DID YOU READ

Guys of The To Do List on Losing Their Virginity

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Scott Porter once walked into a room of female coworkers who were in the middle of a conversation that confused him. “They were saying something about a ‘dirty bathroom floor,’ and I was like, ‘What the fuck does that mean?'” he recalled, laughing. “And then one of them said, ‘Dirty bathroom floor, go!’ and another said, ‘Ryan Gosling, in The Notebook. I would do him on a dirty bathroom floor.’ I finally got it. And that was girls having that conversation! We usually think that kind of stuff is reserved for the guys’ locker room, and it’s not.”

Cosmopolitan magazine, Sex and the City, and now The To Do List — all serve as reminders that women can actually explore their sexuality without it being part of some great romance. “Bill [Hader] likes to tell the story about how he went up to [writer/director] Maggie [Carey] and he said, ‘I really like the love story in this,” Porter said. “And she would say, ‘It’s not a love story. She just wants to get laid.’ ‘Oh, okay.'”

Brandy Klark, Aubrey Plaza’s protagonist in The To Do List, doesn’t just want to get laid — she wants to experience every sexual act leading up to and including intercourse, which she views as a final exam which requires a lot of study and preparation. Her goal is to have sex with her dream guy, Rusty Waters (played by Porter), but along the way, she encounters a lot of other guys, not all of whom are hook-up partners, such as her arch-conservative dad (played by Clark Gregg) and her summer job boss (played by Hader).

“I’m actually just a guy trying to help her,” Hader said. “But I’m also a stoner, deadbeat guy, so I have to help myself before I help her. I’m just giving her advice.”

Or at least, he tries to. Because the film is set in 1993, he actually has to physically go over to her house when she doesn’t pick up the phone. “He has to run to her house and knock on her door and try to interact with her face to face,” Porter laughed. A lot of the humor derives from the fact that Brandy’s endeavors take place in a pre-widespread Internet world, and her confusion about what some sexual acts might be, which causes her to seek advice in some strange places. Porter had a similar experience growing up in that era, before Google could answer your questions in seconds.

“You’d hear a term that you knew was filthy, and you’d self-define it,” Porter explained. “There was no Urban Dictionary. Some guy would say, ‘Oh, I heard about this thing called Dirty Sanchez,’ and one guy would just bullshit a definition for it, and that’s what we would think it was. I think some of the terms are regional. Like in the movie, she says ‘bumping donuts,’ and I had never heard that before. We called that particular act ‘scissor sisters.’ But all of that is just kids being kids and being idiots and trying to one-up each other with weird sex acts.”

Losing your virginity is sometimes depicted as a game of one-upmanship in coming-of-age films. “I remember the thing about losing my virginity is that once one of my friends did it, the rest of us were like, ‘Oh, no!'” Gregg recalled. “We were all fine being virgins together, and all of a sudden there was one of us who wasn’t. We thought he had superpowers! I’m pretty sure I saw him lift a car just with his eyes,” he added with a laugh. “But basically from then on, it was like an enormous clock was ticking in our hands.”

Gregg said that in his case, having the ticking clock made him and his friends think of nothing else, as well as suddenly become nicer to all the girls around them. In Porter’s case, he didn’t feel a ticking clock as pressure to lose his virginity, even though a lot of his friends “lost their V-card” earlier than he did. “I was a bit of a late bloomer,” he said. “I was a little bit more of a slow mover, and more of a romantic. I always had a girlfriend. I lost it towards the end of my high school career, and I didn’t attempt it again until late into college!”

But whatever your own experience might be, Porter pointed out, it’s a universal rite of passage, “and it never gets less awkward.” Revisiting these experiences for The To Do List and understanding a female perspective did help Gregg prepare a little bit for the inevitable sex talk he’ll have to have with his own preteen daughter some day. “I thought I would be the super cool, open-to-talk-about-sex dad,” he said. “And I’ll try. But she mostly wants to talk to my wife about it, and I’m not going to argue with that!”

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Forget Oscar

Find Your Spirit Animal

The Spirit Awards are LIVE this Saturday at 2p PT/5p ET.

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In just a few precious days, the greatest, most epic, most star-studded awards ceremony of the year comes to IFC.

And please, we’re definitely not talking about the Oscars. We’re talking about the Spirit Awards. Hosted by iconic comedy duo Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, it’s a relatively under-the-radar awards show with serious cred. And if the past is any indicator, we’re in for a wild night.

If you feel like doing your homework, you can find a full list of nominees and performance excerpts here. It reads like a who’s who of everyone that matters – those larger-than-life personalities with status that borders on mythological. Our celebrity spirit animals, if you will.

This isn’t hyperbole. Literally everyone who takes the stage at the awards show is spirit animal material. Let’s see if we can help you find yours…

Do you

Live in someone else’s shadow despite shining like the sun? Do you inexplicably vandalize your pretty-boy good looks with a sloppy-joe man bun and a repellent pubic-hair beard? Do you think sounding stoned and sounding thoughtful are kinda the same thing?

Congratulations, your spirit animal is Casey Affleck.

He’s the self-canonized patron saint of anyone who’s got the goods but doesn’t give a damn.

Do you

Have mid-length hair and exude a certain feminine masculinity that is universally appealing? Are you drawn to situations that promise little to nothing in the way of grooming or hygiene as a transparently self-conscious attempt to conceal your radiant inner glow? Does that fail miserably?

Way to go, your spirit animal is Viggo Mortensen.

He’s the yoga teacher of actors, in that what should make him super nasty only increases his curb appeal.

Do you

Get zero recognition for work that everyone knows is unrivaled? Do you inspire greatness in others yet get shortchanged when it comes to your own acclaim? Are you a goddam B-52 bomber in an industry of biplanes?

Bingo, your spirit animal is Annette Bening.

What does it take for this artist to win an Oscar? Honestly now, if her performance in 20th Century Women doesn’t earn her every award on the planet, consider it proof that the Universe truly is a cold dark void absent of reason or compassion.

Do you

Walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends? Have you been hiding under the radar just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the spotlight and stay there FOREVER? Do you possess the almost messianic ability to elevate Shia LaBeouf’s on-screen charisma?

You guessed it (or not), your spirit animal is 100% Sasha Lane.

If you haven’t seen American Honey, then you haven’t heard of her. She came out of the blue with a performance both subtle and powerful, and now she’s going to be in all the movies from this moment on. Or she should be, at any rate.

Don’t see your spirit animal there? Worry not. There are many more nominees to choose from, and you can see them all (yes, including Shia LaBeouf) during the Independent Spirit Awards, this Saturday at 2pm PT/5pm ET only on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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