DID YOU READ

10 ways to survive high school (according to movies and TV)

The-Breakfast-Club

Posted by on

High school is often fatal. We all know that every teenaged student in every learning institution everywhere is in the very real danger of dying of embarrassment at any moment. It is a strange time, full of questions, doubts, and the overwhelming urge to masturbate at the drop of a hat. Things get greasy, parts grow at inopportune times, hair appears in nightmarish tufts, your voice is cracked and your skin decides it hates you. And everyone is judging you at all times.

However, high school is also such a crucial time in our lives. It is the place where many of us learn how to engage in coitus and earn the horrifyingly traumatic emotional scars that affect how we relate to people for decades to come. All the dramatic potential involved means that our entertainment media tend to cover this ground quite a bit, and thus, they have plenty of suggestions on how to navigate the rough waters of adolescence. Therefore, let’s run down a quick list of ways to survive the high school experience, as illustrated by movies and television.


1. Get super powers

Naturally, the easiest way to survive high school would be to gain supernatural abilities beyond those of mortal men. Not only does it immediately elevate your set of problems beyond those of petty adolescent issues, but you can destroy anyone who tries to bully you. Ideally, you’d be a superhero with telekinesis or something, but you can also do pretty well with being a sparkly vampire or a basketball-playing werewolf, too. It’s all the rage.


2. Stay away from the popular crowd

By and large, popular people in high school are always evil. Not just generally overconfident and condescending jerks, but actual manipulative evildoers. They will not be satisfied with simply being more attractive than most – they are driven to actively crush all outliers to their worldviews. This attitude does tend to leave them prone to ultimate humiliation, though, so it’s best to never be on their side of the coin – as alluring as being accepted among the beautiful people sounds. You will never actually be accepted, so it’s better not to try. Besides, all the legitimately interesting people are never popular.


3. Make a horrible bet to manipulate the life of a classmate

Case in point, it’s standard form for the people who reside in the rarefied air of the popular crowd (often, being cartoonishly rich helps one to get into that stratosphere, by the by) to toy with the lives of the people they view as their lessers. In high school terms, this often involves sporting wagers about nerds and proms. However, if you happen to be a participant in one of these bets, you’ve got a fifty percent chance of becoming a better person and falling in love with the person you’re gambling over. If you like those odds, and you can handle suddenly growing a conscience and busting out some contrition, you’ll come out the better for it.


4. Throw giant parties without adult supervision

This is a no-brainer, although you’ll have some short-term suffering to endure to get to the survival benefits. You will go deep into debt, everything in your home will be broken, multiple people will vomit, there will somehow be a car chase, the police will give you static, and you’ll probably find your significant other playing mattress hockey with your worst enemy. However, you will also be granted a legendary status, and dollars to donuts you will grow as a human being through bonding with your new best friends. Plus, there’s a very good chance you’ll get all sorts of laid.


5. Seek out hookers with a heart of gold

If you’re having trouble populating your giant parties, you can always cheat out and hire professionals to attend and get their floozy on. Sure, it’s skeevy, but you’ve got fairly good odds that they will turn out not to be ruthlessly broken opportunists, but rather slightly misguided girls who require the attention of one dedicated teenager to completely reinvent their lives and get back on the right side of the tracks. This also works if you ask porn stars to your prom (and that’s even happened in real life) and, if you are particularly adept at the weirder sciences, perhaps you can even invent a woman to liven things up.

Continue to next page >>
Watch More
ISA_2017_Episodic_101

Forget Oscar

Find Your Spirit Animal

The Spirit Awards are LIVE this Saturday at 2p PT/5p ET.

Posted by on

In just a few precious days, the greatest, most epic, most star-studded awards ceremony of the year comes to IFC.

And please, we’re definitely not talking about the Oscars. We’re talking about the Spirit Awards. Hosted by iconic comedy duo Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, it’s a relatively under-the-radar awards show with serious cred. And if the past is any indicator, we’re in for a wild night.

If you feel like doing your homework, you can find a full list of nominees and performance excerpts here. It reads like a who’s who of everyone that matters – those larger-than-life personalities with status that borders on mythological. Our celebrity spirit animals, if you will.

This isn’t hyperbole. Literally everyone who takes the stage at the awards show is spirit animal material. Let’s see if we can help you find yours…

Do you

Live in someone else’s shadow despite shining like the sun? Do you inexplicably vandalize your pretty-boy good looks with a sloppy-joe man bun and a repellent pubic-hair beard? Do you think sounding stoned and sounding thoughtful are kinda the same thing?

Congratulations, your spirit animal is Casey Affleck.

He’s the self-canonized patron saint of anyone who’s got the goods but doesn’t give a damn.

Do you

Have mid-length hair and exude a certain feminine masculinity that is universally appealing? Are you drawn to situations that promise little to nothing in the way of grooming or hygiene as a transparently self-conscious attempt to conceal your radiant inner glow? Does that fail miserably?

Way to go, your spirit animal is Viggo Mortensen.

He’s the yoga teacher of actors, in that what should make him super nasty only increases his curb appeal.

Do you

Get zero recognition for work that everyone knows is unrivaled? Do you inspire greatness in others yet get shortchanged when it comes to your own acclaim? Are you a goddam B-52 bomber in an industry of biplanes?

Bingo, your spirit animal is Annette Bening.

What does it take for this artist to win an Oscar? Honestly now, if her performance in 20th Century Women doesn’t earn her every award on the planet, consider it proof that the Universe truly is a cold dark void absent of reason or compassion.

Do you

Walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends? Have you been hiding under the radar just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the spotlight and stay there FOREVER? Do you possess the almost messianic ability to elevate Shia LaBeouf’s on-screen charisma?

You guessed it (or not), your spirit animal is 100% Sasha Lane.

If you haven’t seen American Honey, then you haven’t heard of her. She came out of the blue with a performance both subtle and powerful, and now she’s going to be in all the movies from this moment on. Or she should be, at any rate.

Don’t see your spirit animal there? Worry not. There are many more nominees to choose from, and you can see them all (yes, including Shia LaBeouf) during the Independent Spirit Awards, this Saturday at 2pm PT/5pm ET only on IFC.

Watch More
carnotes3_thumbnail

Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

Posted by on

It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

car notes note

This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

Watch More
MAT_101_blog

Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

Posted by on

This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

Watch More
Powered by ZergNet