DID YOU READ

An Open Letter to Star Wars By Someone Who Was Burned By the Prequels

Star Wars: Force Awakens

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Dear Star Wars,

It’s been a long time. How are you? I hear you’re doing well and really working at trying to get your act together. You look great, I won’t lie, and despite everything we’ve been through I was genuinely happy to see you. Seeing you reminded me of old times, of why I fell for you in the first place. You look like the Star Wars I always knew and loved.

But I’m cautious, Star Wars. I mean, I want this to work. I want us to work, but can you blame me for having my doubts? For being scared of falling in love all over again only to end up hurt, betrayed, and confused by the mess you ended up causing?

It took me a long time to get over what happened. I’m still not sure I’m really over it. Are you? I mean, you say you are and that you want to wipe the slate clean. To start over. To be the Star Wars you once were, but can you?

I’d be lying if I said I don’t watch the original trilogy and pine for what we once had. You were so innovative back then. All the action, the humor, the romance; the way you managed to make me believe in and love things that seemed so utterly unbelievable like Wookies and Jawas and sentient robots that seemed like real people. I’ll admit I even thought Ewoks were cute, even if they seemed to serve little purpose and slowed things down.

But then things got…weird. I know that people change, but you just went off the rails. You seemed to suffer from delusions and grandeur. You became revisionist, embellishing and rewriting what existed between us for so long. Maybe it was overconfidence, maybe it was arrogance, maybe it was a desperate attempt to seem relevant and inventive in a time when so many new things were available. (I understand that 3D is tempting, but did you really have to go there?)

You started associating yourself with some questionable people. They say you are the company you keep, so what does it say about you that you spent so much time with Jar Jar Binks? I get that you clearly have daddy issues, but after a look at the prequels, aka “Anakin: The Early Years,” we ALL have issues with your father. And his being a Sith isn’t one of them.

I had some hope when I heard Boba Fett would be in the prequels, until he ended up being an annoying little kid that served no purpose other than messing with my emotions.

Stormtrooper

And poor Obi Wan. What did he ever do to you, to us, to deserve to struggle through that sketchy time in your life, carrying the weight of your mess on his shoulders? His memory deserved better than that.

It’s been a long time for us, Star Wars. We literally grew up together. We needed to take a break, and maybe it was for the better. I needed to see other movies, explore various universes, try on a few different franchises, maybe even fall for a few new heroes. But I won’t pretend I didn’t compare a lot of them to you.

Now we’re both older, hopefully wiser. You’ve made some better friends, like this J.J. guy, and he seems to bring out the best in you. The you I fell in love with. Yeah, there’s still some feelings there, but I just don’t know if I can trust you again just yet. But I may be willing to try if you are. I just need to see a little more effort on your part first. Like maybe one more trailer where we see Han shoot Greedo’s grandson first.

Yours,

A lapsed (yet hopeful) fan

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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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