DID YOU READ

10 Ridiculous Failed Movies That Turned To Kickstarter For Funding

Twerk Island Lasaya international Kickstarter

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By Derrick Rossignol

Not getting what you want is the worst, but it’s no excuse to act like a child. Somebody tell that to German filmmaker Uwe Boll: After his Kickstarter campaign for Rampage 3: No Mercy went unfunded, he posted a video to YouTube, tastefully titled “fuck you all,” in which he wasn’t all that nice to the “sheeple” who prefer Hollywood movies to Boll classics like Blubberella.

It’s OK, Uwe. A bunch of filmmakers have had their cinematic dreams shattered due to lack of crowdfunded support… and also because they had just an awful idea. Here are 10 films that failed to get Kickstart-ed.

10. Postal 2

Not to pick on Boll, but Postal 2 was his first failed Kickstarter attempt, and it’s easy to see why nobody wants to pick up what he’s putting down: two of Boll’s movies, Blubberella and Alone in the Dark, were named two of the bottom 100 movies of all time by IMDb, and Postal 2 didn’t seem much more promising.

We’re done picking on Uwe Boll. For now.


9. The Real Contest Movie : “Twerk Island”

In an apparent attempt to ride the Miley Cyrus-endorsed twerk wave, somebody tried to make a reality-show type movie based on the briefly culturally relevant dance move. The filmmaker’s claim that “The Contest will also be broadcast During the week by MTV” also seems dubious at best.


8. FML: A Social Media Adventure

A bunch of popular Vine celebrities tried to make a movie about their journey to gain more followers. Apparently nobody wanted to pay to watch them to do anything for longer than six seconds at a time.


7. Geeks Off The Grid

A couple of technology addicts tried to go outside for a while, but they ended up missing their electronics and went home. Then they tried to secure funding so the curious public could watch shaky, low quality footage of them trying again!


6. Staring At The Camera

Somebody told Jeremy Bornstein that he has nice eyes. Naturally, he decided to try making a movie “showing myself staring at the camera for thirty minutes. Possibly more.” That’s all good, clean, boring fun, but not for $15,037 it’s not. Also, it’s not fun.


5. Lost tales of the Native Americans: The Seinfeld Tribe

A Seinfeld parody that’s the same as the real show, except Jerry and the gang are Native Americans in 1804. Even Seinfeld himself, who famously will joke about whatever he pleases, might have to cringe at this one. Adam Sandler might have been on board, though.


4. DRINK A RED BULL IN EVERY STATE POST VIDEO ON YOUTUBE

This “filmmaker” tried a clever ruse here: Get backers to pay for a cross-country road trip, and all he’d have to do is film himself downing an energy drink in each state for about 30 seconds. The campaign ended with $1 contributed, and that’s not getting anybody across the city, let alone the country. It won’t even buy them a Red Bull.


3. The Flying Spaghetti Monster: A Creation Story

This would have been a documentary about Pastafarianism, the kind-of-fake-but-sort-of-not-really religion that has many sarcastic-and-or-devout followers. The whole thing is grey, which might explain the lack of faith in this project. Pun absolutely intended.


2. Alien Vs Predator Vs. Terminator Trilogy

A couple things: It seems supremely doubtful that the person behind this campaign secured the rights to the Alien and Predator intellectual properties. Secondly, we know a few things about movies, and we suspect that the campaign’s $7,500 goal may not be enough to produce THREE FEATURE LENGTH FILMS.


1. Let’s Play: The Documentary

Let’s Play videos have actually become a big part of the online gaming community, but a movie about a YouTube subgenre seems a bit much. Then it hits you that when you watch the Kickstarter video for the project, you’re watching a video about a movie about videos where you watch some random person play a game. Too meta for our blood.

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Very NSFW

The Brockmire Premiere Is All Truth

Watch The First Episode of Brockmire Right Now for Free

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GIFS via Giphy

At long last, the Brockmire pre-premiere has arrived. Which means you can watch it right now—on IFC.com, at Funny Or Die, on IFC’s Apple TV and mobile apps, on Youtube, on Facebook, on the AMC apps, and right here. So grab some headphones and get watching.

No seriously, get headphones.

Because whether he’s giving a play-by-play or ruminating on the world around him, Jim Brockmire calls it like he sees it. And how he sees it is very NSFW. His take on life is actually quite refreshing, even to the point of being profoundly sage. For proof just look at these pearls of unconventional wisdom from the premiere…

Brockmire On The Internet

“If I need porn I just buy a nudie mag, like my father and his father before him.”

