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Ten Sacred Cows Destroyed By Doug Stanhope

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Last year, on Louis C.K.’s breakout hit series “Louie,” Doug Stanhope played Eddie, an old friend and peer of Louie’s who hadn’t found any success in comedy, nor any happiness in life. Sharing Louie’s low tolerance for bullshit, Eddie confided in him that he was just passing through town on his way to Boston, where he would do his final show before killing himself. Every argument Louie tries to muster to convince him otherwise is quickly and brutally shot down, and eventually, he has to just acquiesce to Eddie’s intentions and bid him farewell. With a strong performance from both men, they destroyed the common wisdom that suicide should never be a viable option.

The more viscerally affecting part of that episode is that Eddie doesn’t seem all that far removed from Stanhope himself, aside from the quality of his comedy. Stanhope’s stage persona is a nihilistic man who has to blind himself on alcohol and drugs to enjoy any small part of the bleak, unending hellscape of existence, but as he often says, he’s funnier when he’s drunk, which means he’s not blinding himself at all. His methodology is to attack and deconstruct with brutal efficiency not just the garden variety bullshit of pop culture that most comedians mock, but also the much more deeply held bullshit beliefs that we don’t often remember to question – and it’s never without controversy. Here are ten sacred cows that Doug Stanhope has verbally destroyed.


1. Royalty

We’ll start with an easy one that still comes with an edge. Most folks in America realize how ridiculous the obsession with England’s royal family is, but few people will actually go overseas and tell the Queen’s subjects that they’re backwoods simpletons and “bootlicking fucking supplicants” for allowing the whole outdated institution of “leeches” to continue to exist. “Do you have wizards and fairies, too?”


2. Hard work is a virtue

That’s something you tend to believe instinctively – success is achieved through hard work and the discipline to keep working hard. Stanhope begs to differ, citing his own career path was carved out through drinking, smoking and drugs. Let him explain how even his Alcoholics Anonymous friends have had to give up and admit that drinking serves him well.


3. Dying young is a tragedy

Touching on the concept of his turn on “Louie,” Stanhope tells us exactly why the early deaths of artists like Kurt Cobain, Jimi Hendrix and Lenny Bruce might’ve been for the best, and how he may be approaching that point himself.


4. Children

Continuing the “death is good” theme, Stanhope takes the genuine desire to better the state of the world through environmentalism and dismisses it as ineffectual in dealing with the real problem – the fact that you want to have children in a world that’s desperately overpopulated and can’t handle any more people. Thus, abortion is green.


5. Sex

Yes, even this, the core drive of many people’s existences, the instinctive all-consuming desire to copulate with others, is torn apart as pretty pathetic and shameful. “It’s not bad. It’s free fun for poor people,” he admits, before explaining it’s such a monumental anticlimax and so ridiculously overblown that it completely stunts our potential as a species.

Underworld

Under Your Spell

10 Otherworldly Romances That’ll Melt Your Heart

Spend Valentine's Day weekend with IFC's Underworld movie marathon.

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Photo Credit: Screen Gems/courtesy Everett Collection

Romance takes many forms, and that is especially true when you have a thirst for blood or laser beams coming out of your eyes.  It doesn’t matter if you’re a werewolf, a superhero, a clone, a time-traveler, or a vampire, love is the one thing that infects us all.  Read on to find out why Romeo and Juliet have nothing on these supernatural star-crossed lovers, and be sure to catch IFC’s Underworld movie marathon this Valentine’s Day weekend.

1. Cyclops/Jean Grey/Wolverine, X-Men series

The X-Men franchise is rife with romance, but the steamiest “ménage à mutant” may just be the one between Jean Grey (Famke Janssen), Cyclops (James Marsden), and Wolverine (Hugh Jackman). Their triangle is a complicated one as Jean finds herself torn between the two very different men while also trying to control her darker side, the Phoenix. This leads to Jean killing Cyclops and eventually getting stabbed through her heart by Wolverine in X-Men: The Last Stand. Yikes!  Maybe they should change the name to Ex-Men instead?


2. Willow/Tara, Buffy the Vampire Slayer

Joss Whedon gave audiences some great romances on Buffy the Vampire Slayer — including the central triangle of Buffy, Angel, and Spike — but it was the love between witches Willow (Alyson Hannigan) and Tara (Amber Benson) that broke new ground for its sensitive and nuanced portrayal of a LGBT relationship.

Willow is smart and confident and isn’t even sure of her sexuality when she first meets Tara at college in a Wiccan campus group. As the two begin experimenting with spells, they realize they’re also falling for one another and become the show’s most enduring, happy couple. At least until Tara’s death in season six, a moment that still brings on the feels.


