DID YOU READ

The Tragedy of Arnold Schwarzenegger

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If I could ask Arnold Schwarzenegger one question it would be: How does it feel to know that you will never be elected President? I would ask this because throughout his recently published autobiography there is an overwhelming – and there is no other way to describe it — musk redolent of unending ambition mixed in with the stench of desiccated beef liver supplements. From the mean streets of Thal, Austria to Venice Beach to the Hollywood A-List to the Governor’s mansion in Sacramento, Arnold’s relentless drive, his monstrous ambition, has always veered upwards, against the wind, towards the direction of the highest job in the greatest power on the planet. Arnold, quite frankly, was born to run for President. Since inaugurating the phenomenon now known as celebrity politics, it was widely suspected that Arnold would make a run for the White House.

In the best of all possible action film influenced worlds, Arnold Schwarzenegger would either be President, or he’d be in the final throes of articulating a full blown rationale for 2016. In reality, however, Arnold’s political career is essentially over. Why is this thus? What is the meaning of this thusness?

The relationship and lovechild with his maid (so terribly cliché) notwithstanding, Arnold’s political career was terminated – again, no other way to describe it — by his inability to solve California’s deficit. Arnold ran as a moderate, a centrist, a problem solver; he was going to be our daddy. California, let’s face it, needed a steady hand and a stern talking to, instead Arnold was the indulgent father. Had Schwarzenegger solved California’s biggest problem, he would have had a cakewalk to the nomination in 2012. He would have been greeted at the convention hall with flowers and chocolates. And life said “ha.” Instead of being greeted as the conquering hero in Washington, ass dragging, Arnold is headed back to Hollywood, to an industry he formally left, this time cast as the aging action hero.

But as much as I want to dislike Arnold, the raw honesty and simplicity expressed in his autobiography makes him hard to hate. He is, after all, a man’s man. Bodybuilding, real estate, action movies – Arnold is not a man of complicated emotions, he is not a Hamlet. There is something oddly refreshing about that, his lack of introspection, his lack of shame, his simplistic drive to achieve, his – once again, no other way to describe it — will to power. In order to fully appreciate the psychological richness of a Stanley Kubrick or a Prince, there has to be an Arnold Schwarzenegger. The universe makes them in all shapes and sizes.

One of my favorite lines in Total Recall, and one that is most telling about the man, involved an economics professor Arnold had when he arrived in America. Arnold, all drive, took – what else? – Business courses at community college. There is only so far that one can go as a professional bodybuilder. In true Arnold fashion, he noticed that his economics professor drove a half-assed car. Even in the description one could whiff the future governator’s disapproval. Schwarzenegger slyly noted that he drove a better car than his professor, and, further, that a professor of economics should be driving a Mercedes caliber vehicle, anything else would cast aspersions on the grasp of the subject matter to which he professes!  In that one acid anecdote lies the whole of Arnold – the practicality, the simple wisdom and the projection of power in a dangerous world.

Lawrence Leamer in The Daily Beast observers, “Schwarzenegger is a man of monumental ambition who sometimes plans his crucial moves years in advance.” I don’t doubt that at for a minute. Everything in his autobiography is honest, upbeat and wholly free of shame. His trajectory – from Austria to the governor’s mansion in Sacramento – is upward in trajectory. That is why the tragedy of Arnold Schwarzenegger is so poignant. Arnold will never be president of the United States and for a personality like his that has got to smart (and what prompted me to ask my introductory question). But should his fallback be an inglorious to return to the world of film, a cosmos that he so thoroughly has already conquered? It just seems like such a letdown.

What would Rainier Wolfcastle do?

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Inauguration Alternative

Bill Murray On Repeat

It's a movie "Murray-thon" all-day Friday on IFC.

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection, GIFs courtesy of GIPHY

Democrats, Republicans and Millennials agree: 2017 is shaping up to be a spectacle — a spectacle that really kicks into high gear this Friday with the presidential inauguration. Not only will the new POTUS swear in, but all the Country’s highest offices will be filled. It’s a daunting prospect, and to feel a little anxious about it is only normal. But if your anxiety is snowballing into panic, we have a solution:
Bill Murray.

He’s the human embodiment of a mental “Happy Place”, and there’s really no problem he can’t solve. So, with that in mind, how about we all set aside reality for a moment and let Bill take the pain away by imagining a top-shelf White House cabinet filled exclusively by his signature characters. Here are a few hypothetical appointments for your consideration…

Secretary of Defense:
Bill Murray from Stripes

His incompetence is balanced by charm, and dumb luck is inexplicably on his side. America could do worse.

Secretary of State:
Bill Murray from Lost In Translation

A seasoned globetrotter steeped in regional traditions who has the respect of the whole wide world. And he kills Costello in karaoke, which is very important.

Press Secretary:
Bill Murray from Ghostbusters

“Cats and dogs, living together. Mass hysteria.” Dude knows how to brief a room.

Secretary of Health and Human Services:
Bill Murray from What About Bob.

A doctor-approved people person who knows that progress is measured in baby steps.

Secretary of Energy:
Bill Murray from Groundhog Day

Let’s be honest, this world is going to need a lot of do-overs.

Feeling better? Hold on to that bliss. And enjoy a healthy alternative to the inauguration brouhaha with multiple Murrays all Friday long in an IFC movie marathon including Kingpin, Zombieland, Ghostbusters, and Ghostbusters II.

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Home Run

Hank Azaria Gets Thrown A Curve Ball

Brockmire Premieres April 5 at 10P

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Photo Credit: Everett Collection

Unless you’ve somehow missed every episode of the Simpsons since 1989, then surely you know that Hank Azaria is one of the most important character actors of our time. He’s so prolific and his voice is so dynamic that he’s responsible for more iconic personalities than most folks realize. Basically, he’s the great and powerful Oz — except that when you pull back the curtain the truth is actually more impressive. And now Hank is coming to IFC to bring yet another character to the TV pop culture hive mind in the new series Brockmire. Check out the trailer below.

Based on the following Funny or Die short and co-starring Amanda Peet, Brockmire follows the story of imploded major league sportscaster Jim Brockmire as he tries to resurrect his career by calling plays for a floundering minor league team in a podunk town.

The series is written by Joel Church-Cooper (Undateable) and produced by Funny or Die’s Mike Farah and Joe Farrell, meaning that there’s funny in front of the camera, funny behind the camera–funny all around. Sounds like a ball to us.

Brockmire premieres April 5 at 10P on IFC.

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Car Notes

Portlandia On People Who Can’t Park

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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If flagrant bad parking takes nerve, then retaliatory note writing takes neuroses. Watch Fred and Carrie take passive aggression to next level in Car Notes, the new Portlandia web series presented by Subaru. The first episode is yours right here and now, and you can see every installment of Car Notes anytime online, on the IFC app and on demand.

Portlandia returns tonight at 10P on IFC.

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