DID YOU READ

What ’90s Movies Would Look Like If They Were Made Today

boogie-nights

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It seems like every day Hollywood announces a new remake of some ’90s classic or non-classic. To help Hollywood ruin, er, recycle our youth, here’s what some ’90s classics would look like if they were made today, complete with new posters by Kristy Puchko. You’re welcome, Hollywood.

Boogie Nights

We all enjoyed the closing credits gags at the end of 22 Jump Street which cast Channing Tatum and Jonah Hill in various absurd sequels. So why not send them back to the ’70s for a Boogie Nights reboot?

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Of course Tatum would play Dirk Diggler while Hill would channel John C. Reilly in the Reed Rothchild role. The rest of the cast would be rounded out by Christoph Waltz (Jack Horner), Amy Adams (Amber Waves), and Shailene Woodley (Rollergirl). And Don Cheadle could reprise the role of Buck Swope because every movie could use more Cheadle.


Forrest Gump

Steve Carell is already on his way to becoming the next Tom Hanks, so he might as well play one of the beloved actor’s most iconic roles.

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Only this time the movie would be about Forrest’s son or something and follow his wacky misadventures and encounters with famous people throughout the ’90s and ’00s. Who wouldn’t want to see Forrest trade war stories with John Kerry???


Reality Bites

The ’90s were all about being ironic and meta. So why not cast Jesse Eisenberg, Kristen Stewart and Adam Driver in a remake of the ’90s classic Reality Bites that is set during the ’90s? (They’ve already got the inarticulate stammering thing down, after all.)

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Remember the scene where the gang sings the 1970s classic “My Sharona” in the convenience store? Well, now watch as a modern cast gets nostalgic for the ’70s while playing characters you loved from the ’90s. Uh oh! Looks like your head just exploded.


Pulp Fiction

Call it sacrilege if you must. But wait until you hear the new cast: Chris Pratt (Vincent Vega), Jamie Foxx (Jules Winnfield), Scarlett Johansson (Mia Wallace), Idris Elba (Marsellus Wallace), Oscar Isaac (Butch), Jillian Bell (Honey Bunny/Yolanda), Jack O’Connell (Pumpkin/Ringo), John Goodman (The Wolf), Quentin Tarantino (Jimmie), Christopher Walken (Christopher Walken) and Joe Piscopo (The Gimp). We’ll take our million dollars now, thank you.

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel


There’s Something About Mary¬†

Hey, Emma Stone already went blonde for the recent Spider-Man movies. And she also had to deal with sticky fluid. So, uh, yeah, we’ll just let you fill in the blanks with this one…

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

Kristy Puchko/Nick Nadel

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SAG Life

Rappers Act Up

Watch the Yo! IFC Acts Movie Marathon Memorial Day Weekend.

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Photo Credit: Courtesy of the Everett Collection (and the '90s)

Memorial Day weekend: how to celebrate? Nothing quite says “screw spring—let’s do summer” like blockbuster movies starring rappers who ditched lucrative music careers in order to become actors. It happened a lot, remember? Especially in and around the ’90s. Will Smith, Eminem, Ice Cube, Ice-T, Marky Mark Wahlberg, Ludacris…icons with the hubris to try the silver screen instead and have it totally work out.

But what if more rappers had made the leap? That’s a rhetorical question—movies (and life) would’ve been better, obviously. To prove it, here are some movies that would’ve been more memorable with rappers.

The Godfather

Starring Biggie, not Brando.
Godfather-BIG

Charlie And The Chocolate Factory

Only Coolio could improve upon Gene Wilder’s performance.
Coolio-Wonka

Billy Elliot

Billy Elliot, with a dose of Missy Elliott.
Missy-Billy-Elliott

Robin Hood: Prince of Thieves

Low hanging fruit, Hollywood.
Robin-Hood-and-Lil-Jon

And of course…

Kanye-of-The-Lambs

See NONE of those movies and a whole bunch of real ones this Memorial Day weekend on IFC’s rapper-filled movie marathon.

