DID YOU READ

5 Ways The Show Friends Ruined My Life

Friends-Cast

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When Friends debuted in September of 1994, I was just starting my senior year of high school. Like most teens, I based everything I thought I knew about my post-high school life on mix-and-matched chunks of pop culture. So basically I was certain that my young adulthood would look like a cross between a Cameron Crowe movie and Friends. Now, I’m not saying this was or is the most intelligent theory one could come up with. But then again, when has the average American teenager ever been known to exercise impressible amounts of intelligence?

It wasn’t until recently, after Netflix made every episode of Friends available and I enthusiastically overdosed on a two season bingewatch, that I realized how much 17-year-old me subconsciously took from that show. Moreover, how believing said things potentially ruined my life. Okay, maybe ruined is a bit dramatic. But it definitely messed with my head enough to cause some excessive alcohol consumption when reality came crashing through my Friends-induced dreams.


5. The whole “moving to NYC on a whim and living off minimum wage” thing doesn’t work.

For decades, New York City has been one of the cities that young people dream of moving to in order to “make it.” In fact, a large number of people who live in NYC aren’t originally from within a 25-mile radius of the city. But one day they pack up their belongings, drain their savings account, and make their way to the Big Apple in the hopes of starting a new life and assuming a somewhat new identity based off the person they want to be versus the person they currently are.

Shortly after arrival the wave of euphoria is replaced by a wave of panic when the reality of finding a job, and an apartment, sets in. While both seem to be in abundance, so is the number of people vying for them. And much like Rachel slinging coffee until she finds a “real job,” most new New Yorkers end up working in retail or the service industry which is fine, but unless you have fine dining experience or know how to tend bar, don’t count on making enough money to live off of from just one job. Nope, you’ll be doubling down on two jobs that are in no way what you want to be doing with your life all so you can make rent in your 600 sq. foot (if you’re lucky) apartment in your walk-up building that you share with two other roommates and has a shower in the kitchen. Remember, kids: you have to be rich just to be poor in NYC.


4. In NYC, rent control is more of an urban legend than a reality.

Monica boasted early on about how she gained her apartment through her grandmother who, as far as the building management was concerned, still lived there. Okay, fine. Let’s go with that. But in reality, less than 2% of all New Yorkers have or have ever had rent-controlled apartments. So odds are not likely that Mon would score a nearly 1,200 sq. ft. apartment in Soho and even if she had, Joey and Chandler would’ve been priced out of their apartment across the hall years ago.

It’s much more likely that someone lives in a rent stabilized apartment, which still would see some level of rent increases annually. But in the real world, one is more likely to find such apartments in neighborhoods that aren’t Soho. And if they find them, expect to live in a walk-up building that most likely accepts low-income housing and is possibly a little sketchy.

But you know what isn’t a myth? Roaches, rats, and mice. No matter how clean YOU may be, I promise you will end up walking out of the shower one day and seeing at least one of these in your kitchen area (let’s be honest, you can’t afford a separate kitchen) or scurrying into a hole in your wall that you never knew existed. It’s a shame you can’t collect rent from them.


3. NYC coffee shops aren’t that big or that cozy. And you’ll never afford to spend as much time in one as they do.

When I think back to the list of favorite coffee shops I’ve amassed over the years, not one of them is even half the size of Central Perk. (And if they were, they certainly didn’t have a giant comfy couch and several chairs always reserved for just me and my friends.) That’s actually better off, because in reality most New Yorkers don’t have the time or luxury of being able to spend even half the amount of time lazing around in a coffee shop that the cast of Friends did because they have to do a little thing called “go to work.” It costs some serious coin to afford to live in this city and at an average of $3.75 for a cup of joe, I learned pretty quickly that not only would I rarely spend more than 10 minutes in a coffee shop at a time, but also that making coffee at home was nicer to my wallet.

2.You can’t sleep with all your friends and stay friends.

Ross and Rachel
NBC

At some point, no matter how “cool” or “close” all of you are, if everyone starts banging everyone else then you will definitely need to find a new set of friends. And probably move, because it’s super awkward that all of you live within 10 feet of each other. In reality I’ve stayed cordial with most of my exes, but in no way are they part of my immediate circle of friends nor are they best friends with each other. However I, like everyone else, have at least an ex or two that I wish could magically get spun off the planet and drift out into space and explode. But a quick Google search tells me that one, people don’t explode in space without a suit or helmet and, two, you can’t get spun off the Earth because gravity just ruins everything.

