DID YOU READ

The H8ful Eight and 15 Other Numb3r-Infused Movie Titles

Hateful Eight

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By Kevin Maher

Quentin Tarantino’s The Hateful Eight (or The H8ful Eight) has a lot going for it. Except for the tacky title treatment. Tarantino’s Western joins the pantheon of movie posters that force numbers into the title. The titles can be cute, corny, desperate or downright baffling. See what we mean below.

1. Lucky # Slevin (Lucky Number Slevin)

MGM

MGM

This ensemble crime-drama combines upside-down numbers and made-up words. Also, today’s audiences would read the title as “Lucky Hashtag Slevin.”


2.  2 Fast 2 Furious

Universal Pictures

Universal Pictures

This is the inverted Teen Wolf Too of Fast & Furious sequels. Too bad they didn’t use the tagline “2Cute 2B 4gotten.”


3. Tak3n (Taken 3)

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Did Liam know they were going to call it that? Is Liam willing to become the spokesman for Take 5? (Elevator pitch: When kidnappers take his candy bar he kicks a lot of ass to rescue it.)


4. Fant4stic (Fantastic Four)

20th Century Fox

20th Century Fox

Phonics cannot help you read this title aloud. Fant-four-stic? This title treatment makes as much sense as the Galactus cloud in Rise of the Silver Surfer.


5. 5ive Days to Midnight (Five Days to Midnight)

SyFy Channel

SyFy Channel

When spoken aloud, “5ive” sounds like a stutter. In print it just looks illiterate. Or like a CAPTCHA you’d get when trying to sign into a student loan website.


6. 5ive Girls (Five Girls)

Peace Arch Entertainment Group

Peace Arch Entertainment Group

Another example of “5ive.” And no, it’s not a movie about girls who are fans of the British boy band of the same name.


7. Se7en (Seven)

New Line Cinema

New Line Cinema

Se7en might be the first movie to cram a number into the title. So we have David Fincher to blame/thank for this corny trend.


8. Murd3r 8y Num8ers (Murder by Numbers)

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

This crime thriller holds the record for most numbers forced into a title. Note: This Sandra Bullock film was not the inspiration for the CBS math procedural Numb3rs.


9. Pokemon 4ever (Pokemon Forever)

4Kids Entertainment

4Kids Entertainment

Numbered titles are used in more than gritty crime-dramas. When a Pokemon movie uses this trick, it proves that number-infused titles have jumped the SH4RK.


10. L4yer Cake (Layer Cake)

Sony Pictures

Sony Pictures

Is this a typo? It reads more like “Foyer Cake” –- like a cake you’d find in the front room of a building. Maybe that’s a British thing like crumpets and spotted dick.


11. 7eventy 5ive (Seventy Five)

Screen Media

Screen Media

Did The Asylum produce this to trick people into thinking it’s a sequel to Se7en? Casting Rutger Hauer does make it seem like a direct-to-DVD “knockbuster.”


12. Phantasm: OblIVion (Phantasm: Oblivion) 

phantasm-4-dvd

Don Coscarelli’s fourth Phantasm is the cleverest of these titles; building a subtitle around the roman numeral. Coscarelli re-uses this trick in the upcoming Phantasm: Ravager.


13. Thir13en Ghosts (Thirteen Ghosts)

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

Thir13en Ghosts may be the most confusing example, but the movie was a game changer. Until 2001, Oscar-winner F. Murray Abraham had never appeared in a number-worded film.


14. Th1rteen R3asons Why (Thirteen Reasons Why)

Penguin Books

Penguin Books

Selena Gomez is attached to star in the movie adaptation of this best-selling YA novel. Admit it: this dopey spelling works perfectly for a YA story.


15. Cradle 2 The Grave

Warner Bros.

Warner Bros.

The downside of this creative spelling: some viewers thought Cradle 2 The Grave was a sequel. Fun-fact: even the German release worked a number into the title.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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Breaking News

From Canada With Love

Baroness von Sketch Show premieres this summer on IFC.

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Breaking news that (finally) isn’t apocalyptic!

IFC announced today that it acquired acclaimed Canadian comedy series Baroness von Sketch Show, slated to make its US of A premiere this summer. And yes, it’s important to note that it’s a Canadian sketch comedy series, because Canada is currently a shining beacon of civilization in the western hemisphere, and Baroness von Sketch Show reflects that light in every way possible.

The series is fronted entirely by women, which isn’t unusual in the sketch comedy world but is quite rare in the televised sketch comedy world. Punchy, smart, and provocative, each episode of Baroness von Sketch Show touches upon outrageous-yet-relatable real world subjects in ways both unexpected and deeply satisfying: soccer moms, awkward office birthday parties, being over 40 in a gym locker room…dry shampoo…

Indiewire called it “The Best Comedy You’ve Never Seen” and The National Post said that it’s “the funniest thing on Canadian television since Kids In The Hall.” And that’s saying a lot, because Canadians are goddamn hilarious.

Get a good taste of BVSS in the following sketch, which envisions a future Global Summit run entirely by women. It’s a future we’re personally ready for.

Baroness Von Sketch Show premieres later this summer on IFC.

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