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DID YOU READ

Ranking the Foods in the Tarantino Universe From Healthiest to Unhealthiest

Big Kahuna

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Besides Samuel L. Jackson, homages to fringe genres of cinema’s past, bloodbaths, and a pretty uncomfortable relationship with the n-word, there’s one constant in Quentin Tarantino’s movies: food. (Well, that and lingering shots of women’s feet. Hey, we just calls ’em like we sees ’em.) Logically, then, the only reasonable thing to do is rank the many tasty foodstuffs calorie for calorie, because to hell with my free time. Here are some ground rules:

1. We’re ranking this based on calories. No carbs, fat, sodium, protein, etc.

2. These rankings are based on the calorie content of an entire meal. Doesn’t matter if Jules Winnfield just had one bite of a Big Kahuna burger — we’re taking the entire thing into account.

3. Standalone drinks don’t count, unless they’re part of a meal.

4. Almost every food was calculated using the same calorie-counting website for the sake of consistency.

And with that, here we go:

20. White Rice, Eaten Like a Dog, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Poor Beatrix Kiddo. Pai Mei makes her punch the crap out of a wooden board day after day. (Spoiler: the board wins.) During a consolation meal, Kiddo’s hands are so bloodied and bruised, she can’t hold a pair of chopsticks. So she tries to eat them with her hands. Pai Mei slaps her bowl away, insisting that if she eats like a dog, she gets nothing. On the plus side, there are several studies about the health benefits of fasting.

Total Calories: 0

Kill Bill


19. Hard Candy, Django Unchained

In a “blink-and-you’ll-miss-it” moment of food consumption, Calvin Candie pops a hard candy after the fight to the death in his upstairs quarters. What else would one expect to find at Candyland?

Total Calories: 24

Calvin Candie Django


18. White Rice, Eaten Like a Human, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Hey, there you go, Kiddo! After being berated like a child, The Bride gives it another go, and is rewarded for a full day of board pounding with…a tiny bowl of unflavored white rice. D’aw.

Total Calories: 121

Kill Bill Rice


 17. A Small Ham and Cheese Sandwich, Inglourious Basterds

At one point, Aldo Raine is seen eating a very tiny sandwich. One assumes there must be some kind of German farmhouse mustard on there. There is nothing else of note to say about this sandwich.

Total Calories: 180

Aldo_Raine_eating_sandwich


16. Knickerbocker Beer, Django Unchained

The beer-pouring scene from Django deserves a special exception to the “no drinks” rule for two reasons: 1) beer tended to be thicker back then, and 2) heavens, didn’t you want a beer after seeing Dr. Schultz’ meticulous pouring process?

Total Calories: 212-219, depending

Django Christoph Waltz


15. Metrix Weight Gain Shake, Jackie Brown

Why Melanie feels the need to be taking weight gain supplements is beyond me. Why not try Big Kahuna burgers?

Total Calories: 270

Jackie Brown Melanie


14. White Cake, Django Unchained

After celebrating the purchase — and freeing — of Hildi, Calvin Candie offers his latest clients a slice of white cake, heretofore known as “Symbolism: The Dessert.” It does not end well.

Total Calories: 350. Maybe less, since it’s a small-ish slice.

Calvin Candie White cake


13. Large Corn Muffin, Pulp Fiction

Towards the end of the film, Jules Winnfield has come to a Jesus revelation over a corn muffin. I can tell you it’s a corn muffin with about 85% certainty because I spent an hour watching the scene in slow motion. So let’s just agree that this is a large, non-buttered corn muffin, ok? Either way, it’s one life-changing muffin. As Jules might call it, a real “Muffin of Clarity.”

Total calories: 424 

Pulp Fiction Jules Winnfeld Muffin


12. Sushi, Kill Bill, Vol. 1

You may be calling shenanigans that we’re saying the sushi that Hattori Hanzo serves Beatrix Kiddo is less healthy than a corn muffin. But you have to take into account the rice, the portion size and the mercury content. Also the general cleanliness of Hanzo’s shop.

Total Calories: 496

Kill Bill Sushi


11. Bill’s Sandwiches, Kill Bill, Vol. 2

Say what you will about Bill, dude makes a hell of a sandwich. After reuniting Beatrix with her daughter, Bill makes a little late night snack for B.B. Now, we can tell the bread calories for certain because we can see that it’s Bimbo white bread (120 cal./slice). But it’s hard to see exactly what meat is being used. Looks like maybe bologna and turkey with a slice of American cheese, topped with mustard AND mayo (ooo la la! So fancy.) This might have been a smidge higher on the list, but he did cut the crusts off. Bill’s a good dad, after all.

Total Calories: 500

Kill Bill sandwich


10. Chicken Teriyaki, Jackie Brown

During the dry run of the bag switch, Jackie Brown has food from a teriyaki place. It’s hard to see exactly what she’s eating, but it’s something dark, and she has a bowl and chopsticks, so you’d think soba noodles. BUT — I can’t imagine that the Tarantino equivalent of Panda Express is rocking soba. The next logical assumption has got to be teriyaki, like it says on the side of her cup. Wash that down with a gigantic soda (assuming non-diet) and you’ve got quite a high-caloric meal.

