one that is equally bestowed on both genders. Trust me.

If one is to reduce this movie to being simply about “ball-busting,” then let’s give credit where it’s due. A large percentage of the dialogue was improvised by the predominantly Italian-American cast, including the infamous “Do I amuse you?” rant by Joe Pesci. And Lorraine Bracco, who is the only female lead in the movie, went toe-to-toe with the male dominated cast with ease because she’s an Italian chick from Brooklyn; biting sarcasm with an attitude is practically the native language.

Goodfellas Lorraine Bracco

And I don’t mean to speak on behalf of all women here, but I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that maybe the people we think are lowlifes are the guys who decide what we can and can’t “understand,” as if our tiny little brains are flooded with so much estrogen that we can’t possibly relate to anything other than boyfriend problems and shoes. By the way, as a female writer living in NYC, I’m not deluded enough to buy into Carrie Bradshaw’s fictional fairytale of $500 shoes and fabulous rent-controlled apartment, despite me being a silly girl and all.

Now don’t misunderstand, anyone can watch and enjoy Goodfellas. Clearly millions of people have and do. But if we’re going to be assigning ownership or staking claim as to who “understands it” best, I’m going to have to pull rank here. I’m pretty sure I meet the imaginary minimum vowel requirement in my name and I’m definitely sure I have the shady familial connections, and both of those requirements cancel out my unfortunate circumstances of being a “chick.”

P.S. Just because you have balls and watched Goodfellas doesn’t mean you can bust-balls. Get the f-ck outta here.

Cher Martinetti is a NYC-based writer who writes for IFC, Cracked, and Blastr. Follow her on Twitter where she’s occasionally funny by accident and/or tweeting about her dogs.

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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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