DID YOU READ

5 Badass Action Movie Dads Who’ll Do Anything For Their Family

Posted by on

The stereotypical movie father’s job is to solve problems and offer advice. But actions speak louder than words, which means they get to do both with guns and high explosives. The only way action movie heroes could be more fatherly is if they helped you put up some shelves. Which they would do by throwing them at a terrorist kidnapper’s helicopter and then firing a rocket launcher at precisely the right angle.

But what wisdom can our most action-packed pops offer the rest of us this Father’s Day? And in what situations would they shine? Check out some of the best advice from action movie dads.

5. John McClane, Die Hard

Die Hard‘s John McClane is the ultimate action hero father. In that he’s awesomely cool for a couple of hours, but if you actually had to deal with him every day he’d drive you insane. Which is in fact his entire family history between all his movies. He’s become the poster man for tough father figures despite achieving about six hours of competent fathering over 37 years.

He’s the ultimate example of the father consumed by his work, and not even the cool evil financial work which would let his family ignore him in a mansion. “Kicking terrorist ass on a beat cop’s salary” isn’t heroic — it’s how the government saves millions of dollars on properly trained SWAT teams. But still, he starred in Die Hard. And that means he must be doing something right. And as he said in A Good Day to Die Hard:

John McClane: The shit we do for our kids. Yippie-kai-yay, motherfucker.

And that’s it right there. He might be the biggest screw-up on the force, he might have been separated, divorced, and disowned for most of his adult life, but no matter how badly he’s been treated he’ll still do everything for his children. Because that’s what fathers do.

He even appeared in A Good Day to Die Hard just to save his son. Forget risking his life. Action heroes do that every day. John McClane ruined his own action franchise for one of his kids, in a doomed attempt to turn Jai Courtney into a believable action star. That’s true self-sacrifice.


4. Bryan Mills, Taken

The name “Bryan Mills” is the most redundant writing in history as it assumes a world where people don’t just say “Liam Neeson.” In fact, since it depends on underestimating the action powers of Liam Neeson, the name should count itself lucky Liam didn’t somehow rip it off himself and electrocute it.

Retired CIA agent Mills makes John McClane look like father of the year, because John at least spent some of his movies still married to his wife. Bryan Mills isn’t a great father or husband in the same way the Death Star wasn’t a great weather satellite: it didn’t actually do that, and then managed to get most of what it was meant to look after destroyed anyway. After rescuing his daughter in the first movie he manages to get his family multiply kidnapped and partly killed.

Listen, we could pretend the quote from this movie would be anything else, but that would be a waste of everyone’s time. So you’re at the door, about to head to the prom with Bryan’s daughter, and this happens:

Bryan Mills: But what I do have are a very particular set of skills, skills I have acquired over a very long career. Skills that make me a nightmare for people like you. If you let my daughter go now, that’ll be the end of it. I will not look for you, I will not pursue you. But if you don’t, I will look for you, I will find you, and I will kill you.

He has a particular set of skills, and his family uses them like a cordless drill: they only bring him out when they need something completely screwed, and for the rest of the time they leave him alone. He’s the ultimate end point of being called to open some stubborn jars. It’s just his jars have machine guns. Other fathers get to help their kids move house, or put up shelves. John just annihilates murderers, and gets exactly the same amount of praise. And probably one of those recent crummy Bob Dylan albums on CD for Father’s Day.


3. Harry Tasker, True Lies

Harry Tasker is the top action-father on the list so far because he hasn’t lost his family. Yet. But he’s clearly on the way. There’s just something about defusing nuclear warheads for a living which makes it hard to leave work early for a birthday party. It’s the most awful pressure he can put his family under, because he has the best possible reason for acting like his job as a computer salesman for Tektel systems is a matter of life-and-death. But he can’t tell them that that’s actually the case.

Harry Tasker’s lesson is the simplest possible one: tell the truth. And as always in action movies, the simplest task can sometimes seem like it’s become the most difficult job in the world. But any action movie will tell you that the longer you complicate things with cover stories the more likely everything is to explode in your face. Secret agents get away with slick routines because they can drop everything and run for it inside 90 minutes. Most modern marriages last a bit longer than that. But Harry and Helen Tasker’s marriage only strengthens under stress.

Harry Tasker: Ask me a question I would normally lie to.

Helen Tasker: Are we gonna die?

Harry: Yep!

Helen: I’d say it’s working.