In a city of 8 million people at some point you will run into an ex. It’s a phenomenon that is unexplainable and unavoidable. This is why I have the EXscape plan, which I highly recommend that everyone living in NYC should have. Think of it like a fire extinguisher or renters insurance: you may never suffer the tragic events that deem them necessary, but it’s comforting to know you have them just in case. If you’re lucky, you will see your ex before they see you. Then, you can maneuver a quick escape route and avoid the impending face-to-face with the last person you want to see. The EXscape plan means thinking quick on your feet. It’s helpful to know your exits at all times, similar to the emergency exits on a plane. You can either duck into a store, down the nearest subway stairs, or hop in a cab and go to the nearest airport and by a one-way ticket to a city that no one you have ever dated lives in. Your call.


1. My lobster ended up in someone else’s tank.

Friends Lobster
NBC

Almost every women in their thirties knows what it means when you say someone is their lobster. I say almost because there may be a few Goths or homeschooled kids that may have never seen the episode when Rachel finds out that Ross almost rescued her prom by volunteering as her date when Chip looked like he wasn’t showing up. Then Rachel kisses Ross because according to Phoebe he’s her lobster and lobsters, as she explained earlier in the episode, “walk around holding claws and love each other forever.” The “he’s her lobster” term is something that many women now in their thirties latched on to as teens, hoping to cutely apply to their future one and only.

That being said, I totally had a lobster. Or I thought I had a lobster. But then my lobster ended up in someone else’s tank. Just like everyone has at least one ex they never want to see again, they probably have one that will forever be adored by them and all their friends. It’s the one ex that you maybe sleep with between current relationships if you’re both single, that you get nostalgic about and only see everything good that existed between the two of you, and occasionally imagine some fairytale where after all is said and done the two of you end up together forever.

In reality, your lobster is probably a lot like mine in the sense that you two only exist as this perfect forever couple in a fantasy. In fact, you probably didn’t date each other for very long before things fizzled and just didn’t work out. And since it was a short relationship you never got to the serious stuff or saw each other’s ugly sides. The relationship didn’t last past the honeymoon phase, so it’s forever frozen in time as this great thing that could have been and is maybe meant to be. But it isn’t. Because the truth is no one ends up with his or her lobster. Which is totally fine because lobsters don’t even mate for life anyway. Besides, when exactly did Phoebe become an expert on the romantic lives of crustaceans anyway?

Cher Martinetti is a NYC-based writer who writes for IFC, Cracked, and Blastr. Follow her on Twitter where she’s occasionally funny by accident and/or tweeting about her dogs.

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Hard Out

Comedy From The Closet

Janice and Jeffrey Available Now On IFC's Comedy Crib

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She’s been referred to as “the love child of Amy Sedaris and Tracy Ullman,” and he’s a self-described “Italian who knows how to cook a great spaghetti alla carbonara.” They’re Mollie Merkel and Matteo Lane, prolific indie comedians who blended their robust creative juices to bring us the new Comedy Crib series Janice and Jeffrey. Mollie and Matteo took time to answer our probing questions about their series and themselves. Here’s a taste.

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IFC: How would you describe Janice and Jeffrey to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?

Mollie & Matteo: Janice and Jeffrey is about a married couple experiencing intimacy issues but who don’t have a clue it’s because they are gay. Their oblivion makes them even more endearing.  Their total lack of awareness provides for a buffet of comedy.

IFC: What’s your origin story? How did you two people meet and how long have you been working together?

Mollie: We met at a dive bar in Wrigley Field Chicago. It was a show called Entertaining Julie… It was a cool variety scene with lots of talented people. I was doing Janice one night and Matteo was doing an impression of Liza Minnelli. We sort of just fell in love with each other’s… ACT! Matteo made the first move and told me how much he loved Janice and I drove home feeling like I just met someone really special.

IFC: How would Janice describe Jeffrey?

Mollie: “He can paint, cook homemade Bolognese, and sing Opera. Not to mention he has a great body. He makes me feel empowered and free. He doesn’t suffocate me with attention so our love has room to breath.”

IFC: How would Jeffrey describe Janice?

Matteo: “Like a Ford. Built to last.”

IFC: Why do you think the world is ready for this series?

Mollie & Matteo: Our current political world is mirroring and reflecting this belief that homosexuality is wrong. So what better time for satire. Everyone is so pro gay and equal rights, which is of course what we want, too. But no one is looking at middle America and people actually in the closet. No one is saying, hey this is really painful and tragic, and sitting with that. Having compassion but providing the desperate relief of laughter…This seemed like the healthiest, best way to “fight” the gay rights “fight”.

IFC: Hummus is hilarious. Why is it so funny?

