DID YOU READ

7 Board Game Movies Hollywood Will Probably Inflict on Us

Trouble board game

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By Mike Schuster

It’s been nearly 30 (30!) years since the holiday release of the madcap whodunit Clue, and despite those middling beginnings, the state of “board game movies” has been on a steady, triple-decade decline. With only a handful of entries — ranging from the underperforming Michael Bay-wannabe Battleship to the bona fide fantasy bomb Dungeons & Dragons — films based on board games are an even riskier bet than films based on video games.

Nevertheless, Deadline recently reported that Gail Katz (the producer behind The Perfect Storm and Air Force One) has acquired the rights to the best-selling tabletop title, The Settlers of Catan. A far cry from the action-packed popcorn flicks that Katz has been attached to, Catan lets players experience the white-knuckled thrill ride that is tile placement and sheep auctions. Although it remains to be seen if Catan: The Movie will upend its woefully subpar genre, Hollywood is still an industry of familiarity and will roll the dice on a number of films inspired by other popular tabletop games. Here’s what studios are (probably) bringing board-to-screen:

1. Operation

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

Denzel Washington is Frederick Helton, Chief Surgeon at the Cleveland Clinic and a man who’s seen it all…or so he thought. When a boozy drifter stumbles into his emergency care, Helton discovers a medley of anatomical grotesqueries and soon realizes the knee bone isn’t always connected the shin bone. It’s Human Centipede meets that Denzel movie where he’s an ex-special forces agent who saves a little girl or something. Man on Fire? Sure, that’ll do.


2. King of Tokyo

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

After establishing himself as the ruler of the Japanese metropolis, Godzilla invokes the wrathful jealousy of his leviathan compatriots. King Kong, Mothra, Cthulhu, Killer Mantis, and a rogue’s gallery of baddies battle for territorial supremacy in a film BoardGameGeek.com is already calling, “Fun at first, but tiresome after a while.”


3. Trivial Pursuit

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

What do the capital of Peru, the pancreas, and the all-time scoring leader in a single basketball game have in common? They’re all clues leading to the rescue of Kirk Gilbert’s family. But can a man who only graduated technical college grasp the intellectual minutia it takes to get a piece of the pie?


4. Life

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

From the director of Little Miss Sunshine and penned by Diablo Cody, this hypercolor tale of wit and whimsy follows the Niffenegger family as they venture cross-country after daughter Twee wins the Publisher’s Clearinghouse Sweepstakes. But they’ll have to endure hamfisted catchphrases and four separate karaoke showdowns before the prize can be claimed. Jon Heder cameos as himself.


5. Trouble

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

The simple folk of the rural enclave Gluten, Iowa suddenly find themselves confined inside an unbreakable, clear plastic dome that encapsulates the entire town. But on the outside, one scientist (Tom Hardy) believes a hard tap at the top could topple the duplex-sized die and create a means of escape.


6. Guess Who?

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

Detective Huck Gunderson is on the tail of a serial killer nobody can seem to identify. “Handlebar mustache” says one witness, “gaudy earrings” says another. As 24 different suspects are whittled down to one, Huck realizes he may have been too hasty in his perp dismissals as well as what he thinks constitutes “curly hair.”


7. Sorry!

Mike Schuster

Mike Schuster

A tale as old as time, suburban housewife Rosemary Dambrosio gives birth to a demon hellspawn thanks to her husband’s blood oath with Satan (Willem Dafoe). However, it’s not until the 17th trimester that Rosemary discovers the goblin she’s carrying isn’t her husband’s and has to decide whether a single-word apology can smooth things over.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Dark Arts

Foot Fetish Jesus And Other Nightmares

Meet the minds behind Comedy Crib's latest series, Quirks and The Mirror.

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The Mirror and Quirks are really, really strange. Deeply disturbing yet hauntingly beautiful. But you really don’t need to read a synopsis of either of the aforementioned shows to understand the exact variety of nightmare-bonkers comedy these shows deliver — that’s why the good lord made links. Instead, take a peek behind the curtain and meet the creators.

Quirks

Let’s start with Kevin Tosi. Kevin does the whole show by himself. That doesn’t mean he’s a loner — Kevin has a day job with actual humans. But that day job is copywriting. So it’s only natural that his suppressed demons would manifest themselves in biting cartoon form, including “Foot Fetish Jesus”, in ways that somehow speak to all of us. If only all copywriters channeled their inner f*ckedupness into such…expressive art.

The Mirror

Onward to the folks at Wham City Comedy.

These guys aren’t your typical comedy collective in that their work is way more left-field and even elevated than your standard digital short. More funny weird than funny ha-ha. They’ve done collaborations with musicians like Beach House, Dan Deacon & Wye Oak, television networks (obviously), and others. Yeah they get paid, but their motivation feels deeper. Darker. Most of them are video artists, and that explains a lot.

See more of The Mirror and Quirks on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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