DID YOU READ

10 ways to survive high school (according to movies and TV)

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High school is often fatal. We all know that every teenaged student in every learning institution everywhere is in the very real danger of dying of embarrassment at any moment. It is a strange time, full of questions, doubts, and the overwhelming urge to masturbate at the drop of a hat. Things get greasy, parts grow at inopportune times, hair appears in nightmarish tufts, your voice is cracked and your skin decides it hates you. And everyone is judging you at all times.

However, high school is also such a crucial time in our lives. It is the place where many of us learn how to engage in coitus and earn the horrifyingly traumatic emotional scars that affect how we relate to people for decades to come. All the dramatic potential involved means that our entertainment media tend to cover this ground quite a bit, and thus, they have plenty of suggestions on how to navigate the rough waters of adolescence. Therefore, let’s run down a quick list of ways to survive the high school experience, as illustrated by movies and television.


1. Get super powers

Naturally, the easiest way to survive high school would be to gain supernatural abilities beyond those of mortal men. Not only does it immediately elevate your set of problems beyond those of petty adolescent issues, but you can destroy anyone who tries to bully you. Ideally, you’d be a superhero with telekinesis or something, but you can also do pretty well with being a sparkly vampire or a basketball-playing werewolf, too. It’s all the rage.


2. Stay away from the popular crowd

By and large, popular people in high school are always evil. Not just generally overconfident and condescending jerks, but actual manipulative evildoers. They will not be satisfied with simply being more attractive than most – they are driven to actively crush all outliers to their worldviews. This attitude does tend to leave them prone to ultimate humiliation, though, so it’s best to never be on their side of the coin – as alluring as being accepted among the beautiful people sounds. You will never actually be accepted, so it’s better not to try. Besides, all the legitimately interesting people are never popular.


3. Make a horrible bet to manipulate the life of a classmate

Case in point, it’s standard form for the people who reside in the rarefied air of the popular crowd (often, being cartoonishly rich helps one to get into that stratosphere, by the by) to toy with the lives of the people they view as their lessers. In high school terms, this often involves sporting wagers about nerds and proms. However, if you happen to be a participant in one of these bets, you’ve got a fifty percent chance of becoming a better person and falling in love with the person you’re gambling over. If you like those odds, and you can handle suddenly growing a conscience and busting out some contrition, you’ll come out the better for it.


4. Throw giant parties without adult supervision

This is a no-brainer, although you’ll have some short-term suffering to endure to get to the survival benefits. You will go deep into debt, everything in your home will be broken, multiple people will vomit, there will somehow be a car chase, the police will give you static, and you’ll probably find your significant other playing mattress hockey with your worst enemy. However, you will also be granted a legendary status, and dollars to donuts you will grow as a human being through bonding with your new best friends. Plus, there’s a very good chance you’ll get all sorts of laid.


5. Seek out hookers with a heart of gold

If you’re having trouble populating your giant parties, you can always cheat out and hire professionals to attend and get their floozy on. Sure, it’s skeevy, but you’ve got fairly good odds that they will turn out not to be ruthlessly broken opportunists, but rather slightly misguided girls who require the attention of one dedicated teenager to completely reinvent their lives and get back on the right side of the tracks. This also works if you ask porn stars to your prom (and that’s even happened in real life) and, if you are particularly adept at the weirder sciences, perhaps you can even invent a woman to liven things up.

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Bro and Tell

BFFs And Night Court For Sports

Bromance and Comeuppance On Two New Comedy Crib Series

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“Silicon Valley meets Girls meets black male educators with lots of unrealized potential.”

That’s how Carl Foreman Jr. and Anthony Gaskins categorize their new series Frank and Lamar which joins Joe Schiappa’s Sport Court in the latest wave of new series available now on IFC’s Comedy Crib. To better acquaint you with the newbies, we went right to the creators for their candid POVs. And they did not disappoint. Here are snippets of their interviews:

Frank and Lamar

via GIPHY

IFC: How would you describe Frank and Lamar to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Carl: Best bros from college live and work together teaching at a fancy Manhattan private school, valiantly trying to transition into a more mature phase of personal and professional life while clinging to their boyish ways.

IFC: And to a friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Carl: The same way, slightly less coherent.

Anthony: I’d probably speak about it with much louder volume, due to the bar which would probably be playing the new Kendrick Lamar album. I might also include additional jokes about Carl, or unrelated political tangents.

Carl: He really delights in randomly slandering me for no reason. I get him back though. Our rapport on the page, screen, and in real life, comes out of a lot of that back and forth.

