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DID YOU READ

5 Ways The Show Friends Ruined My Life

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When Friends debuted in September of 1994, I was just starting my senior year of high school. Like most teens, I based everything I thought I knew about my post-high school life on mix-and-matched chunks of pop culture. So basically I was certain that my young adulthood would look like a cross between a Cameron Crowe movie and Friends. Now, I’m not saying this was or is the most intelligent theory one could come up with. But then again, when has the average American teenager ever been known to exercise impressible amounts of intelligence?

It wasn’t until recently, after Netflix made every episode of Friends available and I enthusiastically overdosed on a two season bingewatch, that I realized how much 17-year-old me subconsciously took from that show. Moreover, how believing said things potentially ruined my life. Okay, maybe ruined is a bit dramatic. But it definitely messed with my head enough to cause some excessive alcohol consumption when reality came crashing through my Friends-induced dreams.


5. The whole “moving to NYC on a whim and living off minimum wage” thing doesn’t work.

For decades, New York City has been one of the cities that young people dream of moving to in order to “make it.” In fact, a large number of people who live in NYC aren’t originally from within a 25-mile radius of the city. But one day they pack up their belongings, drain their savings account, and make their way to the Big Apple in the hopes of starting a new life and assuming a somewhat new identity based off the person they want to be versus the person they currently are.

Shortly after arrival the wave of euphoria is replaced by a wave of panic when the reality of finding a job, and an apartment, sets in. While both seem to be in abundance, so is the number of people vying for them. And much like Rachel slinging coffee until she finds a “real job,” most new New Yorkers end up working in retail or the service industry which is fine, but unless you have fine dining experience or know how to tend bar, don’t count on making enough money to live off of from just one job. Nope, you’ll be doubling down on two jobs that are in no way what you want to be doing with your life all so you can make rent in your 600 sq. foot (if you’re lucky) apartment in your walk-up building that you share with two other roommates and has a shower in the kitchen. Remember, kids: you have to be rich just to be poor in NYC.


4. In NYC, rent control is more of an urban legend than a reality.

Monica boasted early on about how she gained her apartment through her grandmother who, as far as the building management was concerned, still lived there. Okay, fine. Let’s go with that. But in reality, less than 2% of all New Yorkers have or have ever had rent-controlled apartments. So odds are not likely that Mon would score a nearly 1,200 sq. ft. apartment in Soho and even if she had, Joey and Chandler would’ve been priced out of their apartment across the hall years ago.

It’s much more likely that someone lives in a rent stabilized apartment, which still would see some level of rent increases annually. But in the real world, one is more likely to find such apartments in neighborhoods that aren’t Soho. And if they find them, expect to live in a walk-up building that most likely accepts low-income housing and is possibly a little sketchy.

But you know what isn’t a myth? Roaches, rats, and mice. No matter how clean YOU may be, I promise you will end up walking out of the shower one day and seeing at least one of these in your kitchen area (let’s be honest, you can’t afford a separate kitchen) or scurrying into a hole in your wall that you never knew existed. It’s a shame you can’t collect rent from them.


3. NYC coffee shops aren’t that big or that cozy. And you’ll never afford to spend as much time in one as they do.

When I think back to the list of favorite coffee shops I’ve amassed over the years, not one of them is even half the size of Central Perk. (And if they were, they certainly didn’t have a giant comfy couch and several chairs always reserved for just me and my friends.) That’s actually better off, because in reality most New Yorkers don’t have the time or luxury of being able to spend even half the amount of time lazing around in a coffee shop that the cast of Friends did because they have to do a little thing called “go to work.” It costs some serious coin to afford to live in this city and at an average of $3.75 for a cup of joe, I learned pretty quickly that not only would I rarely spend more than 10 minutes in a coffee shop at a time, but also that making coffee at home was nicer to my wallet.

2.You can’t sleep with all your friends and stay friends.

Ross and Rachel
NBC

At some point, no matter how “cool” or “close” all of you are, if everyone starts banging everyone else then you will definitely need to find a new set of friends. And probably move, because it’s super awkward that all of you live within 10 feet of each other. In reality I’ve stayed cordial with most of my exes, but in no way are they part of my immediate circle of friends nor are they best friends with each other. However I, like everyone else, have at least an ex or two that I wish could magically get spun off the planet and drift out into space and explode. But a quick Google search tells me that one, people don’t explode in space without a suit or helmet and, two, you can’t get spun off the Earth because gravity just ruins everything.

In a city of 8 million people at some point you will run into an ex. It’s a phenomenon that is unexplainable and unavoidable. This is why I have the EXscape plan, which I highly recommend that everyone living in NYC should have. Think of it like a fire extinguisher or renters insurance: you may never suffer the tragic events that deem them necessary, but it’s comforting to know you have them just in case. If you’re lucky, you will see your ex before they see you. Then, you can maneuver a quick escape route and avoid the impending face-to-face with the last person you want to see. The EXscape plan means thinking quick on your feet. It’s helpful to know your exits at all times, similar to the emergency exits on a plane. You can either duck into a store, down the nearest subway stairs, or hop in a cab and go to the nearest airport and by a one-way ticket to a city that no one you have ever dated lives in. Your call.


