DID YOU READ

The 10 Biggest Jerks in Holiday Movies

Buzz Home Alone

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Holiday movies are packed with beloved characters. Perhaps that’s what makes the jerks, a-holes and dirtbags in our favorite seasonal classics stick out like expired eggnog.

Often the worst characters in holiday films aren’t straight-up villains — they’re the every day slimeballs who’re just as greedy, lazy and self-serving on Christmas as they are the other 364 days of the year. As we approach Christmas Eve, take a look at our salute to the nastiest characters in holiday movies. It’s the perfect antidote to the season of heartwarming treacle.

10. Mark, Love Actually 

Yeah, yeah, it’s sooo sweet when he holds up those cue cards for Keira Knightley that say she’s perfect or whatever. But keep in mind he’s crushing on his best friend’s wife. Dude literally was best man at their wedding a week before he took Sharpie to poster board. Mark must have ice water running through his veins, cause that’s just cold.


9. Grover Dill, A Christmas Story

Sure, Scut Farkus is a douche, but you kind of feel bad for him after the vicious beating he receives from that BB gun-toting psycho Ralphie. But look at Scut’s flunky, the oddly named Grover Dill, with his dumb hat and that face that’s just asking for Ralphie’s fists of fury. At least Scut’s an individual. Grover’s just a boot-licking toadie dressed like Marlon Brando in The Wild One.


8. Concierge, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York 

Tim Curry’s snooty concierge tries to harsh Kevin’s NYC buzz from the moment he enters the Plaza. A child in the lobby of New York City’s finest hotel (cira 1992)?? Not on Concierge’s watch. He’s the smarmiest character in the movie, which says a lot in a film that features both Uncle Frank and a cameo from Donald Trump.


7. Todd and Margo, National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation

With their shiny tracksuits and fancy stereo system, the Griswolds’ neighbors Todd (Nicholas Guest) and Margo (Julia Louis-Dreyfus) are basically walking cliches of late ’80s yuppie excess. They aren’t all that friendly to the Griswolds or even that nice to each other. (“Why is the carpet all wet, Todd??” “I don’t know, MARGO!!”) Still, you almost feel bad for them. They didn’t ask to be plagued by trees crashing through their window and random squirrel attacks.


6. Buzz, Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

In the first Home Alone, Kevin’s older brother Buzz is your average dimwitted bully with an unfortunate looking girlfriend. But in the sequel he shows a whole different level of smarm when he puts Kevin on “trial” in front of his entire family. (It’s safe to say Buzz grew up to be a sleazy lawyer of the Saul Goodman variety.) Though we still have no idea what a “trout sniffer” is.

5. The Rest of the McCallister Family, Home Alone and Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Really, outside of the mom, are the McCallisters all that concerned that little Kevin is stuck home alone/lost in New York? Papa McCallister makes zero effort to get back to Kevin in either movies. Both brothers tease and bully him constantly. His sisters use phrases like “helpless idiot” and “Les Incompetent” right to his face. And what do they get for their behavior? A trip to Paris in Home Alone and a bunch of free gifts at the end of Home Alone 2 that they did absolutely nothing to earn. Had Macaulay Culkin returned for a third outing, the title should’ve been Home Alone 3: Motion for Emancipation.


4. Ghost of Christmas Present, Scrooged 

You would think that Bill Murray’s network exec Frank Cross would be the biggest jerk in the movie, seeing as how he’s the Scrooge stand-in. But Carol Kane’s perky Ghost of Christmas Present has him beat, at least in the random violence department. Kane’s ghost takes pleasure inflicting physical harm on Frank, be it via a swift kick between the legs or a toaster to the face. She should team up with that budding psychopath Kevin McCallister. Imagine the horrific torture they’d inflict upon their enemies.


3. Marcus, Bad Santa

Marcus, the double-crossing elf assistant to Billy Bob Thornton’s titular Santa, ends up being the real bad guy of this dark holiday classic. As Buddy would say, he’s quite the angry (and gun-toting) elf.


2. Mr. Gower, It’s a Wonderful Life

Besides being a drunk who nearly poisons his customers, Emil the cranky pharmacist smacks young George around and makes his ear bleed. Mr. Potter’s bad and all, but he never smacked a kid in his bum ear.


1. Uncle Frank, Home Alone 

Is there a more loathsome character in holiday movies, nay, in all of pop culture, than Uncle Frank? He’s cheap (he spends two movies mooching off of his brother), selfish (he’s more concerned about forgetting his glasses than Kevin’s well being) and sings off-key in the shower. You can just feel his hatred towards Kevin (and, really, all children) in his oft-quoted line from the first Home Alone. (“Look what ya did, ya little jerk!”)

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Dark Arts

Foot Fetish Jesus And Other Nightmares

Meet the minds behind Comedy Crib's latest series, Quirks and The Mirror.

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The Mirror and Quirks are really, really strange. Deeply disturbing yet hauntingly beautiful. But you really don’t need to read a synopsis of either of the aforementioned shows to understand the exact variety of nightmare-bonkers comedy these shows deliver — that’s why the good lord made links. Instead, take a peek behind the curtain and meet the creators.

Quirks

Let’s start with Kevin Tosi. Kevin does the whole show by himself. That doesn’t mean he’s a loner — Kevin has a day job with actual humans. But that day job is copywriting. So it’s only natural that his suppressed demons would manifest themselves in biting cartoon form, including “Foot Fetish Jesus”, in ways that somehow speak to all of us. If only all copywriters channeled their inner f*ckedupness into such…expressive art.

The Mirror

Onward to the folks at Wham City Comedy.

These guys aren’t your typical comedy collective in that their work is way more left-field and even elevated than your standard digital short. More funny weird than funny ha-ha. They’ve done collaborations with musicians like Beach House, Dan Deacon & Wye Oak, television networks (obviously), and others. Yeah they get paid, but their motivation feels deeper. Darker. Most of them are video artists, and that explains a lot.

See more of The Mirror and Quirks on IFC.com and the IFC app.

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