Total Calories: 540

Jackie Brown Mall


9. Breakfast Platter, Pulp Fiction

Pumpkin and Honey Bunny wax poetic about committing crimes while Pumpkin feasts on sausages, hash browns, eggs and maybe a small waffle. Top it off with a cup of coffee and you’re looking at 545 calories, which is a good healthy breakfast for executing every last person in the restaurant (supposing they move/aren’t cool).

Total Calories: 545

Pulp Fiction Pumpkin

8. Pancakes and Bacon, Pulp Fiction

While Pumpkin and Honey Bunny are discussing executions and what have you, Vincent Vega sits just a few booths over, chomping down on some huge pancakes with maple syrup and a few slices of bacon. We know it’s bacon because he offers some over to Jules before the two explore the morality of pork consumption. Then he leaves to go number #2, which is always the sign for trouble in the Pulp Fiction-verse.

Total Calories: 635

Vincent Vega diner


7. Apple Strudel, Inglourious Basterds

You’ve gotta hand it to Christoph Waltz — he managed to make this apple strudel the most terrifying dessert since that cupcake that spits tobacco in Chris Elliot’s face in Cabin Boy. Combine the homemade strudel with hand-prepared whipped cream and a tall glass of whole milk, and the calories start adding up.

Total Calories: 644

Christoph Waltz Strudel


6. Whatever They’re Eating at the Diner, Reservoir Dogs

Tarantino never actually shows anyone’s plate in Reservoir Dogs, but we can figure it out based on their bill. See, Joe mentions that everyone at the table needs to leave a $1 tip. That’s $8 for the tip, which means a $53 tab (assuming 15% tip). Minus drinks (and I’m making some assumptions) and you’ve got $42.75 in food costs, or, $5.34 per diner. After usual restaurant markup, you’re looking at a cost of $1.87 per plate. What the hell could be so cheap? Probably basic, non-meat food: eggs, white toast with butter, and home fries. This meal gets extra calories from whoever was drinking beer with breakfast (one assumes the soon-to-be-killed Mr. Brown and Mr. Blue. Who drinks before a heist?)

Total Calories: 725

Reservoir Dogs Diner


5. Big Kahuna Burger, Pulp Fiction

The meal from Big Kahuna Burger is not what it seems. Sure, you’ve got a standard looking burger (cheese, ketchup, lettuce, probably a quarter pound of beef), fries and a large Sprite. BUT. Remember that they define Big Kahuna Burger as “that new Hawaiian burger joint.” Now, I didn’t see any pineapples on that burger, so what the hell makes this thing Hawaiian? Bingo! Hawaiian rolls. There’s sugar in that roll, which means more calories. (No wonder it’s such a tasty burger.) Granted Jules only takes a bite. But Brett, Flock of Seagulls hair and the rest were having Big Kahunas first thing in the morning. Breakfast of champions? More like breakfast of heart disease sufferers.

Total Calories: 1,136 

Burger Pulp Fiction


4. Let’s See, Steak, Steak, Steak…I’ll Have the Douglas Sirk Steak, Bloody as Hell, and, Oh Yeah, Look at This, a Vanilla Coke, Pulp Fiction

I can’t tell you how disappointed I was to learn that Jack Rabbit Slim’s isn’t a real restaurant. Anyway. Vincent Vega has a veritable feast on his platonic date with Mia Wallace. No wonder he spends so much time on the can.

Total Calories: 1,440

Vincent Vega Steak


3. Sheronda’s Mexican Spread, Jackie Brown

Poor, nervous Sheronda shows up with one of the biggest plates of food I’ve ever seen in my life. Best I can tell, we’re looking at pinto beans, rice, and enchilada, maybe a taco or two, and a big soda. Come on, Sheronda! You’re making a pickup! You can’t eat food that upsets your stomach that much! You’re going to ruin the whole thing.

Total Calories: 1,440

Sheronda Jackie Brown


2. Stuntman Mike’s Killer Nachos, Deathproof

Jesus Christ, look at those things. Watching Kurt Russell go to town on a plate of epic ‘chos is equal parts disgusting and appealing. By the by, you can find the actual meal — “Killer Nachos” — at the Texas Chili Parlor in Austin, TX, which is where the scene was filmed. But please, for the sake of the waitstaff, be neater than Stuntman Mike.

Total Calories: 1,815

Death Proof Nachos


1. The Durward Kirby Burger, bloody, and…a $5 Shake, Martin and Lewis, Pulp Fiction

Yep. The king of Tarantino gustatory bombs can be found at Jack Rabbit Slim’s. Now, that deluxe burger and that huge mound of fries are obviously packed with calories. But what tips the proverbial scales is the $5 shake. That’s 30 ounces of vanilla ice cream and milk, whipped together and served with a cherry on top. How does Mia Wallace keep it off? All that cocaine she snorts must be a hell of a calorie burner.

