DID YOU READ

11 Roles We Wish Michael Keaton Had Played

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Whatever your opinion of newly minted Best Picture winner Birdman is, there’s one undeniably great outcome — Michael Keaton is back. The film’s success has vaulted Keaton back to the A-list where he belongs. But what if he had never gone away?

In 1992, Batman Returns was released in theaters, and Michael Keaton was at the top of his game. Not wanting to repeat himself in another Batman movie, especially after Tim Burton walked away, Keaton took a step back in his career. More content to fly-fish than attend Hollywood premieres, he became picky with his projects.

But what if he hadn’t? What if, instead of this self-imposed exile, Mr. Keaton had stayed in the public eye? What if, instead, he pushed his agent to look for parts outside the box, and stumbled on a script by a young screenwriter named Quentin Tarantino. This is a hypothetical look at a career Michael Keaton could have had.

11. Reservoir Dogs, Mr. Blonde

Initially nervous about having to cut off a bloody victim’s ear to the tune of “Stuck in the Middle With You,” Keaton decides to trust neophyte filmmaker Quentin Tarantino. We all know how well he wore a black and white suit in Beetlejuice, but losing the stripes and turning up the psycho would help Keaton turn this little film into a sensation at Sundance.


10. Groundhog Day, Phil Connors

His career white hot, Keaton accepts the offer to star in this Harold Ramis classic. Keaton actually turned this part down originally, so it isn’t too much of a stretch to picture him trying to endlessly woo Andie McDowell while trapped in a purgatory called Punxsutawney. Thankfully, making this movie would spare us the underwhelming Multiplicity that Keaton made with Ramis and McDowell a few years later.


9. Get Shorty, Chili Palmer

Frustrated he had to turn down Pulp Fiction due to scheduling conflicts (Tarantino originally wanted Michael Madsen for Vic Vega so in our alternate universe he would’ve asked Keaton), MK jumps at the chance to star as a slick gangster who has a way with words. In reality, Keaton was actually offered this part too, but along with many Hollywood heavyweights, turned it down. Now, he helps turn it into one of the biggest hits of 1995.


8. Kingpin, Roy Munson 

Another project he had the chance to star in, Keaton walked away after a rewrite focused more on jokes than character. But now, having done some more intense, character driven work, Keaton would be ready to lighten up. He would accept the Farrelly Brothers’ offer, and help turn Kingpin into the highest grossing film of their career. Plus, who wouldn’t want to see Keaton and Bill Murray share the screen.


7. The Game, Nicolas Van Orton

The scion of a wealthy family trying to deal with the death of his parents from the confines of his gothic mansion? This movie is basically a look at what might’ve happened to Keaton’s Bruce Wayne if he never became Batman. Keaton would accept for a chance to work with filmmaker David Fincher, and since Keaton’s real name is Michael Douglas, they wouldn’t have even had to change the credits.


6. American Beauty, Lester Burnham

With that hit under his belt, Keaton would be at the top of Alan Ball’s list while setting up this project. The original Mr. Mom could have pulled together all that dark humor, intense emotion, and ennui into an electrifying performance. He goes on to win his first Oscar 16 years before Birdman was even a whisper in Alejandro González Iñárritu’s head.


5. Bubba Ho-Tep, Elvis Presley

Having taken a couple of years off from sheer exhaustion, Keaton would return in this camp classic. Keaton astounds as a washed up Elvis fighting monsters alongside an elderly, black JFK. No need to reign it in here, he runs wild with the material, creating a cult classic that is even more beloved than it is now.

4. Bad Santa, Willie

Enjoying more edgy work, Keaton next stars as an alcoholic mall Santa who curses out kids and hits on younger women. While a bit too extreme for mainstream audiences, it would quickly become another cult hit in his long career.


3. Lost, Jack Shepard

Another project Keaton actually turned down, he now accepts the offer on one condition: He would have to be killed off at the end of the pilot. The show would struggle to regain its audience’s trust after such a colossal twist, and be canceled after one season. But the experience would whet Keaton’s appetite for more work in television.


2. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, Willie Wonka

Just imagine it: No Michael Jackson inflected pancake makeup. In his triumphant reunion with Tim Burton, Keaton would be hailed for honoring the anarchist spirit of Gene Wilder’s performance, while still offering something completely new.


1. The Dark Knight, The Joker

While we all love Heath Ledger as the Joker in The Dark Knight, in our alternate history Michael Keaton absolutely owns the part of the Crown Prince of Crime. Critics and fans alike would delight in seeing him go full Beetlejuice as he tries to kill The Caped Crusader. High camp meets gravitas. Who wouldn’t want to see him be Nicholson to Bale’s Batman?

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Forget Oscar

Find Your Spirit Animal

The Spirit Awards are LIVE this Saturday at 2p PT/5p ET.

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In just a few precious days, the greatest, most epic, most star-studded awards ceremony of the year comes to IFC.

And please, we’re definitely not talking about the Oscars. We’re talking about the Spirit Awards. Hosted by iconic comedy duo Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, it’s a relatively under-the-radar awards show with serious cred. And if the past is any indicator, we’re in for a wild night.

If you feel like doing your homework, you can find a full list of nominees and performance excerpts here. It reads like a who’s who of everyone that matters – those larger-than-life personalities with status that borders on mythological. Our celebrity spirit animals, if you will.

This isn’t hyperbole. Literally everyone who takes the stage at the awards show is spirit animal material. Let’s see if we can help you find yours…

Do you

Live in someone else’s shadow despite shining like the sun? Do you inexplicably vandalize your pretty-boy good looks with a sloppy-joe man bun and a repellent pubic-hair beard? Do you think sounding stoned and sounding thoughtful are kinda the same thing?

Congratulations, your spirit animal is Casey Affleck.

He’s the self-canonized patron saint of anyone who’s got the goods but doesn’t give a damn.

Do you

Have mid-length hair and exude a certain feminine masculinity that is universally appealing? Are you drawn to situations that promise little to nothing in the way of grooming or hygiene as a transparently self-conscious attempt to conceal your radiant inner glow? Does that fail miserably?

Way to go, your spirit animal is Viggo Mortensen.

He’s the yoga teacher of actors, in that what should make him super nasty only increases his curb appeal.

Do you

Get zero recognition for work that everyone knows is unrivaled? Do you inspire greatness in others yet get shortchanged when it comes to your own acclaim? Are you a goddam B-52 bomber in an industry of biplanes?

Bingo, your spirit animal is Annette Bening.

What does it take for this artist to win an Oscar? Honestly now, if her performance in 20th Century Women doesn’t earn her every award on the planet, consider it proof that the Universe truly is a cold dark void absent of reason or compassion.

Do you

Walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends? Have you been hiding under the radar just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the spotlight and stay there FOREVER? Do you possess the almost messianic ability to elevate Shia LaBeouf’s on-screen charisma?

You guessed it (or not), your spirit animal is 100% Sasha Lane.

If you haven’t seen American Honey, then you haven’t heard of her. She came out of the blue with a performance both subtle and powerful, and now she’s going to be in all the movies from this moment on. Or she should be, at any rate.

Don’t see your spirit animal there? Worry not. There are many more nominees to choose from, and you can see them all (yes, including Shia LaBeouf) during the Independent Spirit Awards, this Saturday at 2pm PT/5pm ET only on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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