Harry: They’re gonna shoot us in the head or they gonna torture us to death or they gonna leave us here when the bomb blows up…

Helen: Harry!

He tells her they’re going to die in awful ways, and it’s still the start of their relationship’s recovery because he’s finally telling the truth. Making Harry the first man ever to go out and get blasted with chemicals with a bunch of guys and have it help his marriage.


2. Big Chris, Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels

Big Chris spends his movie looking out for his son, Little Chris, and while he might not be the most original father in the world he’s still excellent at it. This combination of work and family life might be a little unconventional, especially when your work is debt collection for a man named “Hatchet Harry,” but the results are undeniable.

He’s found a way to spend time with his child, make sure he exercises, teach him valuable work skills — gathering all the money means Little Chris is probably better at math than most adults — and even insist on moral standards such as never swearing and never working for free. Which puts Little Chris ahead of most people on the Internet already.

Big Chris: All right, son: roll them guns up, count the money, and put your seat belt on.

That’s just good parenting: two parts of good safety advice to one part mathematics practice. Of course there are going to be some challenges when you combine your crèche with gangland intimidation. For one thing, the language gets a little salty.

Things come to a head when psychotic thief Dog takes Little Chris hostage, and that head is Dog’s head being slammed in a car door until it stops working. Which is when Big Chris’s daily insistence on basic safety tips like always wearing your seat belt pays off. True, seat belts usually save you from accidents, not from deliberately crashing your own car to stun a knife-wielding robber, but the fact is that Big Chris was still a better father while beating another man to death than every asshole you see letting their kids clamber around the back seat.


1. John Matrix, Commando

Yes, Schwarzenegger is on here twice, but any action hero list that doesn’t have at least two Schwarzneggers is badly miscalibrated. John Matrix is the ur-action hero, the alpha Schwarzenegger, the simplest possible action star whose single dimension is an endless strip of one-liners, and he’s also the greatest father in action movie history.

Think about it. Why is his daughter Jenny kidnapped? Because he’d retired from special forces work, and actively refused to return for one last job. He already had the action hero lifestyle, and he quit it to spend the rest of his life being a family man instead. Other allegedly heroic fathers quit their dangerous jobs at the end of the movie. He’d already done it before the movie even started, but was simply so good at action the villains actively came to force him to kill their asses. It’s the action analogy of a man giving up the guy life for family life, and his ex-buddies who turn out to be assholes futilely try to pressure him back into the old days.

Not to mention the guy is a font of fatherly advice. He knows the importance of a good breakfast…

John Matrix: I eat Green Berets for breakfast…and right now I’m very hungry!

Getting proper rest…

John Matrix: Do me a favor. Don’t disturb my friend. He’s dead tired.

He’s always available to offer a science lesson…

John Matrix: Loyalty is very touching. But it is not the most important thing in your life right now! But what IS important is gravity!

And, finally, when his daughter is threatened, he’s quick to respond…

Sully: Here, have some beers in Val Verde, Matrix. It’ll give everyone a little more time with your daughter.
Henriques: Heh.
Matrix: You’re a funny guy Sully, I like you. That’s why I’m going to kill you last.

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there, whether they’re toting machine guns or golf clubs.

Watch More
Brockmire-Hank-Azaria-characters-blog

Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

Posted by on
GIFs via Giphy

Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

Watch More
Sneak_Peek

Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

Posted by on

There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

Watch More
POR_710_D1

Mirror, Mirror

Portlandia Season 7 In Hindsight

Portlandia Season 7 Now Available Online and on the IFC App.

Posted by on

Another season of Portlandia is behind us, and oh what a season it was. We laughed. We cried. And we chuckled uncomfortably while glancing nervously around the room. Like every season before it, the latest Portlandia has held a mirror up to ridiculousness of modern American life, but more than ever that same mirror has reflected our social reality in ways that are at once hysterical and sneakily thought-provoking. Here are just a few of the issues they tackled:

Nationalism

So long, America, Portland is out! And yes, the idea of Portland seceding is still less ludicrous than building a wall.

Men’s Rights

We all saw this coming. Exit gracefully, dudes.

Protests

Whatever you stand for, stand for it together. Or with at least one other person.

Free Love

No matter who we are or how we love, deep down we all have the ability to get stalky.

Social Status

Modern self-esteem basically hinges on likes, so this isn’t really a stretch at all.

These moments are just the tip of the iceberg, and much more can be found in the full seventh season of #Portlandia, available right now #online and on the #IFC app.

via GIPHY

Watch More
Powered by ZergNet