The Rock to Board the Porkchop Express for Big Trouble In Little China Remake

Big Trouble in Little China

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The current cultural climate of remaking classic films is physically unbearable at times, but The Rock is here to make this genre a whole lot more enjoyable. Dwayne Johnson is in talks to lead the upcoming remake of Big Trouble in Little China, the action movie made famous by Kurt Russell and director John Carpenter. Can we all just collectively decide that Johnson should star in everything from now on? Except for San Andreas. No one needs more of that.

The news of Johnson’s involvement was reported by The Hollywood Reporter and The Wrap, both of which say Johnson is in talks to join the film as a producer and the star. And in other news, there’s going to be a Big Trouble in Little China remake!

The original film was a cult hit, starring Russell as Jack Burton, an all-American trucker manning the Pork Chop Express who gets wrapped up in a centuries-old mystical battle in Chinatown. “They told him to go to hell, and that’s just where he’s going.” There’s a lot more awesome lines like that in the film.

The Rock would succeed the actor in this role, though presumably it’ll be updated just a bit more for modern audiences. Because we all know Millennials won’t understand what the heck is going on if there’s not a reference to Sia or if Burton’s truck isn’t a fuel-efficient hybrid.

Johnson has been killing it lately — with the exception of San Andreas. He’s starring in his own HBO series called Ballers, he has a role in Disney’s Hawaiian-themed Frozen follow-up Moana, and he’s set to star as the DC comics villain Black Adam in the Shazam movie in 2019. There’s no better person to play Burton than this uber-masculine, incredibly lovable former wrestling champ with a heart of gold.

Well, except for Kurt Russell. Hopefully he’ll at least show up in a cameo. And can John Carpenter return to direct? The following GIF expresses our feelings about the possibility of a Carpenter/Russell return:


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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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