Total Calories: 2,486

Mia Wallace Jack Rabbit Slims


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Hacked In

Funny or Die Is Taking Over

FOD TV comes to IFC every Saturday night.

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We’ve been fans of Funny or Die since we first met The Landlord. That enduring love makes it more than logical, then, that IFC is totally cool with FOD hijacking the airwaves every Saturday night. Yes, that’s happening.

The appropriately titled FOD TV looks like something pulled from public access television in the nineties. Like lo-fi broken-antenna reception and warped VHS tapes. Equal parts WTF and UHF.

Get ready for characters including The Shirtless Painter, Long-Haired Businessmen, and Pigeon Man. They’re aptly named, but for a better sense of what’s in store, here’s a taste of ASMR with Kelly Whispers:

Watch FOD TV every Saturday night during IFC’s regularly scheduled movies.

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Wicked Good

See More Evil

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is on Hulu.

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Okay, so you missed the entire first season of Stan Against Evil. There’s no shame in that, per se. But here’s the thing: Season 2 is just around the corner and you don’t want to lag behind. After all, Season 1 had some critical character development, not to mention countless plot twists, and a breathless finale cliffhanger that’s been begging for resolution since last fall. It also had this:

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The good news is that you can catch up right now on Hulu. Phew. But if you aren’t streaming yet, here’s a basic primer…

Willards Mill Is Evil

Stan spent his whole career as sheriff oblivious to the fact that his town has a nasty curse. Mostly because his recently-deceased wife was secretly killing demons and keeping Stan alive.

Demons Really Want To Kill Stan

The curse on Willards Mill stipulates that damned souls must hunt and kill each and every town sheriff, or “constable.” Oh, and these demons are shockingly creative.

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They Also Want To Kill Evie

Why? Because Evie’s a sheriff too, and the curse on Willard’s Mill doesn’t have a “one at a time” clause. Bummer, Evie.

Stan and Evie Must Work Together

Beating the curse will take two, baby, but that’s easier said than done because Stan doesn’t always seem to give a damn. Damn!

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Beware of Goats

It goes without saying for anyone who’s seen the show: If you know that ancient evil wants to kill you, be wary of anything that has cloven feet.

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Season 2 Is Lurking

Scary new things are slouching towards Willards Mill. An impending darkness descending on Stan, Evie and their cohort – eviler evil, more demony demons, and whatnot. And if Stan wants to survive, he’ll have to get even Stanlier.

Stan Against Evil Season 1 is now streaming right now on Hulu.

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SO EXCITED!!!

Reminders that the ’90s were a thing

"The Place We Live" is available for a Jessie Spano-level binge on Comedy Crib.

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Unless you stopped paying attention to the world at large in 1989, you are of course aware that the ’90s are having their pop cultural second coming. Nobody is more acutely aware of this than Dara Katz and Betsy Kenney, two comedians who met doing improv comedy and have just made their Comedy Crib debut with the hilarious ’90s TV throwback series, The Place We Live.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Dara: It’s everything you loved–or loved to hate—from Melrose Place and 90210 but condensed to five minutes, funny (on purpose) and totally absurd.

IFC: How would you describe “The Place We Live” to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Betsy: “Hey Todd, why don’t you have a sip of water. Also, I think you’ll love The Place We Live because everyone has issues…just like you, Todd.”

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IFC: When you were living through the ’90s, did you think it was television’s golden age or the pop culture apocalypse?


Betsy: I wasn’t sure I knew what it was, I just knew I loved it!


Dara: Same. Was just happy that my parents let me watch. But looking back, the ’90s honored The Teen. And for that, it’s the golden age of pop culture. 

IFC: Which ’90s shows did you mine for the series, and why?

Betsy: Melrose and 90210 for the most part. If you watch an episode of either of those shows you’ll see they’re a comedic gold mine. In one single episode, they cover serious crimes, drug problems, sex and working in a law firm and/or gallery, all while being young, hot and skinny.


Dara: And almost any series we were watching in the ’90s, Full House, Saved By the Bell, My So Called Life has very similar themes, archetypes and really stupid-intense drama. We took from a lot of places. 

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IFC: How would you describe each of the show’s characters in terms of their ’90s TV stereotype?

Dara: Autumn (Sunita Mani) is the femme fatale. Robin (Dara Katz) is the book worm (because she wears glasses). Candace (Betsy Kenney) is Corey’s twin and gives great advice and has really great hair. Corey (Casey Jost) is the boy next door/popular guy. Candace and Corey’s parents decided to live in a car so the gang can live in their house. 
Lee (Jonathan Braylock) is the jock.

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Dara: Because everyone’s feeling major ’90s nostalgia right now, and this is that, on steroids while also being a totally new, silly thing.

Delight in the whole season of The Place We Live right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. It’ll take you back in all the right ways.