DID YOU READ

Ranking the Foods in the Tarantino Universe From Healthiest to Unhealthiest

Big Kahuna

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Besides Samuel L. Jackson, homages to fringe genres of cinema’s past, bloodbaths, and a pretty uncomfortable relationship with the n-word, there’s one constant in Quentin Tarantino’s movies: food. (Well, that and lingering shots of women’s feet. Hey, we just calls ’em like we sees ’em.) Logically, then, the only reasonable thing to do is rank the many tasty foodstuffs calorie for calorie, because to hell with my free time. Here are some ground rules:

1. We’re ranking this based on calories. No carbs, fat, sodium, protein, etc.

2. These rankings are based on the calorie content of an entire meal. Doesn’t matter if Jules Winnfield just had one bite of a Big Kahuna burger — we’re taking the entire thing into account.

3. Standalone drinks don’t count, unless they’re part of a meal.

4. Almost every food was calculated using the same calorie-counting website for the sake of consistency.

And with that, here we go:

20. White Rice, Eaten Like a Dog, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Poor Beatrix Kiddo. Pai Mei makes her punch the crap out of a wooden board day after day. (Spoiler: the board wins.) During a consolation meal, Kiddo’s hands are so bloodied and bruised, she can’t hold a pair of chopsticks. So she tries to eat them with her hands. Pai Mei slaps her bowl away, insisting that if she eats like a dog, she gets nothing. On the plus side, there are several studies about the health benefits of fasting.

Total Calories: 0

Kill Bill


19. Hard Candy, Django Unchained

In a “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” moment of food consumption, Calvin Candie pops a hard candy after the fight to the death in his upstairs quarters. What else would one expect to find at Candyland?

Total Calories: 24

Calvin Candie Django


18. White Rice, Eaten Like a Human, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Hey, there you go, Kiddo! After being berated like a child, The Bride gives it another go, and is rewarded for a full day of board pounding with…a tiny bowl of unflavored white rice. D’aw.

Total Calories: 121

Kill Bill Rice


 17. A Small Ham and Cheese Sandwich, Inglourious Basterds

At one point, Aldo Raine is seen eating a very tiny sandwich. One assumes there must be some kind of German farmhouse mustard on there. There is nothing else of note to say about this sandwich.

Total Calories: 180

Aldo_Raine_eating_sandwich


16. Knickerbocker Beer, Django Unchained

The beer-pouring scene from Django deserves a special exception to the “no drinks” rule for two reasons: 1) beer tended to be thicker back then, and 2) heavens, didn’t you want a beer after seeing Dr. Schultz’ meticulous pouring process?

Total Calories: 212-219, depending

Django Christoph Waltz


15. Metrix Weight Gain Shake, Jackie Brown

Why Melanie feels the need to be taking weight gain supplements is beyond me. Why not try Big Kahuna burgers?

Total Calories: 270

Jackie Brown Melanie


14. White Cake, Django Unchained

After celebrating the purchase — and freeing — of Hildi, Calvin Candie offers his latest clients a slice of white cake, heretofore known as “Symbolism: The Dessert.” It does not end well.

Total Calories: 350. Maybe less, since it’s a small-ish slice.

Calvin Candie White cake


13. Large Corn Muffin, Pulp Fiction

Towards the end of the film, Jules Winnfield has come to a Jesus revelation over a corn muffin. I can tell you it’s a corn muffin with about 85% certainty because I spent an hour watching the scene in slow motion. So let’s just agree that this is a large, non-buttered corn muffin, ok? Either way, it’s one life-changing muffin. As Jules might call it, a real “Muffin of Clarity.”

Total calories: 424 

Pulp Fiction Jules Winnfeld Muffin


12. Sushi, Kill Bill, Vol. 1

You may be calling shenanigans that we’re saying the sushi that Hattori Hanzo serves Beatrix Kiddo is less healthy than a corn muffin. But you have to take into account the rice, the portion size and the mercury content. Also the general cleanliness of Hanzo’s shop.

Total Calories: 496

Kill Bill Sushi


11. Bill’s Sandwiches, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Say what you will about Bill, dude makes a hell of a sandwich. After reuniting Beatrix with her daughter, Bill makes a little late night snack for B.B. Now, we can tell the bread calories for certain because we can see that it’s Bimbo white bread (120 cal./slice). But it’s hard to see exactly what meat is being used. Looks like maybe bologna and turkey with a slice of American cheese, topped with mustard AND mayo (ooo la la! So fancy.) This might have been a smidge higher on the list, but he did cut the crusts off. Bill’s a good dad, after all.

Total Calories: 500

Kill Bill sandwich


10. Chicken Teriyaki, Jackie Brown

During the dry run of the bag switch, Jackie Brown has food from a teriyaki place. It’s hard to see exactly what she’s eating, but it’s something dark, and she has a bowl and chopsticks, so you’d think soba noodles. BUT — I can’t imagine that the Tarantino equivalent of Panda Express is rocking soba. The next logical assumption has got to be teriyaki, like it says on the side of her cup. Wash that down with a gigantic soda (assuming non-diet) and you’ve got quite a high-caloric meal.

Total Calories: 540

Jackie Brown Mall


9. Breakfast Platter, Pulp Fiction

Pumpkin and Honey Bunny wax poetic about committing crimes while Pumpkin feasts on sausages, hash browns, eggs and maybe a small waffle. Top it off with a cup of coffee and you’re looking at 545 calories, which is a good healthy breakfast for executing every last person in the restaurant (supposing they move/aren’t cool).