IFC: In what way is Frank and Lamar a poignant series for this moment in time?
Carl: It tells a story I feel most people aren’t familiar with, having young black males teach in a very affluent white world, while never making it expressly about that either. Then in tackling their personal lives, we see these three-dimensional guys navigate a pivotal moment in time from a perspective I feel mainstream audiences tend not to see portrayed.

Anthony: I feel like Frank and Lamar continues to push the envelope within the genre by presenting interesting and non stereotypical content about people of color. The fact that this show brought together so many talented creative people, from the cast and crew to the producers, who believe in the project, makes the work that much more intentional and truthful. I also think it’s pretty incredible that we got to employ many of our friends!

Sport Court

Sport Court gavel

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to a fancy network executive you met in an elevator?
Joe: SPORT COURT follows Judge David Linda, a circuit court judge assigned to handle an ad hoc courtroom put together to prosecute rowdy fan behavior in the basement of the Hartford Ultradome. Think an updated Night Court.

IFC: How would you describe Sport Court to drunk friend of a friend you met in a bar?
Joe: Remember when you put those firecrackers down that guy’s pants at the baseball game? It’s about a judge who works in a court in the stadium that puts you in jail right then and there. I know, you actually did spend the night in jail, but imagine you went to court right that second and didn’t have to get your brother to take off work from GameStop to take you to your hearing.

IFC: Is there a method to your madness when coming up with sports fan faux pas?
Joe: I just think of the worst things that would ruin a sporting event for everyone. Peeing in the slushy machine in open view of a crowd seemed like a good one.

IFC: Honestly now, how many of the fan transgressions are things you’ve done or thought about doing?
Joe: I’ve thought about ripping out a whole row of chairs at a theater or stadium, so I would have my own private space. I like to think of that really whenever I have to sit crammed next to lots of people. Imagine the leg room!

Check out the full seasons of Frank and Lamar and Sport Court now on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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Millennial Wisdom

Charles Speaks For Us All

Get to know Charles, the social media whiz of Brockmire.

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He may be an unlikely radio producer Brockmire, but Charles is #1 when it comes to delivering quips that tie a nice little bow on the absurdity of any given situation.

Charles also perfectly captures the jaded outlook of Millennials. Or at least Millennials as mythologized by marketers and news idiots. You know who you are.

Played superbly by Tyrel Jackson Williams, Charles’s quippy nuggets target just about any subject matter, from entry-level jobs in social media (“I plan on getting some experience here, then moving to New York to finally start my life.”) to the ramifications of fictional celebrity hookups (“Drake and Taylor Swift are dating! Albums y’all!”). But where he really nails the whole Millennial POV thing is when he comments on America’s second favorite past-time after type II diabetes: baseball.

Here are a few pearls.

On Baseball’s Lasting Cultural Relevance

“Baseball’s one of those old-timey things you don’t need anymore. Like cursive. Or email.”

On The Dramatic Value Of Double-Headers

“The only thing dumber than playing two boring-ass baseball games in one day is putting a two-hour delay between the boring-ass games.”

On Sartorial Tradition

“Is dressing badly just a thing for baseball, because that would explain his jacket.”

On Baseball, In A Nutshell

“Baseball is a f-cked up sport, and I want you to know it.”


Learn more about Charles in the behind-the-scenes video below.

And if you were born before the late ’80s and want to know what the kids think about Baseball, watch Brockmire Wednesdays at 10P on IFC.

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Crown Jules

Amanda Peet FTW on Brockmire

Amanda Peet brings it on Brockmire Wednesday at 10P on IFC.

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On Brockmire, Jules is the unexpected yin to Jim Brockmire’s yang. Which is saying a lot, because Brockmire’s yang is way out there. Played by Amanda Peet, Jules is hard-drinking, truth-spewing, baseball-loving…everything Brockmire is, and perhaps what he never expected to encounter in another human.

“We’re the same level of functional alcoholic.”


But Jules takes that commonality and transforms it into something special: a new beginning. A new beginning for failing minor league baseball team “The Frackers”, who suddenly about-face into a winning streak; and a new beginning for Brockmire, whose life gets a jumpstart when Jules lures him back to baseball. As for herself, her unexpected connection with Brockmire gives her own life a surprising and much needed goose.

“You’re a Goddamn Disaster and you’re starting To look good to me.”

This palpable dynamic adds depth and complexity to the narrative and pushes the series far beyond expected comedy. See for yourself in this behind-the-scenes video (and brace yourself for a unforgettable description of Brockmire’s genitals)…

Want more about Amanda Peet? She’s all over the place, and has even penned a recent self-reflective piece in the New York Times.

And of course you can watch the Jim-Jules relationship hysterically unfold in new episodes of Brockmire, every Wednesday at 10PM on IFC.

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