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Brock Hard

Brockmire’s Guide To Grabbing Life By The D***

Catch up on the full season of Brockmire now.

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GIFs by Giphy

“Lucy, put supper on the stove, my dear, because this ballgame is over!”

Brockmire has officially closed out its rookie season. Miss the finale episode? A handful of episodes? The whole blessed season?? You can see it all from the beginning, starting right here.

And you should get started, because every minute you spend otherwise will be a minute spent not living your best life. That’s right, there are very important life lessons that Brockmire hid in plain sight—lessons that, when applied thoughtfully, can improve every aspect of your awesome existence. Let’s dive into some sage nuggets from what we call the Book of Jim.

Life Should Be Spiked, Not Watered Down.

That’s not just a fancy metaphor. As Brockmire points out, water tastes “awful. 70% of the water is made up of that shit?” Life is short, water sucks, live like you mean it.

There Are Only Three Types of People

“Poor people, rich people and famous people. Rich people are just poor people with money, so the only worthwhile thing is being famous.” So next time your rich friends act all high and mighty, politely remind them that they’re worthless in the eyes of even the most minor celebrities.

There’s Always A Reason To Get Out Of Bed

And 99% of the time that reason is the urge to pee. It’s nature’s way of saying “seize the day.”

There’s More To Life Than Playing Games

“Baseball can’t compete with p0rnography. Nothing can.” Nothing you do or ever will do can be more important to people than p0rn. Get off your high horse.

A Little Empathy Goes A Long Way

Especially if you’ve taken someone else’s Plan B by mistake.

Our Weaknesses Can Be Our Greatest Strengths

Tyrion Lannister said something similar. Hard to tell who said it with more colorful profanity. Wise sentiments all around.

Big Things Come To Those Who Wait

When you’re looking for a sign, the universe will drop you a big one. You’re the sh*t, universe.

And Of Course…

Need more life lessons from the Book of Jim? Catch up on Brockmire on the IFC App.

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Oh Mama

Mommie May I?

Mommie Dearest Is On Repeat All Mothers Day Long On IFC

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GIFs via Giphy

The cult-classic movie Mommie Dearest is a game-changer. If you’ve seen it even just once (but come on, who sees it just once?), then you already know what we’re talking about.

But if you haven’t seen it, then let us break it down for you. Really quick, we promise, we’ll even list things out to spare you the reading of a paragraph:

1. It’s the 1981 biopic based on the memoir of Christina Crawford, Hollywood icon Joan Crawford’s adopted daughter.
2. Faye Dunaway plays Joan. And boy does she play her. Loud and over-reactive.
3. It was intended as a drama, but…
4. Waaaaaay over-the-top performances and bargain-basement dialogue rendered it an accidental comedy.
5. It’s a cult classic, and you’re the last person to see it.

Not sold? Don’t believe it’s going to change your life? Ok, maybe over-the-top acting isn’t your thing, or perhaps you don’t like the lingering electricity of a good primal scream, or Joan Crawford is your personal icon and you can’t bear to see her cast in such a creepy light.

But none of that matters.

What’s important is that seeing this movie gives you permission to react to minor repeat annoyances with unrestrained histrionics.

That there is a key moment. Is she crazy? Yeah. But she’s also right. Shoulder nipples are horrible, wire hangers are the worst, and yelling about it feels strangely justified. She did it, we can do it. Precedent set. You’re welcome.

So what else can we yell about? Channel your inner Joan and consider the following list offenses when choosing your next meltdown.

Improperly Hung Toilet Paper

Misplaced Apostrophes

Coldplay at Karaoke

Dad Jokes

Gluten Free Pizza

James Franco

The list of potential pedestrian grievances is actually quite daunting, but when IFC airs Mommie Dearest non-stop for a full day, you’ll have 24 bonus hours to mull it over. 24 bonus hours to nail that lunatic shriek. 24 bonus hours to remember that, really, your mom is comparatively the best.

So please, celebrate Mother’s Day with Mommie Dearest on IFC and at IFC.com. And for the love of god—NO WIRE HANGERS EVER.

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