Brockmire On Sex-Ed

“Kids, a strap-on is a belt with d— on it that mommies use to f— daddies.”
Brockmire-Strap-On

Brockmire On The Perfect High

“Somewhere between 10 cups of coffee and very low-grade cocaine.”
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Brockmire On The Tardiness of Spring

“Old man winter’s reaching his hand inside your coat to give that thing one more squeeze.”

Brockmire On Keeping Perspective

“I thought I hit rock bottom in a handicap restroom in Bangkok where a Thai lady-boy snorted crank off my johnson while a sunburnt German watched us on the toilet”
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Brockmire On Humanity

“If you want to look directly into the gaping maw of oblivion, don’t look up to the heavens. Just look in the mirror.”
Jules-never-seen

See these nuggets and more in the first episode of Brockmire, and see the whole season beginning April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Thank Azaria

Best. Characters. Ever.

Our favorite Hank Azaria characters.

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Hank Azaria may well be the most prolific voice and character actor of our time. The work he’s done for The Simpsons alone has earned him a permanent place in the pop culture zeitgeist. And now he’s bringing another character to the mainstream: a washed-up sports announcer named Jim Brockmire, in the aptly titled new series Brockmire.

We’re looking forward to it. So much so that we want to look backward, too, with a short-but-sweet retrospective of some of Azaria’s important characters. Shall we begin?

Half The Recurring Simpsons Characters

He’s Comic Book Guy. He’s Chief Wiggum. He’s Apu. He’s Cletus. He’s Snake. He’s Superintendent Chalmers. He’s the Sea Captain. He’s Kurt “Can I Borrow A Feeling” Van Houten. He’s Professor Frink. He’s Carl. And he’s many more. But most importantly he’s Moe Szyslak, the staple character Azaria has voiced since his very first audition for The Simpsons.

Oh, and He’s Frank Grimes

For all the regular Simpsons characters Azaria has played over the years, his most brilliant performance may have been a one-off: Frank Grimes, the scrappy bootstrapper who worked tirelessly all his life for honest, incremental, and easily-undermined success. Azaria’s portrayal of this character was nuanced, emotional, and simply magical.

Patches O’Houlihan

Dodgeball is a “sport of violence, exclusion and degradation.” as Hank Azaria generously points out in his brief but crucial cameo in Dodgeball. That’s sage wisdom. Try applying his “five D’s” to your life on and off the court and enjoy the results.

Harold Zoid

Of Futurama fame. The crazy uncle of Dr. Zoidberg, Harold Zoid was once a lion (or lobster) of the silver screen until Smell-o-vision forced him into retirement.

Agador

The Birdcage was significant for many reasons, and the comic genius of Hank Azaria’s character “Agador” sits somewhere towards the top of that list. If you haven’t seen this movie, shame on you.

Gargamel

Nobody else could make a live-action Gargamel possible.

Ed Cochran

From Ray Donovan. Great character, great last name [editorial note: the author of this article may be bias].

Kahmunra, The Thinker, Abe Lincoln

All in the Night At The Museum: Battle Of The Smithsonian, a file that let Azaria flex his voice acting and live-action muscles in one fell swoop.

The Blue Raja

Mystery Men has everything, including a fatal case of Smash Mouth. Azaria’s iconic superhero makes the shortlist of redeemable qualities, though.

Dr. Huff

Huff put Azaria in a leading role, and it was good. So good that there is no good gif of it. Internet? More like Inter-not.

Learn more about Hank Azaria’s newest claim to fame right here, and don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Flame Out

Brockmire and Other Public Implosions

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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There’s less than a month until the Brockmire premiere, and to say we’re excited would be an insulting understatement. It’s not just that it stars Hank Azaria, who can do no wrong (and yes, that’s including Mystery Men, which is only cringeworthy because of Smash Mouth). It’s that the whole backstory of the titular character, Jim Brockmire, is the stuff of legends. A one-time iconic sportscaster who won the hearts of fans and players alike, he fell from grace after an unfortunate personal event triggered a seriously public meltdown. See for yourself in the NSFW Funny or Die digital short that spawned the IFC series:

See? NSFW and spectacularly catastrophic in a way that could almost be real. Which got us thinking: What are some real-life sports fails that have nothing to do with botched athletics and everything to do with going tragically off script? The internet is a dark and dirty place, friends, but these three examples are pretty special and mostly safe for work…

Disgruntled Sports Reporter

His co-anchor went offsides and he called it like he saw it.

Jim Rome vs Jim “Not Chris” Everett

You just don’t heckle a professional athlete when you’re within striking distance. Common sense.

Carl Lewis’s National Anthem

He killed it! As in murdered. It’s dead.

To see more moments just like these, we recommend spending a day in your pajamas combing through the muckiness of the internet. But to see something that’s Brockmire-level funny without having to clear your browser history, check out the sneak peeks and extras here.

Don’t miss the premiere of Brockmire April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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