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DID YOU READ

Ranking the Foods in the Tarantino Universe From Healthiest to Unhealthiest

Big Kahuna

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Besides Samuel L. Jackson, homages to fringe genres of cinema’s past, bloodbaths, and a pretty uncomfortable relationship with the n-word, there’s one constant in Quentin Tarantino’s movies: food. (Well, that and lingering shots of women’s feet. Hey, we just calls ’em like we sees ’em.) Logically, then, the only reasonable thing to do is rank the many tasty foodstuffs calorie for calorie, because to hell with my free time. Here are some ground rules:

1. We’re ranking this based on calories. No carbs, fat, sodium, protein, etc.

2. These rankings are based on the calorie content of an entire meal. Doesn’t matter if Jules Winnfield just had one bite of a Big Kahuna burger — we’re taking the entire thing into account.

3. Standalone drinks don’t count, unless they’re part of a meal.

4. Almost every food was calculated using the same calorie-counting website for the sake of consistency.

And with that, here we go:

20. White Rice, Eaten Like a Dog, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Poor Beatrix Kiddo. Pai Mei makes her punch the crap out of a wooden board day after day. (Spoiler: the board wins.) During a consolation meal, Kiddo’s hands are so bloodied and bruised, she can’t hold a pair of chopsticks. So she tries to eat them with her hands. Pai Mei slaps her bowl away, insisting that if she eats like a dog, she gets nothing. On the plus side, there are several studies about the health benefits of fasting.

Total Calories: 0

Kill Bill


19. Hard Candy, Django Unchained

In a “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” moment of food consumption, Calvin Candie pops a hard candy after the fight to the death in his upstairs quarters. What else would one expect to find at Candyland?

Total Calories: 24

Calvin Candie Django


18. White Rice, Eaten Like a Human, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Hey, there you go, Kiddo! After being berated like a child, The Bride gives it another go, and is rewarded for a full day of board pounding with…a tiny bowl of unflavored white rice. D’aw.

Total Calories: 121

Kill Bill Rice


 17. A Small Ham and Cheese Sandwich, Inglourious Basterds

At one point, Aldo Raine is seen eating a very tiny sandwich. One assumes there must be some kind of German farmhouse mustard on there. There is nothing else of note to say about this sandwich.

Total Calories: 180

Aldo_Raine_eating_sandwich


16. Knickerbocker Beer, Django Unchained

The beer-pouring scene from Django deserves a special exception to the “no drinks” rule for two reasons: 1) beer tended to be thicker back then, and 2) heavens, didn’t you want a beer after seeing Dr. Schultz’ meticulous pouring process?

Total Calories: 212-219, depending

Django Christoph Waltz


15. Metrix Weight Gain Shake, Jackie Brown

Why Melanie feels the need to be taking weight gain supplements is beyond me. Why not try Big Kahuna burgers?

Total Calories: 270

Jackie Brown Melanie


14. White Cake, Django Unchained

After celebrating the purchase — and freeing — of Hildi, Calvin Candie offers his latest clients a slice of white cake, heretofore known as “Symbolism: The Dessert.” It does not end well.

Total Calories: 350. Maybe less, since it’s a small-ish slice.

Calvin Candie White cake


13. Large Corn Muffin, Pulp Fiction

Towards the end of the film, Jules Winnfield has come to a Jesus revelation over a corn muffin. I can tell you it’s a corn muffin with about 85% certainty because I spent an hour watching the scene in slow motion. So let’s just agree that this is a large, non-buttered corn muffin, ok? Either way, it’s one life-changing muffin. As Jules might call it, a real “Muffin of Clarity.”

Total calories: 424 

Pulp Fiction Jules Winnfeld Muffin


12. Sushi, Kill Bill, Vol. 1

You may be calling shenanigans that we’re saying the sushi that Hattori Hanzo serves Beatrix Kiddo is less healthy than a corn muffin. But you have to take into account the rice, the portion size and the mercury content. Also the general cleanliness of Hanzo’s shop.

Total Calories: 496

Kill Bill Sushi


11. Bill’s Sandwiches, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Say what you will about Bill, dude makes a hell of a sandwich. After reuniting Beatrix with her daughter, Bill makes a little late night snack for B.B. Now, we can tell the bread calories for certain because we can see that it’s Bimbo white bread (120 cal./slice). But it’s hard to see exactly what meat is being used. Looks like maybe bologna and turkey with a slice of American cheese, topped with mustard AND mayo (ooo la la! So fancy.) This might have been a smidge higher on the list, but he did cut the crusts off. Bill’s a good dad, after all.