3. Selene/Michael, Underworld series

The Twilight gang pales in comparison (both literally and metaphorically) to the Lycans and Vampires of the stylish Underworld franchise. If you’re looking for an epic vampire/werewolf romance set amidst an epic vampire/werewolf war, Underworld handily delivers in the form of leather catsuited Selene (Kate Beckinsale) and shaggy blonde hunk Michael (a post-Felicity Scott Speedman). As they work together to stop the Vampire/Lycan war, they give into their passions while also kicking butt in skintight leather. Love at first bite indeed.


4. Spider-man/Mary Jane Watson, Spider-man

After rushing to the aid of beautiful girl-next-door Mary Jane Watson (Kirsten Dunst), the Amazing Spider-man is rewarded with an upside-down kiss that is still one of the most romantic moments in comic book movie history. For Peter Parker (Tobey Maguire), the shy, lovable dork beneath the mask, his rain-soaked makeout session is the culmination of years of unrequited love and one very powerful spider bite. As the films progress, Peter tries pushing MJ away in an attempt to protect her from his enemies, but their web of love is just too powerful. And you know, with great power, comes great responsibility.


5. Molly/Sam, Ghost

When it comes to supernatural romance, you really can’t beat Molly and Sam from the 1990 hit film Ghost. Demi Moore goes crazy for Swayze like the rest of us, and the pair make pottery sexier than it’s ever been.

When Sam is murdered, he’s forced to communicate through con artist turned real psychic, Oda Mae Brown (Whoopi Goldberg in her Academy Award-winning role) to warn Molly she is still in danger from his co-worker, Carl (a pre-Scandal Tony Goldwyn). Molly doesn’t believe Oda is telling the truth, so Sam proves it by sliding a penny up the wall and then possessing Oda so he and Molly can share one last romantic dance together (but not the dirty kind). We’d pay a penny for a dance with Patrick Swayze ANY day.


6. Cosima/Delphine, Orphan Black

It stands to reason there would be at least one complicated romance on a show about clones, and none more complicated than the one between clone Cosima (Tatiana Maslany) and Dr. Delphine Cormier (Evelyne Brochu) on BBC America’s hit drama Orphan Black.

Cosima is a PhD student focusing on evolutionary developmental biology at the University of Minnesota when she meets Delphine, a research associate from the nefarious Dyad Institute, posing as a fellow immunology student. The two fall in love, but their happiness is brief once Dyad and the other members of Clone Club get involved. Here’s hoping Cosima finds love in season four of Orphan Black. Girlfriend could use a break.


7. Aragorn/Arwen, Lord of the Rings

On a picturesque bridge in Rivendell amidst some stellar mood-lighting and dreamy Elvish language with English subtitles for us non-Middle Earthlings, Arwen (Liv Tyler) and Aragorn (Viggo Mortensen) bind their souls to one another, pledging to love each other no matter what befalls them.

Their courtship is a matter of contention with Arwen’s father, Elrond (Hugo Weaving), who doesn’t wish to see his daughter suffer over Aragorn’s future death. The two marry after the conclusion of the War of the Ring, with Aragorn assuming his throne as King of Gondor, and Arwen forgoing her immortality to become his Queen. Is it too much to assume they asked Frodo to be their wedding ring-bearer?


8. Lafayette/Jesus, True Blood

True Blood quickly became the go-to show for supernatural sex scenes featuring future Magic Mike strippers (Joe Manganiello) and pale Nordic men with washboard abs (Hi Alexander Skarsgård!), but honestly, there was a little something for everyone, including fan favorite Bon Temps medium, Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis).

In season three, Lafayette met his mother’s nurse, Jesus, and the two began a relationship. As they spend more time together and start doing V (short for Vampire Blood), they learn Jesus is descended from a long line of witches and that Lafayette himself has magical abilities. However, supernatural love is anything but simple, and after the pair join a coven, Lafayette becomes possessed by the dead spirit of its former leader. This relationship certainly puts a whole new spin on possessive love.


9. Nymphadora Tonks/Remus Lupin, Harry Potter series

There are lots of sad characters in the Harry Potter series, but Remus Lupin ranks among the saddest. He was bitten by a werewolf as a child, his best friend was murdered and his other best friend was wrongly imprisoned in Azkaban for it, then THAT best friend was killed by a Death Eater at the Ministry of Magic as Remus looked on. So when Lupin unexpectedly found himself in love with badass Auror and Metamorphmagus Nymphadora Tonks (she prefers to be called by her surname ONLY, thank you very much), pretty much everyone, including Lupin himself, was both elated and cautiously hopeful about their romance and eventual marriage.

