DID YOU READ

10 Ridiculous Failed Movies That Turned To Kickstarter For Funding

Twerk Island Lasaya international Kickstarter

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By Derrick Rossignol

Not getting what you want is the worst, but it’s no excuse to act like a child. Somebody tell that to German filmmaker Uwe Boll: After his Kickstarter campaign for Rampage 3: No Mercy went unfunded, he posted a video to YouTube, tastefully titled “fuck you all,” in which he wasn’t all that nice to the “sheeple” who prefer Hollywood movies to Boll classics like Blubberella.

It’s OK, Uwe. A bunch of filmmakers have had their cinematic dreams shattered due to lack of crowdfunded support… and also because they had just an awful idea. Here are 10 films that failed to get Kickstart-ed.

10. Postal 2

Not to pick on Boll, but Postal 2 was his first failed Kickstarter attempt, and it’s easy to see why nobody wants to pick up what he’s putting down: two of Boll’s movies, Blubberella and Alone in the Dark, were named two of the bottom 100 movies of all time by IMDb, and Postal 2 didn’t seem much more promising.

We’re done picking on Uwe Boll. For now.


9. The Real Contest Movie : “Twerk Island”

In an apparent attempt to ride the Miley Cyrus-endorsed twerk wave, somebody tried to make a reality-show type movie based on the briefly culturally relevant dance move. The filmmaker’s claim that “The Contest will also be broadcast During the week by MTV” also seems dubious at best.


8. FML: A Social Media Adventure

A bunch of popular Vine celebrities tried to make a movie about their journey to gain more followers. Apparently nobody wanted to pay to watch them to do anything for longer than six seconds at a time.


7. Geeks Off The Grid

A couple of technology addicts tried to go outside for a while, but they ended up missing their electronics and went home. Then they tried to secure funding so the curious public could watch shaky, low quality footage of them trying again!


6. Staring At The Camera

Somebody told Jeremy Bornstein that he has nice eyes. Naturally, he decided to try making a movie “showing myself staring at the camera for thirty minutes. Possibly more.” That’s all good, clean, boring fun, but not for $15,037 it’s not. Also, it’s not fun.


5. Lost tales of the Native Americans: The Seinfeld Tribe

A Seinfeld parody that’s the same as the real show, except Jerry and the gang are Native Americans in 1804. Even Seinfeld himself, who famously will joke about whatever he pleases, might have to cringe at this one. Adam Sandler might have been on board, though.


4. DRINK A RED BULL IN EVERY STATE POST VIDEO ON YOUTUBE

This “filmmaker” tried a clever ruse here: Get backers to pay for a cross-country road trip, and all he’d have to do is film himself downing an energy drink in each state for about 30 seconds. The campaign ended with $1 contributed, and that’s not getting anybody across the city, let alone the country. It won’t even buy them a Red Bull.


3. The Flying Spaghetti Monster: A Creation Story

This would have been a documentary about Pastafarianism, the kind-of-fake-but-sort-of-not-really religion that has many sarcastic-and-or-devout followers. The whole thing is grey, which might explain the lack of faith in this project. Pun absolutely intended.


2. Alien Vs Predator Vs. Terminator Trilogy

A couple things: It seems supremely doubtful that the person behind this campaign secured the rights to the Alien and Predator intellectual properties. Secondly, we know a few things about movies, and we suspect that the campaign’s $7,500 goal may not be enough to produce THREE FEATURE LENGTH FILMS.


1. Let’s Play: The Documentary

Let’s Play videos have actually become a big part of the online gaming community, but a movie about a YouTube subgenre seems a bit much. Then it hits you that when you watch the Kickstarter video for the project, you’re watching a video about a movie about videos where you watch some random person play a game. Too meta for our blood.

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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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