1. My lobster ended up in someone else’s tank.

Friends Lobster
NBC

Almost every women in their thirties knows what it means when you say someone is their lobster. I say almost because there may be a few Goths or homeschooled kids that may have never seen the episode when Rachel finds out that Ross almost rescued her prom by volunteering as her date when Chip looked like he wasn’t showing up. Then Rachel kisses Ross because according to Phoebe he’s her lobster and lobsters, as she explained earlier in the episode, “walk around holding claws and love each other forever.” The “he’s her lobster” term is something that many women now in their thirties latched on to as teens, hoping to cutely apply to their future one and only.

That being said, I totally had a lobster. Or I thought I had a lobster. But then my lobster ended up in someone else’s tank. Just like everyone has at least one ex they never want to see again, they probably have one that will forever be adored by them and all their friends. It’s the one ex that you maybe sleep with between current relationships if you’re both single, that you get nostalgic about and only see everything good that existed between the two of you, and occasionally imagine some fairytale where after all is said and done the two of you end up together forever.

In reality, your lobster is probably a lot like mine in the sense that you two only exist as this perfect forever couple in a fantasy. In fact, you probably didn’t date each other for very long before things fizzled and just didn’t work out. And since it was a short relationship you never got to the serious stuff or saw each other’s ugly sides. The relationship didn’t last past the honeymoon phase, so it’s forever frozen in time as this great thing that could have been and is maybe meant to be. But it isn’t. Because the truth is no one ends up with his or her lobster. Which is totally fine because lobsters don’t even mate for life anyway. Besides, when exactly did Phoebe become an expert on the romantic lives of crustaceans anyway?

Cher Martinetti is a NYC-based writer who writes for IFC, Cracked, and Blastr. Follow her on Twitter where she’s occasionally funny by accident and/or tweeting about her dogs.

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A-O Rewind

Celebrating Portlandia One Sketch at a Time

The final season of Portlandia approaches.

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Most people measure time in minutes, hours, days, years…At IFC, we measure it in sketches. And nothing takes us way (waaaaaay) back like Portlandia sketches. Yes, there’s a Portlandia milepost from every season that changed the way we think, behave, and pickle things. In honor of Portlandia’s 8th and final season, Subaru presents a few of our favorites.

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Put A Bird On It

Portlandia enters the pop-culture lexicon and inspires us to put birds on literally everything.

Colin the Chicken

Who’s your chicken, really? Behold the emerging locavore trend captured perfectly to the nth degree.

Dream Of The ’90s

This treatise on Portland made it clear that “the dream” was alive and well.

No You Go

We Americans spend most of our lives in cars. Fortunately, there’s a Portlandia sketch for every automotive situation.

A-O River!

We learned all our outdoor survival skills from Kath and Dave.

One More Episode

The true birth of binge watching, pre-Netflix. And what you’ll do once Season 8 premieres.

Catch up on Portlandia’s best moments before the 8th season premieres January 18th on IFC.

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WTF Films

Artfully Off

Celebrity All-Star by Sisters Weekend is available now on IFC's Comedy Crib.

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Sisters Weekend isn’t like other comedy groups. It’s filmmaking collaboration between besties Angelo Balassone, Michael Fails and Kat Tadesco, self-described lace-front addicts with great legs who write, direct, design and produce video sketches and cinematic shorts that are so surreally hilarious that they defy categorization. One such short film, Celebrity All-Star, is the newest addition to IFC’s Comedy Crib. Here’s what they had to say about it in a very personal email interview…

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IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a fancy network executive you just met in an elevator?

Celebrity All-Star is a short film about an overworked reality TV coordinator struggling to save her one night off after the cast of C-List celebrities she wrangles gets locked out of their hotel rooms.

IFC: How would you describe Celebrity All-Star to a drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?

Sisters Weekend: It’s this short we made for IFC where a talent coordinator named Karen babysits a bunch of weird c-list celebs who are stuck in a hotel bar. It’s everyone you hate from reality TV under one roof – and that roof leaks because it’s a 2-star hotel. There’s a magician, sexy cowboys, and a guy wearing a belt that sucks up his farts.

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IFC: What was the genesis of Celebrity All-Star?

Celebrity All-Star was born from our love of embarrassing celebrities. We love a good c-lister in need of a paycheck! We were really interested in the canned politeness people give off when forced to mingle with strangers. The backstory we created is that the cast of this reality show called “Celebrity All-Star” is in the middle of a mandatory round of “get to know each other” drinks in the hotel bar when the room keys stop working. Shows like Celebrity Ghost Hunters and of course The Surreal Life were of inspo, but we thought it
was funny to keep it really vague what kind of show they’re on, and just focus on everyone’s diva antics after the cameras stop rolling.