Total Calories: 500

Kill Bill sandwich


10. Chicken Teriyaki, Jackie Brown

During the dry run of the bag switch, Jackie Brown has food from a teriyaki place. It’s hard to see exactly what she’s eating, but it’s something dark, and she has a bowl and chopsticks, so you’d think soba noodles. BUT — I can’t imagine that the Tarantino equivalent of Panda Express is rocking soba. The next logical assumption has got to be teriyaki, like it says on the side of her cup. Wash that down with a gigantic soda (assuming non-diet) and you’ve got quite a high-caloric meal.

Total Calories: 540

Jackie Brown Mall


9. Breakfast Platter, Pulp Fiction

Pumpkin and Honey Bunny wax poetic about committing crimes while Pumpkin feasts on sausages, hash browns, eggs and maybe a small waffle. Top it off with a cup of coffee and you’re looking at 545 calories, which is a good healthy breakfast for executing every last person in the restaurant (supposing they move/aren’t cool).

Total Calories: 545

Pulp Fiction Pumpkin

8. Pancakes and Bacon, Pulp Fiction

While Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are discussing executions and what have you, Vincent Vega sits just a few booths over, chomping down on some huge pancakes with maple syrup and a few slices of bacon. We know it’s bacon because he offers some over to Jules before the two explore the morality of pork consumption. Then he leaves to go number #2, which is always the sign for trouble in the Pulp Fiction-verse.

Total Calories: 635

Vincent Vega diner


7. Apple Strudel, Inglourious Basterds

You’ve gotta hand it to Christoph Waltz — he managed to make this apple strudel the most terrifying dessert since that cupcake that spits tobacco in Chris Elliot’s face in Cabin Boy. Combine the homemade strudel with hand-prepared whipped cream and a tall glass of whole milk, and the calories start adding up.

Total Calories: 644

Christoph Waltz Strudel


6. Whatever They’re Eating at the Diner, Reservoir Dogs

Tarantino never actually shows anyone’s plate in Reservoir Dogs, but we can figure it out based on their bill. See, Joe mentions that everyone at the table needs to leave a $1 tip. That’s $8 for the tip, which means a $53 tab (assuming 15% tip). Minus drinks (and I’m making some assumptions) and you’ve got $42.75 in food costs, or, $5.34 per diner. After usual restaurant markup, you’re looking at a cost of $1.87 per plate. What the hell could be so cheap? Probably basic, non-meat food: eggs, white toast with butter, and home fries. This meal gets extra calories from whoever was drinking beer with breakfast (one assumes the soon-to-be-killed Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue. Who drinks before a heist?)

Total Calories: 725

Reservoir Dogs Diner


5. Big Kahuna Burger, Pulp Fiction

The meal from Big Kahuna Burger is not what it seems. Sure, you’ve got a standard looking burger (cheese, ketchup, lettuce, probably a quarter pound of beef), fries and a large Sprite. BUT. Remember that they define Big Kahuna Burger as “that new Hawaiian burger joint.” Now, I didn’t see any pineapples on that burger, so what the hell makes this thing Hawaiian? Bingo! Hawaiian rolls. There’s sugar in that roll, which means more calories. (No wonder it’s such a tasty burger.) Granted Jules only takes a bite. But Brett, Flock of Seagulls hair and the rest were having Big Kahunas first thing in the morning. Breakfast of champions? More like breakfast of heart disease sufferers.

Total Calories: 1,136 

Burger Pulp Fiction


4. Let’s See, Steak, Steak, Steak…I’ll Have the Douglas Sirk Steak, Bloody as Hell, and, Oh Yeah, Look at This, a Vanilla Coke, Pulp Fiction

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to learn that Jack Rabbit Slim’s isn’t a real restaurant. Anyway. Vincent Vega has a veritable feast on his platonic date with Mia Wallace. No wonder he spends so much time on the can.

Total Calories: 1,440

Vincent Vega Steak


3. Sheronda’s Mexican Spread, Jackie Brown

Poor, nervous Sheronda shows up with one of the biggest plates of food I’ve ever seen in my life. Best I can tell, we’re looking at pinto beans, rice, and enchilada, maybe a taco or two, and a big soda. Come on, Sheronda! You’re making a pickup! You can’t eat food that upsets your stomach that much! You’re going to ruin the whole thing.

Total Calories: 1,440

Sheronda Jackie Brown


2. Stuntman Mike’s Killer Nachos, Deathproof

Jesus Christ, look at those things. Watching Kurt Russell go to town on a plate of epic ‘chos is equal parts disgusting and appealing. By the by, you can find the actual meal — “Killer Nachos” — at the Texas Chili Parlor in Austin, TX, which is where the scene was filmed. But please, for the sake of the waitstaff, be neater than Stuntman Mike.

