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Celebrity zombie apocalypse survival guide

Warm Bodies

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Okay, granted, a zombie apocalypse is probably not going to happen anytime soon, but when it does, will you be ready? The stars of “Warm Bodies” and their celebrity friends who attended last week’s premiere hosted by the Cinema Society say yes, and shared their top survival strategies with IFC.

1. Denial. David Cross says you can survive “just by remembering that there’s no such thing as a zombie. It’s not a real thing. It’s physically impossible.” In other words, make yourself wake up — which only works if it’s a bad dream.

2. Hide. Find a safe place, and fortify it with rations. “My boyfriend, he built a zombie-proof apartment somewhere in Soho,” says Lily Kwong. “He has the skills.” But not everyone has a place ready. Scott Michael Foster has land in Texas he could use, he said, but he doesn’t have the rations yet. “I’ve got to start now,” he says. “I’m going to invest in SPAM stock, too.” (“SPAM? Is that an option?” asked “Warm Bodies” star Analeigh Tipton, who plays Nora. “I’ll do that, too. SPAM is very useful for everything. There’s something in that that keeps things forever.”)

Cross thinks it best to go on a permanent vacation. “I would probably fly to the Fiji islands, live in one of those huts, and then just really secure it,” he says. “I’d spend all my money on that, before money is worthless. Fortify the fuck out of it. And then go fishing. I mean, it’s Fiji! How many zombies are there going to be in Fiji?” (We hate to remind you that zombies can cross bodies of water because of the whole not-needing-to-breathe thing…)

3. Play dead. “I’ve already thought about my zombie apocalypse tactics,” says “Warm Bodies” star Teresa Palmer, who plays Julie. “I’d become very good at zombie makeup, and I could pretend I was one of them, like I’ve already been killed. Fit in.” Helena Christensen says camouflage is easier than it used to be, and we all know from watching zombie movies how to act. “Practice grunting, practice the moves,” she says. “I do that every morning when I wake up anyway!”

4. Run. If you plan to use this method, get in shape, says Carlos Leon. “Cardio is very important,” he says. “Start practicing now.” This method isn’t for everyone, Tipton cautions. “I would trip,” she admits.

5. Fight. No matter what strategy you had planned to use, there might come a time when you’re face to face with a member of the living dead — so defend yourself!

5A. Use a weapon. “I learned how to turn myself into a warrior on ‘I Am Number Four,’ with real weapons,” Palmer says. I know how to shoot a gun, and a shotgun.” Guns, however, can make noise, so Leon recommends “long swords.” What if nothing’s handy? Get creative, Palmer says. “I’ve got some pretty crazy stilettos on, so I could stab them in the eyeball,” she theorizes. “Put all my force into it, stab right through to whatever brain they’ve got left.”

5B. Become a weapon. “I have a black belt in karate,” says former “Smash” villain Jaime Cepero. “I could take out a zombie with one chop. You go for the head, right? And if they’re already dead, it’s probably easier, decomposing, right? I think I can handle it.” Leon recommends a front flip and coming down on the zombie’s neck to “break his head off.” Palmer says she would “bust out my one martial arts move, which is a double side kick, get them in knee so they buckle, and then you go for the head.” Tony Danza says good ol’ boxing would work just as well: “Even a zombie, when he gets hit on the chin, goes to sleep. Remember that.”

6. Get creative. “I would not use guns. I would probably not use hand combat. I would not run,” says Tipton. “I would use puns and wordplay. The zombies would be like, ‘What are you saying?’ And they would be so baffled that they would turn on themselves and start going at each other, eating each other.” Use this method at your own risk. “Best of luck to you in that situation,” she laughs.

7. Cry. When all else fails, accept your impending doom. “Warm Bodies” director Jonathan Levine told us that when the zombie apocalypse comes — and perhaps even before it comes — we can find him in the corner in a fetal position, weeping. “I’d be fucked. Totally fucked,” he laughs.

How would you survive the zombie apocalypse? Tell us in the comments section below or on Facebook and Twitter.