Total Calories: 545

Pulp Fiction Pumpkin

8. Pancakes and Bacon, Pulp Fiction

While Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are discussing executions and what have you, Vincent Vega sits just a few booths over, chomping down on some huge pancakes with maple syrup and a few slices of bacon. We know it’s bacon because he offers some over to Jules before the two explore the morality of pork consumption. Then he leaves to go number #2, which is always the sign for trouble in the Pulp Fiction-verse.

Total Calories: 635

Vincent Vega diner


7. Apple Strudel, Inglourious Basterds

You’ve gotta hand it to Christoph Waltz — he managed to make this apple strudel the most terrifying dessert since that cupcake that spits tobacco in Chris Elliot’s face in Cabin Boy. Combine the homemade strudel with hand-prepared whipped cream and a tall glass of whole milk, and the calories start adding up.

Total Calories: 644

Christoph Waltz Strudel


6. Whatever They’re Eating at the Diner, Reservoir Dogs

Tarantino never actually shows anyone’s plate in Reservoir Dogs, but we can figure it out based on their bill. See, Joe mentions that everyone at the table needs to leave a $1 tip. That’s $8 for the tip, which means a $53 tab (assuming 15% tip). Minus drinks (and I’m making some assumptions) and you’ve got $42.75 in food costs, or, $5.34 per diner. After usual restaurant markup, you’re looking at a cost of $1.87 per plate. What the hell could be so cheap? Probably basic, non-meat food: eggs, white toast with butter, and home fries. This meal gets extra calories from whoever was drinking beer with breakfast (one assumes the soon-to-be-killed Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue. Who drinks before a heist?)

Total Calories: 725

Reservoir Dogs Diner


5. Big Kahuna Burger, Pulp Fiction

The meal from Big Kahuna Burger is not what it seems. Sure, you’ve got a standard looking burger (cheese, ketchup, lettuce, probably a quarter pound of beef), fries and a large Sprite. BUT. Remember that they define Big Kahuna Burger as “that new Hawaiian burger joint.” Now, I didn’t see any pineapples on that burger, so what the hell makes this thing Hawaiian? Bingo! Hawaiian rolls. There’s sugar in that roll, which means more calories. (No wonder it’s such a tasty burger.) Granted Jules only takes a bite. But Brett, Flock of Seagulls hair and the rest were having Big Kahunas first thing in the morning. Breakfast of champions? More like breakfast of heart disease sufferers.

Total Calories: 1,136 

Burger Pulp Fiction


4. Let’s See, Steak, Steak, Steak…I’ll Have the Douglas Sirk Steak, Bloody as Hell, and, Oh Yeah, Look at This, a Vanilla Coke, Pulp Fiction

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to learn that Jack Rabbit Slim’s isn’t a real restaurant. Anyway. Vincent Vega has a veritable feast on his platonic date with Mia Wallace. No wonder he spends so much time on the can.

Total Calories: 1,440

Vincent Vega Steak


3. Sheronda’s Mexican Spread, Jackie Brown

Poor, nervous Sheronda shows up with one of the biggest plates of food I’ve ever seen in my life. Best I can tell, we’re looking at pinto beans, rice, and enchilada, maybe a taco or two, and a big soda. Come on, Sheronda! You’re making a pickup! You can’t eat food that upsets your stomach that much! You’re going to ruin the whole thing.

Total Calories: 1,440

Sheronda Jackie Brown


2. Stuntman Mike’s Killer Nachos, Deathproof

Jesus Christ, look at those things. Watching Kurt Russell go to town on a plate of epic ‘chos is equal parts disgusting and appealing. By the by, you can find the actual meal — “Killer Nachos” — at the Texas Chili Parlor in Austin, TX, which is where the scene was filmed. But please, for the sake of the waitstaff, be neater than Stuntman Mike.

Total Calories: 1,815

Death Proof Nachos


1. The Durward Kirby Burger, bloody, and…a $5 Shake, Martin and Lewis, Pulp Fiction

Yep. The king of Tarantino gustatory bombs can be found at Jack Rabbit Slim’s. Now, that deluxe burger and that huge mound of fries are obviously packed with calories. But what tips the proverbial scales is the $5 shake. That’s 30 ounces of vanilla ice cream and milk, whipped together and served with a cherry on top. How does Mia Wallace keep it off? All that cocaine she snorts must be a hell of a calorie burner.

Total Calories: 2,486

Mia Wallace Jack Rabbit Slims


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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Dark Arts

Foot Fetish Jesus And Other Nightmares

Meet the minds behind Comedy Crib's latest series, Quirks and The Mirror.

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The Mirror and Quirks are really, really strange. Deeply disturbing yet hauntingly beautiful. But you really don’t need to read a synopsis of either of the aforementioned shows to understand the exact variety of nightmare-bonkers comedy these shows deliver — that’s why the good lord made links. Instead, take a peek behind the curtain and meet the creators.

Quirks

Let’s start with Kevin Tosi. Kevin does the whole show by himself. That doesn’t mean he’s a loner — Kevin has a day job with actual humans. But that day job is copywriting. So it’s only natural that his suppressed demons would manifest themselves in biting cartoon form, including “Foot Fetish Jesus”, in ways that somehow speak to all of us. If only all copywriters channeled their inner f*ckedupness into such…expressive art.

The Mirror

Onward to the folks at Wham City Comedy.

These guys aren’t your typical comedy collective in that their work is way more left-field and even elevated than your standard digital short. More funny weird than funny ha-ha. They’ve done collaborations with musicians like Beach House, Dan Deacon & Wye Oak, television networks (obviously), and others. Yeah they get paid, but their motivation feels deeper. Darker. Most of them are video artists, and that explains a lot.

See more of The Mirror and Quirks on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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