DID YOU READ

10 ways to survive high school (according to movies and TV)

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High school is often fatal. We all know that every teenaged student in every learning institution everywhere is in the very real danger of dying of embarrassment at any moment. It is a strange time, full of questions, doubts, and the overwhelming urge to masturbate at the drop of a hat. Things get greasy, parts grow at inopportune times, hair appears in nightmarish tufts, your voice is cracked and your skin decides it hates you. And everyone is judging you at all times.

However, high school is also such a crucial time in our lives. It is the place where many of us learn how to engage in coitus and earn the horrifyingly traumatic emotional scars that affect how we relate to people for decades to come. All the dramatic potential involved means that our entertainment media tend to cover this ground quite a bit, and thus, they have plenty of suggestions on how to navigate the rough waters of adolescence. Therefore, let’s run down a quick list of ways to survive the high school experience, as illustrated by movies and television.


1. Get super powers

Naturally, the easiest way to survive high school would be to gain supernatural abilities beyond those of mortal men. Not only does it immediately elevate your set of problems beyond those of petty adolescent issues, but you can destroy anyone who tries to bully you. Ideally, you’d be a superhero with telekinesis or something, but you can also do pretty well with being a sparkly vampire or a basketball-playing werewolf, too. It’s all the rage.


2. Stay away from the popular crowd

By and large, popular people in high school are always evil. Not just generally overconfident and condescending jerks, but actual manipulative evildoers. They will not be satisfied with simply being more attractive than most – they are driven to actively crush all outliers to their worldviews. This attitude does tend to leave them prone to ultimate humiliation, though, so it’s best to never be on their side of the coin – as alluring as being accepted among the beautiful people sounds. You will never actually be accepted, so it’s better not to try. Besides, all the legitimately interesting people are never popular.


3. Make a horrible bet to manipulate the life of a classmate

Case in point, it’s standard form for the people who reside in the rarefied air of the popular crowd (often, being cartoonishly rich helps one to get into that stratosphere, by the by) to toy with the lives of the people they view as their lessers. In high school terms, this often involves sporting wagers about nerds and proms. However, if you happen to be a participant in one of these bets, you’ve got a fifty percent chance of becoming a better person and falling in love with the person you’re gambling over. If you like those odds, and you can handle suddenly growing a conscience and busting out some contrition, you’ll come out the better for it.


4. Throw giant parties without adult supervision

This is a no-brainer, although you’ll have some short-term suffering to endure to get to the survival benefits. You will go deep into debt, everything in your home will be broken, multiple people will vomit, there will somehow be a car chase, the police will give you static, and you’ll probably find your significant other playing mattress hockey with your worst enemy. However, you will also be granted a legendary status, and dollars to donuts you will grow as a human being through bonding with your new best friends. Plus, there’s a very good chance you’ll get all sorts of laid.


5. Seek out hookers with a heart of gold

If you’re having trouble populating your giant parties, you can always cheat out and hire professionals to attend and get their floozy on. Sure, it’s skeevy, but you’ve got fairly good odds that they will turn out not to be ruthlessly broken opportunists, but rather slightly misguided girls who require the attention of one dedicated teenager to completely reinvent their lives and get back on the right side of the tracks. This also works if you ask porn stars to your prom (and that’s even happened in real life) and, if you are particularly adept at the weirder sciences, perhaps you can even invent a woman to liven things up.

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Holiday Extra Special

Make The Holidays ’80s Again

Enjoy the holiday cheer Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Whatever happened to the kind of crazy-yet-cozy holiday specials that blanketed the early winter airwaves of the 1980s? Unceremoniously killed by infectious ’90s jadedness? Slow fade out at the hands of early-onset millennial ennui? Whatever the reason, nixing the tradition was a huge mistake.

A huge mistake that we’re about to fix.

Announcing IFC’s Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special, starring Tony Hale. It’s a celeb-studded extravaganza in the glorious tradition of yesteryear featuring Bridget Everett, Jo Firestone, Nick Thune, Jen Kirkman, house band The Dap-Kings, and many more. And it’s at Joe’s Pub, everyone’s favorite home away from home in the Big Apple.