Sadly, the pair met a tragic ending when both were killed by Death Eaters during the Battle of Hogwarts, leaving their son, Teddy, orphaned much like his godfather Harry Potter. Accio hankies!


10. The Doctor/Rose Tyler, Doctor Who

Speaking of wolves, Rose “Bad Wolf” Tyler (Billie Piper) captured the Doctor’s hearts from the moment he told her to “Run!” in the very first episode of the re-booted Doctor Who series. Their affection for one another grew steadily deeper during their travels in the TARDIS, whether they were stuck in 1950s London, facing down pure evil in the Satan Pit, or battling Cybermen.

But their relationship took a tragic turn during the season two finale episode, “Doomsday,” when the Tenth Doctor (David Tennant) and Rose found themselves separated in parallel universes with no way of being reunited (lest two universes collapse as a result of a paradox). A sobbing Rose told a holographic transmission of the Doctor she loved him, but before he could reply, the transmission cut out, leaving our beloved Time Lord (and most of the audience) with a tear-stained face and two broken hearts all alone in the TARDIS.

Ten reasons to love Steve Martin that aren’t his movies

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The formerly wild and still somewhat crazy guy known as Steve Martin is a national treasure. He’s an intellectual with a strong bent towards the goofy, he’s a weirdo with a well-developed appreciation for the finer things, and to duel with him at banjos is to court certain doom. Yes, he’s a movie star, but we’ve discussed those before. With the much sought after release of his stand-up concerts and TV materials finally coming to pass with “Steve Martin: The Television Stuff,” it’s high time to illustrate what makes this guy a Renaissance Man to be admired for all time. So here are ten reasons to love Steve Martin that aren’t his movies.


1. The Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour

Steve’s first big showbiz break came when he got a job writing for The Smothers Brothers show, where he won an Emmy with the rest of the writing staff. When Tom and Dick Smothers learned that Steve wasn’t officially on the payroll, but rather was getting paid out of head writer Mason Williams’ own pocket, they gave him a shot on screen. Steve worked in a magic shop when he was younger, and he mastered the art of magicianship well enough to completely subvert it. So here’s one of his earliest TV appearances (not counting his guest spots on The Dating Game).


2. The Stand-Up Cometh

Steve was always a different kind of comedian. He could do some standard observational stuff, as you can see here in this early appearance on Midnight Special where he discusses the advent of electric hand dryers and seat belt buzzers, but you could see his real taste for the absurd developing as well. He always loved to flummox audience expectations by going in a weird non-sequitur sort of direction, and this was a stop on his way to worldwide icon status.


3. The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson

Steve was one of Johnny’s favorite acts, and back in those days, appearing on Carson once could change your life. Appearing as often as Steve did meant you were a bona fide celebrity. He always made an effort to bring some new piece of comedy business along with him whenever he appeared on talk shows – and he still does to this day. His work ethic and reliable talent even impressed Johnny enough that he asked Steve to guest-host The Tonight Show for him, and what he did with that, you can see right here.


4. Saturday Night Live

Steve’s arrival on the comedy scene coincided with the debut of this underground sketch comedy show tucked away on the middle of the night on a weekend, and he guest-starred alongside The Not Ready For Prime Time Players so often that many people forget he wasn’t technically one of the. Steve’s appearances would always spike the ratings of SNL, and that platform helped rocket him into comedy superstardom. For example, the swinging Festrunk Brothers, starring Steve and Dan Aykroyd as horny Czechs trying to cruise successfully for foxes with big American breasts, made him well known as a “wild and crazy guy,” and audiences would come to expect him to bust that out in his own shows. He’s hosted SNL 15 times, one shy of the record set by Alec Baldwin, who made it his mission to try and eclipse Steve’s benchmark.


5. The Comedy Albums

Of course, a stand-up comic as refined in his precision as Steve Martin was made it perfect for records that people could listen to in their homes, even though a great deal of his act was based on mugging and physicality. On his albums – Let’s Get Small, A Wild and Crazy Guy, Comedy Is Not Pretty – a lot of those classic bits still translated, thanks to his energy, but he was also able to get into more intellectual comedy, discussing philosophy, religion and languages – showcasing where his tastes would eventually take him. That said, his non-sequitur appreciation was very much present and highly entertaining, as evidenced by this meaningful little song his grandmother used to sing to him.

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Our adopted comic Chris Gethard to guest star on The Office tomorrow

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We love our adopted comic Chris Gethard. In fact we love him so much we do The Ritz Carlton outside his house every single morning. We love our adopted comic so much we even put a billboard of him wearing an adult diaper up in the middle of New York City. That’s love!

