DID YOU READ

Ranking the Foods in the Tarantino Universe From Healthiest to Unhealthiest

Big Kahuna

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Besides Samuel L. Jackson, homages to fringe genres of cinema’s past, bloodbaths, and a pretty uncomfortable relationship with the n-word, there’s one constant in Quentin Tarantino’s movies: food. (Well, that and lingering shots of women’s feet. Hey, we just calls ’em like we sees ’em.) Logically, then, the only reasonable thing to do is rank the many tasty foodstuffs calorie for calorie, because to hell with my free time. Here are some ground rules:

1. We’re ranking this based on calories. No carbs, fat, sodium, protein, etc.

2. These rankings are based on the calorie content of an entire meal. Doesn’t matter if Jules Winnfield just had one bite of a Big Kahuna burger — we’re taking the entire thing into account.

3. Standalone drinks don’t count, unless they’re part of a meal.

4. Almost every food was calculated using the same calorie-counting website for the sake of consistency.

And with that, here we go:

20. White Rice, Eaten Like a Dog, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Poor Beatrix Kiddo. Pai Mei makes her punch the crap out of a wooden board day after day. (Spoiler: the board wins.) During a consolation meal, Kiddo’s hands are so bloodied and bruised, she can’t hold a pair of chopsticks. So she tries to eat them with her hands. Pai Mei slaps her bowl away, insisting that if she eats like a dog, she gets nothing. On the plus side, there are several studies about the health benefits of fasting.

Total Calories: 0

Kill Bill


19. Hard Candy, Django Unchained

In a “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” moment of food consumption, Calvin Candie pops a hard candy after the fight to the death in his upstairs quarters. What else would one expect to find at Candyland?

Total Calories: 24

Calvin Candie Django


18. White Rice, Eaten Like a Human, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Hey, there you go, Kiddo! After being berated like a child, The Bride gives it another go, and is rewarded for a full day of board pounding with…a tiny bowl of unflavored white rice. D’aw.

Total Calories: 121

Kill Bill Rice


 17. A Small Ham and Cheese Sandwich, Inglourious Basterds

At one point, Aldo Raine is seen eating a very tiny sandwich. One assumes there must be some kind of German farmhouse mustard on there. There is nothing else of note to say about this sandwich.

Total Calories: 180

Aldo_Raine_eating_sandwich


16. Knickerbocker Beer, Django Unchained

The beer-pouring scene from Django deserves a special exception to the “no drinks” rule for two reasons: 1) beer tended to be thicker back then, and 2) heavens, didn’t you want a beer after seeing Dr. Schultz’ meticulous pouring process?

Total Calories: 212-219, depending

Django Christoph Waltz


15. Metrix Weight Gain Shake, Jackie Brown

Why Melanie feels the need to be taking weight gain supplements is beyond me. Why not try Big Kahuna burgers?

Total Calories: 270

Jackie Brown Melanie


14. White Cake, Django Unchained

After celebrating the purchase — and freeing — of Hildi, Calvin Candie offers his latest clients a slice of white cake, heretofore known as “Symbolism: The Dessert.” It does not end well.

Total Calories: 350. Maybe less, since it’s a small-ish slice.

Calvin Candie White cake


13. Large Corn Muffin, Pulp Fiction

Towards the end of the film, Jules Winnfield has come to a Jesus revelation over a corn muffin. I can tell you it’s a corn muffin with about 85% certainty because I spent an hour watching the scene in slow motion. So let’s just agree that this is a large, non-buttered corn muffin, ok? Either way, it’s one life-changing muffin. As Jules might call it, a real “Muffin of Clarity.”

Total calories: 424 

Pulp Fiction Jules Winnfeld Muffin


12. Sushi, Kill Bill, Vol. 1

You may be calling shenanigans that we’re saying the sushi that Hattori Hanzo serves Beatrix Kiddo is less healthy than a corn muffin. But you have to take into account the rice, the portion size and the mercury content. Also the general cleanliness of Hanzo’s shop.

Total Calories: 496

Kill Bill Sushi


11. Bill’s Sandwiches, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Say what you will about Bill, dude makes a hell of a sandwich. After reuniting Beatrix with her daughter, Bill makes a little late night snack for B.B. Now, we can tell the bread calories for certain because we can see that it’s Bimbo white bread (120 cal./slice). But it’s hard to see exactly what meat is being used. Looks like maybe bologna and turkey with a slice of American cheese, topped with mustard AND mayo (ooo la la! So fancy.) This might have been a smidge higher on the list, but he did cut the crusts off. Bill’s a good dad, after all.

Total Calories: 500

Kill Bill sandwich


10. Chicken Teriyaki, Jackie Brown

During the dry run of the bag switch, Jackie Brown has food from a teriyaki place. It’s hard to see exactly what she’s eating, but it’s something dark, and she has a bowl and chopsticks, so you’d think soba noodles. BUT — I can’t imagine that the Tarantino equivalent of Panda Express is rocking soba. The next logical assumption has got to be teriyaki, like it says on the side of her cup. Wash that down with a gigantic soda (assuming non-diet) and you’ve got quite a high-caloric meal.

