DID YOU READ

What to watch this week on IFC: Jan. 7 – Jan. 13

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It’s always a little disappointing that the new year has to be rung in during winter when it’s too cold to go outside. So we’ll celebrate the new year by watching a new season of Portlandia and a bunch of great movies from the warmth of our living rooms.

Here’s what to watch this week on IFC:

Monday

Before they put Neo in “The Matrix,” the Wachowskis made “Bound,” which airs tonight at 10:15 p.m. ET. The film stars Gina Gershon as an ex-con who falls for a gangster’s moll (played by Jennifer Tilly). They hatch a scheme to screw over a mobster (Joe Pantoliano) and steal $2 million from the Mafia. It doesn’t go so well, but that wouldn’t make for a very exciting movie then would it? Tune in tonight!

Tuesday

In “Big Top Pee-wee,” which is more nof a companion piece than a true sequel to “Pee-wee’s Big Advernture,” our beloved hero Pee-wee Herman becomes a farmer with a talking pig (voiced by Wayne White) and a slightly insufferable fiancee (Penelope Ann Miller). His simple yet somewhat boring life gets a sudden jolt of excitement when an entire traveling circus plops onto his land, courtesy of a tornado. It’s all uphill from there. Tune in at 10:15 p.m. ET to see for yourself.

Wednesday

You’ll be glad it’s Wednesday, when you watch a double dose Friday the 13th starting at 8/7c. Up first we get to watch teens (Melanie Kinnaman, Shavar Ross) turn the tables (and the chain saws) on someone wearing slasher Jason’s hockey mask in “Friday the 13th: A New Beginning” at 8/7c. Stay tuned for “Friday the 13th, Part VI: Jason Lives,” which is pretty self-explanatory. The terror starts at 10/9c.

Thursday

There’s nothing wrong with your Thursday that a little Snake Plissken can’t fix. Tune in to John Carpenter’s “Escape from L.A.” at 10/9c to watch Kurt Russell reprise his one-eyed role from “Escape from New York” as he takes down a religious fanatic totalitarian president with the help of some of his friends including Bruce Campbell, Pam Grier and Steve Buscemi in memorable roles.

Friday

A new episode of Portlandia’s third season starts at 10/9c. Watch Fred Armisen and Carrie Brownstein as they play out all new adventures in the weirdly wonderful world of Portlandia. Stay tuned for a sneak peek at our new animated series Out There starring the vocal talents of Fred Armisen, Linda Cardellini, Karen Mullaly and more.

Saturday

Spend Saturday in the strange world of “Dark Floors” a.k.a. the most expensive Finnish horror movie ever made. Made by Lordi, which is basically Finland’s answer to Gwar, dressing up in rubber monster costumes and churning out hits like “Would You Love a Monsterman?” The band rose to the heavy metal heights of success by winning the Eurovision Song Contest back in 2006 with a then record 292 points. Then, of course, they made a movie, “Dark Floors,” which we are airing today at 12:15 p.m. ET. Praise the Lordi!

Sunday

At 7:30/6:30c, we are walking down the mean streets of Civil War-era Manhattan in Martin Scorsese’s “Gangs of New York.” This rough-and-tumble historical epic stars Leonardo DiCaprio, as a man on a mission to come to New York to avenge his father’s death at the hands of the ruthless Bill ‘The Butcher’ Cutting (Daniel Day-Lewis), a powerful crime boss and corrupt political figure.

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Forget Oscar

Find Your Spirit Animal

The Spirit Awards are LIVE this Saturday at 2p PT/5p ET.

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In just a few precious days, the greatest, most epic, most star-studded awards ceremony of the year comes to IFC.

And please, we’re definitely not talking about the Oscars. We’re talking about the Spirit Awards. Hosted by iconic comedy duo Nick Kroll and John Mulaney, it’s a relatively under-the-radar awards show with serious cred. And if the past is any indicator, we’re in for a wild night.

If you feel like doing your homework, you can find a full list of nominees and performance excerpts here. It reads like a who’s who of everyone that matters – those larger-than-life personalities with status that borders on mythological. Our celebrity spirit animals, if you will.

This isn’t hyperbole. Literally everyone who takes the stage at the awards show is spirit animal material. Let’s see if we can help you find yours…

Do you

Live in someone else’s shadow despite shining like the sun? Do you inexplicably vandalize your pretty-boy good looks with a sloppy-joe man bun and a repellent pubic-hair beard? Do you think sounding stoned and sounding thoughtful are kinda the same thing?

Congratulations, your spirit animal is Casey Affleck.

He’s the self-canonized patron saint of anyone who’s got the goods but doesn’t give a damn.