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Culture Vulture

IFC Teams Up With Vulture.com to Develop New Pop Culture Series

The Vulture Show will tackle pop culture with a "slightly off" twist.

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Photo Credit: New York Magazine

The pop culture aficionados at Vulture.com are teaming up with IFC to develop a brand new unscripted series. The Vulture Show will deliver smart, irreverent and “slightly off” entertainment news covering TV, movies, music, art, books, theater and celebrities with the outlet’s signature sharp perspective.

The weekly dual-hosted talk show will feature some of Vulture’s most influential contributing voices and will be comprised of in studio features, field pieces and celebrity guest interviews.

“IFC has found the perfect pop culture accomplice with New York Magazine’s Vulture,” said Christine Lubrano, SVP, Original Programming, IFC. “We look forward to developing a show that provides our viewers with a sophisticated and humorous first-look at all things entertainment before it’s the news everyone is buzzing about.”

“It’s fitting that we bring Vulture to TV with IFC, whose offbeat sensibility matches our own,” said Adam Moss, Editor-in-Chief, New York Magazine. “We’ve had a tremendous response to our Vulture Festival events, and are excited for this next incarnation of Vulture.”

Be sure to check back for future details about The Vulture Show.

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Marc Maron – Maron – Season 4, Episode 5

Life Goals

10 Maron Quotes to Get You Through the Week

Get over the Wednesday hump with a brand new Maron tonight at 9P.

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Wednesdays are tough. You’re halfway through the week, but there’s still half of the week left. Luckily Wednesdays mean brand new Maron, with yet another chance to gain some much needed wisdom from Marc Maron. This week Marc continues to dig himself out of his own personal hell, making us all wiser in the process. Before you catch tonight’s Maron, check out some Marc quotes to get you over “Hump Day.”

1. Set realistic diet goals.

Whipped Cream Maron

Instead of looking up how many calories you have left for today’s nutritional intake, admit that you just want something of the whipped and creamy variety.


2. Assert yourself into the conversation.

Maron Shut Up

Instead of letting people walk all over you, be like Marc and demand to be heard…even if it’s just to tell someone to shut up.


3. Trust no one. Except Marc.

"Maron

Instead of trying to figure out which friend could keep a secret, admit that you yourself couldn’t keep a secret to save your life.


4. Minimize your shortcomings.

Maron Notes

Instead of blaming the world for your failures, admit when it’s your own damned fault…to a point.


5. Celebrate accomplishments. Even minor ones.

Maron Ahole

Instead of wishing for greater success, take pride in the ways that you have excelled without judgment.


6. Remember that every day is filled with potential.

Maron Possibilities

Just make sure you have enough coffee.


7. Demand proof from others.

Maron Believe

Instead of potentially being in someone’s shadow, throw doubt on anything they haven’t properly documented.


8. Take a moment to reflect.

Maron Right Thing

There’s a first time for everything.


9. Be honest about where you’re at right now.

Maron Smart

Instead of avoiding embarrassment, embrace it.


10. And finally, remember the important things in life.

Maron Love

Instead of bemoaning the inadequacies of your relationships, perhaps due in part to items 1 through 9, just focus on the physical.

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Marc Maron – Maron – Season 4, Episode 4

Behind the Anger

Marc Maron Gets Deep in an Interview with Fresh Air’s Terry Gross

Follow Marc's journey to recovery tonight at 9P on IFC.

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It ain’t no stage persona: Marc Maron is an anxious, angry, complicated fellow. In a recent interview with Terry Gross on Fresh Air, the Maron star described how he’s beset by constant anxiety, self-hatred, and general unease, which he considers his “uncomfortable” comfort zone. “Being sort of anxious and uncomfortable has really been my home base, innately,” he said. “And I don’t know how to change that, and that’s really the challenge for me now.”

A former addict himself, Marc also discussed the difficulty of portraying his TV character’s drug relapse, downfall, and rehabilitation — a fear he’s glad “happened in fiction and not in real life.”

Click here to listen to Marc Maron’s deep and revealing interview with NPR’s Terry Gross on Fresh Air.

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