IFC: Every celebrity in Celebrity All-Star seems familiar. What real-life pop personalities did you look to for inspiration?

Sisters Weekend: Anyone who is trying to plug their branded merch that no one asked for. We love low-rent celebrity. We did, however, directly reference Kylie Jenner’s turd-raison lip color for our fictional teen celebutante Gibby Kyle (played by Mary Houlihan).

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IFC: Celebrity seems disgusting yet desirable. What’s your POV? Do you crave it, hate it, or both?

Sisters Weekend: A lot of people chase fame. If you’re practical, you’ll likely switch to chasing success and if you’re smart, you’ll hopefully switch to chasing happiness. But also, “We need money. We need hits. Hits bring money, money bring power, power bring fame, fame change the game,” Young Thug.

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IFC: Who are your comedy idols?

Sisters Weekend: Mike grew up renting “Monty Python” tapes from the library and staying up late to watch 2000’s SNL, Kat was super into Andy Kaufman and “Kids In The Hall” in high school, and Angelo was heavily influenced by “Strangers With Candy” and Anna Faris in the Scary Movie franchise, so, our comedy heroes mesh from all over. But, also we idolize a lot of the people we work with in NY-  Lorelei Ramirez, Erin Markey, Mary Houlihan, who are all in the film, Amy Zimmer, Ana Fabrega, Patti Harrison, Sam Taggart. Geniuses! All of Em!

IFC: What’s your favorite moment from the film?

Sisters Weekend: I mean…seeing Mary Houlihan scream at an insane Pomeranian on an iPad is pretty great.

See Sisters Weekend right now on IFC’s Comedy Crib

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Reality? Check.

Baroness For Life

Baroness von Sketch Show is available for immediate consumption.

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Baroness von Sketch Show is snowballing as people have taken note of its subtle and not-so-subtle skewering of everyday life. The New York Times, W Magazine, and Vogue have heaped on the praise, but IFC had a few more probing questions…

IFC: To varying degrees, your sketches are simply scripted examples of things that actually happen. What makes real life so messed up?

Aurora: Hubris, Ego and Selfish Desires and lack of empathy.

Carolyn: That we’re trapped together in the 3rd Dimension.

Jenn: 1. Other people 2. Other people’s problems 3. Probably something I did.

IFC: A lot of people I know have watched this show and realized, “Dear god, that’s me.” or “Dear god, that’s true.” Why do people have their blinders on?

Aurora: Because most people when you’re in the middle of a situation, you don’t have the perspective to step back and see yourself because you’re caught up in the moment. That’s the job of comedians is to step back and have a self-awareness about these things, not only saying “You’re doing this,” but also, “You’re not the only one doing this.” It’s a delicate balance of making people feel uncomfortable and comforting them at the same time.

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IFC: Unlike a lot of popular sketch comedy, your sketches often focus more on group dynamics vs iconic individual characters. Why do you think that is and why is it important?

Meredith: We consider the show to be more based around human dynamics, not so much characters. If anything we’re more attracted to the energy created by people interacting.

Jenn: So much of life is spent trying to work it out with other people, whether it’s at work, at home, trying to commute to work, or even on Facebook it’s pretty hard to escape the group.

IFC: Are there any comedians out there that you feel are just nailing it?

Aurora: I love Key and Peele. I know that their show is done and I’m in denial about it, but they are amazing because there were many times that I would imagine that Keegan Michael Key was in the scene while writing. If I could picture him saying it, I knew it would work. I also kind of have a crush on Jordan Peele and his performance in Big Mouth. Maya Rudolph also just makes everything amazing. Her puberty demon on Big Mouth is flawless. She did an ad for 7th generation tampons that my son, my husband and myself were singing around the house for weeks. If I could even get anything close to her career, I would be happy. I’m also back in love with Rick and Morty. I don’t know if I have a crush on Justin Roiland, I just really love Rick (maybe even more than Morty). I don’t have a crush on Jerry, the dad, but I have a crush on Chris Parnell because he’s so good at being Jerry.

Jenn: I LOVE ISSA RAE!

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IFC: If you could go back in time and cast yourselves in any sitcom, which would it be and how would it change?

Carolyn: I’d go back in time and cast us in The Partridge Family.  We’d make an excellent family band. We’d have a laugh, break into song and wear ruffled blouses with velvet jackets.  And of course travel to all our gigs on a Mondrian bus. I feel really confident about this choice.

Meredith: Electric Mayhem from The Muppet Show. It wouldn’t change, they were simply perfect, except… maybe a few more vaginas in the band.

Binge the entire first and second seasons of Baroness von Sketch Show now on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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