Mollie: It just seems like something people take really seriously, which is funny to me. I started to see it in a lot of lesbians’ refrigerators at a time. It’s like observing a lesbian in a comfortable shoe. It’s a language we speak. Pass the Hummus. Turn on the Indigo Girls would ya?

See the whole season of Janice and Jeffrey right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Die Hard Dads

Inspiration For Die Hard Dads

Die Hard is on IFC all Father's Day Long

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIPHY

Yippee ki-yay, everybody! It’s time to celebrate the those most literal of mother-effers: dads!

And just in case the title of this post left anything to the imagination, IFC is giving dads balls-to-the-wall ’80s treatment with a glorious marathon of action trailblazer Die Hard.

There are so many things we could say about Die Hard. We could talk about how it was comedian Bruce Willis’s first foray into action flicks, or Alan Rickman’s big screen debut. But dads don’t give a sh!t about that stuff.

No, dads just want to fantasize that they could be deathproof quip factory John McClane in their own mundane lives. So while you celebrate the fathers in your life, consider how John McClane would respond to these traditional “dad” moments…

Wedding Toasts

Dads always struggle to find the right words of welcome to extend to new family. John McClane, on the other hand, is the master of inclusivity.
Die Hard wedding

Using Public Restrooms

While nine out of ten dads would rather die than use a disgusting public bathroom, McClane isn’t bothered one bit. So long as he can fit a bloody foot in the sink, he’s G2G.
Die Hard restroom

Awkward Dancing

Because every dad needs a signature move.
Die Hard dance

Writing Thank You Notes

It can be hard for dads to express gratitude. Not only can McClane articulate his thanks, he makes it feel personal.
Die Hard thank you

Valentine’s Day

How would John McClane say “I heart you” in a way that ain’t cliche? The image speaks for itself.
Die Hard valentines

Shopping

The only thing most dads hate more than shopping is fielding eleventh-hour phone calls with additional items for the list. But does McClane throw a typical man-tantrum? Nope. He finds the words to express his feelings like a goddam adult.
Die Hard thank you

Last Minute Errands

John McClane knows when a fight isn’t worth fighting.
Die Hard errands

Sneaking Out Of The Office Early

What is this, high school? Make a real exit, dads.
Die Hard office

Think you or your dad could stand to be more like Bruce? Role model fodder abounds in the Die Hard marathon all Father’s Day long on IFC.

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Founding Farters

Know Your Nerd History

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs via Giphy

That we live in the heyday of nerds is no hot secret. Scientists are celebrities, musicians are robots and late night hosts can recite every word of the Silmarillion. It’s too easy to think that it’s always been this way. But the truth is we owe much to our nerd forebearers who toiled through the jock-filled ’80s so that we might take over the world.

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Our humble beginnings are perhaps best captured in iconic ’80s romp Revenge of the Nerds. Like the founding fathers of our Country, the titular nerds rose above their circumstances to culturally pave the way for every Colbert and deGrasse Tyson that we know and love today.

To make sure you’re in the know about our very important cultural roots, here’s a quick download of the vengeful nerds without whom our shameful stereotypes might never have evolved.

Lewis Skolnick

The George Washington of nerds whose unflappable optimism – even in the face of humiliating self-awareness – basically gave birth to the Geek Pride movement.

Gilbert Lowe

OK, this guy is wet blanket, but an important wet blanket. Think Aaron Burr to Lin-Manuel Miranda’s Hamilton. His glass-mostly-empty attitude is a galvanizing force for Lewis. Who knows if Lewis could have kept up his optimism without Lowe’s Debbie-Downer outlook?

Arnold Poindexter

A music nerd who, after a soft start (inside joke, you’ll get it later), came out of his shell and let his passion lead instead of his anxiety. If you played an instrument (specifically, electric violin), and you were a nerd, this was your patron saint.

Booger

A sex-loving, blunt-smoking, nose-picking guitar hero. If you don’t think he sounds like a classic nerd, you’re absolutely right. And that’s the whole point. Along with Lamar, he simultaneously expanded the definition of nerd and gave pre-existing nerds a twisted sort of cred by association.

Lamar Latrell

Black, gay, and a crazy good breakdancer. In other words, a total groundbreaker. He proved to the world that nerds don’t have a single mold, but are simply outcasts waiting for their moment.

Ogre

Exceedingly stupid, this dumbass was monumental because he (in a sequel) leaves the jocks to become a nerd. Totally unheard of back then. Now all jocks are basically nerds.

Well, there they are. Never forget that we stand on their shoulders.

Revenge of the Nerds is on IFC all month long.

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