The yuletide cheer explodes Wednesday December 21 at 10P. But if you were born after 1989 and have no idea what void this spectacular special is going to fill, sample from this vintage selection of holiday hits:

Andy Williams and The NBC Kids Search For Santa

The quintessential holiday special. Get snuggly and turn off your brain. You won’t need it.

A Muppet Family Christmas

The Fraggles. The Muppets. The Sesame Street gang. Fate. The Jim Henson multiverse merges in this warm and fuzzy Holiday gathering.

Julie Andrews: The Sound Of Christmas

To this day a foolproof antidote to holiday cynicism. It’s cheesy, but a good cheese. In this case an Alpine Gruyère.

Star Wars Holiday Special

Okay, busted. This one was released in 1978. Still totally ’80s though. And yes that’s Bea Arthur.

Pee Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special

Pass the eggnog, and make sure it’s loaded. This special is everything you’d expect it to be and much, much more.

Joe’s Pub Presents: A Holiday Special premieres Wednesday December 21 at 10P on IFC.

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It Ain't Over Yet

A Guide to Coping with the End of Comedy Bang! Bang!

Watch the final episodes tonight at 11 and 11:30P on IFC.

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After five seasons and 110 halved-hour episodes, Scott Aukerman’s hipster comedy opus, Comedy Bang! Bang!, has come to an end. Fridays at 11 and 11:30P will never be the same. We know it can be hard for fans to adjust after the series finale of their favorite TV show. That’s why we’ve prepared this step-by-step guide to managing your grief.

Step One: Cry it out

It’s just natural. We’re sad too.
Scott crying GIF

Step Two: Read the CB!B! IMDB Trivia Page

The show is over and it feels like you’ve lost a friend. But how well did you really know this friend? Head over to Comedy Bang! Bang!’s IMDB page to find out some things you may not have known…like that it’s “based on a Civil War battle of the same name” or that “Reggie Watts was actually born with the name Theodore Leopold The Third.”

Step Three: Listen to the podcast

One fascinating piece of CB!B! trivia that you might not learn from IMDB is that there’s a podcast that shares the same name as the TV show. It’s even hosted by Scott Aukerman! It’s not exactly like watching the TV show on a Friday night, but that’s only because each episode is released Monday morning. If you close your eyes, the podcast is just like watching the show with your eyes closed!

Step Four: Watch brand new CB!B! clips?!

The best way to cope with the end of Comedy Bang! Bang! is to completely ignore that it’s over — because it’s not. In an unprecedented move, IFC is opening up the bonus CB!B! content vault. There are four brand new, never-before-seen sketches featuring Scott Aukerman, Kid Cudi, and “Weird Al” Yankovic ready for you to view on the IFC App. There’s also one right here, below this paragraph! Watch all four b-b-bonus clips and feel better.

Binge the entire final season, plus exclusive sketches, right now on the IFC app.

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Everybody Sweats Now

The Four-Day Sweatsgiving Weekend On IFC

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This long holiday weekend is your time to gobble gobble gobble and give heartfelt thanks—thanks for the comfort and forgiveness of sweatpants. Because when it comes right down to it, there’s nothing more wholesome and American than stuffing yourself stupid and spending endless hours in front of the TV in your softest of softests.

So get the sweats, grab the remote and join IFC for four perfect days of entertainment.

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It all starts with a 24-hour T-day marathon of Rocky Horror Picture Show, then continues Friday with an all-day binge of Stan Against Evil.

By Saturday, the couch will have molded to your shape. Which is good, because you’ll be nestled in for back-to-back Die Hard and Lethal Weapon.

Finally, come Sunday it’s time to put the sweat back in your sweatpants with The Shining, The Exorcist, The Chronicles of Riddick, Terminator 2, and Blade: Trinity. They totally count as cardio.

As if you need more convincing, here’s Martha Wash and the IFC&C Music Factory to hammer the point home.

The Sweatsgiving Weekend starts Thursday on IFC

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