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Tax Day Horror: Which of these 10 movie monsters would make the best accountant?

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It’s tax time, which is generally a horror-filled time for everybody. Payments, deductions, write-offs, receipts, finagling, questionable definitions of charitable donations, expenses, expenses, more expenses, not enough deductions – it’s all a huge headache to fund all that damn infrastructure, education and all those handy things taxes cover. You’re gonna need help to do all that math and figure it all out, right? Even your accountants can be horror stories, so why not make horror stories into accountants – and maybe they’ll turn that evil right toward the IRS instead of you? So let’s audition some horror movie icons to see how eligible they are to become CPAs.


1. JASON VOORHEES: The silent, hockey-masked machete-wielder from “Friday The 13th.”
PRO: You could practically dare the IRS to audit you with this guy as your accountant. Those clip-ons think they’re so intimidating with their rules and codes, but debtor’s prison could not intimidate him.
CON: He’s not likely to file any kind of extension for you, nor will he be all that informative about your options. Also, if you don’t pay him promptly, he will punch your head clean off.
CPA RATING: 3


2. FREDDY KRUEGER: The creepy child molester what haunts dreams in “A Nightmare on Elm Street.”
PRO: He’d be extremely handy when it comes to shredding documents that prove you’re a horrible fraudulent human being.
CON: Come on, he’s a child molester. Seriously, how did The Fat Boys let him rap with them?
CPA RATING: 3


3. PINHEAD: The demonic Cenobite follower of Leviathan from the “Hellraiser” series.
PRO: He’s the personification of pain and he’s really into imaginative forms of torture, so he’d be extremely thorough with your finances. Also, he would never be in need of a hole punch when binding your documents.
CON: As a harvester of human souls, he’s much more likely to work for the IRS than against them.
CPA RATING: 4


4. NORMAN BATES: The man with his mother in his mind from “Psycho.”
PRO: This is a guy who managed to keep a motel afloat despite murdering customers he found attractive. That’s not a good business model, but he kept it going despite a dissociative personality disorder, which means one of the people living in his mind has got to have some kind of financial know-how. Or perhaps Mother is so controlling that she even puts off debt collectors.
CON: It’s possible there’s only one personality capable of processing tax returns, and you never know if you’re going to get that one – he’ll likely have you file a lot of extensions, as he seems to be fond of prolonging things that should have ended long ago. Plus, he’ll ogle you in the shower.
CPA RATING: 4


5. LOUIS DE POINTE DU LAC: The subject in question of the “Interview with the Vampire.”
PRO: One of the few vampires who cling to their morality when granted with immortality and the thirst for the blood of humans, he’d try to give you a fair deal, and is perhaps the most trustworthy horror movie star on the list (okay, horror-ish, in this case, but still), and he’s got super-speed to get you out of there fast. He’s certainly a better choice than that douche Lestat.
CON: He’s such an empty, detached and miserable shell of a man that it would likely be hard to get him to care about something as trivial and fleeting as tax code, and he’d spend the whole appointment whining about that. Plus, he’s probably not really good at math.
CPA RATING: 4

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Forget Oscar

Find Your Spirit Animal

The Spirit Awards are LIVE this Saturday at 2p PT/5p ET.

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In just a few precious days, the greatest, most epic, most star-studded awards ceremony of the year comes to IFC.

And please, we’re definitely not talking about the Oscars. We’re talking about the Spirit Awards. Hosted by iconic comedy duo Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, it’s a relatively under-the-radar awards show with serious cred. And if the past is any indicator, we’re in for a wild night.

If you feel like doing your homework, you can find a full list of nominees and performance excerpts here. It reads like a who’s who of everyone that matters – those larger-than-life personalities with status that borders on mythological. Our celebrity spirit animals, if you will.

This isn’t hyperbole. Literally everyone who takes the stage at the awards show is spirit animal material. Let’s see if we can help you find yours…

Do you

Live in someone else’s shadow despite shining like the sun? Do you inexplicably vandalize your pretty-boy good looks with a sloppy-joe man bun and a repellent pubic-hair beard? Do you think sounding stoned and sounding thoughtful are kinda the same thing?

Congratulations, your spirit animal is Casey Affleck.

He’s the self-canonized patron saint of anyone who’s got the goods but doesn’t give a damn.

Do you

Have mid-length hair and exude a certain feminine masculinity that is universally appealing? Are you drawn to situations that promise little to nothing in the way of grooming or hygiene as a transparently self-conscious attempt to conceal your radiant inner glow? Does that fail miserably?

Way to go, your spirit animal is Viggo Mortensen.

He’s the yoga teacher of actors, in that what should make him super nasty only increases his curb appeal.

Do you

Get zero recognition for work that everyone knows is unrivaled? Do you inspire greatness in others yet get shortchanged when it comes to your own acclaim? Are you a goddam B-52 bomber in an industry of biplanes?

Bingo, your spirit animal is Annette Bening.

What does it take for this artist to win an Oscar? Honestly now, if her performance in 20th Century Women doesn’t earn her every award on the planet, consider it proof that the Universe truly is a cold dark void absent of reason or compassion.

Do you

Walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends? Have you been hiding under the radar just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the spotlight and stay there FOREVER? Do you possess the almost messianic ability to elevate Shia LaBeouf’s on-screen charisma?

You guessed it (or not), your spirit animal is 100% Sasha Lane.

If you haven’t seen American Honey, then you haven’t heard of her. She came out of the blue with a performance both subtle and powerful, and now she’s going to be in all the movies from this moment on. Or she should be, at any rate.

Don’t see your spirit animal there? Worry not. There are many more nominees to choose from, and you can see them all (yes, including Shia LaBeouf) during the Independent Spirit Awards, this Saturday at 2pm PT/5pm ET only on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

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This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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