Total Calories: 540

Jackie Brown Mall


9. Breakfast Platter, Pulp Fiction

Pumpkin and Honey Bunny wax poetic about committing crimes while Pumpkin feasts on sausages, hash browns, eggs and maybe a small waffle. Top it off with a cup of coffee and you’re looking at 545 calories, which is a good healthy breakfast for executing every last person in the restaurant (supposing they move/aren’t cool).

Total Calories: 545

Pulp Fiction Pumpkin

8. Pancakes and Bacon, Pulp Fiction

While Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are discussing executions and what have you, Vincent Vega sits just a few booths over, chomping down on some huge pancakes with maple syrup and a few slices of bacon. We know it’s bacon because he offers some over to Jules before the two explore the morality of pork consumption. Then he leaves to go number #2, which is always the sign for trouble in the Pulp Fiction-verse.

Total Calories: 635

Vincent Vega diner


7. Apple Strudel, Inglourious Basterds

You’ve gotta hand it to Christoph Waltz — he managed to make this apple strudel the most terrifying dessert since that cupcake that spits tobacco in Chris Elliot’s face in Cabin Boy. Combine the homemade strudel with hand-prepared whipped cream and a tall glass of whole milk, and the calories start adding up.

Total Calories: 644

Christoph Waltz Strudel


6. Whatever They’re Eating at the Diner, Reservoir Dogs

Tarantino never actually shows anyone’s plate in Reservoir Dogs, but we can figure it out based on their bill. See, Joe mentions that everyone at the table needs to leave a $1 tip. That’s $8 for the tip, which means a $53 tab (assuming 15% tip). Minus drinks (and I’m making some assumptions) and you’ve got $42.75 in food costs, or, $5.34 per diner. After usual restaurant markup, you’re looking at a cost of $1.87 per plate. What the hell could be so cheap? Probably basic, non-meat food: eggs, white toast with butter, and home fries. This meal gets extra calories from whoever was drinking beer with breakfast (one assumes the soon-to-be-killed Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue. Who drinks before a heist?)

Total Calories: 725

Reservoir Dogs Diner


5. Big Kahuna Burger, Pulp Fiction

The meal from Big Kahuna Burger is not what it seems. Sure, you’ve got a standard looking burger (cheese, ketchup, lettuce, probably a quarter pound of beef), fries and a large Sprite. BUT. Remember that they define Big Kahuna Burger as “that new Hawaiian burger joint.” Now, I didn’t see any pineapples on that burger, so what the hell makes this thing Hawaiian? Bingo! Hawaiian rolls. There’s sugar in that roll, which means more calories. (No wonder it’s such a tasty burger.) Granted Jules only takes a bite. But Brett, Flock of Seagulls hair and the rest were having Big Kahunas first thing in the morning. Breakfast of champions? More like breakfast of heart disease sufferers.

Total Calories: 1,136 

Burger Pulp Fiction


4. Let’s See, Steak, Steak, Steak…I’ll Have the Douglas Sirk Steak, Bloody as Hell, and, Oh Yeah, Look at This, a Vanilla Coke, Pulp Fiction

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to learn that Jack Rabbit Slim’s isn’t a real restaurant. Anyway. Vincent Vega has a veritable feast on his platonic date with Mia Wallace. No wonder he spends so much time on the can.

Total Calories: 1,440

Vincent Vega Steak


3. Sheronda’s Mexican Spread, Jackie Brown

Poor, nervous Sheronda shows up with one of the biggest plates of food I’ve ever seen in my life. Best I can tell, we’re looking at pinto beans, rice, and enchilada, maybe a taco or two, and a big soda. Come on, Sheronda! You’re making a pickup! You can’t eat food that upsets your stomach that much! You’re going to ruin the whole thing.

Total Calories: 1,440

Sheronda Jackie Brown


2. Stuntman Mike’s Killer Nachos, Deathproof

Jesus Christ, look at those things. Watching Kurt Russell go to town on a plate of epic ‘chos is equal parts disgusting and appealing. By the by, you can find the actual meal — “Killer Nachos” — at the Texas Chili Parlor in Austin, TX, which is where the scene was filmed. But please, for the sake of the waitstaff, be neater than Stuntman Mike.

Total Calories: 1,815

Death Proof Nachos


1. The Durward Kirby Burger, bloody, and…a $5 Shake, Martin and Lewis, Pulp Fiction

Yep. The king of Tarantino gustatory bombs can be found at Jack Rabbit Slim’s. Now, that deluxe burger and that huge mound of fries are obviously packed with calories. But what tips the proverbial scales is the $5 shake. That’s 30 ounces of vanilla ice cream and milk, whipped together and served with a cherry on top. How does Mia Wallace keep it off? All that cocaine she snorts must be a hell of a calorie burner.

Total Calories: 2,486

Mia Wallace Jack Rabbit Slims


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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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