Total Calories: 1,815

Death Proof Nachos


1. The Durward Kirby Burger, bloody, and…a $5 Shake, Martin and Lewis, Pulp Fiction

Yep. The king of Tarantino gustatory bombs can be found at Jack Rabbit Slim’s. Now, that deluxe burger and that huge mound of fries are obviously packed with calories. But what tips the proverbial scales is the $5 shake. That’s 30 ounces of vanilla ice cream and milk, whipped together and served with a cherry on top. How does Mia Wallace keep it off? All that cocaine she snorts must be a hell of a calorie burner.

Total Calories: 2,486

Mia Wallace Jack Rabbit Slims


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Last-Minute Holiday Gift Guide

Hits from the '80s are on repeat all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC.

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GIFs via Giphy, Photos via The Everett Collection

It’s the final countdown to Christmas and thanks to IFC’s movie marathon all Christmas Eve and Christmas Day, you can revel in classic ’80s films AND find inspiration for your last-minute gifts. Here are our recommendations, if you need a head start:

Musical Instrument

Great analog entertainment substitute when you refuse to give your kid the Nintendo Switch they’ve been drooling over.

Breakfast In Bed

Any significant other or child would appreciate these Uncle Buck-approved flapjacks. Just make sure you’re not stuck on clean up duty.

Cocktail Supplies

You’ll need them to get through the holidays.

Dance Lessons

So you can learn to shake-shake-shake (unless you know ghosts willing to lend a hand).

Comfy Clothes

With all the holiday meals, there may be some…embigenning.



Get even more great inspiration all Christmas Eve and Day on IFC, and remember…

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Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

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Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

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A-O River!

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One More Episode

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WTF Films

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Celebrity All-Star by Sisters Weekend is available now on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Sisters Weekend isn’t like other comedy groups. It’s filmmaking collaboration between besties Angelo Balassone, Michael Fails and Kat Tadesco, self-described lace-front addicts with great legs who write, direct, design and produce video sketches and cinematic shorts that are so surreally hilarious that they defy categorization. One such short film, Celebrity All-Star, is the newest addition to IFC’s Comedy Crib. Here’s what they had to say about it in a very personal email interview…

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IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Celebrity All-Star is a short film about an overworked reality TV coordinator struggling to save her one night off after the cast of C-List celebrities she wrangles gets locked out of their hotel rooms.

IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Sisters Weekend: It’s this short we made for IFC where a talent coordinator named Karen babysits a bunch of weird c-list celebs who are stuck in a hotel bar. It’s everyone you hate from reality TV under one roof – and that roof leaks because it’s a 2-star hotel. There’s a magician, sexy cowboys, and a guy wearing a belt that sucks up his farts.

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IFC: What was the genesis of Celebrity All-Star?

Celebrity All-Star was born from our love of embarrassing celebrities. We love a good c-lister in need of a paycheck! We were really interested in the canned politeness people give off when forced to mingle with strangers. The backstory we created is that the cast of this reality show called “Celebrity All-Star” is in the middle of a mandatory round of “get to know each other” drinks in the hotel bar when the room keys stop working. Shows like Celebrity Ghost Hunters and of course The Surreal Life were of inspo, but we thought it
was funny to keep it really vague what kind of show they’re on, and just focus on everyone’s diva antics after the cameras stop rolling.

IFC: Every celebrity in Celebrity All-Star seems familiar. What real-life pop personalities did you look to for inspiration?

Sisters Weekend: Anyone who is trying to plug their branded merch that no one asked for. We love low-rent celebrity. We did, however, directly reference Kylie Jenner’s turd-raison lip color for our fictional teen celebutante Gibby Kyle (played by Mary Houlihan).

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IFC: Celebrity seems disgusting yet desirable. What’s your POV? Do you crave it, hate it, or both?

Sisters Weekend: A lot of people chase fame. If you’re practical, you’ll likely switch to chasing success and if you’re smart, you’ll hopefully switch to chasing happiness. But also, “We need money. We need hits. Hits bring money, money bring power, power bring fame, fame change the game,” Young Thug.

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IFC: Who are your comedy idols?

Sisters Weekend: Mike grew up renting “Monty Python” tapes from the library and staying up late to watch 2000’s SNL, Kat was super into Andy Kaufman and “Kids In The Hall” in high school, and Angelo was heavily influenced by “Strangers With Candy” and Anna Faris in the Scary Movie franchise, so, our comedy heroes mesh from all over. But, also we idolize a lot of the people we work with in NY-  Lorelei Ramirez, Erin Markey, Mary Houlihan, who are all in the film, Amy Zimmer, Ana Fabrega, Patti Harrison, Sam Taggart. Geniuses! All of Em!

IFC: What’s your favorite moment from the film?

Sisters Weekend: I mean…seeing Mary Houlihan scream at an insane Pomeranian on an iPad is pretty great.

See Sisters Weekend right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib

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