But, as noted love expert Sting once said, if you love someone, set them free. That’s why you should tune in tomorrow night to watch as Chris heads to The Office for a role as a guest star sure to turn heads and steal scenes from Rainn Wilson and Ed Helms. Did you see that face pictured above? Tune in to The Office and we know you’ll love Chris as much as we do.

Watch the promo for Thursday night’s must see tv cameo for our favorite adopted comic, Chris Gethard:

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As you prepare for Trapped in the Closet, here are ten great sing-along flicks

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When you think about musical movies, your mind generally tends to gravitate towards Disney cartoons and Peabo Bryson – or at least mine does – but musical doesn’t have to mean the films that glaze your eyes over because children want to watch them over and over and over again. In fact, they can be crazy, twisted affairs with hookers, transvestites, race cars, demons, murder, and man-eating monsters. So let’s take a look at ten great sing-along movies that don’t necessarily cater to the kiddies.

And when you’re finished reading, don’t forget to mark your calendars for this Friday at 9/8c, when IFC is airing all-new chapters from R. Kelly’s legendary hip-hopera Trapped in the Closet.


1. “The Rocky Horror Picture Show”

Of course, we have to start here, with the gloriously schlocky and deviant 1975 classic that boasts the longest theatrical run in history that endures to this day. From “Science Fiction Double Feature” to “Sweet Transvestite,” it remains the epitome of the midnight movie, and has a unique element of audience participation that’s been the key to its longevity. What other show can you go to that encourages you to throw toast and toilet paper around the room? That, and Tim Curry’s there’s-no-other-word-for-it-but-delicious performance as Dr. Frank N. Furter, the glamorously mad scientist determined to create himself a beautifully sexy Charles Atlas kind of man for carnal pleasures, much to the chagrin of the straight-laced Brad Majors and Janet Weiss. (See also: The First Nudie Musical)


2. “Grease”

You can’t leave this 1978 staple film about 1950s Americana out, either. John Travolta’s Danny Zuko and Olivia Newton-John’s Sandy Olsen gave us chills and were electrifyin’, and you have to love any movie where the moral of the story is that you shouldn’t be afraid to slut it up a bit to prove your love to a guy who’s been squarin’ it up for you. Then there’s the whole Kenickie/Rizzo knock-up scare that puts this firmly into reasonably-mature audience territory – although, truth be told, “Greased Lightning” is where some of us first learned a goodly number of dirty words. (See also: Hairspray and, if you must, Grease 2)


3. “The Muppet Movie”

Hey, there are certainly monsters and weirdos here! Well, okay, you can argue that Jim Henson’s wonderful 1979 film was indeed geared towards kids, but the appeal of The Muppets goes far beyond that, especially when you consider how underrated Henson was as a songwriter. Whether it’s Kermit and Fozzie driving cross country and singing the infectious “Movin’ Right Along,” or Dr. Teeth and The Electric Mayhem busting out “Can You Picture That?” – you can’t help but get a bouncy little feeling of joy and laughter in your soul. And I defy you to not have feelings upon feelings whenever you listen to that quiet banjo accompanying the ballad of a frog with big dreams and bigger questions called “Rainbow Connection.” (See also: The Muppets)


4. “Little Shop of Horrors”

This one’s wild – Frank Oz of Muppet fame directing a 1986 film based on a 1982 musical based on a 1960 Roger Corman movie that featured one of Jack Nicholson’s earliest roles (one that would be filled by Bill Murray in Oz’s version). That Muppet pedigree was certainly necessary when creating a massive man-eating plant that can sing and dance while Rick Moranis’ put-upon Seymour Krelborn tries to find a way to feed its gruesome appetites. The love of his life, Ellen Greene’s Audrey, is mixed up with a nasty piece of dental work played brilliantly by Steve Martin, and his masochistic cruelty makes him the perfect victim for Audrey II, the Mean Green Mother From Outer Space.


5. “Repo: The Genetic Opera”

There are elements of both Rocky Horror and Little Shop in this 2008 goth-rock opera, but it’s got a much darker tone than either of those films. Darren Smith and Terry Zdunich composed and wrote the play the movie sprang from, and Zdunich appears as the GraveRobber – our pseudo-narrator through this futuristic world where Anthony Head is a repossessor of organs (an idea that would be ripped off in the 2010 dud Repo Men) who is trying to protect his daughter (Alexa Vega) from the harsh realities of the world in twisted ways. This underseen effort also absolutely qualifies as the most interesting thing Paris Hilton has ever done in her life. (See also: Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street and, for more Head, “Once More, With Feeling,” the Buffy The Vampire Slayer musical episode – and, while we’re at it, Dr. Horrible’s Sing Along Blog)

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