Do you

Have mid-length hair and exude a certain feminine masculinity that is universally appealing? Are you drawn to situations that promise little to nothing in the way of grooming or hygiene as a transparently self-conscious attempt to conceal your radiant inner glow? Does that fail miserably?

Way to go, your spirit animal is Viggo Mortensen.

He’s the yoga teacher of actors, in that what should make him super nasty only increases his curb appeal.

Do you

Get zero recognition for work that everyone knows is unrivaled? Do you inspire greatness in others yet get shortchanged when it comes to your own acclaim? Are you a goddam B-52 bomber in an industry of biplanes?

Bingo, your spirit animal is Annette Bening.

What does it take for this artist to win an Oscar? Honestly now, if her performance in 20th Century Women doesn’t earn her every award on the planet, consider it proof that the Universe truly is a cold dark void absent of reason or compassion.

Do you

Walk into a room full of strangers and walk out with a room full of friends? Have you been hiding under the radar just waiting for the right moment to leap out into the spotlight and stay there FOREVER? Do you possess the almost messianic ability to elevate Shia LaBeouf’s on-screen charisma?

You guessed it (or not), your spirit animal is 100% Sasha Lane.

If you haven’t seen American Honey, then you haven’t heard of her. She came out of the blue with a performance both subtle and powerful, and now she’s going to be in all the movies from this moment on. Or she should be, at any rate.

Don’t see your spirit animal there? Worry not. There are many more nominees to choose from, and you can see them all (yes, including Shia LaBeouf) during the Independent Spirit Awards, this Saturday at 2pm PT/5pm ET only on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia Keeps Road Rage In Park

Get a lesson in parking etiquette on a new Portlandia.

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It’s the most American form of cause and effect: Park like a monster, receive a passive-aggressive note.

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This unofficial rule of the road is critical to keeping the great big wheel of car-related Karma in balance. And naturally, Portlandia’s Kath and Dave have elevated it to an awkward, awkward art form in Car Notes, the Portlandia web series presented by Subaru.

If you’ve somehow missed the memo about Car Notes until now, you can catch up on every installment online, on the IFC app, and on demand. You can even have a little taste right here:

If your interest is piqued – great news for you! A special Car Notes sketch makes an appearance in the latest episode of Portlandia, and you can catch up on it now right here.

Watch all-new Portlandia Thursdays at 10P on IFC.

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Naked and Hungry

Two New Ways to Threeway

IFC's Comedy Crib gets sensual in time for Valentine's Day.

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This week, two scandalous new digital series debut on IFC’s Comedy Crib.
Ménage à Trois invites people to participate in a real-life couple’s fantasy boudoir. And The Filling is Mutual follows two saucy chefs who invite comedians to make food inspired by their routines. Each show crosses some major boundaries in sexy and/or delicious ways, and each are impossible to describe in detail without arousing some awkward physical cravings. Which is why it’s best to hear it directly from the minds behind the madness…

Ménage à Trois

According to Diana Kolsky and Murf Meyer, the two extremely versatile constants in the ever-shifting à trois, “MàT is a sensually psychedelic late night variety show exploring matters of hearts, parts and every goddamn thing in between…PS, any nudes will be 100% tasteful.”

This sexy brainchild includes sketches, music, and props that would put Pee-wee’s Playhouse to shame. But how could this fantastical new twist on the vanilla-sex variety show format have come to be?

“We met in a UCB improv class taught by Chris Gethard. It was clear that we both humped to the beat of our own drum; our souls and tongues intermingled at the bar after class, so we dove in head first.”

Sign me up, but promise to go slow. This tricycle is going to need training wheels.

The Filling is Mutual

Comedians Jen Saunderson and Jenny Zigrino became best friends after meeting in the restroom at the Gotham Comedy Club, which explains their super-comfortable dynamic when cooking with their favorite comedians. “We talk about comedy, sex, menses, the obnoxiousness of Christina Aguilera all while eating food that most would push off their New Year’s resolution.”

The hook of cooking food based off of comedy routines is so perfect and so personal. It made us wonder about what dishes Jen & Jenny would pair with some big name comedy staples, like…

Bill Murray?
“Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to… Oh, that’s easy Meatballs with Lingonberry Space Jam it’d be great, but then we’d have to avoid doing any kind of silly Groundhog Day reference.” 

Bridget Everett?
“Cream Balls… Sea Salt encrusted Chocolate Ganache Covered Ice Cream Ball that melt cream when you bite into them.” 

Nick Kroll & John Mulaney? 
“I’d make George and Gil black and white cookies from scratch and just as we open the oven to put the cookie in we’d prank ’em with an obnoxious amount of tuna!!!”

Carrie Brownstein & Fred Armisen? 
“Definitely a raw cacao “safe word” brownie. Cacao!”

Just perfect.

See both new series in their entirety on IFC’s Comedy Crib.

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